Untypically Jia

Untypically in Love: Jackpot

2012-01-28T11:23:00.000-08:00

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

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Chapter Forty-Two
Jackpot

I'd arrived in Utah on New Years Day, ready to begin my new life; my clean slate. Yet there I stood at the Salt Lake Airport, ready to step onto a plane that would take me back to New Mexico. It was April now and though Utah still had a chilly bite in the air, I knew that New Mexico would be full of the perfect warmth. Not to mention the weather would be nice as the well known "April showers bring May flowers"didn't often apply to the southwest.

"I'll see you in a week," I hugged Debbie. "Don't have too much fun without me."

"You just be safe, and have fun," my aunt smiled back at me before kicking me to the curb, luggage and all.

I nervously looked up at the airport recalling the last time I'd been on a plane which was years ago. I wasn't afraid to fly. The anxiety was related to my purpose for going back to New Mexico. One that I'd figured out a month earlier. That little thing missing in my life.

"Hey, my flight leaves in a half hour. They're going to start boarding soon." I said into my cell phone, a small reminder to my ride to make sure to be on time. "You gonna ditch me at the airport?" I smirked sarcastically. "Yeah I know . . ." I exhaled. "I can't wait to see you too."

"We are now boarding Flight 245 to Albuquerque, New Mexico. . . ."

"Gotta go," I said quickly. "See you soon."

Josh and I had stayed in communication most of the time while I was in Utah. We'd email at least once or twice a week, depending on where Josh could log in as he didn't seem to have a computer at home. My internet access all depended on my aunt Debbie's dial up AOL, which at the time seemed so very fast and amazing.

The emails I got from Josh only made me miss home that much more. I missed my family and my friends, even though I resolved that Utah was now my home. I just managed to forget to pack a few things on the way here: my heart for one.

I'd told Josh a few days ago that I was planning on coming back to New Mexico for a short trip. I mentioned how I missed everyone and Josh seemed excited to see me. He said that we'd have to get together and do something, a whole bunch of us. Bowling perhaps. He and Matt had apparently signed up together for a local competition and took home some fancy bowling balls as trophies of their victory.

It would be nice to see them all again.

The flight was relatively short, and before I reached the pick up or bag claim area, I rushed into the bathroom to double check my hair which was now about six inches shorter than it had been when I'd left. "Get it together," I said to myself nervously in the mirror, adjusting the black baby doll t-shirt I'd chosen especially for this occasion. My hands were practically shaking as I reapplied my lip gloss. Taking in one last deep breath I left the bathroom and did my best to strut toward the pick up area of the airport.

My own "pump me up" song played silently in my head and I moved each step in time with the beat. I stood tall, faked confidence despite my complete and utter fear of rejection. But what was there to reject? I'd already put myself out there a month ago when I called to make things right again.

That phone call was painful.

"I know you might not want to hear this, but I'm sorry . . . and there are a few things you need to know about me." And then I confessed everything. Every dirty secret I'd held within over the last year. The whole mess with Joseph and Riley, and everything that came with it. All my mistakes.

"I'm not your Bishop," he replied. "But if you need my forgiveness, you have it."

"I need more than that." The tears begun forming. "I need you."

"That last kiss . . . " He sighed. "I was okay before that. I'd decided I was done and I was okay with you leaving. But that last kiss . . . "

"I know." I agreed.

We hadn't told many people. Didn't want to jinx it. I'd spent almost five years jumping between Josh and Matt and hurting them both and I knew this needed to be taken seriously. We weren't kids anymore. We had jobs and bills and a future to think about. So our secret was kept just for us.

As I moved through the airport toward the escalator, I saw my first glimpse of him in months and my heart nearly skipped a beat. I froze in my tracks, letting him come to me despite the urge to throw myself down the escalator into his arms. The closer he moved, the better it felt. That missing piece of me that had plagued me in Utah was standing right in front of me now, and when he smiled I suddenly felt complete and whole again.

"You . . . look . .. " He eyed me up and down with appreciation.

"Face it Tiger," I grinned. "You just hit the jackpot."

And then he kissed me.

Kissed me like the last kiss had never existed, or any kisses before. His hand slid around my waist and pulled me closer against him and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach immediately take flight. I prayed the kiss would never end, but also hoped that it would before I caught myself lifting my back foot in a very fairy princess style.

Eventually it did end and I exhaled quickly, most of it in relief.

"I love you," he said as he looked into my eyes, brushing his hand against my cheek.

"I love you too, Matt."

"So did you really agree to this bowling thing tonight?" Matt asked me as we drove down the road, getting further and further away from the airport. "Josh said it might be a good idea."

"Yeah, it'll be fun. Just get everyone together. My sister, your brother and his new wife, Josh and whoever else wants to come." I smiled. "I only have a week and while I'd like to spend most of it with you, I want to see everyone else while I'm here."

We pulled into the driveway of my old home and before I could step one foot in the door, Kristine came out and wrapped me in a big hug. "You're home!"

"Well . . . not home, but yeah, I'm here." I looked up at the old house and sighed. No, she was right. This was home still.

"Here, let's get your luggage in the house," Kristine reached for a bag.

"I got it," Matt smiled and lifted both of my suitcases, carrying them inside.

"So you're back together?" Kristine asked with a raised brow.

"What?" I blinked.

"Oh please," she rolled her eyes. "It's obvious."

"Well it's also kind of a secret. We don't want anyone else to factor into this right now. We want to focus on us. You know how family and friends can get. They'll start bringing up the long distance thing, not to mention the fact that he's going on a mission soon." I sighed.

"No worries, my lips are sealed." Kristine smiled and hugged me again.

"I thought that was you," Josh's voice called me from behind and I turned and smiled brightly, reaching up to hug him. "You look good, Jess."

"You too." I smiled.

"Everything's inside," Matt said as he came back out to the rest of us.

"Let me go say hi to my aunt and then I'll be ready to go," I grinned, rushing inside. I only had a short time left here and I didn't want to spend one second of it going 'Umm . . . so what do you wanna do?' I knew what I wanted to do, who I wanted to see and where I wanted to go.

I did not however want to wear bowling shoes.

"These make me feet look big." I mumbled looked down at my hot pink and green and yellow bowling shoes.

Josh sat down next to me and laughed. "You're feet look fine. Dainty even."

"Smart ass." I narrowed my eyes at him.

"So tell me all about Utah. I only get to see bits and pieces of it in your emails." He leaned down to tie his own black, brown, and neon green shoes.

"What you see is what you get." I shrugged. "I work all day at the hospital, come home in time to check a few emails before crashing, and then I do it all again the next day."

"So no social life?" He smirked.

"Not much. I have friends from the singles ward, and we occasionally hang out and do things."

"Singles ward huh?" Josh smiled. "So you're not dating anyone up there?"

I blinked as a wave of panic flew through me. I paused and thought over the question before answering. "No, I'm definitely not dating anyone up there." I gave a sigh of relief as Matt returned to the group after paying for most of us, immediately taking the seat to my right.

After my turn, I went back to my seat between Josh and Matt. A smile crept across my face as I felt Matt's arm move around my shoulders. We had agreed to keep our relationship mostly private, but apparently he was willing to break the rules a little. I looked over and smiled at him and watched as he reached out and took my right hand into his left.

Wait . . .

I blinked a few times before turning to my left and seeing that the arm around my shoulders was not Matt, but Josh! When Josh caught me staring, he smiled and squeezed one of my shoulders with his hand.

Uh oh.

Sh*t People Say

2012-01-25T14:45:00.000-08:00

Sh*t People Say. It's the new planking. Or something.

If you haven't heard about these videos, then you've clearly been playing too much Farmville. Or possibly having a life outside of the internet.

I think it all started with a video called Sh*t Girls Say which was hilarious and about 98% completely true. Since then, there have been many more videos including Sh*t Boys Say, Sh*t Gay Guys Say, Sh*t Gamers Say and even Shiz Mormons Say.

I have a Pinterest board of my favourites so far.

I searched on YouTube and couldn't find a decent Sh*t Bloggers Say. Which was strange because you'd think that we'd all jump on board for that one, right?

Which caused me to think up a really awesome idea.

---

Me: I'm thinking of doing a video on my blog called Stuff Jia Says. (I said stuff instead of sh*t because I was talking to my mother in law).

MIL: What would it be about?

Me: *blink* Stuff I say. Just stuff that I say all the time.

MIL: *sigh* . . . . I wish you wouldn't curse.

Me: You mean on the video? Cause then it would just be a five second long video of me saying, "I want a Pepsi" or something.

MIL: I mean in general.

Me: Don't worry, I'll put bleeps on the video or something whenever I curse.

MIL: You could just stop cursing altogether.

Me: We'll see. Depends if I can figure out how to insert bleeps on the video.

---

To be fair, I've been doing really good. I never curse in front of my family. Or at least Matt's family. My family doesn't care. Some of them curse more than I do. But in the house and around other people, I'm good. I know it's a bad habit and I should stop.

But cursing to me is a lot like smoking. See, back when I used to smoke, I didn't smoke because I was addicted to it or didn't know any better. I LIKED to smoke. I really, genuinely enjoyed it. But I quit because I knew it wasn't healthy, I wanted to live a long and happy life, and the sonsofbitches were milking my money stash. Cursing is a lot like that. I enjoy cursing. I can stop in certain situations like I used to do with smoking. The only real difference is that I don't need to pay five bucks per pack of swear words.

We'll see how it goes.

PS: This post was so not about cursing. It was about the video idea that completely got away from me.

Love, Yourself - January Update

2012-01-24T14:27:00.000-08:00

For those just tuning in, for the last two years I have been writing letters to myself that automatically post on my blog each month throughout the year. It's my way of keeping up with progress and showing myself the difference an entire year can really make. Instead of obsessing on the little things, I'm looking at the big picture.

So earlier this month the letter I'd written myself from January 2011 posted.

And here is the difference that one year can make.

January 2010 Letter - You were working at the gas station and you could barely walk less than a block to work without your legs hurting.

January 2011 Update - You and Matt went to Santa Fe and walked everywhere and you loved it! Make it your goal to walk more. Even if it's just around the block every other day or something. Even if you're just walking around the backyard a few times. Get outside and walk! You can do it. Your legs are not broken anymore and despite what doctors said when you were two, YOU CAN WALK. My guess is, somewhere inside of that body, you even have the potential to run!

It's January 2012 now and I've fallen behind a lot. Since we now live with Matt's parents, we have a large backyard and the need to take the dogs on daily walks has decreased dramatically. It's been a few months since I've been to the gym, but I am hopeful. I know I can do this because obviously I've done it in the past. Just need to get over this current sinus cold, and then I'll be ready to get going!

This time last year . . . you were taking care of Motherlys home while she went on vacation. It was a mini vacation for you too, but unfortunately you didn't get to spend much time with Motherly. She's one of few "parents" you've got left so go out of your way to call her every now and then. Which reminds me . . . call Debbie too. And Dad. And call your Grandmother while you're at it! At least once a month for crying out loud.

Luckily I was able to visit Motherly again this year for New Years, and I was even able to stay a few extra days to spend time with her which was much needed. Not only that, but Matt, MIL and I went back to Colorado on a road trip to visit Matt's brother and his family which include one of our nephews and two of our little nieces. Family is so important, and this month we've really had our eyes opened to that.

Also, you and Matt went to Santa Fe - which turned out to be one of your favourite places on earth! This is something that you both really love to do. It gets you out of the house, there's good food to be eaten, good sites to be seen and you get to spend real quality time with one another. Maybe from now on tho, you should PLAN to go to Santa Fe. So do that this month. Make a plan to go, and start saving up for it.

I'm not sure how we'll the planning will do for this. On our way back from Colorado, Matt and I insisted on driving through Santa Fe since we were going to be in the area anyhow. We went back to our favourite little french bakery and took MIL there to enjoy the experience with us. Then the three of us made messes of ourselves while eating cream puffs, fruit tarts and napoleons while trying to drive through the city.

Your Weight . . .

January 2010 - 250 Pounds

January 2011 - 243 Pounds

January 2012 - I started the year off at 239, which wasn't my best weight from 2011 but still in comparison it's better than a year ago, and for that I can say that I am proud!

Picture Yourself . . .

January 2010

January 2011

I can see a little bit of weight difference in my face, my chin especially. And of course there is the hair. I think cutting your hair is a blogger trend for 2012 (I know of at least two of my blogging friends that have chopped their locks recently). I went into Sallys last week to check out some hair dye as my roots were looking nasty. Matt told me that he thought I could go bolder and that he wanted me to have the confidence and self esteem I used to have.

So bold I went. And I'm loving it.

Elicious Cookbook Giveaway!

2012-01-20T19:37:00.000-08:00

My friend Jenna from Newlyweds-Blog.com offered me a copy of her new cookbook to check out a few months ago, and then because she's completely awesome she offered to give one of my readers a free copy as well!

Not only that, but all of my readers will be able to purchase her cookbook for 20% off by using the code: E-LICIOUS20

I really enjoyed this cookbook. The recipes are easy to follow and delicious to make.

To enter leave a comment below answering the following question:

What were meals like when you were Newlyweds?

(if you're not married, then tell me your favourite flavor of Top Ramen.)

(That's not an insult. I love Top Ramen.)
(My husband however hates it.)
(We ate it a lot when we were Newlyweds.)

For extra entries like/follow Newlyweds Blog on Facebook, subscribe through RSS and/or email and leave a separate comment telling me that you've done so. (One comment each for Liking on Facebook and Subscribing).

This giveaway will end this Wednesday, January 25th at Midnight and a winner will be chosen Thursday morning.

Happy Birthday @AmzngSpiderMatt!

2012-01-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

Today is my husband's 28th birthday.

I haven't had a chance to sit down all day because we've been out celebrating.

To celebrate my husband's birthday, he took me to lunch and then took me to get my hair cut all while trying to shop around and look for something to buy for me.

He's a giver.

And I'm damn lucky.

Don't get me wrong, he got presents for himself as well.

I'm taking a moment to post this while cooking him a big fancy dinner, because he deserves that and so much more on his birthday.

I love you baby.

---

Be awesome and give a little love to my hubby on his birthday. Leave a message on his Facebook or tweet him at @AmzngSpiderMatt.

Love, Yourself - January

2012-01-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia,

Remember last year when you decided to write letters to yourself and read them a year later to see what a difference a year makes? Well guess what? That idea turned out to be kinda awesome, and it really helped you. So we're doing this again!

January 2010 Letter - You were working at the gas station and you could barely walk less than a block to work without your legs hurting.

January 2011 Update - You and Matt went to Santa Fe and walked everywhere and you loved it! Make it your goal to walk more. Even if it's just around the block every other day or something. Even if you're just walking around the backyard a few times. Get outside and walk! You can do it. Your legs are not broken anymore and despite what doctors said when you were two, YOU CAN WALK. My guess is, somewhere inside of that body, you even have the potential to run!

This time last year . . . you were taking care of Motherlys home while she went on vacation. It was a mini vacation for you too, but unfortunately you didn't get to spend much time with Motherly. She's one of few "parents" you've got left so go out of your way to call her every now and then. Which reminds me . . . call Debbie too. And Dad. And call your Grandmother while you're at it! At least once a month for crying out loud.

Also, you and Matt went to Santa Fe - which turned out to be one of your favourite places on earth! This is something that you both really love to do. It gets you out of the house, there's good food to be eaten, good sites to be seen and you get to spend real quality time with one another. Maybe from now on tho, you should PLAN to go to Santa Fe. So do that this month. Make a plan to go, and start saving up for it.

Your Weight . . .

January 2010 - 250 Pounds

January 2011 - 243 Pounds

Picture Yourself . . .

January 2010

January 2011

This is what you looked like in January 2011. You took this picture at Motherlys where you started wearing makeup again (and then for some reason stopped and then REALLY started wearing makeup again later on in the year, but that's another letter). You were so excited to see the difference a year can make. Keep that excitement and take a picture of yourself for January 2012 and post it along with the progress you have made.

Love,

Yourself

Getting Real with Mental Illness

2012-01-11T10:18:00.000-08:00

This last week has been a whirlwind of blah emotions. Coming back from visiting Motherly always puts me in a state of shock when I try to readjust to normal life. The first few days are filled with plenty of doting from the husband but eventually life goes on and it's hard to get back to normal.

I assume everyone has moments like this in their life, but when you have to deal with mental illness on top of that it can just be damn overwhelming.

I've been having some serious issues with depression this week especially. I wrote on Facebook yesterday that it's not the really bad days that are the hardest, it's the empty days. The bad days when emotions are high you can still say "at least I feel something" even if all you feel is pain, sadness and anger. But the days when you feel nothing . . . those days can get really scary.

Recently The Bloggess wrote a post about her own battle with mental illness. It was real, raw and beyond beautiful, and as usual she hit the nail on the head. She also admitted to self-harming, one of the hardest things to talk about even with others that deal with mental illness. So many assume that people who self-harm are eager to die, when often times it's quite the opposite. Oddly enough it helps to soothe anxiety and depression. I'm not advocating self-harm as a form of therapy of course, it's dangerous, frightening and unhealthy.

But I understand.

I understand because in the past, I too have used self-harm as a way to escape from the pain that comes with mental illness.

It has been almost six months since I last hurt myself. And that's something to be proud of. Something to celebrate.

But as The Bloggess says, "the fight goes on."

I still deal with depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder on a daily basis.

Functioning like a "normal" person can often times be overwhelming, exhausting and frustrating. And it's the hardest thing in the world to talk about because unless you've been exactly where I've been, you have no idea what it's like. You can't imagine how necessary getting out of the house to be around people is. Or quite the opposite, how being alone with peace and quiet is needed time to focus. How little things like laundry or cooking can drive you into a full blown panic attack. And little accomplishments like loading the dishwasher, putting on makeup or even just getting out of bed are monumental.

It's something I have to fight daily.

There are good days, bad days and those dreaded empty days. And it takes a lot of effort (and thankfully support from an amazing online community) to remind me that the good days will come. I can still be furiously happy.

I celebrate survival.

Because every morning that I wake up, I've survived mental illness.

Untypically in Love: Welcome to Utah

2012-01-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

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Chapter Forty-One
Welcome to Utah

The winter air blew through a small crack in the passengers window and I opened my eyes to see the most beautiful sight I'd seen in a long time: a fresh start. Freshly fallen snow lightly covered the ground as we entered Salt Lake City, my hometown. It had been several years since I'd been there, not since Grandma died. A long time since I'd seen my family, my older sister, my nieces and my father who was waiting for Chris and I to arrive at his home where we'd planned on staying until we each got on our feet.

We followed my Dad's directions which lead us to a small trailer park community in Sandy. My Dad was home to welcome me there with open arms, though a brief moment of awkwardness passed as we'd not seen each other in quite a few years. Not since he'd shown up on my doorstep back in New Mexico during a spur of the moment road trip where he'd met Matt face to face and let me drive his t-bird before I got my driver's license.

"How was the trip?" He asked after I introduced him to Chris.

"Long and cold," I yawned.

"Well get used to it, you're back home where it snows during the winter," he joked.

"Where's Miki and Johnny?" I asked after my step-mother and baby brother who I was eager to meet for the first time.

"Getting groceries. Gives you some time to unpack a little and rest up before dinner." My Dad lead us into his home where he showed us the spare room that we'd be sharing, which was right next to the bathroom that separated us from the master bedroom that he shared with his very pregnant wife and my two year old half brother. We sat on the couch in the living room catching up while Chris caught a quick nap, having driven the last portion of the trip while I napped. My Dad showed off his carpentry skills in the kitchen where he'd completely remodeled the cabinets.

When my step-mother Miki and brother Johnny returned, we had a quick introduction before Johnny became more interested in watching cartoons while Miki insisted on making dinner, a traditional meal from her home country of Bosnia. It wasn't long after dinner before the length of the trip - and the emotional farewell - caught up with me. Soon I was fast asleep in the spare room of my Dad's home - somewhere I'd never lived before, though back in the state that felt most like home to me. Still, something didn't feel quite right.

When we'd planned to move to Utah, I hadn't told many members of my family. Since everyone talks to one another - even in the days before Facebook - I knew that as soon as one cousin or aunt knew I was coming, the whole clan would be aware of my presence and I wanted to surprise a few people; mainly my older sister.

I called my aunt Debbie and told her I was back in Utah for good. She was excited and couldn't wait to see me. I had her arrange a family dinner with my sister Tiffany, who would bring along her own little growing brood. Debbie was sworn to secrecy.

Chris and I arrived at the restaurant late, just as planned and once we found the table they were seated at, I quickly hid behind a large decorative plant where I was kept from sight but could easily watch the show take place as Chris - who had never before met my family - approached the table with a big smile and familial voice.

"Tiffany?" He asked, looking directly at my sister, taking it a step further by referring to her by her maiden name, one she hadn't gone by in almost ten years.

"Yes?" My sister asked, suspiciously eying this stranger in front of her.

"Oh my gosh! It's me! Chris!" He smiled, leaning over to give her a quick hug of the shoulders. "We went to High School together!" He let out a few other details that I'd slipped him earlier and my sister smiled and pretended she knew exactly who he was.

"You don't remember me, do you?" He laughed.

"No, no . . . I do. It's just been a long time since High School," she lied, trying her hardest not to be that person who forgets someone who just recognized them. She was the picture perfect image of polite, even introducing her husband and children.

"Oh I talk about you all the time to my wife, she'll just be dying to meet you!" Chris exclaimed with excitement. "I'll go get her." He disappeared by walking around the corner to where I stood watching as my older sister embarassingly looked to her husband and then to my aunt Debbie.

"He's going to get his wife!" Her eyes were wide. "What am I going to say? I have no idea who that guy was!" It was obvious she was fumbling with the idea of getting up and leaving just as Chris came back with me on his arm.

"Are you really THE Tiffany?" I asked as I approached the table and watched her jaw drop to the floor. "My goodness, Chris has been going on and on about you for years."

Debbie burst into laughter as Tiffany sat there dumbfounded, covering her face as a blush crept against her cheeks. "Oh my gosh," she laughed, nearing tears. "I thought I was going crazy!" My sister stood up and wrapped her arms around me and suddenly I felt ten years old again. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here," I smiled.

"You live here?" She asked.

"Well, not here, I mean this is the Olive Garden, but Utah." I smirked. "Got here yesterday."

"How come I didn't know you were moving back?" She turned and looked at Debbie accusingly.

"Don't look at me, I just found out this morning," she laughed.

We all sat down and shared a meal. I caught my family up on the reasons for my leaving, though I left out a lot of the details which included two ex-boyfriends I had regrets dating, and the two I'd regretfully left behind. Chris fit in well enough, as he always did, and he was able to break the ice with my little nieces by making balloon animals for them. It felt good to be home.

"Is he your boyfriend?" Tiffany whispered to me as we got up to leave.

"No," I shook my head. "Just a friend who was game for a road trip."

"So, what happened with Matt?" She asked.

"It's a really long story," I sighed, not realizing that it had been so long that I'd spoken to my sister, she was still under the impression that Matt was in the picture - or at least had been until very recently. I considered avoiding bringing up Joseph and Riley and the year of hell I'd gone through, so I did just that. I put them out of my mind, refusing to allow them an inch on my new clean slate.

"I just needed to come home, start over, you know?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"I get it," she reached over and squeezed my shoulders. "We're glad you're back. Do you miss New Mexico at all?" She asked.

"For the most part no," I exhaled. "Just have a strange feeling like I forgot a few things is all."

The feeling continued to haunt me no matter what I did, which made me question everything I was doing. Did I leave the stove on? Did I lock the door? Did I forget my wallet? Anytime I left the house I was worried that something was wrong, all because this feeling wouldn't go away. I knew I'd made the right choice, coming to Utah. I needed this new start more than anything, and already I could feel it paying off. Except for that one nagging feeling.

Three weeks after our original arrival, Chris and I both moved out of my Dad's house and went our separate ways. Chris had reconnected with friends he knew in his own home state that had also relocated to Utah. He moved in with them in Riverton and took a job at a local hot spot restaurant in town. I moved to Holladay with my aunt Debbie and got a job at the University Hospital to work in the cafeteria. Salt Lake City is a very large area and consists of many smaller cities within it so traveling from one end to the other could very well take over an hour. Chris and I cut our ties due to inconvenience and went our separate ways.

Life then became all about reconstructing myself. I worked a lot, and I worked hard. Debbie also worked at the hospital, in the catering department so a ride to my job everyday was easy peasy. We'd wake up around four every morning and be to work by five. Debbie was a morning person and it rubbed off on me very quickly. I took to the new surroundings well, and I took to the people I worked with even better. I was good at my job, which felt great because it gave me something to concentrate on other than the nagging feeling that something was missing.

Eventually the feeling became overwhelming and I was losing sleep. I decided to return to Church, which was helpful because when you're really wanting a clean slate, there are fewer people that can give you one better than God. My new ward accepted me with open arms and love. My life was full again.

I was doing so well that when my cousins asked to set me up on a blind date, I felt ready to get back out there. He was a returned missionary that was in college and working. He had a total map for his life, was organized, healthy, fun and had a really good head on his shoulders not to mention good looking. We went along with my cousins to see a local band play, and then got pizza at a dive downtown before returning me home a little early due to my insane work schedule. The night was fine, the date went well, but that horrible feeling only got worse.

Something was wrong. I felt it now stronger than ever and it made my soul sick to focus on it for too long, but even when I tried to remain distracted, it never went away. It only got worse.

Metaphors and Sleeping Pills

2012-01-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all, I'm back from a wonderful trip at Motherly's where I ate Chipotle, watched a marathon of Ru Paul's Drag Race and got bit by the tiniest dog Satan. It's the first morning since my return and I thought I would knock out my first post of the new year.

Ideas for a post included me being serious and talking about goals. But goals make me sleepy. I thought about mentioning that supposedly 2012 will bring about the end of the world. But the apocalypse makes me sad AND sleepy.

So since I'm all about the sleepy over here, below is a transcript of what I could recall happened between Matt and I last night.

---

Matt: How're those sleeping pills treating you?

Jia: Baby they treat me so good.

Matt: I'm kinda hungry, we should go make something.

Jia: OMG! We should get orange juice! No . . . wait, I brushed my teeth, and brushing teeth is having sex.

Matt: Umm . . . what?

Jia: You know, like you can't drink the orange juice after you brush your teeth cause it'll taste like crap. And sex is crap. No . . . wait, that's not right. Is the orange juice sex?

Matt: What the hell are you talking about?

Jia: Okay, okay . . . *mid-sentence snore* I'm good. I get it now. So like marriage is orange juice, and brushing your teeth is sex. So like . . . you know, if you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth . . . the sex is all nasty. Wait, that's not right.

Matt: I get what you're saying, I just don't know what it has to do with getting us some food.

Jia: I can do this. The sex won't be nasty, but it'll be bitter or something. Ah, frick . . . just you know, no sex before marriage and oranges. And no poop in the brownies.

Matt: What!?

Jia: Ugh, don't you ever listen? Okay, so there's these brownies right? And they have poop in them.

Matt: I don't want poop in my brownies!

Jia: Oh my gosh it's not even that much poop!

Matt: I don't want any poop in my brownies!

Jia: Exactly.

Matt: Exactly what?

Jia: . . . .

Matt: Exactly what?

Jia: . . . .

Matt: Are you asleep?

Jia: I think when we have kids we should put lobsters in the boiling water instead of frogs.

Matt: Oh jeez.

Jia: Cause I mean . . . boiling water or water slowly boiling, you still got a fistful of dead frogs. And I'd rather have lobster.

Matt: You hate lobster.

Jia: Yeah but I'd rather have that then boiled frog legs, yo.

Matt: Did you just say "yo".

Jia: Plus the lobster will scream or something. And that'll scare our kids. So you know, lesson drive home biatch.

Matt: I think you should go to bed.

Jia: I wonder how lobsters are able to scream. Like can they talk? I can talk. If I was a lobster, I would say, "Yo, pass that butter man . . . I am delicious with it."

And then I don't remember anything else other than Matt took me to bed, put on the first episode of Portlandia and then I screamed, "Oh my gosh . . . there's the bird!" and then immediately passed out. I'm amazed I remembered this much to be honest.

---

Explaination:

Okay so there are metaphors that we're often taught in Church, especially when we are younger. When it comes to having sex before marriage, we say that it can be like brushing your teeth before drinking orange juice. But if you drink orange juice and THEN brush your teeth, you're not left with a bitter taste.

Then there was a little trick that our old seminary teachers taught us once with brownies. They brought and let us eat a bunch of brownies and then asked us if we watched rated R movies. Most of us were honest and said yes adding that, "It's okay if it's only a little bit of nudity/cursing/violence". So our teachers then told us they put dog poop in the brownies, but it's okay cause it was only a little bit.

(They really didn't put poop in the brownies, but message was certainly driven home.)

Lastly the frog in the pot of boiling water says that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it'll struggle to get out. But if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and then slowly turn the heat up, he'll let himself boil to death. So like . . . don't do little bad things, cause you could still end up a strippper or something.

Clearly these lessons stuck with us.

Wow, are you guys seriously ready for another year of me?

2011 in 12 Words

2011-12-31T17:40:00.000-08:00

Change.
Seven (years married).
Prayer.
Forgiveness.
Twenty-seven (years old).
Purpose.
Depression.
Renewal.
Seventeen (pounds lost).
Friendship.
Family.
Tradition.

Untypically in Love: One Last Kiss

2011-12-31T00:00:00.000-08:00

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Forty
One Last Kiss

"He kissed you?" Chris asked as we pulled into the gas station New Years day, prepping the car for it's long voyage to Utah. We'd planned to leave earlier but saying goodbye to friends and family was taking longer than expected.

"Yep." I grinned. "And keep in mind this is the same guy that was too shy or polite to kiss me back when we were actually dating." I pulled the handle from the gas tank and secured the cap before jumping in the car.

"Lucky. The only person to kiss me goodbye was my Mom." Chris laughed.

"I kind of want to go back, would that be weird?" I asked, wincing at the embarassing thought. "I mean, I don't want to get to Utah and then have to awkwardly write him and be like . . . hey . . . how've you been since we made out against the car that one time?"

"Ew, that's my car." Chris made a face.

"Be serious." I sighed.

"I think everyone deserves a real goodbye. If you want to go back to Josh's to say goodbye as friends instead of a call girl, by all means." He laughed.

I turned and punched him in the arm before starting the car and driving back toward Josh's house. It would be our last stop. We'd said goodbye to Chris' parents who gifted him with pajamas to keep him warm and a family heirloom cast iron skillet. I had said goodbye to my aunt and uncle and little sister and then made a quick stop to Matt's parents house where his Mom cried saying that she was losing the only daughter she'd ever had. Matt's father gave me a priesthood blessing to make sure I arrived in Utah safe and sound, and then as before I left their home, I called my Dad to let him know we'd be on our way.

Few else in Utah knew we were coming. I thought it would be a fun surprise, and my Dad has said we could stay with him until we found our own places and jobs. I was mentally and emotionally ready to hit the road until we hit that gas station and Chris asked me about the night before.

We pulled the car and parked it against the curb of Josh's house where he stood outside fixing something on his car. I stepped out and awkwardly smiled at him, half expecting a look of regret on his face.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be somewhere in Utah by now?" Josh asked as he approached, wrapping his arms around me in a hug.

"We're running late," Chris said as he popped his head out the passenger side window. "She wanted to come say goodbye."

"Isn't that what last night was about?" Josh whispered through a grin at me and I actually giggled. Despite all the drama we'd been through, all the hurt and heart ache, he was still flirting with me. And me, being the dramatic girl that I was, couldn't help but be won over by it.

"Well maybe I hadn't had enough goodbye." I smiled and hugged him closer.

"Well I hate to break it up, but we do need to be leaving if we plan on getting there tonight," Chris frowned.

I smiled and looked up at Josh just as he looked down at me. I wanted to say goodbye as friends, but he was hugging me and he was so warm, and the temptation was too great. I leaned up and kissed him just like he'd done the night before. Everything was the same. He touched my hair, held me close and kissed me back. Instead of the moonlight shining on our faces it was the sun beaming down on us, though the temperature still stayed the same. Cold outside, warm inside.

But . . .

Something was different.

Something was missing.

Was it the spontaneity? Had I taken it one step too far? Had I done something wrong? I pulled away feeling awkward as though Josh was still Josh and I was still me, but suddenly whatever tension between us was gone. The need to kiss him again was missing. I shrugged off the feeling and gave him another hug before saying goodbye and crawling in the car.

"You okay?" Chris asked.

"Not sure. Something's . . . weird." I tried to shake the feeling off.

'I just wanted one last kiss.' I remember Josh saying the night before. I couldn't help but wonder, was that it? Was that why it felt so strange? Was our one last kiss the night before and any kiss that came after too much? Mentally I tried to think about Josh and the feelings I'd previously associated with him, but they too were gone. No romance. No spark. No tingles. Just the same love and friendship I'd always felt for him before, but changed.

"At least we're still friends, and I ended things that way," I nodded, trying to assure myself that everything was okay.

"You sure you're ready to go?" Chris asked. "No more pit stops?"

I sighed heavily. "I need closure." I swallowed hard and turned the car down a road that let to the book store where I knew Matt was working.

"This is the last ex you need to visit right?" Chris joked.

"Just . . . stay in the car." I insisted as I stepped out and swallowed my pride as I stepped foot in the store and found Matt ringing people up on the cash register. The store was busy, clearly most people trying to exchange Christmas gifts or cash in on the post holiday sales.

When Matt's eyes caught mine, I waved and silently told him to come here. He looked at the line of people he was waiting on and sighed, silently asking me to wait. So wait I did. For ten minutes or so I watched as the line trickled down to one last person before Matt closed his register and had someone else take over for him.

"Aren't you supposed to be gone?" He asked as he approached.

Without a word, I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me, and suddenly there it was. The warmth . . . the tingles. I held him tightly as my eyes watered up, not wanting to let go too early and have him see me crying. I gathered myself together and finally let go enough to look him in the eyes and then kiss him on the cheek.

"Goodbye." I whispered and then turned and walked away.

I jumped in the car, looking back only once to see Matt staring at me through the window of the store. I gulped down hard and turned on the car, eventually pulling out onto the highway that would take us to Utah.

"You okay?" Chris asked.

"Yeah, just getting sentimental over leaving." I muttered.

About two hours into the trip, Chris had fallen fast asleep. The only things I had to keep me company was the snowy desert road ahead of me that showed no hint of ever ending, a passing sign that read Salt Lake City 410 miles, and Pam Tillis in the CD player starting up The River and the Highway. I turned the music up to overpower Chris' snoring, and began to sing along.

"Heaven knows she can't go with him . .. he can't go with her," I swallowed hard, the words coming out of my mouth in short sobs."And she rolls all by herself. And he rolls all by himself. Fare thee well."

By the time the sun set and we closed in on the southern Utah border, Chris was awake and my tears had dried up. But the feeling that I'd left something very important behind stayed with me.

Resolutions and Other Lies I Tell Myself

2011-12-28T12:46:00.001-08:00

I'm getting ready for my second annual New Years Eve spent at Motherlys house in Colorado. Every year the parents decided to go to Las Vegas for the big celebration only to come home a few days later complaining about how they always stay too long and that next year they're just going to stay home.

Then about eleven or so months later I get a text message that says, "Wanna watch my dogs for a week after Christmas?"

I don't mind. In fact I look forward to it. Time alone is needed, peace and quiet (aside from the dogs) is practically a happy sedative, and there's a Chipotle literally within walking distance. Not MY walking distance, but I'm sure someone could make it there and back without pulling something.

So close to Christmas, I hadn't started packing until yesterday, which is weird because my OCD makes me want to start packing for a trip about two weeks ahead of schedule. I'm the type of person that shows up to the airport two hours ahead of time and then watches Netflix on my phone with my feet propped up on the seat next to me like I live there. So not having things ready usually would seem like a panic attack waiting to happen.

But I'm savoring the last lazy moments of 2011. Which would be a lot easier if I still didn't have to pack.

One suitcase is ready to go and I'm just waiting for some laundry to finish drying before I can close 'er up. But my other suitcase is completely missing. The bulky one that usually carries my hair dryer, curling iron and other things I rarely use because I pack hair ties in my purse. It also houses my makeup case which will not fit in the larger suitcase surrounded by all my clothes. I'm forced to choose whether or not to leave it at home, or to pack less clothing since Motherly does have a washer and dryer.

Matt's already been telling me how much he's going to miss me and how much he loves me. Last night I told him that neediness wasn't sexy and that he should ignore me from time to time. So this morning when he went to work one of the last things he said was, "Take the garbage out before you go to the airport," and he didn't even kiss me goodbye. Kinda turned me on.

If you're hoping for some New Years resolution post, ain't gonna be one. I have one chapter of Untypically in Love set to post on Saturday and then you won't hear anything from me until after the 5th of January (unless of course you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, which I'll be using as often as possible in order to avoid watching marathons of Toddlers and Tiaras).

On second thought . . . I do have a New Years resolution! I resolve to be in Colorado for New Years! And as long as I avoid any problems with the TSA or a horrific plane crash, I should be all accomplished come January 1st. How's that for over achieving?

Love, Yourself - A Year in Perspective

2011-12-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

.....

A year ago I had a strange idea. I thought about writing letters to myself in order to show the difference a year could make. I was tired of living day to day and seeing no progress in my weight, my health, my mental illness, my relationships and my spirit. I focused mostly on weight this year and paying attention to my body, which really did help - even if sometimes I didn't lose weight, or still ended up sick.

It's been a year now since that first letter posted, and I've learned some things . . .

January 2011

"We both felt great walking long distances."

Something Learned: Matt and I went on a vacation to Santa Fe where we walked everywhere. I had previously been unable to walk less than a block without my knees and hips hurting, but here I was able to walk miles around the city with some ease.
Weight: 243 (Down from 250 in December 2010)

February 2011

"Panic attacks come and go on occasion, but I'm no longer paralyzed by fear!"

Something Learned: February was an anniversary for me. It had been a year since my mental breakdown. And a year later I was doing great. I had previously had issues with my friends and family getting pregnant while I struggled with infertility, but not only did I welcome my new nephew into the world with love, but one of my best friends had her first baby, and another is due any day now. I couldn't be happier for them!

Weight: 239

March 2011

"Even if I gain weight, even if I have to start over from the beginning, I will not stop because I'd rather keep walking forward despite the odds than sit down and let everything run me over."

Something Learned: Between fighting physical sickness and mental illness, March was a struggle but I came through fighting. I learned that instead of saying, "Oh I'm sick, might as well give up on everything," that I just need to take care of myself, push through and keep going once I'm better.

Weight: 234

April 2011

"I am still drinking water and have cut down on the soda I drink.

No more kidney stones!"

Something Learned: I started going to the doctor when I needed to, which continued to be a struggle but there is progress there. I cut down on the amount of soda I was drinking and really saw the improvement. I started taking control of my depression and sought out therapy which became a lifesaver. I even gave medication a try (which turned out not so good, but the important thing is that I tried.)

Weight: 239

May 2011

"While my first week as a 27 year old hasn't exactly been perfect,

I'm still alive and life is beautiful."

Something Learned: Perspective. Medication I was on was making things harder to work through, but I kept going and kept trying to see the difference in every moment. I really tried to seek out the good in the word even though my body was breaking down a bit.

Weight: 234

June 2011 - August 2011

Sometimes mental illness can put you down for a day, sometimes it can put you down for three months. But you get up and keep going when you finally can.

September 2011

"I have had a lot of feedback from family and friends telling me

how good I look and how much weight I've clearly lost."

Something Learned: I spent a few weeks with my little sister and Motherly which really helped give me the family connection I had been craving. I developed an addiction to makeup which helped because when you suffer from depression you don't want to get out of bed let alone look pretty. So when I put my makeup on, it showed a real effort to myself. We also moved back in with Matt's parents which was very stressful, but I held it together, got rid of tons of clutter and left behind a ton of stress that came along with our old apartment.

Weight: 239

October 2011

"I'm just amazed at how totally blessed I am right now

with the progress that I've made."

Something Learned: I was (and continue to be) amazed by the progress I've made when it comes to my OCD and agoraphobia. I used to be so afraid of so much and now, though I still have issues, I can actually look at the world with clear eyes and even a little bit of hope.

Weight: 233 - My Lowest Weight This Year!

November 2011

"I certainly weigh less than I did this time a year ago!"

Something Learned: November was hard. Between being sick, the family being sick, and of course depression, it was hard to get up and move, or get anything done. But one thing I was able to accomplish was an amazing Thanksgiving. I continue to make myself proud in keeping holiday traditions.

Weight: 236

December 2011

"It's hard, but it's a baby step type of thing.

You don't wake up one day cured of mental illness, and I know that."

Something Learned: I know that depression is a part of who I am, at least right this moment, and I have to move with it sometimes instead of struggle against it and wear myself out. There are still good moments that I can make out, which is still progress because in my really bad depression days I couldn't see the light anywhere. Now I can. I know that somewhere in the future, whether it's tomorrow or next month, I'll feel better.

Weight: 238

---

I've learned a lot about myself this year. Words that stick out to me are Perspective, Blessings, Progress, Pride and Hope. I learned it all in 2011 and it's something I hope to carry into 2012. I won't be making any New Years resolutions . . . I'm just going to love myself more. I'm going to keep writing letters to myself (and have written most of them all already) and in loving myself more, I'm going to continue in my adventure to lose weight and be healthy, to live with and overcome my mental illness. I'm going to focus more on my marriage and my family, and put an extra effort in maintaining my relationship with God.

I really want to thank you amazing readers for this year. These letters have been to me from me, but they've all been signed by you with love, support and friendship. Thank you.

Happy New Year, y'all.

Thanks 2011!

2011-12-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

I wanted to give a little stats update about 2011 on my blog plus some decent reciprocal blog pimpage.

This has been a great year for me and I have all of you to thank for it!

Top Site Referrals:

Top Google Search Terms:

Untypically Jia
MILF
PMS
Obedient Wife
Men VS Women

Top Commenters:

Top Facebook Followers:

Katrina from Finding Equipoise
Charlie from Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt
Dana from Day by Dana
Leslie from Motherhood in Mexico
Amanda from My Big Fat Geek Recipes

Top Twitter Followers:

Thank you all for being superbly awesome and making this year amazing here at Untypically Jia!

Untypically in Love: One to Go

2011-12-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Thirty-Nine
One to Go

"I'm bored," I said as I looked at Chris who was sifting through a list of music, trying to find a decent song to request. We were still planning on leaving the following morning, but it was New Years Eve and the Church was putting on a dance for the young single adults. One last hurrah before we said goodbye to New Mexico.

All I wanted to do was go home and sleep to prepare for the fourteen plus hour drive ahead of us, and in the middle of winter I'd have to be wide awake to make sure I didn't drift into a snow bank or off an icy cliff. I'd agreed to go to the dance though, wishing I at least had a date.

Matt and I hadn't spoken since Christmas day. We'd decided to be nice enough to each other for holiday sake, and unwrapping presents always put us each in a better mood. When the time came for me to leave, Matt waved and left it at that. It made me sick inside to leave things between us so tense, but I just reminded myself that it was for the best.

Josh on the other hand was anything but angry. I'd made plans to stop by his house the following morning before we left to say goodbye and he seemed perfectly content, as if my leaving made no difference whatsoever. Maybe he'd already gotten whatever closure he needed, or maybe I was being overly dramatic and made things harder for myself in thinking that anyone needed closure to begin with.

The countdown finished and balloons fell from the ceiling as everyone at the dance screamed, "Happy New Year!" Couples surrounding us began to kiss and I rolled my eyes. "Now can we go?" I asked Chris.

"Aww, you're a bummer. Can't you see the romance of the holiday at all?" He smirked.

"No. I'm single and the only two guys I've ever really loved I have to say goodbye to tomorrow. And did I mention one of them pretty much hates me?" I headed for the door.

Chris said a few quick goodbyes to some friends before following me out the Church door and down the stairs to where we parked the car, which was packed with all of our belongings. It was amazing that no one had broken in to steal everything.

"Well you shouldn't let Matt and Josh ruin your night," Chris said, always looking for the bright side. "Besides, you're leaving tomorrow. It's not like anything you said or did tonight would really change anything in the long run."

The ride home from the dance I thought about what Chris had said. He was right after all. I was leaving tomorrow no matter what, nothing could change that. But I didn't need to spend the night being pissed off. As we pulled into the driveway of Chris' parents house, I hopped out of the car and rushed over, snagging the car keys from his hand.

"Can I borrow the car for a little bit?" I asked.

"Am I going to need to take the first shift driving tomorrow?" He asked.

"Possibly. Depending on how well this goes." I nervously bit my cheek.

"Go, have fun. Tell Josh I said bye."

A few minutes later I pulled Chris' green car into Josh's driveway and gulped down hard. The last time I decided to be bold with Josh, I'd made an ass of myself and then spent several weeks wondering what the hell was wrong with me, before he finally decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. We didn't have that kind of time. I was leaving in the morning and more than ever, was determined to have one last good moment in New Mexico before leaving all the sadness and regret behind me.

I knocked on the door softly, checking my watch quickly to see it was already after one in the morning. I grit my teeth, hoping that I wouldn't wake him up. The door slowly opened and Josh stood there with a grin on his face.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready for your trip?" He asked.

"Nah, it's New Years Eve, I'm supposed to be partying or something." I shrugged.

"Technically it's New Years Day." He pointed out.

"Well . . . we can pretend." I suggested.

Josh chuckled and opened the door to let me in.

We didn't talk much. No need to rehash the past over and over again, analyzing every last detail of every word ever spoken. It was a relief. Josh knew I was leaving and most likely never coming back, so we could just make the most of whatever time was left. Audra was wrong, there was no need for closure.

We sat on the couch watching an old mobster movie that Josh was already halfway through. Ten minutes in I found myself cuddled into his side, my head against his chest as his arm pulled me close against him. Every few minutes he would try to explain what was happening in the movie, and I'd smile and nod my head like I understood. In reality I was wondering how long before I'd ever feel this way again. I wasn't good at creating new relationships anymore, Joseph and Riley proved that too well. Would it be easier in Utah? Would I find someone who could just sit there and hold me without me somehow ruining it all and breaking their heart?

I made a mental note to do what I could to never date anyone who had another single male friend.

I started thinking of the future. Would I find my future husband in Utah? If so, could I ever tell him about my past? Could I tell him how I fell in love with Matt and spent years loving him more than anything in the world? Could I tell him how I'd spent a year of my life ruining my self esteem and letting Joseph and Riley lead me on? Could I tell him how I spent New Years Eve in the arms of my first high school love, all while fully intending on driving away the next morning?

"Deep in thought?" Josh asked, snapping me out of my trip to the future.

"Sleepy." I shrugged and leaned in closer to him.

"Come on, I'll walk you to your car." He patted my arm and helped me to stand up.

I grumbled as I thought of the cold, remembering that Chris' car didn't have a heater. Then just as I stepped out the front door I realised that this was it. This would be goodbye for Josh. This would be the last time I saw him. What was I supposed to do? How could you say goodbye to someone who had been such a big part of your life?

"I guess this is goodbye," I sighed as I reached the car and turned around to face him.

Before I could say another word, I felt Josh's hands on either side of my face as he leaned down and placed his lips on mine. A shiver went up my spine and I immediately found myself kissing him back. Despite the temperature outside being close to freezing, my body was suddenly filled with warmth as he continued kissing me. The once shy boy who waited two weeks before he ever kissed me, was now taking control of the situation like I'd always wanted him to.

"I. . . " I stuttered for a moment as he pulled away. "I don't really have to go to Utah." I grinned.

"Yes you do," Josh smiled and kissed me again. "I just wanted one last kiss."

"Yeah," I sighed. "Things are already packed and . . . stuff."

"Drive safe." Josh smiled and opened my door, taking one last moment to touch my cheek before I sat down in the car and turned the key.

Driving away I sighed. Why couldn't every goodbye end that well?

Happy Day to You and Yours

2011-12-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas to all my dear friends, family and readers.

And because we come from all walks of life, culture and religion . . . let me add a Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, Happy Kwanza, Feliz Navidad and from our Irish-Scottish home . . . Nollaig Shona Daoibh and Nollaig Chridheil!

I wish you all the very best holidays and many blessings for the year to come!

Untypical Christmas Traditions

2011-12-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

Being the people that we are, coming from the families that we did, and having the heritage that we do, Matt and I have tried to infuse our holidays and everyday lives with traditions from all walks of life. I just finished one of my most hated Christmas traditions, buying presents a few days before the big day. It's never my intention of course, but you have to live by the laws of the paycheck sometimes.

I spent the whole day with my mother in law, getting those last minute gifts (or all of them in my case) for everyone. It was a crazy day. People were in a rush, impatient, rude and snarky. I wish I was one of those people that could strike up a conversation with a stranger and somehow cheer them up in the process. Thankfully my mother in law is one of those people and discussed at length the troubles of sciatica pain with a man who stood in line with us for about twenty minutes. By the time we reached the register, we were all laughing and joking around. We tried our best to at least make the poor cashiers smile every now and then - it's clear they've been through hell today.

Right now though I'm relaxing and thinking about all the things I have left to do.

A pile of presents is waiting for me to wrap. A penguin ornament filled tree is standing next to the computer reminding me that Matt and I need to finish our 2011 penguin ornament to hang on the tree. The stockings are hung (though not yet stuffed) and there's the faint smell of dried fruit soaking in spices in the kitchen, readying itself for me to make barmbrack (a traditional Irish sweet bread) tomorrow. I make it on Christmas, even though traditionally it's made on Halloween, but I like it around this time of year because it reminds me of fruit cake (except it's not terrible LOL).

One tradition I won't be keeping this year is my homemade spiced peaches. Just didn't have the time or the money to get it done this year. Oh well, next Christmas is only twelve months away.

There are a few other traditions we have, one of which includes a ten dollar trip to the Dollar Tree where Matt and I buy each other small presents, and of course a marathon of Christmas movies that started last night with The Grinch, and will end with a massive overload of A Christmas Story on Sunday night.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and there's only one real tradition that I've kept myself for this day. Sometime at night before I go to sleep, I light a candle and place it in a front window (or sometimes on the porch if I was afraid of a fire) to light the way for the Holy Family. It's something I've done myself for the past several years, and this year will be no different (other than I bought an LED "candle" that won't have the potential to start any fires).

Earlier this month at a Church meeting for the women in our ward we all got to talk about traditions. We learned that there's a family in our ward who also celebrate Hanukkah. I love that and I'm honestly considering it for next year (in addition to Christmas). I'm always game for new holidays and traditions, especially when they involve cultures that we can incorporate into our celebrations. It may have been centuries and centuries ago, but I have Jewish ancestry (though it's more Irish and Scottish as the years get closer to me.)

One thing I've always envied my typical Irish Catholic ancestors is that every Christmas they would attend mass. My family and I are LDS (Mormon) and we only attend Church on Sundays, but thankfully this Christmas falls on a Sunday so you will find us bright eyed and bushy tailed sitting in the pews singing Christmas carols with the rest of the congregation. I'm really excited about it. There's something special to me about going to Church on Christmas - considering the reason for the season (at least for the Church goers).

One tradition that I haven't kept going is one that Motherly would always have at her house growing up. We wouldn't have a big meal of turkey or ham. We'd wake up at the crack of dawn, open all of our presents and by the time we'd finished cleaning up the wrapping paper (and tried on our new outfits) Motherly would have homemade hoagies in the oven warming up for Christmas lunch. Nothing tasted more like Christmas at the time! My sister Kristine and I recently recalled this and both of us excitedly reminisced about Christmases past and how we miss our holiday hoagies.

As the years go on I'm hoping to add more traditions to our holidays. Stories to be read (as well as scriptures), carols to be sung, crafts and cookies to be made and maybe . . . just maybe a tradition that involves not being at Walmart on Christmas Eve Eve.

Christmas Without Children

2011-12-23T10:54:00.000-08:00

Warning: I'm totally going to buzz-kill your Christmas spirit.

---

Sometimes in the middle of the holiday rush I'm reminded of the burden and pain that comes with infertility. The fact that I do not have children does not escape me. I'm constantly being reminded of it by strangers who ask when we plan on having children - as if we don't want them. Reminded by family who say little things in passing as if we are purposely trying to avoid having kids. Reminded by myself and the empty spaces over the fireplace where extra Christmas stockings should be hanging, but aren't.

I have a hard time with holidays that are supposed to be focused on children.

I want to make and decorate Christmas cookies with a toddler for the first time.

I want to take adorable pictures of my kids wrapped in Christmas lights.

I want to send out photo Christmas cards with our family photos.

I want to hang paper ornaments on the tree that are signed with crayon and dated by age instead of year.

I want to fill my children's eyes with the magic of Santa (and then possibly ruin that by having them get their picture taken with him at the mall).

I want to sing Christmas carols with someone who never wants to stop.

I want to experience Christmas lights with a little one for the first time.

I want to be woken up early on Christmas morning with the excited words, "It's Christmas!"

I want the winter pageants and the snowmen and the snow angels and passing on the Christmas traditions that Matt and I have created for ourselves.

But right now I have no one to pass them onto.

And the holidays are a constant reminder of that.

---

No sympathy comments please. If you're going to comment at all, tell me one holiday tradition that you are going to / are currently passing onto your own children.

UPrinting Postcard Giveaway

2011-12-20T15:37:00.000-08:00

One of my favourite sites, UPrinting is offering another giveaway to my readers!

I absolutely love this company and the product they produce. With their last giveaway I was able to receive a little prize myself to see what my readers would be in store for and I was really pleased with the quality!

Giveaway Information

What You Could Win:

- 100 pcs Postcards for one winner
- 5” x 7”, 14pt Cardstock Gloss, No Folding
- Front Only Printing
- 14pt Cardstock Gloss / Matte / High Gloss (UV), or 13pt Cardstock Uncoated
- 2 Business Days Turnaround time
- Free US shipping only

Entry Requirements:

1.
Click the above button to Like the UPrinting Postcard Page then share in the comments below how you would use the postcards if you win the giveaway.

2.
Click the above button to tweet about the giveaway then leave a comment below including the link to your tweet.

Additional Entries (optional):

Like UPrinting on Facebook
Follow UPrinting on Twitter
Add UPrinting on your Circle on Google Plus

Leave a comment per additional entry.

Restrictions:

Giveaway will end December 27th and a winner will be announced here December 28th.
Open to US residents only, must be 18 and above to enter.
Winners are allowed to win only once over a six-month period.

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Winner: Congrats Meagan Goepferich!

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Disclaimer: This giveaway is sponsored by UPrinting, no monetary compensation was given and I will receive postcards for hosting.

Love, Yourself (December Update)

2011-12-19T09:24:00.000-08:00

December was when I started writing these letters to you. You were realistically motivated for the first time and you admitted that you could not get healthy on your own. Your friend Charlie created a blog for you and began teaching you about eating habits and how to get on the right track to losing weight.

Things have been a little slow on the weight loss front. But they are going to get better. I'm back in motivation mode and after losing 100 pounds herself, Charlie is back to help me overcome my own issues and excuses.

This month has been good so far emotionally. Only one panic attack. You're feeling upbeat more often than not and you feel good about the future. Keep that up. You'll do just fine.

Though no panic attacks, this month has gone down on the depression scale. I can always tell when I'm in a depression funk, and for some reason this winter has got a good hold of me. It may also have a lot to do with my insomnia which can fluctuate every day. But I'm trying. It's hard, but it's a baby step type of thing. You don't wake up one day cured of mental illness, and I know that. Sometimes all I can do is wake up and put clothes on, and sometimes that enough.

This month you weighed 250 pounds, and . . . you spend the month fighting your way to staying healthy. You get sick every year and this year it was a daily struggle to avoid catching the flu, a cold or any random virus. You also injured your wrist because you put all your weight on it while moving in bed. You also started getting migraines this month that were so painful it pretty much put you out of commission for days.

Still got sick. Not nearly as bad as last year though, which was amazing. I still have migraines but those also come with the insomnia. I'm hoping that when our new insurance kicks in come New Year, I'll get to the doctor and get ALL of my issues sorted out one by one. Oh and on the scale front, I am at 238 as of this morning. I've gained a few pounds since last month, but I am NOT 250 anymore. Twelve pounds down from a year ago, that's still progress.

This is what you looked like in December 2010.

December 2010

This is what you look like now, December 2011

December 2011

Love, Yourself (December)

2011-12-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia,

December was when I started writing these letters to you. You were realistically motivated for the first time and you admitted that you could not get healthy on your own. Your friend Charlie created a blog for you and began teaching you about eating habits and how to get on the right track to losing weight.

Christmas was good this year and you know what? You worry way too much, sistah friend. Next year just prepare a little more in advance and assume that Matt will want to throw a party last minute again, then you'll automatically be ready.

This month has been good so far emotionally. Only one panic attack. You're feeling upbeat more often than not and you feel good about the future. Keep that up. You'll do just fine.

This month you weighed 250 pounds, and . . . you spend the month fighting your way to staying healthy. You get sick every year and this year it was a daily struggle to avoid catching the flu, a cold or any random virus. You also injured your wrist because you put all your weight on it while moving in bed. You also started getting migraines this month that were so painful it pretty much put you out of commission for days.

This is what you looked like in December 2010. You loved how your hair and makeup looked in the mirror but the camera told a different story and you couldn't bring yourself to smile. You photoshopped this picture and still weren't happy with it. Please stop taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom lighting. They never turn out that great.

So take a picture of yourself today, December 2011 and post it tomorrow along with the progress you have made.

Love,

Yourself

Untypically in Love: The Hardest Part of Love . . .

2011-12-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Thirty-Eight
The Hardest Part of Love . . .

"Jessi . . . Matt was in a car crash tonight."

All at once I felt my body begin to buckle inwards as I clutched the phone painfully to my ear and made a quick, "Quiet!" to my chit chatting roommates. Bringing the phone back up to my face, I fought back tears as I spoke.

"What do you mean Matt was in a car crash?" I asked as adrenaline pumped into my body, urging me to get off my ass and do something, but petrified, all I could do was sit and wait. The length of her pauses made it all the worse. They were seemingly endless and I begged her to tell me it all at once, like a band-aid. Rip it off and let me feel the real pain.

"He's okay," she finally said.

I exhaled through grit teeth, an attempt to breathe while at the same time prevent the possibility of vomiting that my stomach seemed very keen on doing. My body began to relax as I passed the word to my prying friends, though my hand still cramped itself around the telephone like a vice.

"What happened?" I asked her. "Where are you?"

"We're at the Emergency Room," she replied, trying to multitask a conversation between me and a nurse.

"In the ER?" Panic rose again. "I thought he was okay?" Gaining the strength in my legs, I stood and moved the conversation into the other room, shutting the door behind me, though I could hear at least two of my roommates as they pressed their ears against the door.

"Well it was a real car accident, and he did get hurt. But the doctors say he'll be okay. They're running a few tests and scans to make sure there's no brain damage."

"He hit his head?" In my mind I tried to recall the last words I said to him. They couldn't have been great. They might have even been when I broke it off with him, for no good reason at all. How could I have been so stupid. Considering my mother, aunt and Grandmother had all died I should have known better than to leave someone I loved with not so loving words.

"How did it happen?" I asked, secretly praying that whoever was driving hadn't been drinking. The last thing I needed right now was to go down to the ER and start breaking bones.

"Bad weather, bad driving. They had the right of way but someone tried to turn when they weren't supposed to. Hit them pretty hard. Matt hit his head into the window . . . yes, I just thought I should call her." I could hear Matt's Mom talking to someone, most likely his Dad.

"Tell him I . . ." I paused to notice she wasn't listening just yet.

"Sorry sweetie, what was that?" She asked.

"I said . . . umm . . . I'm glad he's okay." And then we both hung up the phone.

Walking out into the living room, I put the phone back and smiled politely at my roommates and friends before silently stepping out onto the front porch and letting out a painful - though muffled - cry. My knees buckled and I leaned up against the walls of my home, pulling my arms in tight against me as the crisp winter air blew across my skin.

"He okay?" Audra asked as she came outside, smart enough to bring her own sweater, plus another for me. I refused it at first, but took it the second time around when I saw the snow really begin to fall on our front lawn.

"Mom says he's okay. Getting scanned." I sighed loudly and watched the heat from my words rise up in smoke and then drift off into the wintery ether before vanishing altogether. "I don't know what I would have done, Audra." I shook my head.

"Done what?" She asked, scooting closer to me so we could stay warm together. "If Matt died?"

"I can let him go, I've done it in the past so many times, and I've hurt him each time . . . it's easier when I'm the bad guy I guess," I shook my head. "But Audra . . . if he died . . . I just don't know what I would do." Immediately the tears began falling down my cheeks and I became completely inept at stopping them.

"Matt's not dead," she tried consoling me. "He's fine, you're fine. There's nothing to worry about. Well, there is one little thing you should at least be aware of?"

"Oh?" I sniffled and wiped my tears away on the sleeve of my sweater. "And what's that?"

Audra smiled sadly. "You're still in love with Matt."

"Don't," I stood up and began walking away. "I let him go. That's not what this is about."

"It's what it's been about for the last several years. You love Matt, you know it, I know and I bet you anything he knows it too." She reached out and took my arm, pulling me around to face her. "You need to make some decisions before you get all your bags packed and ready to go for Utah."

"I made my decision Audra," I sighed. "I ended things with Matt. Do I worry about him? Yes, of course. But this changes nothing."

"Well if you're telling the truth, which I doubt," she smirked. "You still have to get some closure with Josh."

"Josh made it very clear that we're just friends." I pointed out.

"Sometimes I don't think the three of you has ever made anything very clear. You're in love with two men my friend." She opened the front door. "You need to deal with that. And soon."

I clumped down on the front porch as Audra shut the door behind her. Glancing inside, I watched the rest of my friends open presents and then fight over what Christmas movie we were going to watch. In the corner, underneath the small tree I noticed two remaining presents for me. One left a week earlier by Josh, and another dropped off two days ago by Matt. I hadn't opened either just yet.

The metaphors were overwhelming.

"Merry Christmas." I sighed.

When actual Christmas Eve rolled around, I found myself arriving at Matt's home, the place where I'd spent every Christmas Eve since I was fifteen. Matt's parents insisted, especially since I didn't have any family in town on Christmas day. It was awkward at first, as it always was when Matt and I weren't generally on speaking terms.

"I'm glad you're okay," I managed to get out when his parents were in the kitchen finishing the dishes.

Matt remained fixated on the television, searching through the guide to remind himself which channel would be playing twenty-four hours of A Christmas Story, his favourite holiday movie. "Thanks," he muttered.

A few more casually kind words were exchanged before everyone went to bed. I snuggled up on the living room couch by myself, my eyes looking around the room that was lit up by the Christmas tree in the corner of the room, stacks of presents piled underneath - many of which surprisingly for me.

I realised that this could possibly be the last time I saw this house, at least for a while. I was moving in a week, Chris and I had planned to start our new lives on the first day of a new year. Bags were packed and all that was left was to say goodbye and according to Audra . . . get closure.

I breathed in the smell of the blanket that covered me, trying to memorize it for the cold nights in Utah when I'd probably find myself missing New Mexico, and everyone in it. I sat up to fluff my pillow and glanced down the hallway where I noticed that Matt's bedroom light was still on. Summoning up whatever courage I could, I stood up and walked to the door, lightly knocking on it.

"Yeah?" I heard from the other side.

"Can't sleep?" I asked as I opened the door to find Matt sitting on his bed, an X-box controller in hand.

"Not really." He said, not taking his eyes off the screen.

I walked into the room uninvited and sat down beside him, glancing at the small bandage on the side of his head, the one reminder of the nightmare of a phone call I'd gotten earlier in the week. "Does it hurt?" I asked.

Matt shrugged. "Little bit." He adjusted the bandage. "My glasses press on it every now and then."

"You'll probably have a pretty cool scar," I smirked. "Remember when we were younger and we spent like an hour on the phone telling each other how we got all of our scars?" I laughed.

"Why are you here?" He asked, setting the controller down and finally bringing his eyes to meet mine.

Caught off guard, I turned away from him. "It's Christmas," I shrugged.

"And this isn't your family."

"You're right. But it still feels like it is." I tried to keep myself from tearing up.

"You can't just leave me for no good reason, tell me you're moving to Utah with another guy and then show up for the holidays." His voice was bitter, and while had good reason for it, it was still hard to hear.

"I'm not moving to Utah with Chris, he's just a friend." I argued.

"That's besides the point." He sighed. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to have you here right now?" He asked.

"It's hard for me too," I whispered. "I may have been the one to put an end to everything but I didn't do it because I stopped caring about you. I did it because you deserve better."

"You don't get to decide that for me." He winced a little and took off his glasses to rub at the bandage. "I'm a grown man and I can decide for myself what I deserve."

"What have I ever done to make you want me?" I asked him. "Sometimes I think you and Josh both are just glutton for punishment." I scoffed and stood up. "Look, hate me all you want Matt, maybe it's better that way. And after this week I'll be gone forever. Make your own decisions then." I stood up and walked out of the room.

Closure. Yeah, right.

I crawled back onto the couch swallowing my emotions. It would be easier this way. I couldn't tell him how I really felt. It wouldn't change anything. I was moving and he was staying here.

"One down." I sighed and contemplated how well my final goodbye with Josh would go over.

>>> Chapter Thirty-Nine

ooShirts.com Helps Me Spread the Message - Don't Drink and Drive

2011-12-17T13:24:00.000-08:00

About a month ago I was contacted by a representative from ooShirts.com, a company that specialises in helping you create custom t-shirts for great prices. They offered me a couple of custom t-shirts in exchange for a review, like many reviews go.

And I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my t-shirts.

I sent my idea back to the representative who was excited and on board for my design.

The design process is incredibly easy to navigate. You can upload a design or photo, add text (in many different fonts) and you can add designs to both the back and front of the t-shirt. They offer over 30 different colors of shirts, in short sleeve, long sleeve, tank top, sweatshirt, hoodies, ladies, unisex, youth . . . just about everything you can think of. And the quality of the shirts are really good. Very comfortable.

As for the actual design, I was concerned. The image I used was colorful and detailed. But it came through flawless, and didn't have that heavy feeling that you get on some shirts where the design or image kind of hangs on the shirt. I am more than pleased with the overall process.

And ooShirts.com can now say that they are helping to spread the message - Don't Drink and Drive.

Remembering Days Without Depression

2011-12-14T18:27:00.000-08:00

I noticed something today.

I was reading a friends blog where she was talking about redecorating her home. Beautiful pictures of the result of hours of hard work. Immediately I thought, "Why can't I do something like that?"

And then I realised that I do that a lot. The compare thing. Come on, you know you've done it too. The thing with depression though is that we do this a lot. We compare ourselves to others who aren't depressed because we can't understand how they are able to do normal everyday things when we aren't.

But if you've ever been depressed you already know this.

I noticed something new today.

I've functioned before.

I used to be the girl who had a need to decorate and rearrange furniture monthly. In the early years of our marriage Matt would come home from a day at work to find the entire house spotless and the furniture completely rearranged into something new and beautiful. I did this a lot.

Even in the past few years when my depression has really put down roots, I've had moments, sometimes even months when I function properly. Days where I'm filled with motivation, inspiration and energy. Days where I'm able to clean my house, be organized, laugh, and days when I'm even able to get out of my pajamas and wash my hair.

There are even blog posts to prove it.

But I don't remember them.

I remember the day, sure. I remember the result and I remember that I did in fact function without the weight of depression on my shoulders. But I don't remember what it feels like.

It's this lapse in memory that makes looking at others function properly so much harder to deal with.

Like some kind of emotional amnesia.

I can't be certain, but I wonder if others with depression go through the same thing.

I think this is where blogging works as a good personal therapy for depression. It's proof that depression doesn't keep me fully in the dark. It certainly tries, but blogging about the good times creates cracks in the darkness where a little light can shine through and remind me that at one point, I felt good.

Reminds me that I may feel broken, but I can be put back together again.

Facebook Changes

2011-12-14T13:06:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all.

So because Facebook has been making all these changes and such lately, I've been noticing less and less activity on my Facebook page from readers. Because of this (and my lack of focus in having two facebook pages) I asked you all last week what you think I should do. By a unanimous vote, I've decided to merge my Facebook pages into one.

If you're currently following my Facebook page, you'll want to click over to my main profile and add me as a friend and make sure you're subscribed to my status updates. I'll leave the other page up for a week or so to let everyone switch over, but then I'll be deleting it.

Hopefully this will help me connect better with you, my readers, because isn't that what Facebook is all about? (Other than stalking your ex, spying on your friends and watching your parents attempt to figure out the internet.)

All I Want for Christmas is an EdenFantasys Giveaway! Closed

2011-12-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

Okay so it's not the only thing I want for Christmas, and to be honest I'd like it year round.

But I'm taking some of my reserved holiday cheer to brag a bit about EdenFantasys gift guide. If you're looking for the perfect present for your significant other or even a great inappropriate gift for your friends and family to open publicly (which will embarrass them even though you know they secretly really wanted it), then look no further than my favourite Naughty Wish List at EdenFantasys.

It's no secret that I love the products at EdenFantasys. And I'm really excited about their expanding bath and body selection.Which now includes bath and shower items, skin care treatments and even makeup!

I also have a real love for their lingerie because they offer great deals for plus sized gals like myself. Their lingerie is both flattering and comfortable, and at prices that are actually reasonable for something you'll only wear for about 30 seconds (depending how fast your husband can unwrap you).

Now because it's the holidays I'm giving away a free gift to one lucky reader!

Vanilla Snow Woman Glistening Trio!

Kit comes with Vanilla snow woman glistening body wash,Vanilla snow woman glistening body mousse and Pink icicle lip gloss so you can check out the bath and body selections of EdenFantasys yourself!

So if you're hoping for some Christmas gifts to pamper yourself (or if you're looking to warm up during a wintery storm with your hubby), then leave a comment below answering the following question:

Who are you kissing underneath the mistletoe?

(if you don't have a significant other right now, you can say "chocolate cookies")

For an extra entry visit the EdenFantasys Gift Guide and tell me one thing you'd wish someone would get you for Christmas.

This giveaway will end Tuesday, December 13th at Midnight and a winner will be chosen Wednesday morning.

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Update 12/14: Congrats to the winner Amy Orvin!

This giveaway is sponsored by EdenFantasys , no monetary compensation was given. I receive a similar gift for hosting.

Happy Birthday, Mom

2011-12-09T14:42:00.001-08:00

My mother should be turning 47 today.

But instead she'll be 21 forever.

Because someone else decided to drink and drive.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

My gift to you will be to always remind the world to never drink and drive.

So other girls can celebrate their Mom's 47th birthday with them.

Seeking Owners Manual for Adult Female

2011-12-05T00:44:00.001-08:00

I feel like I should be an adult by now.

I do many adult things.

(There was a list of "adult" things that I do or have done and then I realised that a lot of those things also happened when I was a teenager so they shouldn't count. So I removed the list.)

But really, when it comes down to it I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time.

I'm twenty-seven years old. I've been married for almost eight years. I've held countless jobs, many in management, and I've accomplished a great deal in my life.

But I always manage to put myself between rocks and hard places.

There are many things I need to accomplish off of my adult to do list.

I have four wisdom teeth that need removing. Two of them have been causing me huge problems for over three years. I have put this off constantly because I use the excuse "we can't afford it". That's an excuse I use a lot. It's the go to excuse when all other excuses fail.

So what, I should get a job or something right?

Okay well here's another kicker . . . I don't drive.

My drivers license expired around five years ago (give or take) and I never renewed it. I had planned to renew it, but it just kept getting put off again and again and again. I didn't have time, I didn't have a way to get there, I forgot, and ultimately . . . I couldn't afford it.

Now I don't even know where to begin about getting a new one, which will cost a bunch more because I'll have to retake all the tests. Oh, and I still can't afford it.

Christmas is coming soon, and we don't have a tree up. We have a tree, sure, but instead of putting it and decorations up this weekend, we spent our time in our den watching a marathon of Cake Boss and then a bunch of scary movies. That's it. That's all that was accomplished.

Between paying bills, taking care of health issues, celebrating holidays (without it being last minute), and many many more things, I just don't do things. I used to be able to. Somewhere between 18 and 19 years old I was a fully functional adult. I worked fourteen hours a day at a job I hated (okay so fully functional but not quite happy), I paid all my bills, I found an apartment on my own, planned a wedding, created a savings account (and contributed to it), saw the doctor frequently, took care of dental issues right away, and I even managed to find time for holidays and family.

But somehow things are moving backwards.

A big part of depression is avoiding the things that stress you out. Like bills for instance. You avoid and avoid until they are in collection and then you avoid some more. Talking to bill collectors is stressful and living paycheck to paycheck just doesn't work into a debt reduction plan very often.

Sometimes I wish I had a manual (or instructor) that could tell me, "Okay, it's Monday and you have this much money available to you, it needs to be spent on this. You can go about doing that by taking these steps." It would also include reminders to change the oil in the car, do my taxes, put up the damn Christmas tree and somewhere in the back of the manual it would show me a prediction of what life would be like if I followed the manual properly.

(And yes, I can already see the whole manual=scriptures thought that's popping in at least four of your heads right now.)

It may be a mental illness thing. Especially all the avoidance. But I'm so tired of avoiding. It gets really exhausting and I know that things won't get better if I sit in the corner and just wish them to. But damn, that first step is hard.

Especially without an owners manual.

Love, Yourself (November Update)

2011-11-28T14:21:00.001-08:00

November of last year you started really feeling the effects of your health problems. Fatigue was the biggest one. I'm not sure yet what we're going to do about it, but I'm hoping that by the time you read this, you've figured it out for the both of us.

Unfortunately no. Between dealing with mental illness, weight problems, infertility (which means hormones y'all).. the possibilities include thyroid issues, a number of other problems or something as simple (though not really) as Winter Blues. Either way, this time of year never works well for me (other than Thanksgiving). I'm always tired, always sick, and always a whiny little baby, lol.

Thanksgiving was amazing. You worked so hard to get everything done and it turned out great. This year here's a few tips. Make two turkeys because you're going to want leftovers this year. Also, when word spreads about your amazing food, there will be more people at your table this year.

Strangely there were less people, but it didn't mean it was any less amazing! Even though all of the parents were in Colorado - (Motherly because she lives there, and the inlaws because Matt's brother moved his family there recently) - my little sister came over and brought the kiddo with her. She and Trey spent Thanksgiving with Matt and I and it turned out amazing. Also, two turkeys wasn't needed. Just one BIG ol' twenty-two pounder.

This month you weighed 251 pounds, and you were dealing with a lot of swelling. I really hope you figure out what is with the swelling you get every now and then cause seriously, our feet and hands are so achy right now. Of course that might be because we were on our feet for three days straight preparing for Thanksgiving.

Swelling remains. It's gonna be an autumn tradition I guess. But I'm still proud because I didn't gain too much over Thanksgiving. And I certainly weigh less than I did this time a year ago! As of Saturday morning, I weighed in at 236.

This is what you looked like in November 2010. One of your favourite pictures. Call Kristine and have her and Trey over so you can get another one and compare the two. It'll be good to see how you've (hopefully) shrunk, and how Trey has grown.

November 2010

November 2011

If Turkeys Could Talk

2011-11-24T05:47:00.001-08:00

I've got a 22 pounds big boy ready to go for today. 22 pounds for myself, my husband and my little sister. The in-laws drove up to Colorado to spend the holiday with Matt's brother and the grandkids, and even though we love our family and would have loved to have spent the holiday with them . . . Thanksgiving is mine.

Since I learned how to cook a bird it's been my holiday. Everyone else can keep their Christmases, Easters and Halloweens, but Thanksgiving . . . is mine.

I get very predatory about cooking when it comes to Thanksgiving. Just thinking up ways I can torture this poor bird. I'm an animal lover for sure, but I have very little sympathy for anything that's already residing in my freezer (except for the squirrel that my FIL caught on a recent hunting trip that I've yet been able to get the guts to grill.)

So I'm cooking Thanksgiving for my small family this year, but it's still mine. I'm doing up my usual bacon butter and herb stuffed turkey (in that amazing brine I used last year), colcannon, green bean casserole, homemade cranberry sauce, homemade sausage stuffing and I'm pretty sure there's at least one other thing that I'm forgetting at the moment. The only difference between this year and the last couple is that I didn't do my hot orchard apple spice pies. I went and just bought a pumpkin one from the store. Because I have enough to cook already, and I've been craving some store bought pumpkin pie.

I've had requests in the past for my recipe for my turkey, so I thought I'd try something a little different (because I've already prepped everything in the kitchen, and I'm bored now):

Jia's Bacon Herb Butter

Stuffed Turkey

"Hello! I'm Thomas the Turkey!"

1. Buy yourself a big ol' turkey, preferably one from the store unless you like killing them yourself. I usually go Butterball myself, and almost always around the 20 pound mark.

Thomas: Wait . . . what do you mean by kill?

2. Take your turkey out of the freezer about 2-3 days before the big day. You'll need around 12-18 hours for brining, so figure that into the defrost schedule. Put the turkey in a big container in your fridge to thaw, and ignore it for several days.

Thomas: *gasp* It's . . . so . . . c-c-cold in there. Thank you f-f-for rescuing me from this giant ice box. Oh, it's much warmer in here. Hey . . . where are you going? Don't close the doo-!

3. A few days later when the turkey is nice and defrosted, take it out of the fridge and give it a nice water bath.

Thomas: You left me in there for three days! Three days! Do you know how depressing it is to listen to your leftovers talk?! Hey . . . oh well, if you insist on giving me a bath and a massage.

4. Make sure to pull the bag out from the inside.

Thomas: *cough* Umm . . that's not mine. I'm . . . holding it for a friend.

5. Rinse and set aside while you make your brine (recipe in link above. I use Pioneer Woman's brine but I make a few adjustments to the amount of salt, plus I add mustard seeds and I cut the apple juice out completely.)

Thomas: Whatcha maaaaking? Smells good.

6. Take a big bucket (Matt bought one off of a sandwich shop a while back. They get them when they buy pickles in bulk and we bought ours off of them for like two bucks. Doesn't hurt to ask.) Clean the bucket, then add a large (unscented) trash bag. Put the turkey in the bag and pour the cooled brine over the top. Tie the bag, put the top on the bucket.

Thomas: *screams loudly* Nooooo! I can't swim!!! *gurgle gurgle*

7. Place bucket outside (or in your garage if it's cool enough). It needs to be kept cold, but not freezing. If it's not cold enough in your area, put ice in the brine (or around the bag inside the bucket). You can also just do up the brine in your fridge if you have enough room. Leave for 12-18 hours, or overnight.

Thomas: Please! Let me out! I'm ready to talk! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!

8. You'll make your bacon and herb butter the same day as the brine (or days ahead, doesn't matter as long as it has time to harden before the big day). Take a package of bacon and chop it into small pieces, then place into a kitchen aid mixer and three sticks of (cold) butter roughly chopped. Allow it to mix for about fifteen minutes. Scrape down the sides every so often, and by the time the fifteen minutes are up the bacon should be pulverized and mixed into the butter completely. Add in your choice of herbs. I use a little bit of rosemary, sage, savory, parsley and of course garlic. Mix together. Then scoop out the butter onto a large roll of plastic wrap and form into a log. Wrap tightly and stick in the fridge to harden.

9. Take the turkey out of the brine, rinse and lightly pat dry.

Thomas: You're a monster! Just cook me and be done with it!

10. Slice the bacon butter into small circles and slide under the skin of the turkey . . . all over. You'll have a little butter left over at the end (good for sauteing veggies for your stuffing or just anything else). I even cut slits in the legs, wings and thighs and put a good chunk of the butter underneath.

Thomas: It's like the Saw movies for Turkeys! OMG why are you doing this! Wait . . . do I smell bacon? Is . . . is that . . . Piggy? Is that you? Oh I'm gonna be sick. What did you do to my friend!?

11. Preheat oven to 325, and stick the turkey in a roasting pan. Cook for 4 1/2 hours, checking after about 2 1/2 hours to see how it looks. For the last hour or so, cover with tin foil so the skin doesn't burn.

Thomas: . . . . (Don't worry, he's totally dead at this point. I mean you froze him, drowned him and stuffed him with the remnants of other farm animals before sticking him in a foil covered inferno.)

12. Remove turkey, cover with foil again and then allow to set for about a half hour to an hour before cutting up. Use juices for making gravy (but be sure to taste as you go because between the bacon, the butter and the brine it'll already be super salty.)

Love, Yourself (November)

2011-11-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Jia,

November of last year you started really feeling the effects of your health problems. Fatigue was the biggest one. I'm not sure yet what we're going to do about it, but I'm hoping that by the time you read this, you've figured it out for the both of us.

You really started to think inwardly this month. Self esteem was big on your to do list and you wanted to make a difference. I hope you continue to do so.

Thanksgiving was amazing. You worked so hard to get everything done and it turned out great. This year here's a few tips. Make two turkeys because you're going to want leftovers this year. Also, when word spreads about your amazing food, there will be more people at your table this year.

This month you weighed 251 pounds, and you were dealing with a lot of swelling. I really hope you figure out what is with the swelling you get every now and then cause seriously, our feet and hands are so achy right now. Of course that might be because we were on our feet for three days straight preparing for Thanksgiving.

This is what you looked like in November 2010. One of your favourite pictures. Call Kristine and have her and Trey over so you can get another one and compare the two. It'll be good to see how you've (hopefully) shrunk, and how Trey has grown.

So take a picture of yourself today, November 2011 and post it tomorrow along with the progress you have made.

Love,

Yourself

Untypically in Love: What's Really Important

2011-11-19T00:00:00.000-08:00

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Thirty-Seven
What's Really Important

A plan was immediately put into motion. Audra, Chris and I were moving to Utah. Except Audra ultimately wouldn't be coming. Her family had made plans of their own, to move to Arizona and she had decided that she would be going with them. Chris and I were steady in our resolve. Even if he hadn't wanted to go, I would have begged for money for a plane ticket to get out of New Mexico.

I needed to leave it all behind me.

As much as I knew I would miss my family and friends, I knew there were only two regrets I would be leaving behind me. Matt and Josh.

Chris and I had actually asked Josh to come with us, but family and a job kept him grounded in New Mexico for the time being. It didn't matter though. I was happier than I'd been in a long time. Despite not coming with us, Josh spent more time with me during those last few weeks than in the entire year combined.

Matt on the other hand wasn't speaking to me.

I'd gone to Church one Sunday back in my old family ward so I could tell Matt in person that I was moving. The last thing I wanted was for him to hear it from someone else. When we met up face to face it was like I was looking into a strangers eyes. Something very important was missing and I didn't know what. I told him that I was moving and he mumbled something about having a safe trip and then left the room. At the time I didn't know if he was upset I was leaving, upset that I'd shown up at all, or didn't care either way.

His parents on the other hand were both saddened by my choice to move, but thrilled for me and my future in Utah.

The holidays were impacting, but came and went too fast.

Every second until Halloween was spent building the haunted house in Chris' garage. By the time the big night came, Chris, Audra and I were so hopped up on sugary donuts that we could barely pour the fake blood all over ourselves without spilling. The turnout was great and it was an artistic expression the likes of which I would never forget.

"I'm never going to get this blood out of my hair," I laughed as I sat back on the curb of Chris' driveway looking up at the stars.

"Red's a good look for you," Audra chuckled.

"I think I'm gonna dye it again. Joseph never wanted me too. He didn't want me to cut my hair either." I rolled my eyes. "I had to look normal, appropriate or something." I sighed, still enjoying my newfound weightless self.

"You going to turn into a biker chick now to rebel?" Chris asked.

"No, but the first thing I'm going to do when I get to Utah is cut and dye my hair," I declared. "Then maybe get a tattoo." We all shared a laugh and then a bag of candy.

The roommates gathered together for Thanksgiving, breaking bread over three boxes of pizza because we were all too chicken to cook a turkey. By December Audra spent less and less time with us. Tina decided it was time to move back home, having reconciled with her parents. One by one all of the roommates moved out until it was just Tara, Chris and I.

One weekend in early December I took Tara down to the apartment offices and signed the lease over to her. She and Derek were engaged to be married and I hoped that having a brand new love nest all to themselves would be a good goodbye present from me.

Having stuffed most of our belongings in Chris' tiny green car, the apartment was barren with the exception of a Charlie Brown-ish Christmas tree which was held up by the dozens of Christmas presents surrounding it. Most were the same shape, all of us having stuffed gifts into empty Pepsi boxes before wrapping with newspaper and masking tape.

Since we all had families to go home to for Christmas, we decided to have our own little holiday gathering a week early and open all of our presents together. All of the old roommates packed themselves into the small living room and began handing over the gifts. Many were joke gifts, and everything from Tina was slightly inappropriate. Gifts given by Audra were incredibly personal, and anything from Chris or I was handmade since all spare change we had was being put toward the move. Tara bought the best gifts because she had the highest paying job.

Sitting there among my friends, people who had helped carry me during my darkest hours and build me back up again, I didn't think I could be happier. I sat in the middle of the floor, opening a gift over the black spot in the carpet where I had set a pile of Joseph's pictures on fire. I ran my hand against the black mark and laughed to myself before tearing into another Pepsi packaged stuffed animal.

"Say hi to the camera!" Tina grinned, having found my old video recorder.

"Ugh, I look like crap." I threw wrapping paper at her and then was immediately distracted by Audra.

"Did you get everything you wanted?" Audra asked.

"Well there seems to be a good looking male missing." I smirked.

"Oh, you didn't invite Josh?" Tina teased.

"Funny," I rolled my eyes. "We're just friends." I insisted.

RING!

Over the commotion I couldn't hear the phone.

"Someone hand me that big red box over there.."

RING!

"This one's for Tara.."

RING!

"We should go caroling!"

"No."

RING!

"Hey," Audra held out the phone to me, and I turned to take it, expecting my aunt or sister on the other end wondering when I'd be stopping by this week to exchange gifts before they drove up to northern New Mexico to visit more family there.

"Hello?" I smiled, and waved to Tina as she focused the video camera in my face.

"Jessica?" I heard a mumbled voice on the other end.

"Yeah?" I covered my hand over my other ear. "Guys, quiet a sec. Hello?"

"Are you there?"

"Mom?" I asked, hearing Matt's mother's voice. "Hey, what's going on? We're doing our present exchange over here. Do you want me to bring your presents by later this week or wait until Christmas?"

There was a long pause.

"Hello?" I asked.

I thought I heard something, but I couldn't understand.

"Guys, shut up!" The room went silent. All eyes, and one video camera focused on me.

"Mom?" I asked again. "Are you there?"

"Sweetie . . . . there's been an accident." She said.

My heart dropped.

"What?" I whimpered softly.

"Jessi . . . Matt was in a car crash tonight."

>>> Chapter Thirty-Eight

I Believe in Magic

2011-11-18T14:47:00.000-08:00

There is something very special about me.
And I'm not the only one.

Call it magic, divine nature, or just plain quirky.
There is something inside of me that makes me special.

When I was four years old, I thought I was a cat.
I would lap milk from a dish and purr when anyone would scratch my head.

When I was five I had imaginary friends.
They were Care Bears.

When I was six I imagined that I had super powers.
Pre-Power Rangers, I gave myself the name "Lightning Unicorn".
I believed that I could listen to the voices in the rain and would pretend that I had a secret lair built into the trunk of a large tree in the playground.
My friends and I would fight an evil witch who wanted to steal our powers.

When I was seven my Grandmother had a stroke and lost her ability to speak.
Even through her incoherent mumblings, I could understand her.
I felt connected.
When I was a young teenager, I predicted the death of my aunt.
I've had visions, seen spirits and felt the presences of angels.

For a year I thought I had the ability to control the wind.
I could feel the heartbeat of the earth when I placed my bare feet in the grass.
I felt connected to nature.

All my life I've believed that wolves are my kindred spirit.
And when I met one in real life, it brought me to tears.

I loved Anne Rice and vampires before there was Twilight.
And I still loved Twilight.
For a month in high school I wore fake vampire teeth.
I believe geeks like me make life interesting.

I am superstitious and traditional.
I do believe in faeries.
And I do not mock the good people for fear of retribution.
I love four leafed clovers.
And believe that redheads are lucky.

I believe that stories can make you feel special.
Even if they come in the form of books, television shows, movies or songs.
I have the word "Chosen" tattooed on my back because Buffy the Vampire Slayer made me fee strong - at least once.
And once is enough.

I secretly prepare myself for the possibility of a zombie apocalypse.
(You should too).

I love Jedi and Vulcans and Hobbits alike.

I love the Fantastic, the Incredible, the Astonishing, the Ultimate, the Amazing.
I am a true believer.
And I'm in love with Spider-Man.

When I was fourteen I met the love of my life.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe in soul mates and kindred spirits.

I am a Whedonite, a Browncoat, a Xenite, a Twihard, a Trekkie, and a Gleek.

I played Super Mario and Donkey Kong and I love Pokemon.
I still love My Little Pony, The Last Airbender and Looney Tunes.
I sing along to Disney movies and I still dream of being a Princess.

I can cry to the tune of Reba McIntyre Country, be touched by an Eminem Rap, moved by Lady Gaga, and dance my heart out to anything on Broadway.

I can speak a few phrases of Greek.
Not because I loved the country or the language.
But because I wanted to be an amazon.

I write fanfiction and I role play.

I believe the secret to life is being silly.
And that you should never pretend that you're someone you're not.

I have a family history that can be traced through Ireland, Scotland, and Wales.
Blood lines that go through the royalty of England, France and Spain.
Heritage that traces through ancient Rome, Egypt and Scandinavia
And I believe a bit of my ancestors still lives somewhere inside of me.

I believe I am a Daughter of God, and therefore have a divine nature.
I believe in heaven.
I believe God still speaks to mankind.
I believe in spiritual gifts.
And I know that I have a few of my own.

I believe that you can't be perfect.
But you can be on a path to perfection.

The sweet, the wonderful, the divine and the powerful exist in my life.

As do the geeky, the awkward, the strange and sometimes embarrassing.

I am many things.
And I wouldn't let go of any of it.

Because call it what you will . . . it makes me who I am, which is special.

And a little bit magical.

They Can't All Be Winners

2011-11-14T21:07:00.001-08:00

I've gotten a lot of requests for more posts about the conversations between Matt and I. Which makes me think that Matt and I need to be funnier. I've been trying to provoke him into blog worthy conversations but he catches on too quickly and then starts talking about things that I would never put on my blog, so it ruins the whole post.

Anyways, this conversation took place between Matt and I tonight . . .

Me: Be right back, I'm going to go put your stupid pizza in the oven.

Matt: But I don't want a dumb pizza.

Me: Well you really don't have a choice. Your pizza was just born that way.

Matt: Can't I please have a smart pizza?

Me: I'll tell you what, I'll put a little extra cheese on your pizza and then I'll put it through college.

Matt: Yay!

Me: Community College.

Matt: Aww . . . but, can the pizza major in psychology?

Me: Liberal Arts.

Matt: Ugh.

Me: Still want the pizza?

Matt: *sigh* Yeah. I guess I'll love it no matter what.

Then there were a few inappropriately placed gay jokes which referenced sausage and pepperoni. Let's face it, even I'm a little embarrassed about this post.

Untypically in Love: Back Where We Started

2011-11-11T16:33:00.001-08:00

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Thirty-Six
Back Where We Started

I drove to my aunt's house to visit with my family, at least that was the excuse I used to drop by Josh's house, which was just where it had been four years ago - right down the street. Josh opened the door and I smiled and held up the note he'd left me.

"Miss me, huh?" I smirked.

"Well it's been a while." Josh smiled and leaned against the door frame. "What've you been up to?" He asked.

"Oh you know, work and not much else." I laughed.

"Same here." He gestured to his work shirt, stained with car oil. "Just got off actually."

"I thought I smelled engine grease." I teased, though in reality I found the scent oddly attractive on him. Four years ago he'd been the awkwardly skinny boy who kissed me on the corner between our houses. We'd been fourteen years old and incredibly naive. Now here we were, eighteen years old, adults - technically. He stood a foot taller than me and those skinny arms had gained some muscle. All this time when I was busy dealing with my personal issues, Josh had gone behind my back and grown into a man.

"What are you up to tonight?" He asked.

"Why, you wanna ask me out?" I grinned, surprised at how forward and relaxed I was being.

"Depends on what you're doing." Josh shrugged casually.

"I'm actually going to a Church thing," I said proudly. "You should come." I all but insisted.

Josh came to the activity, met my new friends and fit right back into my life like he'd never left it. He stopped by the haunted house that Chris, Audra and I had been working on and helped every now and then. Every so often I'd come home from work and find a note from him, sitting on my couch.

It seemed like we'd gone right back to where we started.

Or so I thought.

An old friend from High School came into my work one day just as I was clocking out. We smiled, hugged and began chatting up about old times. Eventually the conversation came around to what we'd been up to since High School.

"We should hang out. I'm just getting off work, do you want to do something?" I asked.

"Oh, tonight's no good," she frowned. "I'm actually going on a date, strangely with your ex-boyfriend."

"Which one?" I laughed, hoping for her sake it wasn't Riley.

"Josh." She smiled.

My heart fell into my gut.

I smiled as best I could and promised her that we'd catch up again soon, and wished her fun on her date though secretly I was praying for her to have a massive acne breakout.

How had I been so stupid? Josh and I hadn't even gone out on a real date since reconnecting and here I was, assuming already that we were an exclusive item. Somehow between fourteen and eighteen I'd forgotten how things worked.

No, Josh and I were just friends now. Friends that flirted, but friends nonetheless and I couldn't begrudge him dating anyone else. After all, hadn't that been the point of leaving Matt? So he could find someone else and be happy without me? Why couldn't I give the same thing to Josh? I'd loved them both, hurt them both and in the end didn't feel worthy of either of them.

Old feelings of inadequacy began creeping up my spine. Just when my karma couldn't seem to get any worse, I arrived home just in time for the phone to ring.

"It's for you," Tina held it out to me and I reached for the receiver. "It's Joseph," she added.

I closed my eyes and groaned. Did he have some sort of bat signal that alerted him to whenever my insecurities were high and my status was single? Against my own better judgement, I answered the phone and talked to him. He gave me the same old song and dance. The romantic words whispered just before the "we can't do this anymore". He talked about how much he missed New Mexico, and yet how beautiful Indiana was and that I should come and visit him, even going so far as to insist upon buying me a train ticket just in time for Christmas. I told him I'd have to think about it before I hung up the phone.

I knew the danger there. I'd seen it before. Heartache like I'd never before known, and after all this time and all the hard work I'd done in trying to repair the broken pieces of my life? I couldn't do it anymore. It seemed like no matter how many times I tried to rebuild myself, someone or some thing was there to knock me down and watch as I scrambled to keep myself together.

As if I couldn't handle anymore, another straw was added to the camels back and I broke in the biggest of ways.

A meeting had been scheduled at work the following day for all of the managers. Nothing too serious was on the agenda. We would go over the numbers, an upcoming health inspection, and perhaps if we were lucky we'd all get a raise. The night before the meeting, I'd received a call from another of the managers. A warning. The meeting was in fact not about numbers or the health inspection, and certainly not about a raise.

A month earlier, a rotten little sixteen year old kid walked onto my shift. He clearly expected to get a paycheck for sitting on his ass, gameboy in hand while he sent dirty dishes back to the front of the restaurant when he was supposed to be washing them. After explaining his job description to him several times, I'd been pushed to my limit and called my manager requesting permission to fire him, especially after he called me several colorful words to my face. The boy insisted I didn't need to make the call as he would not be returning, and he left my shift never to be seen again.

He was however heard from. The call of warning came to me proclaiming that the boy had called in a complaint to our district manager crying that I had made the workplace uncomfortable for him. That not only did I not properly train him, but I ignored his questions and showed favoritism to my friends. And then came the sinker. This kid lied and said that I had been having sex in the managers office with... Riley.

"What?!" I screamed over the phone, the taste of vomit creeping up the back of my throat.

"Calm down, we all know it's not true. You two weren't even dating at the time this kid worked for us," my friend tried to assure me. "Besides, you're not that kind of girl."

"You're damn right! If I was ever even in the office with Riley it was because I was training him to become a manager! I was doing my job!" I could feel my pulse thumping against my forehead. I knew I couldn't control my love life, that was fairly clear. But the one thing I knew I had control over was my job - because I was good at it! I worked hard at it!

"Everyone knows this kid is lying, but they're saying they can't ignore it. Riley's not doing well anyways, so tomorrow at the meeting he's being demoted back down to a trainer instead of a manager."

"And me?" I asked.

"You're being transferred to another store."

"I can't be transferred," I began to panic. "My car broke down last week so now the only way I get to work is if I catch a ride with Tina or if I walk. I can't walk to any of the other stores, they're too far." What was happening to me?!

"I'm sorry, I'm just telling you what I was told."

I hung up the phone and began pacing furiously. I called Chris and Audra and vented to them about the situation. Thankfully the two of them were able to calm me down. That's when I made the decision. That job had been the one to introduce me to a whole new set of mistakes I kept making. I just couldn't work there anymore.

The following morning, I'd arrived to work after the meeting had been scheduled. Uniform and managers keys in hand I approached the front counter as my boss came up and said, "You missed the meeting."

I glanced down at my uniform, placing it in front of him silently. Very quickly he realised what had happened, and without a word, he turned around and walked away. I walked out the front door, unemployed, but my own person again.

Joseph called back that night as planned. Though when I answered the phone I took control.

"Let me guess, we can't do this anymore?" I asked.

"What?" He asked, caught off guard.

"What do you expect to happen when I go up to Indiana with you? Are you going to ask me to marry you? Are we going to live happily ever after? Do you expect me to go to Church with you or are you going to respect my beliefs?" I launched an attack of questions at him, having recently tasted what real control felt like.

"Well . . . " he paused. "You'd have to come to Church with me."

I sighed and stepped out of the apartment, phone in my hand while my roommates listened and watched from the front window.

"That's not going to happen. I deserve better than whatever life you're willing to offer me. I'm tired of changing myself for everyone else." As the words left my mouth I expected them to be filled with a venomous hatred for Joseph, but they weren't. They were just the facts. I was calm, collected and I felt inspired.

"Joseph, I'm not changing my beliefs for you. I'm not changing anything for you. Not anymore." I turned around and caught Audra staring at me with a look of relief on her face the likes of which I'd never before seen. I smiled. "I'm a daughter of God and He has someone for me. I don't know who he is yet, but when I find him he will love and respect me for who I am and he'll do it for eternity. You can't offer me any of that."

"So . . . so wait, what're you saying?" Joseph mumbled.

"I wish you every love and happiness this life has to offer, Joseph. As long as it has nothing to do with me. Don't call me again."

I hung up the phone and felt a weight lifted off my shoulders so suddenly that I could have tipped over from the change. I let out a sigh of relief that came out sounding part triumphant scream and part exhausted cry. Audra rushed out the door and hugged me tight, tears in her eyes. Chris soon joined in and my other roommates stood around looking astonished.

"I can't believe she finally did it," Tina muttered, wide eyed.

"So how do you want to celebrate?" Chris laughed as he and Audra broke away from the group hug.

"Yeah, we need to do something massive!" Audra grinned.

I thought for a moment about the last year of my life. Losing Matt and Josh, being beaten down by my relationships with Joseph and Riley, not to mention work. I wanted a fresh start at life. I'd never felt more free.

"I want to move." I grinned. "Let's just pack up and move to Utah."

>>> Chapter Thirty-Seven

Costume Contest and Home Organization Notebook Giveaway Winners!

2011-11-11T10:13:00.001-08:00

Congrats to Risela, owner of Black Rose Minerals site and blog. Who won the Costume Contest! Even though I didn't offer any prizes for the winner, I've gone ahead and added your link to my Sponsors list for one month of free advertising. If you have a button or something that you would like instead, let me know!

As for the Home Organization 101 Notebook giveaway winners . . . .

Katrina and Stephanie!

Congrats! I will be emailing your copies of the Home Organization 101 Notebooks later on today. I would like to thank SweetPea Lifestyle once more for sponsoring this giveaway!

---

PS: If you haven't yet taken my blog survey, please do and help me out. Also, due to thoughts from the survey already (see, things can change if you take a moment to offer opinions) I'm going back and editing up some old chapters of Untypically in Love to include links at the bottom that will bring you to the next chapter (instead of having to go back to the index and click from there.) I've also been editing a few things to bulk up some of the chapters (and changed a few names instead of just using initials for some of the "characters".) I hope this makes it easier to read.

PPS: Expect a new chapter of Untypically in Love to post tomorrow!

This giveaway is sponsored by SweetPea Lifestyle, no monetary compensation was given. I receive a similar gift for hosting.

I Still Remember Grandma

2011-11-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the anniversary of something I don't actually want to remember.
So I guess it was partially good that I forgot.

It's been twelve years since my Grandmother died.

The last few days of her life I've chronicled in the chapters of Untypically in Love.

The Sound of a Heart Breaking.

Promises.
My Heart Will Go On.

As important to my life those specific memories are, because they truly shaped me, I don't like them. They are filled with sadness, despair and they remind me about the dark scar that was placed on my spirit the day that the most wonderful woman left this world too soon.

My Grandmother was my best friend.

She wasn't just that, she was the best person.

When my mother died, Grandma quit her job and became a stay at home mother again. After raising eight children of her own, she took on another, and not because no one else would. I could have clearly gone to any of my aunts, uncles, even my Dad. But Grandma needed me, and I needed her.

She would bake apple pies every fall. We would watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune together right before Lawrence Welk and then she'd tuck me into bed, lightly rubbing my sore legs until I fell asleep.

She had a stroke when I was seven and lost the ability to communicate. It took some time but eventually I was one of a small handful of people who could understand what she was saying.

When we moved to California, Motherly did her best to give Grandma a life of vacation and excitement. We went to amusement parks on a monthly (sometimes weekly) basis. And Vegas, oh my gosh how Grandma loved Vegas. If we had a trip to Vegas planned, she would grin and make a motion with her arm like she was pulling down the lever on a slot machine.

She loved going to shows.

She hated going on rides.

Back to the Future and white water rafting will never mean the same to our family after Grandma screamed and threw her fist into the air, cursing us for bringing her on those rides.

Universal Studios was her favourite. So many people were dressed like the actors from her day. Lucille Ball was a particular favourite, but when Clarke Gable sat down at our table and put his arm around her you would have thought she was a school girl the way that her eyes lit up.

She loved her family very much.

She loved me.

And I loved her.

I still do.

Home Organization 101 Notebook Giveaway! Closed

2011-11-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

Ashley from SweetPea Lifestyle offered me a copy of her Home Organization Notebook 101 to check out and I think it's just darling (as is her blog!).

This notebook is great, especially for beginners who just would like a pretty print out with a ready made list.

I'm a sucker for all things organizing and my own home journal consists of a makeup of many different print outs, Ashley's now included!

Because she's a total sweetheart, she's offered to let me pass along her notebook (which still has more pages to come as she continues to build it up), to two of my readers!

So if you're hooked on print outs, lists and a good start up to creating your own homemaking binder and routine, then leave a comment below answering the following question:

What's your least favorite chore?

For extra entries like/follow SweetPea Lifestyle on Facebook and Twitter and leave a separate comment telling me that you've done so. (One comment each for Liking on Facebook and Following on Twitter).

This giveaway will end this Thursday, October 10th at Midnight and a winner will be chosen Friday morning.

Untypically in Love: The Midnight Mormons

2011-11-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Thirty-Five
The Midnight Mormons

After the first few days of ignoring Matt's phone calls, he stopped trying to contact me. I was still in a funk of useless emotions that wouldn't even be classified as "emo" for at least another five to ten years, and it certainly wasn't a trendy statement that I was making. I spent most days and nights working, and once at home I retreated into a shell of myself, hoping the outside world wouldn't see what was going on deep down inside of me.
Friday nights Damian and the other guys from work would come over to my apartment where they would box in my living room, creating our own version of a fight club. Tina's older brother would go out and buy drinks and while everyone else would celebrate their youth and newly found freedom, I did the best I could to hide the fact that I secretly hated my life.

Early one Saturday morning after a night of fighting and drinking, I woke before the sun even thought about rising above the eastern New Mexico mountains. Sick to my stomach from the contents within, I leaned over the toilet bowl in my bathroom and quietly cried, doing my best not to wake my roommates. Standing up, I leaned over the sink to wash my face, glimpsing briefly in the mirror I was unable to recognize the girl looking back at me.

I'd changed personalities and lifestyles so frequently I might as well have changed my name. Very few things reminded me of the lives I'd had before this, save the memories and the constant desire to go back to the way things were. Before Riley, before Joseph. Riley was still dating Tina and it was a thorn in my side. Joseph called every other day or so to talk to me, only half of the time I took the calls. Hundreds of miles separated us and yet he still pulled my strings, making promises of love and future - neither of us able to admit to a relationship or ending one.

I walked back to my room, my stomach still queasy. As I opened my bedroom door I saw something that was unexpected. Audra sat on my bed, her nose buried in a set of scriptures. I felt many things at once - panic, guilt, anger, irritation, and ultimately sadness. How long had she been there? Was she at the party the night before? What had she seen? What did she think of me now?

I looked at her quietly as the bitterness rose up inside of me. She had regained that lost light inside of her, and my own had been smothered. I envied her like never before and it made me angry that she was there, rubbing her spirituality in my face - or so I thought. Ignoring her presence, I crawled into my bed and shoved my face into my pillow.

"Fell better?" She asked, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"No." I mumbled.

"I'm going to tell you something you're not going to like," she began. "Grow up."

I seethed.

"You're better than this. I don't know what these new friends and boyfriends have done to you, but you deserve better than this. You're a daughter of God and you're washing your divinity and integrity away like they mean nothing to you."

I felt her get up from the bed, but I didn't bother to look. My eyes were already swollen and puffy from throwing up and crying, and I just wanted the pain to go away - but she was making it so much worse. Reminding me of things I already knew but couldn't control.

"Go to Church." She said. "That's not a request."

I heard my bedroom door close and I pressed my face harder into my pillow and let out a small scream.

When I woke up later that afternoon I was the only one in the apartment. I called work and said I needed the weekend off, if only to gather my thoughts and regain my strength. Riley was being promoted to a manager so it gave our boss a chance to spend time letting him learn the ropes instead of me taking control like I normally did, and Riley was happy to take on an extra shift.

I spent the day cleaning the apartment and despite my eagerness to ignore Audra's advice, before I went to sleep that night, I set my alarm clock for the following morning, allowing for just enough time to get ready for Church.

I couldn't go back to my home ward though. Matt was there and I still couldn't face him after how I'd left things. I knew it was better this way. Leave him alone and let him move on with his life. I'd spent enough time toying with his emotions, and the last thing I wanted to do was treat him the way Joseph had treated me.

I made my way to the singles ward, which was much further away but the quiet time alone in my car was needed. As I pulled into the parking lot, I realised that I could make a fresh start. People here didn't know me. I wasn't the strange girl who showed up to Church with purple hair. I wasn't Matt's girlfriend here. I wasn't a broken mess here. I could have a clean slate. It gave me some hope as I forced myself to walk through the doors and take a seat.

People were overly welcoming, immediately noticing that I was new to the ward. It was comforting to have smiling faces welcome me with hugs, having no ulterior motive other than to make me feel at home. I made friends immediately, and even recognized a few old acquaintances. Tara had been a member of the Church her whole life and was apparently in a long term relationship with an old co-worker of mine, Derek who had recently joined the Church. Another former co-worker, Chris, was Derek's best friend and he too was a new convert. The similarities between us made me feel even more relaxed, and soon the four of us were the closest of friends. Tara even became another of my roommates, and Chris soon after plopped a mattress on my floor and called it home.

The months began to pass with ease and summer drew to an end. Tina's brother moved out, taking his girlfriend with him and Tina broke up with Riley. I spent my Sundays at Church with my friends, Monday nights with the whole ward for activities, and my Wednesdays had been reserved for the Bishop who had become a dependable counselor in helping me find my long lost light. The friday night fights stopped and Chris and I spent one day dumping all the liquor down the sink, much to Tina's dismay. In the end though it was still my apartment with my name on the lease, and to better all of our lives I immediately instituted rules, many of which drove the party friends right out the door. Things started looking up, and Joseph had even stopped calling to remind me about our past.

Instead of spending my nights partying with my co-workers and hating my life, I spent it driving to the temple with Chris and Audra, just to walk around the grounds and look at the potential future. The late night security dubbed us the "Midnight Mormons", a lovable nickname. We'd sit there some nights long enough to watch the sun come up and reflect off of the beautiful stain glass windows. Chris had become my way back. While I had temporarily dealt with a minor crush, Chris had a crush of his own that he was trying to handle so the two of us remained friends. And despite my new cluster of good influencing friendships, there was still something missing.

"I thought I'd be married by now," I confessed to them one night.

"Really? But you're only eighteen." Chris said with wide eyes.

"Oh, you should have seen her a few years ago," Audra laughed. "She's been planning her temple wedding since she joined the Church."

"Only thing missing now is the husband." I smirked.

"And who do you think that might end up being?" Chris asked, wondering if I already had someone picked out, and if he knew that someone.

"Don't know." I shrugged. "I've had a few contenders for sure."

"And by a few, she means two." Audra added.

"I've had more boyfriends than that!" I argued.

"Yeah but only two of them were ever actually good for you. Someone you could see across the altar." She pointed out.

"Fair enough," I sighed and pulled my knees to my chest. The temperature was dropping and as the September sun began to rise, the air grew colder. I stared at that temple eagerly. It had been years since I'd been inside, and I knew that somewhere within, was a beautiful room where I'd be married to my eternal companion.

Whoever he was.

One day after driving home from Church, I walked into my apartment and plopped down on the couch, eager for a nap. Tina came out of her room, slipping her work shoes on as she tied her hair back into a pony tail, readying herself for her shift that night.

"Hey, some guy stopped by for you." She told me.

"What?" I rose a brow. "Who?"

"Some tall guy. He left a note." She pointed to the end of the couch where indeed, a small note was taped. How had I missed that?

I sat up and reached for the piece of paper and suddenly, an old familiar spark ignited inside of me, almost enough to make me catch my breath.

Stopped by to see you.
Miss you.

- Josh

>>> Chapter Thirty-Six

Costume Contest Finalists!

2011-11-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

Okay so really anyone who entered became a finalist, but finalist sounds really important and submissions just makes me thing of submissive, and contestants always makes me think of The Price is Right. So finalists it is!

Strongman, Lion and Ringleader

Sam from Life as Wife.

Little Red Riding Hood and "Grandma"

Amy from So Aimlessly.

The Farmer's *Other* Daughter

Karen from A Peek at Karen's World.

Maleficent

Risela, owner of Black Rose Minerals site and blog.

Bar Matron

Amy from Amy's Adventures.

So check your favourites below!

30 Days of Gratitude

2011-11-02T20:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've heard about this, either seen it on other blogs, twitter or Facebook. I figured that it would be good for me to join in seeing that I've spent a good portion of the last few years considering myself "Pity, Party of One". Crystal Wilkerson started this challenge and is offering daily prompts to help you to be more grateful.

Even though I'm kind of ignoring the prompt, but wanted to take a moment to publicly talk about my gratitude for my husband who spent his last day off of work taking me Christmas shopping for the nieces and nephews, browsing (and shopping) for makeup, who insisted that I pamper myself with a haircut and then waited patiently instead of running off with Josh to play in a game store.

I am really blessed to have such a wonderful, doting, enabling man.

---

On an unrelated note . . .

I've been really wanting to use photography as a creative outlet. And though I'm not even close to professional, I've taken up the challenge of a Project 365, as well as the 52 Project started by my friend Pepper Scraps. Since I don't want to flood this blog with random pictures, I've started a photography blog that you can check out if you want.

Put Me On Team Codex/Fawkes. Team Cawkes!

2011-10-31T16:22:00.000-07:00

Halloween'd!If you've never watched The Guild, then go do so right now. I'm not joking. Click that link or run to Netflix or your Xbox and fill up on the awesomeness that is The Knights of Good!

Since Matt doesn't like to dress up for Halloween and I wasn't in the mood to spend two hours putting on makeup in order to stay inside, hand out candy and watch horror movies on Netflix, I opted for the next best thing.

Scratch that. I opted for the best thing ever!


Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day (Fawkes and Codex)

Earlier this year, Matt and I finally bought ourselves some Guild merch and Matt was already wearing his, which is what triggered the initial inspiration on my part.

Quotes below are from Season Four, Episode 2 "Strange Allies"

Seriously. Please watch The Guild. It's amazing.

And because I think they are amazing, don't forget to follow @wilw, @feliciaday and @theguild!

---

PS: Don't forget to enter my Halloween Costume Contest!

I'm Not a Social Butterfly - I'm a Social Media Update: Costume Contest!

2011-10-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

Hurr Hurr! (Seriously, I actually made this terrible pun Saturday night.)

Josh and I went to our Church's annual Halloween Trunk or Treat party. Unfortunately Matt and Josh's wife both had to work so we did our best to represent both of our families by handing out candy together and letting everyone at Church look at us and go, "Umm . . . that's not your spouse." And then act all confused.

When one of your best friends is also your ex? Things get complicated for everyone else sometimes. Whatever.

Josh did his own take on a modern day Assassins Creed, which I thought turned out pretty decent.

He also wore some leather things that he had made, and you can actually check out his Deviant Art page. He actually does commission work, so if anyone is interested let me know and I'll track him down for you. It shouldn't be too hard since he's in the other room playing Gears of War with Matt.

Anywho . . .

I had planned my costume WAY in advance and I thought I was super clever about it but then no one at Church got it at all. I clearly rely on the bloggosphere and my readers and followers WAY too much. Cause I'm guessing you all will get it.

I'm Twitter!

And also a bit of a nerd.

Here's a close up of the colors. I would tell you what makeup I used to create the look, but honestly it took over two hours to get it just how I wanted it and the list of things I used is so freaking long I don't even want to think about it. For the most part is was my LA Colors set. I also bought a new Hard Candy eye shadow primer which made ALL the difference.

So today is Halloween and I'm probably going to spend it watching horror flicks with Matt all night. What are you all up to?

And . . . . what are you dressed as?

In fact! I want to have a costume contest! Send pics of you in your costume to untypicallyjia@gmail.com with the subject line as, "I Totally Knew You Were Dressed as Twitter" and you'll be entered into a costume contest here on my blog and I'll pimp out your look and your blogs next week before we all get to vote on who pulled off the best look for 2011!

Love, Yourself (October Update)

2011-10-30T13:15:00.000-07:00

For those just tuning in, last year I wrote letters to myself that will automatically post on my blog each month throughout the year. It's my way of keeping up with progress and showing myself the difference an entire year can really make. Instead of obsessing on the little things, I'm looking at the big picture.

Can you believe that I'm actually doing an update for Love, Yourself in the actual month that it's supposed to be posted in?! Amazing. So earlier this month the letter I'd written myself from October 2010 posted.

And here is the difference that one year can make.

Alright, I'll be the first to admit it. October of last year started out really rough. You had huge success in overcoming agoraphobia, but you let yourself get too sucked in and overwhelmed and you had a really bad relapse. You scared your husband. You stressed yourself out way too much. Calm the hell down and learn to take baby steps please.

Wow. You know what's crazy? The difference a year can make! My relapse last year was all about my agoraphobia, which is pretty much conquered now for the time being. I still have OCD, I still have depression and anxiety but in comparison to what it was like at this point last year, I'm just amazed at how totally blessed I am right now with the progress that I've made. If anyone who is reading this is currently suffering from any form of mental illness, please check out that relapse post above and please know that it can and does get better!

Your nephew Trey was born, and you were there. And it was amazing. Which reminds me, have you gotten the kid something for his birthday? Cause you always wait til the last minute. Also, your niece Leah shares Trey's birthday, so make sure to pick up something for her too. Be the good aunt.

We celebrated Trey's birthday a few weeks ago and I just love that kid to pieces. It's possible that my sister may be moving sometime in the near future, and I will miss them both tons. But with all the technology that's available I really should start using it to keep in touch with these kiddos.

This month you weighed 250 pounds, and you started exercising a little. It wasn't much but you were making huge strides. You started walking twice a week with Ashley. You even power walked a whole mile with her and then went two miles on an eliptical machine! Then you went to the gym by yourself! That was huge!

Guess what? It's been almost a year since I've seen that number! 250 is long gone. I weighed in last Wednesday over at Letters to Jia, and I'm down to 233! 17 pounds lost this year! 17 pounds I never have to look at again! I'm psyched. I am also looking forward to exercising again now that things are settling here after the move.

October 2011

A little spunky

Untypically in Love: I'd Forgotten

2011-10-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Thirty-Four
I'd Forgotten

I was fairly proud of myself. Within a month of turning eighteen and becoming an official adult I'd already secured an apartment of my very own, repaired the broken friendship between Matt and I and successfully gotten over Riley breaking up with me with only one slightly large emotional outburst later at work the same day which ended with me sitting in the back of the restaurant between the shelves where we kept the sauces for the chicken nuggets.
That one day changed so much, but mostly my perspective. I'd started out thinking I knew who my friends were and weren't, and when it came to people I could rely on, I'd put them all in the wrong categories. Stephanie of course had her own life, Riley had clearly made his point on where we stood, and in the end like it seemingly always had been and always would be, it was Matt and Josh who were there for me.

I'd wanted to thank them both by spending more time with them, but over the course of a few weeks so much would keep me busy that I honestly didn't seem to have the time. Between work, car troubles, dealing with Stephanie moving and the ever constant presence of my ex at work I felt like my life was overflowing with things that needed to be handled. It was of course then that Tina, a friend from work approached me to tell me that she was pregnant and her mother had kicked her out of the house.

I'd lived in my own apartment for less than two weeks before I let Tina take the second bedroom for herself, and just like that I had a roommate. A week later Tina's older brother and his fiance came into town with no place to call their own, and soon they found themselves sharing that second bedroom with Tina and we had a full house - or so I thought. Over the following months I would have a total of ten people living with me, at one point eight at a time. My apartment became the place you could go for sanctuary if the rest of the world turned you out. A place where you could get a couch to sleep on in an emergency, where there was always Pepsi in the fridge and something happening. I became the den mother to a band of misfits who were just as screwed up as I was.

And naturally, off to the side as a constant form of support, was Matt.

Still recovering from my breakup with Riley - and ultimately the disaster of emotions that was my relationship with Joseph - Matt asked me out on a date.

Nervous for the first time in a long while when it came to Matt, I began preparing for the Friday night by getting ready and asking him to meet me at my work where I needed to stop by and check on a few things first as we were preparing for our yearly inspection.

"I don't like this," Damian told me as I filtered through my purse, searching for my keys.

I rolled my eyes at his over protection, recalling Stephanie's last week before she left for college where she instructed her boyfriend to take care of me and make sure I stayed out of trouble. Dating an ex boyfriend seemed like trouble so he was already on the defensive, despite not knowing one real thing about Matt other than the fact that Stephanie didn't like him.

"Well you don't have to like this but I'm still going," I declared, side stepping out of the way as Riley clocked out for his break and sat down next to Damian to add his own opinions on my love life.

"Didn't you two break up for a reason?" Riley snickered.

"Can you both just back off?" I snapped. "And you really don't have any place to tell me a damn thing about who it is that I date." I said, glaring at him.

Staying friends with Riley was a necessary evil. Stephanie begged us to before she left, not to mention he was Damian's best friend and had already started dating one of my roommates, and therefore was at my apartment nearly every night. It was easier just to hide my anger and pretend that nothing had happened between us.

Neither Riley or Damian stopped pestering me about the date and others even joined in on the fun. By the time Matt showed up in his old rusty Suburban he had around ten to fifteen people I worked with betting against him. I however, still had hope.

Awkwardly meeting my friends, Matt was surprisingly kind despite their scowls and snide remarks though I was thoroughly embarrassed. We'd decided to take my car instead of his big truck seeing that I needed to stop and get gas anyway and didn't know if a station would be open by the time we'd return - just one more thing that Damian and Riley felt the need to comment on.

"He's not even driving? Is he at least going to pay for your meal?" They scoffed behind my back and seethed.

We approached my tiny yellow car and I smiled as Matt came to my side and opened my door for me. I breathed a small sigh, having forgotten what it felt like to have chivalry extended to me - despite the overly protective men inside who were still tossing around jokes at our expense regarding traditions, expectations and the fact that I was the one driving.

"I'm sorry about them," I frowned as we drove away from my work.

"Don't worry about it." Matt smiled. "I'm not taking them out."

A smile crept across my face. He was being surprisingly mature about this.

"Though I'm not sure why you're friends with those idiots." He added.

And there it was.

Soon we put everyone else out of our minds as Matt directed me where to go. I pulled into the parking lot of a newly opened cajun style steakhouse near the mall, somewhere I'd never been before because the prices were out of my league. Matt seemed not to be bothered by money though as he held the door of the restaurant open for me, and insisted that I get whatever I wanted.

We sat there eating and talking as though very little time had passed between the moment our relationship had ended and the moment we were now sharing. The restaurant was romantically lit and was playing something that sounded like Sinatra in the background. I strangely felt like a real grown up on a real grown up kind of date, though reminded of the days what seemed so long ago when Matt's Mom would drop us off at the movie theatre and then drive us to get ice cream afterward.

We caught up on one another's lives, though I kept much of my own to myself insisting that all I did was work and go home, nothing more. Matt talked about his family, how his parents were doing, that they missed me. He told me that he had his own class at Church now, a group of eleven year olds underfoot each Sunday, looking to him as their teacher. Not only that, but he was now preparing to go on a mission soon. I was in shock and awe. Had he really grown up this much without me?

Matt paid the bill and soon we found ourselves on route to the local family fun center where we played miniature golf, rode the bumper boats and raced the go karts. By the time he let me win the race, I'd let go of all the stress of work, friends, and roommates. The wounds caused by Joseph and Riley were beginning to heal, but the scars were still there.

We drove to a local bookstore and sat down in big comfy chairs beside one another, relaxing. I closed my eyes and for a split second I thought that I could easily spend the rest of my life, doing this, with him. My eyes opened when his fingers brushed against the skin of my wrist and without any pause, me took my hand into his own.

I'd forgotten.

Forgotten the way it felt when someone took your hand in public, without worrying who might be watching. Forgotten the way it felt when someone was touching you without wishing it was someone else. I'd forgotten the feel of his skin, the smell of his cologne and the way that I relaxed when his thumb brushed against the back of my hand as if to remind me that when he held my hand, it wasn't just a typical thing to do, it was something he was actively participating in. Reminding me that even if he wasn't looking at me, talking to me, he was still there.

When our date was over, I returned him to his vehicle, thankful that everyone else at my work had gone home for the night. We sat in the parking lot, neither of us eager to go home and end this strangely peaceful existence.

"Come over tomorrow night. I want to see you again." He insisted.

Strangely hesitant, I agreed.

When I went into work Sunday morning, I was filled with the typical euphoria one has after a seemingly perfect date the night before. I was happier, kinder, and oddly more efficient without a burden of stress and anger on my shoulders. Soon I started counting down the hours left of my shift before I could go home and get ready to see Matt again.

"Well it's good to hear from you, son!" I heard my manager in the office on the phone as I clocked out for break and headed back toward the breakroom to enjoy a moment of silence before the lunch rush started.

"She's right here," he said and then tapped me on the shoulder. "Joseph's on the phone."

I stopped in my tracks as my heart sunk into my stomach. I didn't want to talk to him, but out of habit when someone hands you a phone, you just seem to take it.

"Hello?" I said as I brought the phone to my ear.

"Hi." Joseph said on the other end.

"How's Indiana?" I asked, almost a reminder to myself that he had moved and I had moved on.

"It's good." He paused. "I miss you."

I'd forgotten.

Forgotten the way it made me sick when he played with my emotions. Forgotten how his words would leave me an emotional mess regardless of what was happening in my own life. Forgotten the way he could remind me of every up and down I'd gone through over the last year of my life. Remind me that while Matt had been off becoming a teacher at Church and preparing for his mission, I'd spent my year with Joseph . . . wasting away inside, destroying what little of myself was left.

"I heard you dated Riley." Joseph said.

I'd forgotten.

Forgotten that the mess Joseph left behind was picked up by Riley who took whatever good was left in me, and dried it up. Left me alone and feeling worthless.

"I . . . I have to go." I said and quickly hung up the phone.

I didn't stay for the lunch rush. Riley was scheduled to come in and I couldn't handle dealing with a phone call from Joseph in the morning, seeing Riley in the afternoon and have dinner with Matt in the evening. I told my manager I wasn't feeling well, and he sent me home early.

By the time I'd gotten ready for dinner and arrived at Matt's house, I still hadn't recovered. Instead of the romantic night I'd spent with Matt the evening before, I let the mistakes of the last year with Joseph and Riley play over and over in my head until I was sick with myself.

Matt's Mom let me inside and told me Matt was waiting in the other room. When I stepped down the hallway I tried to brush off the bad feelings that the day had left on me, but the scars were still there. When I walked into the other room, I looked down and a blanket had been laid out on the floor with dinner prepared. Matt had gone out of his way to cook for me.

He greeted me with a smile and sat down with me as we ate, telling me the details of what happened that morning at Church, and every so often mentioning how much fun he'd had with me the night before. It felt like salt in the wound and every time he said something kind to me, it was like someone was pouring lemon juice into the cut.

I went quiet, my mind clearly preoccupied.

"I miss you." Matt said softly.

"I miss you too." I admitted.

Then suddenly, Matt leaned in to kiss me like he had done countless times in previous years. Only now, instead of eagerly returning his affection, I felt a sharp pain deep inside, tearing open those scars and reminding me that I was screwed up and that he deserved better than me - at least the me that I was right then.

"I . . . can't," I uttered in a panic before scooting away and standing up. "I'm sorry. I can't do this." The room was spinning and I could feel my heart pulsing in my throat, which only made it harder to breathe. "I'm so sorry." And then, just like that . . . I left.

I'd forgotten.

Forgotten how painful it was to leave him.

>>> Chapter Thirty-Five

Freddy vs Jason vs Mr Chuckles

2011-10-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

I've had a long term fear of Freddy Krueger.

Similar to my long term fear of Jason, IT and E.T. (yes, E.T.). Fears that are to my core and originated in my childhood because my older sister was mean and thought that just because I had to tag along didn't mean that she couldn't watch whatever movies she wanted.

My phobia of the paranormal and it's traumatizing effects remain intact.

Halloween is coming up and since the Saw movies have had their finale, Matt and I are probably going to be looking for a new scary movie to dive into to celebrate this most sacred of scary holidays. Thinking of new scary movies actually reminded me of one of the scariest Halloweens ever.

I was about seven or eight years old and only months earlier my Grandmother had a stroke following heart surgery. Everyone was already on edge, and despite not understanding what had really happened, the tension was palpable even to a child.

A few days before Halloween, my Grandmother and aunt had already gone to bed for the night and my sister was given the charge of keeping an eye on me since I had begged to stay up and watch movies with her. Undeterred by the fact that I was at least ten years shy of the approval rating of the movie, she slipped a Nightmare on Elm Street VHS into the VCR and watched as I cringed, cried and crumpled into my blankie, too afraid to stay awake and finish the movie, and much too afraid to fall asleep lest Freddy slash me to bits and pieces.

Close to the end of the film, we heard an earth shattering scream come from the back of the house.

Grandma!

The scream was so loud it brought both of us to our feet and my aunt Debbie rushing up the stairs. We funneled into the doorway of Grandma's bedroom, each of us fearing the worst. That's when we saw her, curled up on her bed in her satin, purple mu-mu, with her legs pulled up to her chest, screaming and crying at the same time.

"What's wrong?!" Debbie shouted as she moved to take charge.

Grandma pointed toward her bathroom, the shimmer of a nightlight creeping out of the cracked door.

I hid behind my sister, fearing that we'd all fallen asleep and Freddy had made his way into our dreams and he was going to kill us all, right there in my Grandmother's bedroom, and possibly clean his knife like hands on blankie, which was tightly clutched in my hand.

We did not see Freddy. No.

The culprit of terror was Mr. Chuckles.

My recently escaped hamster.

We all burst into laughter, except Grandma of course who proceeded to take her frustration out on the three of us, waving her hands in the air and yelling, mostly at me for not keeping the cage properly locked. It was a good laugh, and worth the punishment I received.

It was almost as funny as the time when my rabbit, Bunnicula escaped and burrowed his way into Grandma's mattress a year later.

Update: Obviously that's not a picture of my actual hamster. I don't even think cameras were that good back then. When I found the picture I was like, "OMG how cute! It'll totally make my point that my Grandma was just being weird about being scared of the hamster." But seriously, that hamster looks like he's plotting something. Or possible having a seizure. Either way, suuuuper creepy.

Update x2: My hamster's name wasn't actually Mr. Chuckles. It was like Amy or something really generic and stupid for a rodent. I wasn't very creative as a child.

Update x3: Except I did have imaginary Care Bear friends and once used a sock to make a sand stuffed Thanksgiving turkey. Screw it, I was totally creative and not at all sad and lonely.

Update x4: Hamsters are actually really big assholes. One of mine ended up murdering the other. How's that for a Halloween story?

Left Behind

2011-10-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

When my mother died, I was passed through my family, being raised by an aunt or Grandmother or cousin at any given time. Growing up it meant that I had many parents. It meant that I was constantly surrounded by aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins, and even second and third cousins. I can actually name every one of my cousins, most second and third cousins, and even a great portion of their spouses and children.

When I lived in Utah, family gatherings were large and often. As a child I remember frequent slumber parties with my cousins where we would eat donuts for breakfast, model our clothes, play in the sandbox, ride bikes and stay up until midnight watching movies. Holidays were a big deal. Birthdays were a big deal. And when tragedy struck, everyone came to support one another.

When I moved to California with Motherly, not much changed. We visited often, and because we lived in a vacation state, people came to visit us often as well. Not only that but every summer I was shipped back to my home state to visit both my mother and father's sides of the family.

When we lived in Northern New Mexico where the rest of Motherly's children reside, I was finishing up Jr High. Family still got together for holidays and it was rare to go a month without seeing someone you were related to. For Christmas we would draw names from a bowl and then get together to exchange presents.

Even the first year Matt and I were married and living back in Utah, family was a constant. Though his family still remained in New Mexico, we returned for Christmas to visit. I spoke with my aunts daily. My cousins weekly. My sisters even more often.

But things have changed. And for the first time in a while I'm reminded that I'm the odd one out. While I'm apart of my family, I don't belong. Facebook, texting and all other technologies should make the distance shorter, but it doesn't.

One of my cousins got married earlier this month. I was sad that I couldn't go, but being unable to attend weddings and events out of state has become the norm for me. I sent best wishes and congrats over Facebook. Then last night, pictures of the big day were finally posted online. I clicked through with a smile on my face, happy to see my family gathered together celebrating a beautiful union.

And then suddenly I realised something . . .

I wasn't there.

And I haven't been there for a very long time.

Somewhere between childhood and adulthood I lost the special relationships with my cousins that I once had. With the exception of needing my help for something, whether it be to watch their house while they vacation, help take care of them when they are sick or help to watch their kids when they are going through trials . . . I don't visit. Most of that is my fault of course - I can never afford to go. And while being so very close with Matt's family has helped, there's still a large portion of my heart that is missing something important to me. Something that used to be there.

Connections.

Relationships.

Being remembered.

A lot of my struggle with identity growing up had to do with my parents. My father is very much a black sheep in the family and my mother is dead. My only siblings are sisters that are actually cousins that I was raised with (only one of which ever answers my calls), and two half brothers who've only seen me a handful of times.

I've had to create my own family to fill the voids. My in-laws, my husband, what few friends I have here in town, the friends I've grown up with online and of course, my beautiful blogging community. It helps, but there are moments that sneak up where it's just not enough sometimes. Where all I want is a family who I see and speak with frequently. Where phone calls don't start with, "So what have you been up to in the last six months or so," where I'm not the last to know everything because truthfully, only one or two people still keep in contact with me, and visits that don't include the phrase, "Wow, you look so different" because it's just been THAT long since anyone has seen me.

It's hard being the one that's missing from the big group shot.

---

Alright, enough with my pity party.

How do YOU stay close to your family when you live far away?

Skittles Are My Anti Drug

2011-10-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

On my Facebook status the other day I said something along the lines of "having friend withdrawals. Need to "hang out" soon." And of course I put quotes around hang out because since my three best friends all live in different states, hanging out would consist of chatting online. Steph took it in a different direction, which is only one of the reasons I love her.

Email Between Steph and I:

Steph: Typing "hang out" in quotation marks makes me feel like I'm inviting you to either a shady drug deal or a one night stand. Which would you prefer?

Jia: Can't it be both? And lets involve a hooker somehow.

Steph: The hooker can double as the get-away driver in case the deal goes bad / you're secretly wearing a wire.

Jia: Why would you assume that I would wear the wire? I think the wire would get caught up in my cleavage. You couldn't hear anything. And the hooker can't be the driver. She dies. The hooker always dies. Or is that the stripper?

Steph: But wouldn't it provide optimal drama if the hooker died while in the driver's seat?! Maybe she's the one wearing the wire.

Jia: If shes wearing a wire she won't even make it to the car. Wait... Have we even decided what kind of drug deal we're making? I think it should be something humorously legal, like skittles.

Source: weheartit.com via April on Pinterest

Steph: Yo I love skittles. I think it should be a lucrative operation selling only the red and green skittles. Cause those two are the best.

Jia: Red and green make me think of Christmas tho. Do you really want to kill a hooker on Christmas? What would Santa say!? Unless she's dressed up like in one of those slutty Christmas costumes. Then she kinda deserves it. Though that's more something a stripper would wear. Wait . . . . is the stripper still there?

Steph: Santa would understand because the hooker jacked his sleigh for a get-away ride. The stripper is probably holding the holiday skittles. Although I dunno where. . . and suddenly they seem less lucrative. We clearly should write anti-drug commercials.

Jia: Hookers, strippers and skittles in a sleigh? If you ask me that's an advertisement campaign for drugs. Then again they all die. Wait, where does the one night stand part come in? Unless Nathan Fillion is naked inside Santa's sack. That . . . . came out . . . . . wrong.

Steph: I think this is where our holiday story ends. That was the tree-topper right there.

This Is Because of My Mental Illness

2011-10-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

October is Depression Awareness Month.

Seeing that I have mental illness (or am mentally ill?) if I didn't post about this at least once this month I think it would be some form of denial, and then I'd be thrown out of the mental illness club. Or at the very least I'd have my mental illness super powers restricted.

But since I've devoted a lot of past blog posts to the serious nature of depression, I thought I'd liven things up a little with some humor, because honestly depression is really depressing and I'd much rather sing and laugh if I have the ability to.

Pinterest

This Is Because of My Mental Illness

(sung to the tune of "These Are a Few of my Favorite Things")

Staying inside because outside is scary
Not trusting strangers because I am wary
Washing my hands to avoid a sickness
This is because of my mental illness

Sitting in darkness lacking motivation
Depression makes me need a nice big vacation
Headache from lack of sleep and neck stiffness
This is because of my mental illness

Anxiety, depression and OCD

Makes me repeat words so I can live safely
Makes me repeat words so I can live safely
Makes me repeat words so I can live safely

On a bad day
Panic Attack
If I'm feeling sad
I remember that I've got one Xanax left
And then I don't feel so bad

Shaking your hand is just not sanitary

It might make me sick or allergic to dairy

It doesn't make sense, I know it's a sickness

This is because of my mental illness

Don't say "Just be happy" it's really annoying

Just be content that I've not begun my destroying

Of all your lucky joy and happiness

This is because of my mental illness

On a bad day
Panic Attack
If I'm feeling sad
I remember that I've got one Xanax left
And then I don't feel so bad

Love, Yourself (October)

2011-10-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Jia,

Alright, I'll be the first to admit it. October of last year started out really rough. You had huge success in overcoming agoraphobia, but you let yourself get too sucked in and overwhelmed and you had a really bad relapse. You scared your husband. You stressed yourself out way too much. Calm the hell down and learn to take baby steps please.

You were beginning to fall into a darkness again . . .

But then something happened to bring you out of it.

Life.

Your nephew Trey was born, and you were there. And it was amazing. Which reminds me, have you gotten the kid something for his birthday? Cause you always wait til the last minute. Also, your niece Leah shares Trey's birthday, so make sure to pick up something for her too. Be the good aunt.

This month you weighed 250 pounds, and you started exercising a little. It wasn't much but you were making huge strides. You started walking twice a week with Ashley. You even power walked a whole mile with her and then went two miles on an eliptical machine! Then you went to the gym by yourself! That was huge!

You didn't take any pictures of yourself in October 2010. Which was really sad because you learned how to properly wear purple and blue eye shadow and you looked really hot on Halloween.

So take a picture of yourself today, October 2011 and post it tomorrow along with the progress you have made.

Love,

Yourself

Purple People Eater

2011-10-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

This week's Never Too Much Sparkle theme was Purple People Eater / Monster Mash in honor of Halloween coming up. I've had a stash of purple shadows that I've been dying to mess with so I chose Purple People Eater.

Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had the one long horn, one big eye
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"

It looks like a purple eater to me

It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater

One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
A one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me

Eyes -

LA Colors Metallic "Tease" (Yellow)
True Color "Accents" (Astral)
Isadora Eye Shadow Pallete "52 Millenium Star" (Purple)
Wet n Wild "I'm Feeling Retro" (Violet)
Wet n Wild "Cool as a Cucumber" (Purple)
Jordana Metal Rocks Eye Liner (Purple Prism)
Jane Iredale Eye Liner (White)
Love My Eyes Black Mascara

Lips -

Jordana Lip Out Loud 106 Gloss

Face -

Wet n Wild Cover All Stick 801
CoverGirl TruBlend 430 (Shimmering Sands)

Guest Post: The Only Thing I Confidently Remember From US History Is Mr. Feeny

2011-10-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

I have three best friends that I've had in my life since I was like thirteen. These girls have known my longer than my husband, and we've all literally grown up together. Between the four of us there has been two weddings, three college graduations, and three - soon to be four - children. Oh, and we've never met face to face. Nope, we four friends have all known each other through online only! My readers have already met two of them in previous guest posts, but the third has finally made her way to my blog.

Steph doesn't have a blog of her own because she says she'd just ramble on and on about any and everything. So instead of a blog, she just emails me. Seriously, I keep all my emails from friends and family and I had to make a separate folder specifically for her because her emails overflow my inbox. After her last email though, I decided to make her a feature on my blog from time to time.

This is the email I got the other night, that had me laughing my ass off, word for word:

--------

~ driving in the car behind someone with a Delaware license plate which said "the first state" ~

Steph: . . . Was Delaware really the first state? I feel like it wasn't.

Boyfriend: Yeah, 'cause it was the first state to sign the Declaration of Independence.

Steph: Oh. Really?

Boyfriend: Yeah. 'Cause John Hancock wrote it and he was a representative for Delaware, so he was the first person to sign it.

Steph: *mildly impressed for a second* Wow, really?

Boyfriend: *clearly impressed with himself too* Yeah. *keeps talking about John Hancock*

(ed note: according to wikipedia, the only state John Hancock ever represented was Massachusetts as a governor, although he was apparently the first person to sign the Declaration of Independence. Still no idea where Delaware's role in this comes in)

Steph: . . . . Wait. I think you're thinking of Thomas Jefferson. He wrote the Declaration of Independence.

Boyfriend: *indignantly* No. Thomas Jefferson was an inventor.

Steph: . . . ! Thomas Jefferson was a president!

Boyfriend: He was an inventor too! He made like 1400 inventions!

Steph: WTF? That's Ben Franklin.

Boyfriend: NO. It's Thomas Jefferson. Ben Franklin made like one invention. . .

Steph: WHAT?! *having flashbacks to learning about Ben Franklin and the printing press in third grade, and regular middle/high school field trips to the BEN FRANKLIN MUSEUM in Philadelphia 45 minutes from where we live*

Boyfriend: I think he's even called like the Father of Inventions!

Steph: THAT'S BEN FRANKLIN! Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence!

Boyfriend: Thomas Jefferson made 1400 inventions! I watched a whole show about it! I want to say he invented the light bulb, but I feel like that was Ben Franklin.

Steph: -_____-

~ later on after doing a google search ~

Steph: Ben Franklin is the Father of Inventions. Thomas Jefferson apparently did some agricultural inventing on the side, but he WAS the one who wrote the Declaration of Independence, not John Hancock. Like I said.

Boyfriend: Maybe he made 1400 agricultural inventions!

Steph: When the fuck would he have time to be inventing all this shit while he was off being president and writing declarations and fighting the British?! He was way too busy for that to be plausible.

Boyfriend: He did it.

Steph: THAT WAS FUCKING BEN FRANKLIN!

Boyfriend: *changing the subject, completely in denial* Thomas Jefferson was the one from Delaware then.

Steph: . . . No.

Boyfriend: No?

Steph: No. Like West Virginia or something.

(ed note: Just Virginia. But I was closer than Delaware!)

Boyfriend: SOMEONE WAS FROM DELAWARE!

(no one, who was a part of our conversation at least, had anything to do with Delaware.)

Steph: Did you ever see that movie where Mr. Feeny is John Adams?

Boyfriend: ???

Steph: OMG It was so awesome! John Adams became my favorite president. Only when portrayed by Mr. Feeny in a silly wig though.

In retrospect, I think the movie also had Thomas Jefferson slacking on writing the Declaration of Independence 'cause he was having tons of daytime sex which scandalized Mr. Feeny-Adams, which I think only further proves my point that Jefferson was way too busy to be doing Franklin levels of invention. Plus, people really didn't live that long back then. He only had so much time to work with.

--------

Ah, that's the good stuff I get on a daily basis. All she gets from me is random updates on which chapter of A Song of Ice and Fire I'm on. So because Steph and I know more about European/African/Asian history than we do about US History, we need your help. The first person who can tell us what the hell Delaware has to do with any of this will get a button to put on your blog that says, "I know more about Delaware than at least three people".

Think Pink!

2011-10-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

I don't think I know a woman alive who isn't aware that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I know I sure remembered. I've had my own little scares in the past with cysts and let's face it, no matter what kind of lump you feel in your breast, it causes immediate panic. I know people personally who have lost dear friends and family members to breast cancer, and I know of others who've survived it. Either way, it's cancer and cancer just changes everything.

So I'm all about supporting the cause. Supporting the research. Supporting the fighters!

I have two amazing links to share that are helping to spread the word, donate to the cause and give away some pretty cool prizes in the process this month. The first is EdenFantasys who is having a Show Your Ta-tas Some Love contest where you create a video talking about why it's important to support breast cancer awareness. The prizes are pretty awesome and even if you don't enter, I highly recommend this company who is helping to spread the word.

The second link is a project I came across during my recent makeup digs. The Team Pink Eye Project is offering amazing giveaways this month with just massive amounts of amazing prizes and your entry into the contest is to donate to the cause to Team Pink Eye at the Positively Pink site and enter as many or as few giveaways as you'd like.

Yesterday I decided to create my own "Pink Eye" look to participate in spreading the word this month.

Eyes -

LA Colors Metallic "Tease" (Pink)
Sally Girl Eye Shadow (Cream)
Sally Girl Eye Shadow (Rose)
Rimmel Special Eyes Eyeliner (Hurricane Grey)
Love My Eyes Black Mascara

Lips -

Jordana Lip Out Loud 110 Gloss

Face -

Wet n Wild Cover All Stick 801
CoverGirl TruBlend 430 (Shimmering Sands)

They Grow Up So Fast

2011-10-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

It seems like only yesterday I was taking photos of the baby shower held for my baby sister while I rubbed her belly and told her it was creepy anytime the kid moved inside. It seems like only yesterday I got the text that said, "Water broke!" and I rushed to the hospital to be by her side, taking only a moment to myself to get the essentials done, like updating my blog.

But then it happened. My baby sister brought a life into the world.

And I was there for the nitty gritty of it all.

A year ago today, the sweetest little trouble maker came into the world with an attitude.

And a year later, not much has changed.

Kristine on the other hand has changed dramatically.

From the silly little girl I grew up with, to the most amazing mother.

I'm glad I've been around to see these two in action.

And I'm so happy that a year ago, Trey came into our crazy ass family.

Happy Birthday short round. Auntie loves your squishy little face.

Ch-Ch-Cherry Bomb!

2011-10-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

I mentioned recently how I've developed a small addiction to makeup and that it's actually helping me with my depression. I feel better about myself now than I have in a very long time, and all it took was a little eye shadow.

A part of my new addiction means that my blog now reflects that part of me and I will start to showcase my favourite looks, favourite palettes and even some reviews of my favourite brands. It also means that I went a little beauty blogger crazy and started following some of the best makeup blogs that you can find. One beauty blogger is my absolute favourite and she actually lives in the same city as me!

Makeup Zombie is absolutely amazing, and she recently created a Facebook group that is "A community for those who love any and everything about makeup, beauty, nail polish, and fashion. This group is open to bloggers, youtubers, company owners, and beauty lovers! A place to come together as one and talk about makeup, post makeup looks, post pictures and blog links, and anything else that may interest the fellow sparkle lovers."

Never Too Much Sparkle.

Every week she has a theme challenge where you take inspiration and create a look around it. For this very first week, the theme was Punk Rock.

Despite the argument Matt and I had about the true definition of Punk Rock, I decided to dig into some Runaways awesomeness and try to put my own spin on a little Joan Jett / Cherie Currie love.

My Ch-Ch-Cherry Bomb Look:

I went simple with a dark eye because that's really the focus of makeup when it came to the Runaways. They weren't supposed to be glamorous. Since I can't pull of black hair or the short looks, I did a backflipped curl on either side of my face to properly honor the 1970's. If my hair was feathered it would stand out a bit more.

Eyes -

Isadora Eye Shadow Pallete "52 Millenium Star" (white and dark violet)
True Color "Accents" (Astral)
Rimmel Special Eyes Eyeliner (Hurricane Grey)
Love My Eyes Black Mascara
Wet n Wild Fantasy Makers "Wild Thing" (black)

Lips -

Perfectly Clear Lipgloss

Face -

Wet n Wild Cover All Stick 801
CoverGirl TruBlend 430 (Shimmering Sands)

Love, Yourself (September Update)

2011-10-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

For those just tuning in, last year I wrote letters to myself that will automatically post on my blog each month throughout the year. It's my way of keeping up with progress and showing myself the difference an entire year can really make. Instead of obsessing on the little things, I'm looking at the big picture.

It's been a few months since I've done an update for Love, Yourself. I have my reasons of course and they mostly had to do with my dealing with depression and the medication problems that I was experiencing while trying to fix it. But I'm back, I'm loving myself again, and even though I'm a few weeks late on this update, I'm posting an update to my September Love, Yourself letter.

And here is the difference that one year can make.

In September you started trying to see yourself through someone elses eyes. Working on building your self esteem became important. It's still important.

You went to Kristine's baby shower and you had so much fun being out and around other people. You and Kristine got really close during her pregnancy. Don't let that relationship go away. It's very important for you to stay connected to family.

I am so happy that I've reconnected with my sister. After spending two weeks together in Colorado, we've really become friends again. Not only that, but with my most recent move, I now live just blocks away from her! I can literally walk to her house in just a few minutes. I haven't done that yet however, because the daunting task of unpacking constantly lingers. But soon I plan to spend as much time with my sister and nephew as possible!

Things were looking up...

But then Sookie died, and it took something out of you. Things started to get worse. Stop blaming yourself for things you can't fix. You can't prevent every death. Loved ones will die. You need to learn how to properly grieve.

I can't believe it's been a year since I lost my little Sookie. It still hurts, but I've learned to really appreciate the pets I do have. Unfortunately, with the new move, we have to find a new home for Whiskey. Letting her go brings up some painful memories, but I'm grateful to have had these beautiful dogs in my life, and I know that Whiskey will find a better home where she can get the attention she deserves.

This month you weighed 253 pounds, and you started comparing yourself to others. Only compare yourself to yourself. Everyone is different. Also, keep in mind that you have a man who finds you unbearably gorgeous. That seriously has to count for something.

Wow. 253. I'd almost forgotten that number. I haven't seen the 250's in almost a year and it thrills me! I'm no where near to my goal weight and that's okay! It's a process! Plus, in the last few months I have had a lot of feedback from family and friends telling me how good I look and how much weight I've clearly lost. And I have lost weight. I've lost pounds and inches. As of September I sat at a decent 239.

September 2010 - September 2011

How to Move House in a Week

2011-10-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

(Insert cliche statement about how it's been a while since my last blog post.)

If you only follow me on my blog, then you probably have no idea that I've recently moved. This is due to the fact that for some reason, when we decided that we were going to move, I said, "Sure, pack up the computer first." I'm still not sure why I did that. But I did, and can I just say thank goodness for the Twitter app on my phone?

But we're all moved out of our apartment now. No more horrible stair cases, no more psychopathic neighbor children, no more rude management. Of course those aren't the reasons we moved - especially so suddenly - no, those are just a few of the perks.

About a month ago Matt's brother found out that he got a new job out of state. The timetable was crazy and we all learned that he would be packing up and moving he and his family to Colorado, (conveniently about only an hour away from Motherly), and they would be moving by the first week of October.

Matt's family is very close. Matt's brother lived less than five minutes away from the parents and saw them on a very frequent basis. We were the odd ones who lived on the other side of the city and only came home once a month for dinner. Matt's parents only ever had the two boys, so the grandchildren became especially important when they entered the family. Taking them away was going to be hard on everyone - including us. After a long talk, Matt and I approached his parents and asked if they would like us to move in. Matt's mother was elated to have one of two sons close again, and Matt's father seemed happy that he wouldn't be the one cleaning the pool anymore.

It's not the first time we've lived with Matt's parents. We've done this several times in fact. It's a comfortable feeling for me, considering I was raised in a multi-generation home by Grandparents, aunts, uncles and extended family. In my family when someone is in need, others step up. In the past it's always been others stepping up to help us, but this time it's very mutually beneficial considering Matt and I are really wanting to concentrate on getting out of debt and focusing our finances on our health and starting a family.

So that's where I've been lately. Packing up and moving out. Clearing through clutter and giving away about a third of our things on Craigslist. Seriously. It's the easiest way to move. Just set clutter out on your porch, post "Free Stuff" on Craigslist, shut the door and when you open it again POOF! Clutter is gone and burdoning another home.

We got everything done in just over a week, turned in the keys and started setting up our new home within a home here, in the same old house that Matt grew up in. The same old living room we'd snuggle in while watching tv during our teen years, the same old bedroom we lived in during our fourth and fifth year of marriage, and the same old window Matt's Mom caught me crawling out of when I was fifteen.

Unfortunately our bedroom is stacked with boxes, bins, laundry baskets and crates. Seriously, this is only one of the corners of our room right now.

I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Thankfully I have my computer set up and will have some time to ~~procrastinate unpacking~~ catch up on blogging again.

Love, Yourself (September)

2011-09-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Jia,

In September you started trying to see yourself through someone elses eyes. Working on building your self esteem became important. It's still important.

You went to Kristine's baby shower and you had so much fun being out and around other people. You and Kristine got really close during her pregnancy. Don't let that relationship go away. It's very important for you to stay connected to family.

Things were looking up...

But then Sookie died, and it took something out of you. Things started to get worse. Stop blaming yourself for things you can't fix. You can't prevent every death. Loved ones will die. You need to learn how to properly grieve.

This month you weighed 253 pounds, and you started comparing yourself to others. Only compare yourself to yourself. Everyone is different. Also, keep in mind that you have a man who finds you unbearably gorgeous. That seriously has to count for something.

This is what you looked like in September 2010. I know that you think you look super fat in this picture, but I also know that you love this picture. It's the first pic in over six years of you and your sister. And your hair (aside from the roots) looks amazing.

So take a picture of yourself today, September 2011 and post it tomorrow along with the progress you have made.

Love,

Yourself

Unsilenced

2011-09-20T03:30:00.000-07:00

Rape.

It can happen to anyone.

It did happen to me.

And I survived!

Scars remain.

Something was taken from me that I can never get back.

But I will not let those scars be for nothing.

They will serve a purpose.

I can use my story to help others.

I spoke out!

I am not a victim.

I am a survivor.

And you are too.

----

Hi, Welcome to My Blog

2011-09-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

With all the guest posts I've had recently I've noticed a lot of new readers lately and in case they stop by and go, "Why the hell do I care that this chick went to Colorado last month?", I'd like to point y'all in a different direction and let you know what my blog is all about.

Me.

Yeah, I know, it's kind of obvious.

I'm not a niche blog. I'm not even a blog. I'm a person who writes a blog.

I'm getting distracted.

Point:

See a smaller version of this image on the sidebar?

If you click it you'll be taken to a page that tells you everything you need to know about me, Untypically Jia. Because yes, this is a personal blog, because everything here is very personal to me (even the stupid crap).

In the guide you can see where my mental illness story really began. You can see how infertility has impacted my life. You can find out details of my hope to rebuild self esteem (both for myself and my fellow bloggers). And I've even included my most popular posts (which will either make you laugh or totally offend you).

I also wanted to say to all the newcomers, welcome! You are now my friends.

It's a burden that you'll never live down.

Colorado Recap (Part 4) Makeup and Big Metal Chickens

2011-09-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

One thing I was determined to do while in Colorado was to take better care of myself. I wanted to get back to taking my vitamins everyday, drinking more water, and start doing my hair, wearing makeup and whatnot.

I used to be real good about things like that back in high school - I loved getting all gussied up just to later on prove that I'm still just as awkward and unladylike as possible.

But at least I looked good being strange.

And I still do.

I told my sister, "You need to reteach me how to do my makeup."

"Are you kidding me?" She answered. "I barely put mascara on, you're the one who was always good at makeup and hair stuff."

I was?

Pretty soon she'd be telling me that I've had a big ass my whole life.

She did.

And then proved it with pictures.

Whatever. Baby got back. Or something.

I did keep my promise to myself, and brought along my big ass makeup box to keep at it every day. Unfortunately I also developed a bit of an addiction and spent WAY too much time and money at Walgreens picking up the latest Wet N Wild Color Icon eyeshadow palettes.

With my new bold red hair I decided that I loved color and I wasn't going to shy away from it anymore. Big ass be damned, my face was gonna get attention - and the good kind.

Purple and Blue Shadow, Shimmer Lipgloss

Green and Gold Shadow

I got daring and let my hair down (literally) and wore black eyeliner for the first time ever.


And then with support from Twitter and my sister, I got bold and gave myself bangs

And with every new look, every new morning I felt better.

And feeling better about myself made it easier to deal with going off my medication.

I remembered how good I felt when I'd lost 16 pounds. And I remembered how it was easier to deal with my depression and my OCD when I felt good about myself.

So as with weight loss, eyeshadow, lipgloss and a curling iron will be pieces to my new prescription of living furiously happy.

And speaking of living furiously happy . . .

My sister and I came across this piece of awesomeness while out shopping.

I had been reading Kristine older blog posts from The Bloggess, so when I screamed, "They have big metal chickens here!" she knew exactly why I was so damn excited.

Kristine: Oh jeez.

Me: It's like I've found buried treasure!

Kristine: But instead it's a metal chicken.

Me: Take my picture with the chicken!

Kristine: Are you seriously thinking of buying that?

Me: His name is Henry.

Kristine: Oh jeez . . . It has a broken beak.

Me: It just makes him special. And if I don't buy him, who else will? Will the next person understand his specialness?

Kristine: How are you going to get that on the plane.

Me: Oh.

Kristine: We're not going to be the people who bring a metal chicken as our carry on.

Me: But we could easily be those people.

Kristine: How much is it?

And there was where the line was drawn. I'd only carried so much money with me to Colorado, and I'd spent most of it on eye shadows. I had to say goodbye to Henry with hopes that someone else appreciated him as much as I did in those few moments we had together.

I sent the picture to Matt and he texted back:

Matt: That is awesome. I seriously hope you bought it.

Me: I didn't have enough money.

Matt: It's okay baby, we'll get you a big metal chicken someday.

Colorado Recap (Part 3) - Sisterly Bonding

2011-09-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

Once the parents left for their cruise, Kristine, the baby and I settled into our own routine. We'd get up, take care of the dogs, take care of the baby, and pick an event for the day which either consisted of eating out, shopping, or me taking a nap. Then we'd have dinner, water Motherly's insane amount of plants and watch tv until we fell asleep.

It was a good time. Relaxing. And it gave us a chance to get to know one another again.

Kristine and I haven't always been close. I was the baby of the family when I lived in Utah, with only my older sister (who's ten years older than me) to deal with. So when I moved in with Motherly and suddenly I had a baby sister to contend with (and puberty) well . . . things weren't always easy. A great deal of my memories of our teen years together consisted of her being a royal pain in my ass. But we were sisters, that's how sisters work.

But looking through old pictures and videos I forgot the good times. The times when we would make up dances to Ace of Base in our backyard. The times when we'd sit together on Christmas mornings and open our presents, tossing wrapping paper at each other. The time when she buried me in the sand at the beach (boobs and all). And the time that we both accidentally got drunk at a Christmas party and spent the night dancing with an electronic Santa.

Kristine: We used to be best friends.

Me: Yeah, I guess we were.

Kristine: I looked up to you so much. I wanted to be just like you.

Me: I'm an asshole, aren't I?

High school of course made it harder. We'd just lost Grandma and we had different social groups. By the time she became a sophomore I was already done with school, in a long term relationship with Matt, and working full time. It was hard to find time to spend together.

Time was one thing we weren't lacking during the trip though. And I'm glad for that. I got to know my sister again. I got to see what an amazing mother she is. And just like old times, we got to watch girly movies together, do our makeup and hair together, and act like complete morons.

Colorado Recap (Part 2) - And Then We Gave an Ape a Lap Dance

2011-09-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still recapping my trip to Colorado. I was there for 2 weeks, and I actually did stuff for at least three of the fourteen days I was gone, so there's some blog posts in there somewhere.

The day after we landed in Colorado the folks woke us up with the news that we were going to the Zoo! Which is always awesome to here at first because um . . . yay . . . penguins and shit! Everyone loves the zoo! Scratch that. Everyone loves the idea of going to the zoo. Like me. I LOVE the idea of going to the zoo. I love animals and taking pictures and being outside. Until I remember that I'm a pale ass Irish redhead and it's the middle of August.

I did get some good pictures though. Which will pretty much sum up this entire post.

Family - happy and not yet sunburned.

Super excited to see the animals.

Motherly Monkey

Alright, this one deserves a story I suppose.

So when Kristine and I were little, the folks took us to the local zoo up in Utah. We teased Motherly because one of us caught her scratching her armpit and she looked like a monkey. It's a moment in history that she will never live down.

I made her do this pose anytime we stopped by anything that said "monkey" or "ape".

She returned the kindness by screaming "Snake!" when she saw a metal art sculpture of a snake outside the reptile exhibit. I screamed and ran half a block away, the family laughed, yada-yada-karma-blah-blah.

Grandma and Grandpa showing Trey the monkeys

Trey is almost as tall as a penguin

Kristine and I aren't even half as tall as a polar bear

My favourite picture of the day.

None of us could turn down giving an ape a lap dance

Not even me

We returned home burnt, exhausted and irritable. Seriously, by the end of the trip the baby was passed out and the rest of us were wondering why we were even there. Kristine and I could have easily gone off on our own, but me keeping pace with the rest of them was just not happening. We darted for the parking lot, forgetting that it was ninety something degrees outside and we were in a black car and didn't think to park in the shade.

Kristine, the baby and I were stuffed into the back seat and we were immediately reminded of the road trips we took growing up. Only this time no one was screaming, "She's touching me!"

---

Part 3 - Coming Soon

UPrinting Giveaway Closed

2011-09-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

I'm actually pretty picky when it comes to advertising on my blog.

I only advertise for things I have or will use myself, so when UPrinting offered to host a giveaway for my readers I was totally on top of that. Cause seriously, who wouldn't want 250 flyers with their blog posted all over it? Sure business cards are all the rage these days (and UPrinting can set you up there too) but I think nothing says "Party Over Here" like a big flashy (and free) flyer.

There are a lot of printing companies online. But UPrinting offers many services such as flyer printing, greeting cards, window clings and tons of ways you can increase business and blog traffic. Don't forget to check out their club flyers.

How You Can Use Your Flyers:

Host an AA Meeting with Pizazz!
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Have the Coolest Garage Sale on the Block!
or something normal like promoting a business or hosting an event.
And More!

I personally would use flyers just to say, "I'm flashier than a business card but not as inconvenient as a poster."

But that's just me.

Giveaway Information

What You Could Win:

250pcs. Flyers for one winner

4.25" x 5.5", 4" x 6"

14pt Cardstock Gloss, Front Only Printing

nightclub flyer templates and business flyer templates also available for download

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To Enter:

Leave a comment below letting me know what you would use your flyers for.

For extra entries like/follow UPrinting on Facebook and Twitter and leave a separate comment telling me that you've done so. (One comment each for Liking on Facebook and Following on Twitter).

This giveaway will end September 21st at Midnight and a winner will be chosen Thursday morning.

***Limited to *US residents 18 years old and above only.

---

Congrats to Stephanie!

This giveaway is sponsored by UPrinting, no monetary compensation was given and I will receive a party flyer for hosting. For more information about flyers, please visit Uprinting.com.

Colorado Recap (Part 1) - I Hate Flying

2011-09-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

This post really is just for posterity sake I suppose. Either that, or when I get old and lose my memory and say, "What the hell was I doing in August of 2011?" I can look online and go, "Oh that's right, I went to Colorado." But then again, who knows if the internet will still exist when I'm old. We'll probably have computers installed in our brains so I'll already know all of this stuff anyways.

That's if I survive the great Zombie Apocolypse of 2021.

Basically what I'm saying is that you can just ignore this post.

Unless you're super passionate about Colorado.

Or you're secretly stalking me and you want to compare notes.

Anyway . . .

Unfortunately the TSA agents could have cared less about feeling me up. They didn't even grab at my sister. I am pretty sure we were mistaken for a lesbian couple though. One of the people checking us in said, "Are you together?" And we said yes, because we were flying together. They looked at the baby and smiled and said, "Well good for you." Except I'm pretty sure they didn't say that. But they said something similar and neither of us realised it until hours later.

We got to the airport about two hours early. Because ~~my sister says I'm a nut job~~ I'm organized. Unfortunately we also had a ten month old with us - something I did not factor into my plans of getting to the airport on time. So we had to try and keep the baby occupied by walking everywhere and getting some lunch to kill time. And we killed time. We killed so much time that we heard, "Last call, boarding for Denver, Colorado," and we both yelled multiple curses as we ran for the plane.

We were the last on the flight but thankfully it wasn't full so we got decent seats in the back where a very kind flight attendant managed to ignore us the entire time until she came by with a garbage bag for the trash and said, "Can I get you anything else?" I replied, "Yes, you could take our drink orders like you should have done forty minutes ago." And she smiled and took them. Southwest, I think your hiring process needs to be a little heftier. Cause if that plane went down and we were trapped on an island - that chick would have been the first to be eaten. Clearly she wouldn't be good for anything else. Except bait.

Luckily Kristine and I were the only ones who were pissy on the plane. The baby was pretty much perfect.

He even crashed out the last fifteen minutes or so which was odd because the turbulence was insane!

Just one more thing to remind me that I wasn't going to have sex for at least two weeks.

---

Part 2 - Coming Soon
(you don't need to read that one either)

My Decision to Go Off Anti-Depressants

2011-09-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Image via Pinterest

I decided to go off my anti-depressants.

Does that come as a shock to you? You're not the only one. Before I made this decision I weighed it in my own mind, did a great deal of medical research and of course I asked the opinions of friends and family members. Some of those friends were friends in my online community and a common perception from the online world was that I was doing better. My blog posts seemed positive, clearly something was working.

But it wasn't. It really wasn't.

It took a lot for me to consider going on anti-depressants to begin with. I had to go through a major mental breakdown and an entire year of self exploration before I felt ready. And to be completely honest, I didn't feel ready even then. Not really. I was doing well. I had lost 16 pounds and was feeling good about myself. I was making new friends, going to the gym and trying my damnedest to conquer my ever growing pile of laundry. (Seriously, how do two people create such a massive collection of dirty clothes?)

But during this great time of upward motion in life, I had a pit stop of emotional backtracking that had to do with my Dad. That pit stop caused me to admit that, yes, I needed therapy. And I sought it out - while at the same time seeking out medication for my depression. I honestly didn't think that the therapy would help on it's own. But it did. And for a while I thought, "Wow, these pills are good!" But never once did I ask, "Is it the pills? Or the therapy? Or a combination?"

After months of side effects, dosage adjustments and medication switches I did start asking myself those questions. I noticed that things had changed and I didn't like the changes. I had gained back a lot of the weight I had so proudly lost. I had cut myself off from friends, family and Church because of side effects which included insomnia, stomach issues, and tremors.

The only days I felt good were the days I went to therapy.

And I stopped blogging about the bad days. Because I felt like since I was on medication, if something wasn't working, then I was obviously doing something wrong. After all, wasn't medication the last stop of this mental illness journey?

The bad days got worse and soon I realised that the medication was working, but not in the way that I wanted.

I felt emotionally numb.

People call anti-depressants "happy pills" but they do that ignorantly. Anti-depressants don't make you happy. They help regulate brain chemicals that can help you deal with depression on a scientific level. And they don't work for everyone. It also can take some time to find the right medication for you.

Anti-depressants also cause a large number of side effects and while some people can take one medication and have no side effects and feel great, others (like me) can go through a number of medications, dosages and time and deal with a fistful of side effects and then some. In the end, I decided that the side effects weren't worth it. That perhaps I prematurely jumped to medication instead of giving therapy time.

That's not to say I don't believe some people (and maybe even myself in the future) need medication to live and function normally. But now does not feel like the time to me.

So I decided to go off the medication.

I tapered off of the pills very, very slowly as no one should EVER stop anti-depressants cold turkey or against doctor's orders. It's a personal decision that needs to be made with medical consultation and a great deal of thought (and even prayer).

I've been off the medication now for almost three weeks, and I'm feeling good.

(Though I may have developed an unhealthy addiction to makeup recently.)

And I'm telling you all this now because I need my readers to know my barefoot and honest self. And I could never forgive myself if someone ever said, "Jia's doing just fine, what's wrong with me?" Because heaven knows I've said shit like that about myself when comparing to other people.

And it's because of other bloggers that I got through the worst year of my life. It's because of bloggers that I new medication and therapy were real, solid options. It's because of bloggers that I know I have those options in my future, should I ever need them again. And it's because of bloggers that I know life is not perfect, the grass isn't always greener, but sometimes . . . it can be so wonderful.

I still have mental illness. I am still depressed. I still have obsessive compulsive disorder.

Medication didn't fix me. And that's okay for right now. Because right now, I'm doing good.

Can You Keep a Secret?

2011-09-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'm back!

Actually I've been back for a whole week but that week was spent sleeping, getting reacquainted with my life and trying to figure out the best "come back" blog post for you all to read.

I couldn't decide what to write about.

Should I write a giant ass summation of what I did during my summer vacation? Should I write about the things I learned? Should I post pictures of how frickin' cute my nephew is? Should I post the recipe for Motherly's famous semi-homemade salsa?

These things kept me up at night.

(Only not really - seriously, I slept a lot this week.)

And then something amazing happened today that reminded me how much I missed Matt while I was gone.

And I realised that maybe you missed his humorous antics as well.

---

Conversation between Matt and I about fifteen minutes ago:

Matt: *approaches me whispering* Hey . . . when Whiskey comes back over here, you should stick this sticker on her nose and see what she does.

Me: Okay. You do realise that you're whispering, right?

Matt: Yeah.

Me: And you're whispering because you want me to pull a secret prank on the basset hound, and you don't want her to know about it. You don't want the dog to know what you're saying . . . so you're whispering it to me.

Matt: *sigh*

Me: Cause you know, if you said your plan really loud, Whiskey would be all, "WTF man, I totally heard that!"

Matt: Yes. I whispered. Because I wanted to keep a secret from the dog. Yep. I seriously have no argument for this. I actually just did that.

Me: I really, really missed these kind of moments.

She can't hear very well anyway.

Guest Blogger : To Be Horny Teenagers Again

2011-09-06T00:00:00.000-07:00


Samantha from My Life as Wife

The other night Kris and I were lying in bed just enjoying the peace-and-quite. The little man
had just went to sleep after being a crank-ass all day. (I swear, I love him but geeze when he
doesn't nap I want to shoot myself.)
Suddenly, I started giggling hysterically and was instantly shushed by the hubby.

"Be quite, you're going to wake him up!" Kris threatened.

Still, the giggles kept coming.

"What is so damn funny?" he asked me.

"We're. So. Tired. We. Don't. Even. Want. To. Have. Sex." I spit out in between gasps of air.

Now, we are by no means nymphos but I will say that we have had a healthy sex life especially
back in the good-old-days.

We spent the next 10 minutes talking about our wilder memories from way-back-when. (For
the record people, we are only 23 and although we are not as creative as we used to be;
sometimes, you have to pick a nap over hankie pankie when you have a 6-month-old.)

The story we couldn't quit talking about? A summer trip to Boston where we snuck into the yard
because the vacation home was tiny and packed with relatives.

Next thing I knew, we were dragging a blanket outside, cussing and laughing whenever we
banged into something in the dark, trying not to wake up the baby.

"This is not as glamourous as I remember..." I grumbled while swatting at mosquitoes.

"Maybe if we fold the quilt in half for more padding?" he suggested.

Something kept stabbing me and not in the way I was hoping to be stabbed.

"Kris hang on a second," I said. "There's a stick or something..."

I pushed at the stick AND. IT. PUSHED. BACK.

"Honey wake up!" Kris was shaking me.

I had fallen asleep in the middle of our conversation and was dreaming. The "poking" I was
feeling? The damn dogs were stretched out in the middle of the bed.

To be horny teenagers again...

---

Samantha is the author of Life As Wife. She has a degree in Print Journalism and Political Science. Engaged in high school and married in college, Life As Wife follows Samantha's nontraditional journey and documents her job as a writer, wife and new mom.

Guest Blogger : Depression

2011-09-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

By Christina from Shiny Object Syndrome

I have always been a bitch. I used to enjoy the title and I used to be the one that got things done, whether it was in a nice way or the not so nice way. When I got into high school, I realized that this attitude was a problem and it wasn’t one that I could control on my own. Many people go through issues that have to deal with anger, depression, and anxiety. I was reacting to my problems with just being mean. Maybe those “Mean Girls” just need come counseling like I had.

My Sophomore year of high school is when I started my first set of anger management. I loved going every other week. I was able to get a lot off my chest and seemed to do okay. I didn’t even need medication at this point, just someone to vent to. However, this ended abruptly a year later when I saw him at the vet’s office and he acted as though he didn’t know me. I know there is confidentiality – but, I said ‘hi’ first and that should have opened it that it was okay. Some how I just couldn’t handle the guy I had been spilling to for over a year not acknowledging me. I know they have lots of clients, but come on.

I decided to stop bothering with counseling for another two years. I thought it was pointless and figured I can be happy on my own. I was bound and determined to do it on my own. But, you know what? Sometimes you just can’t do it on your own no matter how hard you try.
My freshman year of college breezed by. Okay, breezed isn’t exactly the right word. It was stressful, it was hard, college opened up a different world. I made it through without anyone’s help and that last until middle of my sophomore year of college. I had a one night stand. I got pregnant. I miscarried. Even though I know God knew what he was doing and telling me if I continue to be dangerous with my decisions there are consequences. I still was sad. I had college to finish, but what about that baby.

I went back to counseling. But, still they didn’t think anything was bad enough for any type of medication. Which was fine by me… I am terrible at taking pills every day. This set of counseling lasted about three months. Usually, when the summer comes around I feel better and I ditched.

I was fine (relative term here) again until spring semester of my senior year of college. I was tired all of the time. I mean I was sleeping 16-18 hours a day. I was skipping class. I was skipping meals (all I was hungry for was oreos and I was eating them by the package). I was calling into work. There was a major problem. I was depressed. I was put on Wellbutrin.

I started sleeping normal 6-8 hours, I was eating again, and I felt better. I didn’t have any side effects from the drug – thank goodness. I hear that I am a lucky one. I had an amazing psychiatrist. Life was perfect. And so after four months (summer was back), I decided I was done with the meds. Well, that was until I had student teaching in the fall which was stressful and life was back down by November I was having outbursts of anger, crying, and wanting to sleep – but, I couldn’t.

For the following three years, I was on medication from October to March. This is what worked for me. Turns out that I most likely have a Seasonal Depression. Which, I find strange because I love snow. I love winter. But, that has nothing to do with it. The insides are on a different level.

For the last two years I haven’t been on anything. I have a boyfriend that listens to me and deals with my anger. I have a baby that always smiles back any time I need a pick me up. But, sometimes I still think that I am a bitch. Especially when Ricky and I fight about things that really don’t mean anything. I have been thinking about help lately. At least before the winter comes if it is already getting bad now. Then again, I keep wondering if money weren’t a problem for us – would I be so stressed and angry all the time?

Depression is hard. Anger is hard. You cry over nothing inconsolably. You get angry over a penny and you know you shouldn’t be, but you still are. I’ve been there. Life is a journey that is worth living and if you need a little help, get it. That is my only advice for now, but I am always there to help anyone who needs it. I also believe that I still have remnants of post partum depression, but this post is long enough.

---

Stellar Stina blogs usually about poop catchers, brain farts, and the boob tube. You can read her daily tragedies and reviews at Shiny Object Syndrome.

Guest Blogger : He Holds the Key to My Cart

2011-09-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

By Danica The Library Ninja

We speed-walked under the huge fans at the entrance, tummies grumbling, brain-gears grating against one another, nails on a chalkboard.

"Do you think we need a ca--" I begin to weakly mutter, but my husband is already past the pyramid display of neon cereal boxes. I catch up to him at the discount reams of cheese.

"Ok honey. We definitely need milk, toilet paper, toothpaste, batteries and dish soap. Then whatever you want for dinner tonight. What are you thinking? I know. Don't look at me like that. I'm hungry too. Yes, you're probably more hungry than I am. So lets hurry. Come on."

The promise of food fails to motivate either of us, though we entered with such hopes and dreams. In true American fashion we wanted the food in our bellies 15 minutes ago. Probably too much of it, too. We deserve it. We've been slaving over YouTube videos and Twitter and gossiping all day. I've had nothing but Diet Coke for 5 HOURS. This must be what the Holocaust was like. (This is what happens when a history teacher can't get a grip.)

Thank goodness that "survival of the fittest" thing is so 800 years ago. We'd have been voted off the island for sure. That's how they did it, right?

"A LOAF OF BREAD!" he exclaims, caressing a loaf.

"What?"

"A loaf. Of bread."
... "You want a loaf of bread for dinner?"

"Yes. No." (lowers head, trudges on.) The Deli section looks promising. I find a refrigerated stand as he is drawn to the meats.

"Oooooooooooh salsa! Chips and salsa. My favorite. Lets do this. I can snack on this all week." I'm loading up my arms with the largest tub as he walks over. "Babe. They have rotisserie chickens for $6.--"

"Ohmyword is that SUSHI?!" "Babe! A cheese ball and crackers!" "2 for 1 Coke on sale!" "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh I justwannaeat!"

Aisle after aisle. Shelf after shelf. We alternately sprint and funeral march along the boxes and jars, fighting the passionate excitement and disinterest with each new product. We abandon the Wheat Thins with the stacks of pasta sauce in favor of some Mac n Cheese. Sorry Wheat Thins. It's nothing personal. I mean, it's the Cheesiest.

The one-aisle stand with the Mac n Cheese ended with a frozen pizza/wings combo on sale. So that's where I left him. Cold and alone, far from his own kind. Well. Karma is a bitch, because soon my full, tired arms were freezing against the pizza box and I was no closer to filling my aching stomach. My husband was quickly becoming a grizzly bear, arms full of food he can't eat, weakened by walking the cold grocery store aisles.

"Ok," the adult voice in my head said to me, "It's time. Go check out now. This is ridiculous."

We dumped our treasures onto the conveyor belt with glee. I swiped my card without looking at the total. I knew I wouldn't like it. We skipped to the car (ok. I skipped to the car), and soon we were hauling the load onto the kitchen counter. I surveyed our bounty with equal parts horror and delight.

Family-size Frozen Pizza and Wings
Frozen Cheese Bread
Chips and Salsa
Mountain Dew
Diet Coke
Microwave Popcorn
Margarita Mix
Snack Pack Vanilla Swirl Pudding
Tube of Cookie Dough
Plastic Straws
String Cheese
Chocolate Frozen Yogurt
Chips Ahoy
Milk

Now. Math isn't easy. But how many of those items were on my original list?

Scroll up if you have to. Good. One. One item. And how many irresponsible spending decisions? Oh. All of them, you say? Correct. Ugh. Correct.

Marriage means you get to become the happiest, most embarrassing version of yourself. I'll take it!

---

The Library Ninja is a marriage expert, after doing it for three weeks straight. She drinks too much caffeine and quotes The Office with precision. Check her at Library Ninja, Teach Me to Quote in the Ways of The Office, and Twitter via @Danica_Holdaway.

Guest Blogger : Lists

2011-09-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

By Jaime from Just Jaime Jeez

So hi. I'm here to babysit you and make you feel special and cared for as a reader. I'm Jaime.

I have a couple lists for you to read. They are as follows:

Worst Day Ever Gone Decent

You shit your pants, but everyone else did too! Wait.....
You shit your pants, but lightning strikes your front yard! Wait....
You shit your pants, but you're in the middle of a Lord of the Rings marathon and this is a testament to your devotion! Win!!

(Apparently, I can think of noting worse than shitting your pants, but seriously, can you?)

Fat Kid Moments

When someone finds your stash of candy. And chocolate. And the good crackers. And soda. And...
When you realize you accidentally ate your kid's helping of dinner. How was I supposed to know he'd want it?
When you eat the cake even though it has clearly been half-eaten by the dog. So what? The other side was untouched. This is just smart.
When you don't have enough hands so you shove it all in your mouth. And then reload. And now it's a process.

Nicknames I Call my Kid

JigglyPuff
Squirtle
Nugget
Hombre
Muffin
Croissant
Pie
Poptart
(basically any pastry)
Gargamel
Heathen
White Devil
Whitey
The Darkness
Charzaar
Duck
Monkey
Koopa
Latchkey Kid
SpongeBob EliPants
Guppy
James Earl Jones

Have a good day!

---

Housewife and mommy of one schweet babay. He is a Goofy Goober. Jaime likes to eat and make things and laugh as much as possible. She doesn't know how to spend a day without using a Sharpie. She thinks B-rate movies are pretty much best. BEST. And she doesn't really like Halle Berry or the way she walks, but she does like bubble-gum flavored mouthwash. She does the blog thing at Just Jaime Jeez and/or you can (blindly) follow her on Twitter @jaime_weilacher

Untypically Jia

Untypically in Love: Jackpot

Sh*t People Say

Love, Yourself - January Update

Elicious Cookbook Giveaway!

Happy Birthday @AmzngSpiderMatt!

Love, Yourself - January

Getting Real with Mental Illness

Untypically in Love: Welcome to Utah

Metaphors and Sleeping Pills

2011 in 12 Words

Untypically in Love: One Last Kiss

Resolutions and Other Lies I Tell Myself

Love, Yourself - A Year in Perspective

Thanks 2011!

Untypically in Love: One to Go

Happy Day to You and Yours

Untypical Christmas Traditions

Christmas Without Children

UPrinting Postcard Giveaway

Love, Yourself (December Update)

Love, Yourself (December)

Untypically in Love: The Hardest Part of Love . . .

ooShirts.com Helps Me Spread the Message - Don't Drink and Drive

Remembering Days Without Depression

Facebook Changes

All I Want for Christmas is an EdenFantasys Giveaway! *Closed*

Happy Birthday, Mom

Seeking Owners Manual for Adult Female

Love, Yourself (November Update)

If Turkeys Could Talk

Love, Yourself (November)

Untypically in Love: What's Really Important

I Believe in Magic

They Can't All Be Winners

Untypically in Love: Back Where We Started

Costume Contest and Home Organization Notebook Giveaway Winners!

I Still Remember Grandma

Home Organization 101 Notebook Giveaway! *Closed*

Untypically in Love: The Midnight Mormons

Costume Contest Finalists!

30 Days of Gratitude

Put Me On Team Codex/Fawkes. Team Cawkes!

I'm Not a Social Butterfly - I'm a Social Media Update: Costume Contest!

Love, Yourself (October Update)

Untypically in Love: I'd Forgotten

Freddy vs Jason vs Mr Chuckles

Left Behind

Skittles Are My Anti Drug

This Is Because of My Mental Illness

Love, Yourself (October)

Purple People Eater

Guest Post: The Only Thing I Confidently Remember From US History Is Mr. Feeny

Think Pink!

They Grow Up So Fast

Ch-Ch-Cherry Bomb!

Love, Yourself (September Update)

How to Move House in a Week

Love, Yourself (September)

Unsilenced

Hi, Welcome to My Blog

Colorado Recap (Part 4) Makeup and Big Metal Chickens

Colorado Recap (Part 3) - Sisterly Bonding

Colorado Recap (Part 2) - And Then We Gave an Ape a Lap Dance

UPrinting Giveaway *Closed*

Colorado Recap (Part 1) - I Hate Flying

My Decision to Go Off Anti-Depressants

Can You Keep a Secret?

Guest Blogger : To Be Horny Teenagers Again

Guest Blogger : Depression

Guest Blogger : He Holds the Key to My Cart

Guest Blogger : Lists

All I Want for Christmas is an EdenFantasys Giveaway! Closed

Home Organization 101 Notebook Giveaway! Closed

UPrinting Giveaway Closed