Sunday, April 6, 2014

Depression Rears It's Ugly Head

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I haven't been able to write much lately.

I feel like I haven't been able to do much lately.

This whole year so far consists of big events filled with days in between where I am useless and completely unable to function as a human being. Where I can go to a comic convention one day, but can't even manage to do laundry the next. Where I can have a big girls day out with my best friend one day, and not even be able to wash my face the next.

Depression brings up apathy, and that's how I know when I'm in a bad place. When painting my nails, blogging, or watching my favorite movies doesn't even slightly interest me. Depression brings up a mixture of agoraphobia and claustrophobia all at once, where I'm terrified of leaving the house but at the same time I feel sick and trapped if I don't get out.

I've been trying to get work recently. I wanted to financially contribute to my family, especially since it's been a hard couple of months. But after the one job I was offered turned south in a horrible way (that everyone but me could see coming), I haven't had much luck. I dyed my hair a "normal" color, I redid my resume and began applying for everything. But still no takers. No interviews. No calls.

That does something to your self esteem.

It also does something to your blogging.

Social media plays a part in the job hunt now. I began worrying that prospective job hunters were looking at me online and somehow realized I wasn't good for them. So I stopped blogging. I stopped writing honestly. Despite the fact that 1 in every 4 adults is diagnosed with a mental disorder every year. Despite the fact that over 2 million Americans have OCD and over 15 million have some sort of social anxiety. Despite the fact that blogging about my disorders helped me deal with them, heal through them. I stopped. Because stigma still exists and I didn't want to get caught up in it.

And then I got worse.

I've been letting anxiety take the lead now for months, and I'm so ready to take it back. I don't have the energy, or the will power, or even the know how to do that - but I will. Because somehow I've done it before. I've come out of this before. But something needs to change.

Because I'm exhausted from feeling afraid all the time.


Angel The Alien said...

I was in a similar funk at the end of last summer, as I realized that I'd once again failed to get a teaching job for the second school year in a row. I had gone to so many interviews, and I felt like the interviewers must be able to see something glaringly wrong with me. I have a lot of trouble with interviews. I was going through depression and feeling useless. The only thing that got me out of it was when I went out to the Pacific Northwest to visit family members. I was only going to stay a week, but I ended up staying a month! It really got me out of my funk... when I got back I was able to decide to start subbing, get back on my medication, and start in equine therapy.
Maybe you need something to shake up your life a little. I know most people can't take a spontaneous month-long trip out of town. But maybe you could find a retreat of some sort, or a volunteer job?
I know what worked for me won't work for everyone. So whatever you end up doing, I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

The Lovely One said...

What kind of job are you trying to get? I think it's hard for anyone to get a job. I'd love to see a pic of you with a "normal" hair color-- I have a feeling you can still make it look fun and sassy!

whitejenna said...

I am soo sorry to hear that. I am right there with you, to be truthful. And you said it just right with agoraphobia/clausterphobia.....thats just how I have felt too. Thank you. Happily, with spring comes new jobs to apply for, so I am being hopeful, i just had some part time interviews, its been six months since i fell apart from the stress and left my c.s.r job. I feel suck a need to get on track and prove i am an adult...etc. feel better, hugs.

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