Sunday, April 6, 2014

Depression Rears It's Ugly Head

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I haven't been able to write much lately.

I feel like I haven't been able to do much lately.

This whole year so far consists of big events filled with days in between where I am useless and completely unable to function as a human being. Where I can go to a comic convention one day, but can't even manage to do laundry the next. Where I can have a big girls day out with my best friend one day, and not even be able to wash my face the next.

Depression brings up apathy, and that's how I know when I'm in a bad place. When painting my nails, blogging, or watching my favorite movies doesn't even slightly interest me. Depression brings up a mixture of agoraphobia and claustrophobia all at once, where I'm terrified of leaving the house but at the same time I feel sick and trapped if I don't get out.

I've been trying to get work recently. I wanted to financially contribute to my family, especially since it's been a hard couple of months. But after the one job I was offered turned south in a horrible way (that everyone but me could see coming), I haven't had much luck. I dyed my hair a "normal" color, I redid my resume and began applying for everything. But still no takers. No interviews. No calls.

That does something to your self esteem.

It also does something to your blogging.

Social media plays a part in the job hunt now. I began worrying that prospective job hunters were looking at me online and somehow realized I wasn't good for them. So I stopped blogging. I stopped writing honestly. Despite the fact that 1 in every 4 adults is diagnosed with a mental disorder every year. Despite the fact that over 2 million Americans have OCD and over 15 million have some sort of social anxiety. Despite the fact that blogging about my disorders helped me deal with them, heal through them. I stopped. Because stigma still exists and I didn't want to get caught up in it.

And then I got worse.

I've been letting anxiety take the lead now for months, and I'm so ready to take it back. I don't have the energy, or the will power, or even the know how to do that - but I will. Because somehow I've done it before. I've come out of this before. But something needs to change.

Because I'm exhausted from feeling afraid all the time.


Angel The Alien said...

I was in a similar funk at the end of last summer, as I realized that I'd once again failed to get a teaching job for the second school year in a row. I had gone to so many interviews, and I felt like the interviewers must be able to see something glaringly wrong with me. I have a lot of trouble with interviews. I was going through depression and feeling useless. The only thing that got me out of it was when I went out to the Pacific Northwest to visit family members. I was only going to stay a week, but I ended up staying a month! It really got me out of my funk... when I got back I was able to decide to start subbing, get back on my medication, and start in equine therapy.
Maybe you need something to shake up your life a little. I know most people can't take a spontaneous month-long trip out of town. But maybe you could find a retreat of some sort, or a volunteer job?
I know what worked for me won't work for everyone. So whatever you end up doing, I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

The Lovely One said...

What kind of job are you trying to get? I think it's hard for anyone to get a job. I'd love to see a pic of you with a "normal" hair color-- I have a feeling you can still make it look fun and sassy!

whitejenna said...

I am soo sorry to hear that. I am right there with you, to be truthful. And you said it just right with agoraphobia/clausterphobia.....thats just how I have felt too. Thank you. Happily, with spring comes new jobs to apply for, so I am being hopeful, i just had some part time interviews, its been six months since i fell apart from the stress and left my c.s.r job. I feel suck a need to get on track and prove i am an adult...etc. feel better, hugs.

Jeffrey Dowling said...

Read my story .....

Hello to every one out here, am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me three days ago, My name is Jeffrey Dowling,i live in Texas,USA.and I`m happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she did not love me anymore So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.(}, So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day what an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who did not call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website,if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to “bringing your ex back. So thanks to Dr Brave for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again.{} , Thanks.

Annie James said...

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faith12 said...

Hello, my name is Miss faith, I'm from USA. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is genuine and real. I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Garvin, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found consultant.odia spells and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. Several days later, my phone rang. Garvin was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn't brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be." you can contact the spell caster on he's very nice and great. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

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