Sunday, April 6, 2014
Depression Rears It's Ugly Head
I feel like I haven't been able to do much lately.
This whole year so far consists of big events filled with days in between where I am useless and completely unable to function as a human being. Where I can go to a comic convention one day, but can't even manage to do laundry the next. Where I can have a big girls day out with my best friend one day, and not even be able to wash my face the next.
Depression brings up apathy, and that's how I know when I'm in a bad place. When painting my nails, blogging, or watching my favorite movies doesn't even slightly interest me. Depression brings up a mixture of agoraphobia and claustrophobia all at once, where I'm terrified of leaving the house but at the same time I feel sick and trapped if I don't get out.
I've been trying to get work recently. I wanted to financially contribute to my family, especially since it's been a hard couple of months. But after the one job I was offered turned south in a horrible way (that everyone but me could see coming), I haven't had much luck. I dyed my hair a "normal" color, I redid my resume and began applying for everything. But still no takers. No interviews. No calls.
That does something to your self esteem.
It also does something to your blogging.
Social media plays a part in the job hunt now. I began worrying that prospective job hunters were looking at me online and somehow realized I wasn't good for them. So I stopped blogging. I stopped writing honestly. Despite the fact that 1 in every 4 adults is diagnosed with a mental disorder every year. Despite the fact that over 2 million Americans have OCD and over 15 million have some sort of social anxiety. Despite the fact that blogging about my disorders helped me deal with them, heal through them. I stopped. Because stigma still exists and I didn't want to get caught up in it.
And then I got worse.
I've been letting anxiety take the lead now for months, and I'm so ready to take it back. I don't have the energy, or the will power, or even the know how to do that - but I will. Because somehow I've done it before. I've come out of this before. But something needs to change.
Because I'm exhausted from feeling afraid all the time.