Tuesday, April 22, 2014

30 (Days) Before 30 (Years)

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The countdown has officially begun. 

As of today, it is 30 days until I turn 30 years old.

I honestly don't know how I feel about it. My heart changes from moment to moment. I've always been the type of person that reads too much into things, or makes a big deal out of just about anything. I'm the type of person who says, "This is my song!" to every song that comes on the radio, because somehow I can always relate. So turning 30? It's a big deal to me. But I'm not afraid of turning 30. I'm not afraid of getting older. I find the tiniest hints of aging endearing. I excitedly look forward to grey hair (though you'd never be able to know if it's there beneath the pink), I love my little laugh lines, and the way the skin around my fingernails is beginning to pucker a little in the shape of thin wrinkles that make me smile because they remind me of my Grandmother's hands.

I am not afraid of the future.

But I am afraid of wasting time.

I wasted nine years of my marriage focused on infertility to the point where it destroyed so much of myself and I threatened to bring my marriage down with me. I wasted years worried about what other people would say in regards to how I dressed, acted, spoke, looked, and even prayed - that I lived in a shell of my former self. I wasted years of my life thinking that I was a worthless, lazy human when in fact I was living with a chronic illness that caused pain and severe fatigue. I wasted years of my life hiding my OCD because I was afraid of what people would think. I've wasted most of this year (and countless years before it) because of stress and depression. I've spent years forcing myself into roles, personalities, jobs and situations that made me uncomfortable just so I could please people who don't actually matter if they can't accept me for who I am, as God made me.

And I just wasted a whole paragraph complaining about the past. ;)

So no more wasting time.

My 30 Before 30 List is no where near complete, but I am celebrating the things I DID accomplish. The rest just get added onto a 35 Before 35 list and I get to use the next five years to celebrate my time, my life, all for the purpose of creating joy! And I am so looking forward to that.

In the meantime, I've still got 30 days to go, and I'm going to use those days. Use them to document my life (Instagram #Jias30Before30Countdown), I'm going to use them to experience new things, to remember who I was when I was in my 20's, and how I've grown into the person I am - a person I am proud to know. I'm going to use these last 30 days to be grateful for the good things in my life - and all the time I have NOT wasted.


Heidi said...

I look forward to stalking your 30 before 30 all over the net! I should have done this myself, but with 40 before 40 8)

Karen Peterson said...

I think it's great that you've learned so much about yourself and your personal situation and that you're able to go forward into your thirties with a better outlook on who you are and what you need.

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