Two years ago I had a strange idea. I thought about writing letters to myself in order to show the difference a year could make. I was tired of living day to day and seeing no progress in my weight, my health, my mental illness, my relationships and my spirit. I focused mostly on weight this year and paying attention to my body, which really did help - even if sometimes I didn't lose weight, or still ended up sick.
I can't believe it's been two years since that original letter was posted and I started this journey. It's become one of my favorite parts of this blog and though the changes I've made have been small, I am seeing the difference. I am listening to my past self and learning to not repeat past mistakes.
I originally started comparing the photos in order to try to motivate me for weight loss, or at the very least be able to see the weight loss even if the pounds didn't seem to be shedding.
What I didn't expect to see was how over the past two years I've come alive in these photos.
|Jan 2010 - Dec 2012|
I've gone from tired and depressed, to awake, joyous and celebratory. I can look at pictures from two or three years ago and not recognize the girl in the photos. But I can look at pictures now and see a resemblance to the girl I used to be. The girl I was when I was a fifteen year old trouble making teen. The girl I was when I got married. The girl I was before illness (both mental and physical) wore me down and tried to erase my soul.
I don't look in the mirror and see this girl anymore. She is tired and in pain, but afraid to talk about it. She's battling mental illness on her own, unwilling to tell a soul, even her husband. She hates herself, her weight, and is afraid of changing because she's grown used to this place of emptiness. She is run down and stressed out. She doesn't feel worth much.
This girl is beautiful and awkward and unafraid to be both at the same time.
She embraces the weird in her and is no longer scared to laugh at herself.