Warning: I Do Not Support the Killing of Mythical Creatures

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Conversation over text between Matt and I:

Matt: Hey, I had to throw away my lunch today because the fridge at work broke and all the food was ruined.

Me: Are you kidding? The lunch I made you was spectacular. It was glorious compared to all other lunches! You would have become a better man simply by eating that meal!

Matt: What was it?

Me: Heaven on a plate!

Matt: I saw it was a sammich already. What kind was it?

Me: It was a sammich made from the meat of the goose that laid golden eggs. No one will ever have golden eggs anymore, because I killed the goose, just to make you a sammich.

Matt: .... Seriously, what did you make me for lunch?

Me: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to kill a golden goose?

Matt: I thought it was the goose that laid the golden eggs? The goose itself wasn't golden.

Me: Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass it is to type out "the goose that laid the golden eggs" compared to "golden goose"?

Matt: You know what? Never mind, I don't even care what kind of sammich it was now.

Me: Unicorn gun.

Matt: Umm . . . wtf?

Me: That's how I killed the golden goose. A unicorn gun. Sorry, I was going back to our conversation in an attempt to overlook your criticizing of my texting.

Matt: A unicorn gun.

Me: Yes. A unicorn gun. It's the only known weapon that can kill a golden goose. Guess what the bullets are made out of!

Matt: . . . Unicorn?

Me: What? No, that's ridiculous. Why would a unicorn gun shoot unicorn bullets? That doesn't even make sense. Unicorn bullets explode with glitter on impact. Did you want a glitter sammich, cause that's gross and potentially dangerous. Although very pretty.

Matt: (stops replying to my texts for about an hour)

Me: Narwhal bullets.

Matt: Sigh.

Me: So I guess you were close, what with the unicorn bullet idea and all.

Matt: It was turkey and swiss wasn't it?

Me: PB&J, but close!

While the golden goose sammich may have been a slight exaggeration, I did once make him a butterfly sammich for lunch!