Monday, May 14, 2012
Listening to My Body
And now I'm doing the same thing with my body. Trying to listen. Trying to figure out what my triggers are. What my limits are in doing daily activities. Fibromyalgia can come and go whenever it feels like it. Anything from food, to stress to activity can trigger a flare up and it's hard trying to pin point mine. Guessing ahead which days I'll be able to function like a normal person is impossible. Some days I can plant a garden, go for a walk, go grocery shopping, go to Church, clean the house . . . and other days it's all I can do to get out of bed because my body is exhausted, weak and in pain.
My biggest struggle right now is something that won't help me.
I've been digging into my old blog posts, old journals, Facebook status updates and memories. I'm trying to figure out when it all started. From what I've read, fibromyalgia can be caused by a number of different things, mostly trauma related. Either stress, or an accident, or abuse will happen and the illness starts it's course. But I've had just about everything happen to me, and I can't tell when the pain really began.
Was it when I was two and I broke my legs in a car crash? Was it when I was a ten and was abused? Was if when I was fifteen and my Grandmother died? Was it that one time I injured my back at work? Was it that one time I sprained my knee at the gym? Was it my breakdown two years ago?
I don't know.
And it doesn't matter. Not really. It won't change anything.
But it's out of my control, and I feel like I need control. I need to know what was my own doing and what was out of my hands. Could I have taken better care of myself? Certainly - and if so, this might not be hurting me as badly as it is right now. But if this really began when I was two years old and just remained dormant for years at a time, did I really ever even have a chance?
And if that's the case . . . then how many hours, days, weeks, months and years of my life have I wasted in blaming myself for what could have been?
It's frustrating not knowing all the details of the past. Almost as frustrating as not being able to predict the future.
So in the meantime, I'll try to be in the present.
So maybe one day I'll be able to say, "This is my chronic illness, not me."