I spent years trying to map out my own brain in order to survive living with mental illness. I had to listen to my mind and try to figure out what was real and what wasn't when it came to my fears, anxieties, obsessions and other daily stresses. I got used to it. Even when depression or OCD had won a fight and I was knocked down, I could at least say with certainty, "This is mental illness, not me."
And now I'm doing the same thing with my body. Trying to listen. Trying to figure out what my triggers are. What my limits are in doing daily activities. Fibromyalgia can come and go whenever it feels like it. Anything from food, to stress to activity can trigger a flare up and it's hard trying to pin point mine. Guessing ahead which days I'll be able to function like a normal person is impossible. Some days I can plant a garden, go for a walk, go grocery shopping, go to Church, clean the house . . . and other days it's all I can do to get out of bed because my body is exhausted, weak and in pain.
My biggest struggle right now is something that won't help me.
I've been digging into my old blog posts, old journals, Facebook status updates and memories. I'm trying to figure out when it all started. From what I've read, fibromyalgia can be caused by a number of different things, mostly trauma related. Either stress, or an accident, or abuse will happen and the illness starts it's course. But I've had just about everything happen to me, and I can't tell when the pain really began.
Was it when I was two and I broke my legs in a car crash? Was it when I was a ten and was abused? Was if when I was fifteen and my Grandmother died? Was it that one time I injured my back at work? Was it that one time I sprained my knee at the gym? Was it my breakdown two years ago?
I don't know.
And it doesn't matter. Not really. It won't change anything.
But it's out of my control, and I feel like I need control. I need to know what was my own doing and what was out of my hands. Could I have taken better care of myself? Certainly - and if so, this might not be hurting me as badly as it is right now. But if this really began when I was two years old and just remained dormant for years at a time, did I really ever even have a chance?
And if that's the case . . . then how many hours, days, weeks, months and years of my life have I wasted in blaming myself for what could have been?
It's frustrating not knowing all the details of the past. Almost as frustrating as not being able to predict the future.
So in the meantime, I'll try to be in the present.
And listen.
So maybe one day I'll be able to say, "This is my chronic illness, not me."
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I don't know much about fybromyalgia, but if it's trauma-related, perhaps it was cumulative trauma in your case? If it were me, I would be tempted to look for a correlation between traumas that happened before you were diagnosed and the ones that happened after you were diagnosed, a sort of trauma--fibromyalgia "time line" as it were. In any case, it certainly points toward seekjng better trauma-handling in your present and future. Have you ever taken time to focus on this, i.e., how you handle trauma? If you work with a mental health practitioner, you might want to ask about somatic experiencing exercises and or "tapping" (EFT [Emotional Freedom Technique]). I have found both of them to be extraordinarily helpful in coping with my lupus, depression, anxiety, etc. I'm even at the point where I am tapping with verbal praying (I just made this up; it wasn't necessarily recommended). It's lovely. Just a few brain farts for you to mull over . . . Blessings and happy tomorrow!
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