Metaphors and Sleeping Pills

Hey y'all, I'm back from a wonderful trip at Motherly's where I ate Chipotle, watched a marathon of Ru Paul's Drag Race and got bit by the tiniest dog Satan. It's the first morning since my return and I thought I would knock out my first post of the new year.

Ideas for a post included me being serious and talking about goals. But goals make me sleepy. I thought about mentioning that supposedly 2012 will bring about the end of the world. But the apocalypse makes me sad AND sleepy.

So since I'm all about the sleepy over here, below is a transcript of what I could recall happened between Matt and I last night.

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Matt: How're those sleeping pills treating you?

Jia: Baby they treat me so good.

Matt: I'm kinda hungry, we should go make something.

Jia: OMG! We should get orange juice! No . . . wait, I brushed my teeth, and brushing teeth is having sex.

Matt: Umm . . . what?

Jia: You know, like you can't drink the orange juice after you brush your teeth cause it'll taste like crap. And sex is crap. No . . . wait, that's not right. Is the orange juice sex?

Matt: What the hell are you talking about?

Jia: Okay, okay . . . *mid-sentence snore* I'm good. I get it now. So like marriage is orange juice, and brushing your teeth is sex. So like . . . you know, if you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth . . . the sex is all nasty. Wait, that's not right.

Matt: I get what you're saying, I just don't know what it has to do with getting us some food.

Jia: I can do this. The sex won't be nasty, but it'll be bitter or something. Ah, frick . . . just you know, no sex before marriage and oranges. And no poop in the brownies.

Matt: What!?

Jia: Ugh, don't you ever listen? Okay, so there's these brownies right? And they have poop in them.

Matt: I don't want poop in my brownies!

Jia: Oh my gosh it's not even that much poop!

Matt: I don't want any poop in my brownies!

Jia: Exactly.

Matt: Exactly what?

Jia: . . . .

Matt: Exactly what?

Jia: . . . . 

Matt: Are you asleep?

Jia: I think when we have kids we should put lobsters in the boiling water instead of frogs.

Matt: Oh jeez.

Jia: Cause I mean . . . boiling water or water slowly boiling, you still got a fistful of dead frogs. And I'd rather have lobster.

Matt: You hate lobster.

Jia: Yeah but I'd rather have that then boiled frog legs, yo.

Matt: Did you just say "yo".

Jia: Plus the lobster will scream or something. And that'll scare our kids. So you know, lesson drive home biatch.

Matt: I think you should go to bed.

Jia: I wonder how lobsters are able to scream. Like can they talk? I can talk. If I was a lobster, I would say, "Yo, pass that butter man . . . I am delicious with it."

And then I don't remember anything else other than Matt took me to bed, put on the first episode of Portlandia and then I screamed, "Oh my gosh . . . there's the bird!" and then immediately passed out. I'm amazed I remembered this much to be honest.

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Explaination:

Okay so there are metaphors that we're often taught in Church, especially when we are younger. When it comes to having sex before marriage, we say that it can be like brushing your teeth before drinking orange juice. But if you drink orange juice and THEN brush your teeth, you're not left with a bitter taste.

Then there was a little trick that our old seminary teachers taught us once with brownies. They brought and let us eat a bunch of brownies and then asked us if we watched rated R movies. Most of us were honest and said yes adding that, "It's okay if it's only a little bit of nudity/cursing/violence". So our teachers then told us they put dog poop in the brownies, but it's okay cause it was only a little bit.


(They really didn't put poop in the brownies, but message was certainly driven home.)

Lastly the frog in the pot of boiling water says that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it'll struggle to get out. But if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and then slowly turn the heat up, he'll let himself boil to death. So like . . . don't do little bad things, cause you could still end up a strippper or something.

Clearly these lessons stuck with us.

Wow, are you guys seriously ready for another year of me?