2011 in 12 Words

Change.
Seven (years married).
Prayer.
Forgiveness.
Twenty-seven (years old).
Purpose.
Depression.
Renewal.
Seventeen (pounds lost).
Friendship.
Family.
Tradition.

Untypically in Love: One Last Kiss

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

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Chapter Forty
One Last Kiss

"He kissed you?" Chris asked as we pulled into the gas station New Years day, prepping the car for it's long voyage to Utah. We'd planned to leave earlier but saying goodbye to friends and family was taking longer than expected.


"Yep." I grinned. "And keep in mind this is the same guy that was too shy or polite to kiss me back when we were actually dating." I pulled the handle from the gas tank and secured the cap before jumping in the car.

"Lucky. The only person to kiss me goodbye was my Mom." Chris laughed.

"I kind of want to go back, would that be weird?" I asked, wincing at the embarassing thought. "I mean, I don't want to get to Utah and then have to awkwardly write him and be like . . . hey . . . how've you been since we made out against the car that one time?"

"Ew, that's my car." Chris made a face.

"Be serious." I sighed.

"I think everyone deserves a real goodbye. If you want to go back to Josh's to say goodbye as friends instead of a call girl, by all means." He laughed.

I turned and punched him in the arm before starting the car and driving back toward Josh's house. It would be our last stop. We'd said goodbye to Chris' parents who gifted him with pajamas to keep him warm and a family heirloom cast iron skillet. I had said goodbye to my aunt and uncle and little sister and then made a quick stop to Matt's parents house where his Mom cried saying that she was losing the only daughter she'd ever had. Matt's father gave me a priesthood blessing to make sure I arrived in Utah safe and sound, and then as before I left their home, I called my Dad to let him know we'd be on our way.

Few else in Utah knew we were coming. I thought it would be a fun surprise, and my Dad has said we could stay with him until we found our own places and jobs. I was mentally and emotionally ready to hit the road until we hit that gas station and Chris asked me about the night before.

We pulled the car and parked it against the curb of Josh's house where he stood outside fixing something on his car. I stepped out and awkwardly smiled at him, half expecting a look of regret on his face.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be somewhere in Utah by now?" Josh asked as he approached, wrapping his arms around me in a hug.

"We're running late," Chris said as he popped his head out the passenger side window. "She wanted to come say goodbye."

"Isn't that what last night was about?" Josh whispered through a grin at me and I actually giggled. Despite all the drama we'd been through, all the hurt and heart ache, he was still flirting with me. And me, being the dramatic girl that I was, couldn't help but be won over by it.

"Well maybe I hadn't had enough goodbye." I smiled and hugged him closer.

"Well I hate to break it up, but we do need to be leaving if we plan on getting there tonight," Chris frowned.

I smiled and looked up at Josh just as he looked down at me. I wanted to say goodbye as friends, but he was hugging me and he was so warm, and the temptation was too great. I leaned up and kissed him just like he'd done the night before. Everything was the same. He touched my hair, held me close and kissed me back. Instead of the moonlight shining on our faces it was the sun beaming down on us, though the temperature still stayed the same. Cold outside, warm inside.

But . . .

Something was different.

Something was missing.

Was it the spontaneity? Had I taken it one step too far? Had I done something wrong? I pulled away feeling awkward as though Josh was still Josh and I was still me, but suddenly whatever tension between us was gone. The need to kiss him again was missing. I shrugged off the feeling and gave him another hug before saying goodbye and crawling in the car.

"You okay?" Chris asked.

"Not sure. Something's . . . weird." I tried to shake the feeling off.

'I just wanted one last kiss.' I remember Josh saying the night before. I couldn't help but wonder, was that it? Was that why it felt so strange? Was our one last kiss the night before and any kiss that came after too much? Mentally I tried to think about Josh and the feelings I'd previously associated with him, but they too were gone. No romance. No spark. No tingles. Just the same love and friendship I'd always felt for him before, but changed.

"At least we're still friends, and I ended things that way," I nodded, trying to assure myself that everything was okay.

"You sure you're ready to go?" Chris asked. "No more pit stops?"

I sighed heavily. "I need closure." I swallowed hard and turned the car down a road that let to the book store where I knew Matt was working.

"This is the last ex you need to visit right?" Chris joked.

"Just . . . stay in the car." I insisted as I stepped out and swallowed my pride as I stepped foot in the store and found Matt ringing people up on the cash register. The store was busy, clearly most people trying to exchange Christmas gifts or cash in on the post holiday sales.

When Matt's eyes caught mine, I waved and silently told him to come here. He looked at the line of people he was waiting on and sighed, silently asking me to wait. So wait I did. For ten minutes or so I watched as the line trickled down to one last person before Matt closed his register and had someone else take over for him.

"Aren't you supposed to be gone?" He asked as he approached.

Without a word, I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me, and suddenly there it was. The warmth . . . the tingles. I held him tightly as my eyes watered up, not wanting to let go too early and have him see me crying. I gathered myself together and finally let go enough to look him in the eyes and then kiss him on the cheek.

"Goodbye." I whispered and then turned and walked away.

I jumped in the car, looking back only once to see Matt staring at me through the window of the store. I gulped down hard and turned on the car, eventually pulling out onto the highway that would take us to Utah.

"You okay?" Chris asked.

"Yeah, just getting sentimental over leaving." I muttered.

About two hours into the trip, Chris had fallen fast asleep. The only things I had to keep me company was the snowy desert road ahead of me that showed no hint of ever ending, a passing sign that read Salt Lake City 410 miles, and Pam Tillis in the CD player starting up The River and the Highway. I turned the music up to overpower Chris' snoring, and began to sing along.



"Heaven knows she can't go with him . .. he can't go with her," I swallowed hard, the words coming out of my mouth in short sobs. "And she rolls all by herself. And he rolls all by himself. Fare thee well."

By the time the sun set and we closed in on the southern Utah border, Chris was awake and my tears had dried up. But the feeling that I'd left something very important behind stayed with me.

Resolutions and Other Lies I Tell Myself

I'm getting ready for my second annual New Years Eve spent at Motherlys house in Colorado. Every year the parents decided to go to Las Vegas for the big celebration only to come home a few days later complaining about how they always stay too long and that next year they're just going to stay home.

Then about eleven or so months later I get a text message that says, "Wanna watch my dogs for a week after Christmas?"

I don't mind. In fact I look forward to it. Time alone is needed, peace and quiet (aside from the dogs) is practically a happy sedative, and there's a Chipotle literally within walking distance. Not MY walking distance, but I'm sure someone could make it there and back without pulling something.

So close to Christmas, I hadn't started packing until yesterday, which is weird because my OCD makes me want to start packing for a trip about two weeks ahead of schedule. I'm the type of person that shows up to the airport two hours ahead of time and then watches Netflix on my phone with my feet propped up on the seat next to me like I live there. So not having things ready usually would seem like a panic attack waiting to happen.

But I'm savoring the last lazy moments of 2011. Which would be a lot easier if I still didn't have to pack.

One suitcase is ready to go and I'm just waiting for some laundry to finish drying before I can close 'er up. But my other suitcase is completely missing. The bulky one that usually carries my hair dryer, curling iron and other things I rarely use because I pack hair ties in my purse. It also houses my makeup case which will not fit in the larger suitcase surrounded by all my clothes. I'm forced to choose whether or not to leave it at home, or to pack less clothing since Motherly does have a washer and dryer.

Matt's already been telling me how much he's going to miss me and how much he loves me. Last night I told him that neediness wasn't sexy and that he should ignore me from time to time. So this morning when he went to work one of the last things he said was, "Take the garbage out before you go to the airport," and he didn't even kiss me goodbye. Kinda turned me on.

If you're hoping for some New Years resolution post, ain't gonna be one. I have one chapter of Untypically in Love set to post on Saturday and then you won't hear anything from me until after the 5th of January (unless of course you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, which I'll be using as often as possible in order to avoid watching marathons of Toddlers and Tiaras).

On second thought . . . I do have a New Years resolution! I resolve to be in Colorado for New Years! And as long as I avoid any problems with the TSA or a horrific plane crash, I should be all accomplished come January 1st. How's that for over achieving?

Love, Yourself - A Year in Perspective

.....

A year ago I had a strange idea. I thought about writing letters to myself in order to show the difference a year could make. I was tired of living day to day and seeing no progress in my weight, my health, my mental illness, my relationships and my spirit. I focused mostly on weight this year and paying attention to my body, which really did help - even if sometimes I didn't lose weight, or still ended up sick.


It's been a year now since that first letter posted, and I've learned some things . . . 

January 2011

 "We both felt great walking long distances."

Something Learned: Matt and I went on a vacation to Santa Fe where we walked everywhere. I had previously been unable to walk less than a block without my knees and hips hurting, but here I was able to walk miles around the city with some ease.
Weight: 243 (Down from 250 in December 2010)

February 2011

"Panic attacks come and go on occasion, but I'm no longer paralyzed by fear!"

Something Learned: February was an anniversary for me. It had been a year since my mental breakdown. And a year later I was doing great. I had previously had issues with my friends and family getting pregnant while I struggled with infertility, but not only did I welcome my new nephew into the world with love, but one of my best friends had her first baby, and another is due any day now. I couldn't be happier for them!

Weight: 239

March 2011

"Even if I gain weight, even if I have to start over from the beginning, I will not stop because I'd rather keep walking forward despite the odds than sit down and let everything run me over."

Something Learned: Between fighting physical sickness and mental illness, March was a struggle but I came through fighting. I learned that instead of saying, "Oh I'm sick, might as well give up on everything," that I just need to take care of myself, push through and keep going once I'm better.

Weight: 234

April 2011

"I am still drinking water and have cut down on the soda I drink. 

No more kidney stones!"

Something Learned: I started going to the doctor when I needed to, which continued to be a struggle but there is progress there. I cut down on the amount of soda I was drinking and really saw the improvement. I started taking control of my depression and sought out therapy which became a lifesaver. I even gave medication a try (which turned out not so good, but the important thing is that I tried.)

Weight: 239

May 2011

"While my first week as a 27 year old hasn't exactly been perfect, 

I'm still alive and life is beautiful."

Something Learned: Perspective. Medication I was on was making things harder to work through, but I kept going and kept trying to see the difference in every moment. I really tried to seek out the good in the word even though my body was breaking down a bit.

Weight: 234

June 2011 - August 2011

Sometimes mental illness can put you down for a day, sometimes it can put you down for three months. But you get up and keep going when you finally can.

September 2011

"I have had a lot of feedback from family and friends telling me 

how good I look and how much weight I've clearly lost."

Something Learned: I spent a few weeks with my little sister and Motherly which really helped give me the family connection I had been craving. I developed an addiction to makeup which helped because when you suffer from depression you don't want to get out of bed let alone look pretty. So when I put my makeup on, it showed a real effort to myself. We also moved back in with Matt's parents which was very stressful, but I held it together, got rid of tons of clutter and left behind a ton of stress that came along with our old apartment.

Weight: 239

October 2011

"I'm just amazed at how totally blessed I am right now 

with the progress that I've made."

Something Learned: I was (and continue to be) amazed by the progress I've made when it comes to my OCD and agoraphobia. I used to be so afraid of so much and now, though I still have issues, I can actually look at the world with clear eyes and even a little bit of hope.

Weight: 233 - My Lowest Weight This Year!

November 2011

"I certainly weigh less than I did this time a year ago!"

Something Learned: November was hard. Between being sick, the family being sick, and of course depression, it was hard to get up and move, or get anything done. But one thing I was able to accomplish was an amazing Thanksgiving. I continue to make myself proud in keeping holiday traditions.

Weight: 236

December 2011

 

"It's hard, but it's a baby step type of thing. 

You don't wake up one day cured of mental illness, and I know that."

Something Learned: I know that depression is a part of who I am, at least right this moment, and I have to move with it sometimes instead of struggle against it and wear myself out. There are still good moments that I can make out, which is still progress because in my really bad depression days I couldn't see the light anywhere. Now I can. I know that somewhere in the future, whether it's tomorrow or next month, I'll feel better.

Weight: 238

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I've learned a lot about myself this year. Words that stick out to me are Perspective, Blessings, Progress, Pride and Hope. I learned it all in 2011 and it's something I hope to carry into 2012. I won't be making any New Years resolutions . . . I'm just going to love myself more. I'm going to keep writing letters to myself (and have written most of them all already) and in loving myself more, I'm going to continue in my adventure to lose weight and be healthy, to live with and overcome my mental illness. I'm going to focus more on my marriage and my family, and put an extra effort in maintaining my relationship with God.

I really want to thank you amazing readers for this year. These letters have been to me from me, but they've all been signed by you with love, support and friendship. Thank you.

Happy New Year, y'all.

Thanks 2011!

I wanted to give a little stats update about 2011 on my blog plus some decent reciprocal blog pimpage. 

This has been a great year for me and I have all of you to thank for it!

Top Site Referrals:

1. Jack Sh*t Getting Fit
2. The SITS Girls
3. Mormon Mommy Blogs
4. Violence Unsilenced
5. Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt

Top Google Search Terms:

1. Untypically Jia
2. MILF
3. PMS
4. Obedient Wife
5. Men VS Women

Top Commenters:

1. Gina
2. Comfy Mom
3. The Incredible Shrinking Woman
4. Christina
5. The Dainty Domestic

Top Facebook Followers:

1. Katrina from Finding Equipoise
2. Charlie from Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt
3. Dana from Day by Dana
4. Leslie from Motherhood in Mexico
5. Amanda from My Big Fat Geek Recipes

Top Twitter Followers:

1. @ladyozma
2. @AliciaLasante
3. @mimgodfather
4. @pixie_ala_mode
5. @Chasing_Joy

Thank you all for being superbly awesome and making this year amazing here at Untypically Jia!

Untypically in Love: One to Go

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

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Chapter Thirty-Nine
One to Go

"I'm bored," I said as I looked at Chris who was sifting through a list of music, trying to find a decent song to request. We were still planning on leaving the following morning, but it was New Years Eve and the Church was putting on a dance for the young single adults. One last hurrah before we said goodbye to New Mexico.

All I wanted to do was go home and sleep to prepare for the fourteen plus hour drive ahead of us, and in the middle of winter I'd have to be wide awake to make sure I didn't drift into a snow bank or off an icy cliff. I'd agreed to go to the dance though, wishing I at least had a date.

Matt and I hadn't spoken since Christmas day. We'd decided to be nice enough to each other for holiday sake, and unwrapping presents always put us each in a better mood. When the time came for me to leave, Matt waved and left it at that. It made me sick inside to leave things between us so tense, but I just reminded myself that it was for the best.

Josh on the other hand was anything but angry. I'd made plans to stop by his house the following morning before we left to say goodbye and he seemed perfectly content, as if my leaving made no difference whatsoever. Maybe he'd already gotten whatever closure he needed, or maybe I was being overly dramatic and made things harder for myself in thinking that anyone needed closure to begin with.

The countdown finished and balloons fell from the ceiling as everyone at the dance screamed, "Happy New Year!" Couples surrounding us began to kiss and I rolled my eyes. "Now can we go?" I asked Chris.

"Aww, you're a bummer. Can't you see the romance of the holiday at all?" He smirked.

"No. I'm single and the only two guys I've ever really loved I have to say goodbye to tomorrow. And did I mention one of them pretty much hates me?" I headed for the door.

Chris said a few quick goodbyes to some friends before following me out the Church door and down the stairs to where we parked the car, which was packed with all of our belongings. It was amazing that no one had broken in to steal everything.


"Well you shouldn't let Matt and Josh ruin your night," Chris said, always looking for the bright side. "Besides, you're leaving tomorrow. It's not like anything you said or did tonight would really change anything in the long run."

The ride home from the dance I thought about what Chris had said. He was right after all. I was leaving tomorrow no matter what, nothing could change that. But I didn't need to spend the night being pissed off. As we pulled into the driveway of Chris' parents house, I hopped out of the car and rushed over, snagging the car keys from his hand.

"Can I borrow the car for a little bit?" I asked.

"Am I going to need to take the first shift driving tomorrow?" He asked.

"Possibly. Depending on how well this goes." I nervously bit my cheek.

"Go, have fun. Tell Josh I said bye."

A few minutes later I pulled Chris' green car into Josh's driveway and gulped down hard. The last time I decided to be bold with Josh, I'd made an ass of myself and then spent several weeks wondering what the hell was wrong with me, before he finally decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. We didn't have that kind of time. I was leaving in the morning and more than ever, was determined to have one last good moment in New Mexico before leaving all the sadness and regret behind me.

I knocked on the door softly, checking my watch quickly to see it was already after one in the morning. I grit my teeth, hoping that I wouldn't wake him up. The door slowly opened and Josh stood there with a grin on his face.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready for your trip?" He asked.

"Nah, it's New Years Eve, I'm supposed to be partying or something." I shrugged.

"Technically it's New Years Day." He pointed out.

"Well . . . we can pretend." I suggested.

Josh chuckled and opened the door to let me in.

We didn't talk much. No need to rehash the past over and over again, analyzing every last detail of every word ever spoken. It was a relief. Josh knew I was leaving and most likely never coming back, so we could just make the most of whatever time was left. Audra was wrong, there was no need for closure.

We sat on the couch watching an old mobster movie that Josh was already halfway through. Ten minutes in I found myself cuddled into his side, my head against his chest as his arm pulled me close against him. Every few minutes he would try to explain what was happening in the movie, and I'd smile and nod my head like I understood. In reality I was wondering how long before I'd ever feel this way again. I wasn't good at creating new relationships anymore, Joseph and Riley proved that too well. Would it be easier in Utah? Would I find someone who could just sit there and hold me without me somehow ruining it all and breaking their heart?

I made a mental note to do what I could to never date anyone who had another single male friend.

I started thinking of the future. Would I find my future husband in Utah? If so, could I ever tell him about my past? Could I tell him how I fell in love with Matt and spent years loving him more than anything in the world? Could I tell him how I'd spent a year of my life ruining my self esteem and letting Joseph and Riley lead me on? Could I tell him how I spent New Years Eve in the arms of my first high school love, all while fully intending on driving away the next morning?

"Deep in thought?" Josh asked, snapping me out of my trip to the future.

"Sleepy." I shrugged and leaned in closer to him.

"Come on, I'll walk you to your car." He patted my arm and helped me to stand up.

I grumbled as I thought of the cold, remembering that Chris' car didn't have a heater. Then just as I stepped out the front door I realised that this was it. This would be goodbye for Josh. This would be the last time I saw him. What was I supposed to do? How could you say goodbye to someone who had been such a big part of your life?

"I guess this is goodbye," I sighed as I reached the car and turned around to face him.

Before I could say another word, I felt Josh's hands on either side of my face as he leaned down and placed his lips on mine. A shiver went up my spine and I immediately found myself kissing him back. Despite the temperature outside being close to freezing, my body was suddenly filled with warmth as he continued kissing me. The once shy boy who waited two weeks before he ever kissed me, was now taking control of the situation like I'd always wanted him to.

"I. . . " I stuttered for a moment as he pulled away. "I don't really have to go to Utah." I grinned.

"Yes you do," Josh smiled and kissed me again. "I just wanted one last kiss."

"Yeah," I sighed. "Things are already packed and . . . stuff."

"Drive safe." Josh smiled and opened my door, taking one last moment to touch my cheek before I sat down in the car and turned the key.

Driving away I sighed. Why couldn't every goodbye end that well?

Happy Day to You and Yours

Happy Christmas to all my dear friends, family and readers. 

And because we come from all walks of life, culture and religion . . . let me add a Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, Happy Kwanza, Feliz Navidad and from our Irish-Scottish home . . . Nollaig Shona Daoibh and Nollaig Chridheil!

I wish you all the very best holidays and many blessings for the year to come!

Untypical Christmas Traditions

Being the people that we are, coming from the families that we did, and having the heritage that we do, Matt and I have tried to infuse our holidays and everyday lives with traditions from all walks of life. I just finished one of my most hated Christmas traditions, buying presents a few days before the big day. It's never my intention of course, but you have to live by the laws of the paycheck sometimes.

I spent the whole day with my mother in law, getting those last minute gifts (or all of them in my case) for everyone. It was a crazy day. People were in a rush, impatient, rude and snarky. I wish I was one of those people that could strike up a conversation with a stranger and somehow cheer them up in the process. Thankfully my mother in law is one of those people and discussed at length the troubles of sciatica pain with a man who stood in line with us for about twenty minutes. By the time we reached the register, we were all laughing and joking around. We tried our best to at least make the poor cashiers smile every now and then - it's clear they've been through hell today.

Right now though I'm relaxing and thinking about all the things I have left to do.

A pile of presents is waiting for me to wrap. A penguin ornament filled tree is standing next to the computer reminding me that Matt and I need to finish our 2011 penguin ornament to hang on the tree. The stockings are hung (though not yet stuffed) and there's the faint smell of dried fruit soaking in spices in the kitchen, readying itself for me to make barmbrack (a traditional Irish sweet bread) tomorrow. I make it on Christmas, even though traditionally it's made on Halloween, but I like it around this time of year because it reminds me of fruit cake (except it's not terrible LOL).

One tradition I won't be keeping this year is my homemade spiced peaches. Just didn't have the time or the money to get it done this year. Oh well, next Christmas is only twelve months away.

There are a few other traditions we have, one of which includes a ten dollar trip to the Dollar Tree where Matt and I buy each other small presents, and of course a marathon of Christmas movies that started last night with The Grinch, and will end with a massive overload of A Christmas Story on Sunday night.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and there's only one real tradition that I've kept myself for this day. Sometime at night before I go to sleep, I light a candle and place it in a front window (or sometimes on the porch if I was afraid of a fire) to light the way for the Holy Family. It's something I've done myself for the past several years, and this year will be no different (other than I bought an LED "candle" that won't have the potential to start any fires).

Earlier this month at a Church meeting for the women in our ward we all got to talk about traditions. We learned that there's a family in our ward who also celebrate Hanukkah. I love that and I'm honestly considering it for next year (in addition to Christmas). I'm always game for new holidays and traditions, especially when they involve cultures that we can incorporate into our celebrations. It may have been centuries and centuries ago, but I have Jewish ancestry (though it's more Irish and Scottish as the years get closer to me.)

One thing I've always envied my typical Irish Catholic ancestors is that every Christmas they would attend mass. My family and I are LDS (Mormon) and we only attend Church on Sundays, but thankfully this Christmas falls on a Sunday so you will find us bright eyed and bushy tailed sitting in the pews singing Christmas carols with the rest of the congregation. I'm really excited about it. There's something special to me about going to Church on Christmas - considering the reason for the season (at least for the Church goers).

One tradition that I haven't kept going is one that Motherly would always have at her house growing up. We wouldn't have a big meal of turkey or ham. We'd wake up at the crack of dawn, open all of our presents and by the time we'd finished cleaning up the wrapping paper (and tried on our new outfits) Motherly would have homemade hoagies in the oven warming up for Christmas lunch. Nothing tasted more like Christmas at the time! My sister Kristine and I recently recalled this and both of us excitedly reminisced about Christmases past and how we miss our holiday hoagies.

As the years go on I'm hoping to add more traditions to our holidays. Stories to be read (as well as scriptures), carols to be sung, crafts and cookies to be made and maybe . . . just maybe a tradition that involves not being at Walmart on Christmas Eve Eve.

Christmas Without Children

Warning: I'm totally going to buzz-kill your Christmas spirit.

---

Sometimes in the middle of the holiday rush I'm reminded of the burden and pain that comes with infertility. The fact that I do not have children does not escape me. I'm constantly being reminded of it by strangers who ask when we plan on having children - as if we don't want them. Reminded by family who say little things in passing as if we are purposely trying to avoid having kids. Reminded by myself and the empty spaces over the fireplace where extra Christmas stockings should be hanging, but aren't.

I have a hard time with holidays that are supposed to be focused on children.

I want to make and decorate Christmas cookies with a toddler for the first time.

I want to take adorable pictures of my kids wrapped in Christmas lights.

I want to send out photo Christmas cards with our family photos.

I want to hang paper ornaments on the tree that are signed with crayon and dated by age instead of year.

I want to fill my children's eyes with the magic of Santa (and then possibly ruin that by having them get their picture taken with him at the mall).

I want to sing Christmas carols with someone who never wants to stop.

I want to experience Christmas lights with a little one for the first time.

I want to be woken up early on Christmas morning with the excited words, "It's Christmas!"

I want the winter pageants and the snowmen and the snow angels and passing on the Christmas traditions that Matt and I have created for ourselves.

But right now I have no one to pass them onto.

And the holidays are a constant reminder of that.

---

No sympathy comments please. If you're going to comment at all, tell me one holiday tradition that you are going to / are currently passing onto your own children.

UPrinting Postcard Giveaway *Closed*

One of my favourite sites, UPrinting is offering another giveaway to my readers!

I absolutely love this company and the product they produce. With their last giveaway I was able to receive a little prize myself to see what my readers would be in store for and I was really pleased with the quality!

Giveaway Information

What You Could Win:

- 100 pcs Postcards for one winner
- 5” x 7”, 14pt Cardstock Gloss, No Folding
- Front Only Printing
- 14pt Cardstock Gloss / Matte / High Gloss (UV), or 13pt Cardstock Uncoated
- 2 Business Days Turnaround time
- Free US shipping only

Entry Requirements:

1.
Click the above button to Like the UPrinting Postcard Page then share in the comments below how you would use the postcards if you win the giveaway.

2. Tweet
Click the above button to tweet about the giveaway then leave a comment below including the link to your tweet.

Additional Entries (optional):

Like UPrinting on Facebook
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Leave a comment per additional entry.

Restrictions:

Giveaway will end December 27th and a winner will be announced here December 28th.
Open to US residents only, must be 18 and above to enter.
Winners are allowed to win only once over a six-month period.

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Winner: Congrats Meagan Goepferich!

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Disclaimer: This giveaway is sponsored by UPrinting, no monetary compensation was given and I will receive postcards for hosting.

Love, Yourself (December Update)

For those just tuning in, last year I wrote letters to myself that will automatically post on my blog each month throughout the year. It's my way of keeping up with progress and showing myself the difference an entire year can really make. Instead of obsessing on the little things, I'm looking at the big picture.

So earlier this month the letter I'd written myself from December 2010 posted.

And here is the difference that one year can make.

December was when I started writing these letters to you. You were realistically motivated for the first time and you admitted that you could not get healthy on your own. Your friend Charlie created a blog for you and began teaching you about eating habits and how to get on the right track to losing weight.

Things have been a little slow on the weight loss front. But they are going to get better. I'm back in motivation mode and after losing 100 pounds herself, Charlie is back to help me overcome my own issues and excuses.

This month has been good so far emotionally. Only one panic attack. You're feeling upbeat more often than not and you feel good about the future. Keep that up. You'll do just fine.

Though no panic attacks, this month has gone down on the depression scale. I can always tell when I'm in a depression funk, and for some reason this winter has got a good hold of me. It may also have a lot to do with my insomnia which can fluctuate every day. But I'm trying. It's hard, but it's a baby step type of thing. You don't wake up one day cured of mental illness, and I know that. Sometimes all I can do is wake up and put clothes on, and sometimes that enough.

This month you weighed 250 pounds, and . . . you spend the month fighting your way to staying healthy. You get sick every year and this year it was a daily struggle to avoid catching the flu, a cold or any random virus. You also injured your wrist because you put all your weight on it while moving in bed. You also started getting migraines this month that were so painful it pretty much put you out of commission for days.
 

Still got sick. Not nearly as bad as last year though, which was amazing. I still have migraines but those also come with the insomnia. I'm hoping that when our new insurance kicks in come New Year, I'll get to the doctor and get ALL of my issues sorted out one by one. Oh and on the scale front, I am at 238 as of this morning. I've gained a few pounds since last month, but I am NOT 250 anymore. Twelve pounds down from a year ago, that's still progress.

This is what you looked like in December 2010.

December 2010

 This is what you look like now, December 2011

December 2011

Love, Yourself (December)

Dear Jia,

December was when I started writing these letters to you. You were realistically motivated for the first time and you admitted that you could not get healthy on your own. Your friend Charlie created a blog for you and began teaching you about eating habits and how to get on the right track to losing weight.

Christmas was good this year and you know what? You worry way too much, sistah friend. Next year just prepare a little more in advance and assume that Matt will want to throw a party last minute again, then you'll automatically be ready.

This month has been good so far emotionally. Only one panic attack. You're feeling upbeat more often than not and you feel good about the future. Keep that up. You'll do just fine.

This month you weighed 250 pounds, and . . . you spend the month fighting your way to staying healthy. You get sick every year and this year it was a daily struggle to avoid catching the flu, a cold or any random virus. You also injured your wrist because you put all your weight on it while moving in bed. You also started getting migraines this month that were so painful it pretty much put you out of commission for days.

This is what you looked like in December 2010. You loved how your hair and makeup looked in the mirror but the camera told a different story and you couldn't bring yourself to smile. You photoshopped this picture and still weren't happy with it. Please stop taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom lighting. They never turn out that great.

So take a picture of yourself today, December 2011 and post it tomorrow along with the progress you have made.

Love,


Yourself

Untypically in Love: The Hardest Part of Love . . .

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Thirty-Eight
The Hardest Part of Love . . .

"Jessi . . . Matt was in a car crash tonight."

All at once I felt my body begin to buckle inwards as I clutched the phone painfully to my ear and made a quick, "Quiet!" to my chit chatting roommates. Bringing the phone back up to my face, I fought back tears as I spoke.

"What do you mean Matt was in a car crash?" I asked as adrenaline pumped into my body, urging me to get off my ass and do something, but petrified, all I could do was sit and wait. The length of her pauses made it all the worse. They were seemingly endless and I begged her to tell me it all at once, like a band-aid. Rip it off and let me feel the real pain.

"He's okay," she finally said.

I exhaled through grit teeth, an attempt to breathe while at the same time prevent the possibility of vomiting that my stomach seemed very keen on doing. My body began to relax as I passed the word to my prying friends, though my hand still cramped itself around the telephone like a vice.

"What happened?" I asked her. "Where are you?"


"We're at the Emergency Room," she replied, trying to multitask a conversation between me and a nurse.

"In the ER?" Panic rose again. "I thought he was okay?" Gaining the strength in my legs, I stood and moved the conversation into the other room, shutting the door behind me, though I could hear at least two of my roommates as they pressed their ears against the door.

"Well it was a real car accident, and he did get hurt. But the doctors say he'll be okay. They're running a few tests and scans to make sure there's no brain damage."

"He hit his head?" In my mind I tried to recall the last words I said to him. They couldn't have been great. They might have even been when I broke it off with him, for no good reason at all. How could I have been so stupid. Considering my mother, aunt and Grandmother had all died I should have known better than to leave someone I loved with not so loving words.


"How did it happen?" I asked, secretly praying that whoever was driving hadn't been drinking. The last thing I needed right now was to go down to the ER and start breaking bones.

"Bad weather, bad driving. They had the right of way but someone tried to turn when they weren't supposed to. Hit them pretty hard. Matt hit his head into the window . . . yes, I just thought I should call her." I could hear Matt's Mom talking to someone, most likely his Dad.

"Tell him I . . ." I paused to notice she wasn't listening just yet.


"Sorry sweetie, what was that?" She asked.


"I said . . . umm . . . I'm glad he's okay." And then we both hung up the phone.

Walking out into the living room, I put the phone back and smiled politely at my roommates and friends before silently stepping out onto the front porch and letting out a painful - though muffled - cry. My knees buckled and I leaned up against the walls of my home, pulling my arms in tight against me as the crisp winter air blew across my skin.


"He okay?" Audra asked as she came outside, smart enough to bring her own sweater, plus another for me. I refused it at first, but took it the second time around when I saw the snow really begin to fall on our front lawn.

"Mom says he's okay. Getting scanned." I sighed loudly and watched the heat from my words rise up in smoke and then drift off into the wintery ether before vanishing altogether. "I don't know what I would have done, Audra." I shook my head.


"Done what?" She asked, scooting closer to me so we could stay warm together. "If Matt died?"

"I can let him go, I've done it in the past so many times, and I've hurt him each time . . . it's easier when I'm the bad guy I guess," I shook my head. "But Audra . . . if he died . . . I just don't know what I would do." Immediately the tears began falling down my cheeks and I became completely inept at stopping them.


"Matt's not dead," she tried consoling me. "He's fine, you're fine. There's nothing to worry about. Well, there is one little thing you should at least be aware of?"

"Oh?" I sniffled and wiped my tears away on the sleeve of my sweater. "And what's that?"

Audra smiled sadly. "You're still in love with Matt."

"Don't," I stood up and began walking away. "I let him go. That's not what this is about."


"It's what it's been about for the last several years. You love Matt, you know it, I know and I bet you anything he knows it too." She reached out and took my arm, pulling me around to face her. "You need to make some decisions before you get all your bags packed and ready to go for Utah."

"I made my decision Audra," I sighed. "I ended things with Matt. Do I worry about him? Yes, of course. But this changes nothing."


"Well if you're telling the truth, which I doubt," she smirked. "You still have to get some closure with Josh."

"Josh made it very clear that we're just friends." I pointed out.

"Sometimes I don't think the three of you has ever made anything very clear. You're in love with two men my friend." She opened the front door. "You need to deal with that. And soon."

I clumped down on the front porch as Audra shut the door behind her. Glancing inside, I watched the rest of my friends open presents and then fight over what Christmas movie we were going to watch. In the corner, underneath the small tree I noticed two remaining presents for me. One left a week earlier by Josh, and another dropped off two days ago by Matt. I hadn't opened either just yet.

The metaphors were overwhelming.


"Merry Christmas." I sighed.

When actual Christmas Eve rolled around, I found myself arriving at Matt's home, the place where I'd spent every Christmas Eve since I was fifteen. Matt's parents insisted, especially since I didn't have any family in town on Christmas day. It was awkward at first, as it always was when Matt and I weren't generally on speaking terms.

"I'm glad you're okay," I managed to get out when his parents were in the kitchen finishing the dishes.

Matt remained fixated on the television, searching through the guide to remind himself which channel would be playing twenty-four hours of A Christmas Story, his favourite holiday movie. "Thanks," he muttered.

A few more casually kind words were exchanged before everyone went to bed. I snuggled up on the living room couch by myself, my eyes looking around the room that was lit up by the Christmas tree in the corner of the room, stacks of presents piled underneath - many of which surprisingly for me.

I realised that this could possibly be the last time I saw this house, at least for a while. I was moving in a week, Chris and I had planned to start our new lives on the first day of a new year. Bags were packed and all that was left was to say goodbye and according to Audra . . . get closure.

I breathed in the smell of the blanket that covered me, trying to memorize it for the cold nights in Utah when I'd probably find myself missing New Mexico, and everyone in it. I sat up to fluff my pillow and glanced down the hallway where I noticed that Matt's bedroom light was still on. Summoning up whatever courage I could, I stood up and walked to the door, lightly knocking on it.

"Yeah?" I heard from the other side.

"Can't sleep?" I asked as I opened the door to find Matt sitting on his bed, an X-box controller in hand.


"Not really." He said, not taking his eyes off the screen.

I walked into the room uninvited and sat down beside him, glancing at the small bandage on the side of his head, the one reminder of the nightmare of a phone call I'd gotten earlier in the week. "Does it hurt?" I asked.

Matt shrugged. "Little bit." He adjusted the bandage. "My glasses press on it every now and then."

"You'll probably have a pretty cool scar," I smirked. "Remember when we were younger and we spent like an hour on the phone telling each other how we got all of our scars?" I laughed.

"Why are you here?" He asked, setting the controller down and finally bringing his eyes to meet mine.

Caught off guard, I turned away from him. "It's Christmas," I shrugged.

"And this isn't your family." 

"You're right. But it still feels like it is." I tried to keep myself from tearing up.

"You can't just leave me for no good reason, tell me you're moving to Utah with another guy and then show up for the holidays." His voice was bitter, and while had good reason for it, it was still hard to hear.

"I'm not moving to Utah with Chris, he's just a friend." I argued.

"That's besides the point." He sighed. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to have you here right now?" He asked.


"It's hard for me too," I whispered. "I may have been the one to put an end to everything but I didn't do it because I stopped caring about you. I did it because you deserve better."

"You don't get to decide that for me." He winced a little and took off his glasses to rub at the bandage. "I'm a grown man and I can decide for myself what I deserve."


"What have I ever done to make you want me?" I asked him. "Sometimes I think you and Josh both are just glutton for punishment." I scoffed and stood up. "Look, hate me all you want Matt, maybe it's better that way. And after this week I'll be gone forever. Make your own decisions then." I stood up and walked out of the room.

Closure. Yeah, right.

I crawled back onto the couch swallowing my emotions. It would be easier this way. I couldn't tell him how I really felt. It wouldn't change anything. I was moving and he was staying here.

"One down." I sighed and contemplated how well my final goodbye with Josh would go over.

>>> Chapter Thirty-Nine

ooShirts.com Helps Me Spread the Message - Don't Drink and Drive

About a month ago I was contacted by a representative from ooShirts.com, a company that specialises in helping you create custom t-shirts for great prices. They offered me a couple of custom t-shirts in exchange for a review, like many reviews go.

And I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my t-shirts.

I sent my idea back to the representative who was excited and on board for my design.


The design process is incredibly easy to navigate. You can upload a design or photo, add text (in many different fonts) and you can add designs to both the back and front of the t-shirt. They offer over 30 different colors of shirts, in short sleeve, long sleeve, tank top, sweatshirt, hoodies, ladies, unisex, youth . . . just about everything you can think of. And the quality of the shirts are really good. Very comfortable.

As for the actual design, I was concerned. The image I used was colorful and detailed. But it came through flawless, and didn't have that heavy feeling that you get on some shirts where the design or image kind of hangs on the shirt. I am more than pleased with the overall process.

And ooShirts.com can now say that they are helping to spread the message - Don't Drink and Drive.

Remembering Days Without Depression

I noticed something today.

I was reading a friends blog where she was talking about redecorating her home. Beautiful pictures of the result of hours of hard work. Immediately I thought, "Why can't I do something like that?"

And then I realised that I do that a lot. The compare thing. Come on, you know you've done it too. The thing with depression though is that we do this a lot. We compare ourselves to others who aren't depressed because we can't understand how they are able to do normal everyday things when we aren't.

But if you've ever been depressed you already know this.

I noticed something new today.

I've functioned before.

I used to be the girl who had a need to decorate and rearrange furniture monthly. In the early years of our marriage Matt would come home from a day at work to find the entire house spotless and the furniture completely rearranged into something new and beautiful. I did this a lot.

Even in the past few years when my depression has really put down roots, I've had moments, sometimes even months when I function properly. Days where I'm filled with motivation, inspiration and energy. Days where I'm able to clean my house, be organized, laugh, and days when I'm even able to get out of my pajamas and wash my hair.

There are even blog posts to prove it.

But I don't remember them.

I remember the day, sure. I remember the result and I remember that I did in fact function without the weight of depression on my shoulders. But I don't remember what it feels like.

It's this lapse in memory that makes looking at others function properly so much harder to deal with.

Like some kind of emotional amnesia.

I can't be certain, but I wonder if others with depression go through the same thing.

I think this is where blogging works as a good personal therapy for depression. It's proof that depression doesn't keep me fully in the dark. It certainly tries, but blogging about the good times creates cracks in the darkness where a little light can shine through and remind me that at one point, I felt good.

Reminds me that I may feel broken, but I can be put back together again.

Facebook Changes

Hey y'all.

So because Facebook has been making all these changes and such lately, I've been noticing less and less activity on my Facebook page from readers. Because of this (and my lack of focus in having two facebook pages) I asked you all last week what you think I should do. By a unanimous vote, I've decided to merge my Facebook pages into one.

If you're currently following my Facebook page, you'll want to click over to my main profile and add me as a friend and make sure you're subscribed to my status updates. I'll leave the other page up for a week or so to let everyone switch over, but then I'll be deleting it.

Hopefully this will help me connect better with you, my readers, because isn't that what Facebook is all about? (Other than stalking your ex, spying on your friends and watching your parents attempt to figure out the internet.)

All I Want for Christmas is an EdenFantasys Giveaway! *Closed*

Okay so it's not the only thing I want for Christmas, and to be honest I'd like it year round.

But I'm taking some of my reserved holiday cheer to brag a bit about EdenFantasys gift guide. If you're looking for the perfect present for your significant other or even a great inappropriate gift for your friends and family to open publicly (which will embarrass them even though you know they secretly really wanted it), then look no further than my favourite Naughty Wish List at EdenFantasys.

It's no secret that I love the products at EdenFantasys. And I'm really excited about their expanding bath and body selection.Which now includes bath and shower items, skin care treatments and even makeup!

I also have a real love for their lingerie because they offer great deals for plus sized gals like myself. Their lingerie is both flattering and comfortable, and at prices that are actually reasonable for something you'll only wear for about 30 seconds (depending how fast your husband can unwrap you).

Now because it's the holidays I'm giving away a free gift to one lucky reader!

Vanilla Snow Woman Glistening Trio!

Kit comes with Vanilla snow woman glistening body wash,Vanilla snow woman glistening body mousse and Pink icicle lip gloss so you can check out the bath and body selections of EdenFantasys yourself!

So if you're hoping for some Christmas gifts to pamper yourself (or if you're looking to warm up during a wintery storm with your hubby), then leave a comment below answering the following question:

Who are you kissing underneath the mistletoe?

(if you don't have a significant other right now, you can say "chocolate cookies")

For an extra entry visit the EdenFantasys Gift Guide and tell me one thing you'd wish someone would get you for Christmas.

This giveaway will end Tuesday, December 13th at Midnight and a winner will be chosen Wednesday morning.

---

Update 12/14: Congrats to the winner Amy Orvin!


This giveaway is sponsored by EdenFantasys , no monetary compensation was given. I receive a similar gift for hosting.

Happy Birthday, Mom

My mother should be turning 47 today.

But instead she'll be 21 forever.

Because someone else decided to drink and drive.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

My gift to you will be to always remind the world to never drink and drive.

So other girls can celebrate their Mom's 47th birthday with them.

Seeking Owners Manual for Adult Female

I feel like I should be an adult by now.

I do many adult things.


(There was a list of "adult" things that I do or have done and then I realised that a lot of those things also happened when I was a teenager so they shouldn't count. So I removed the list.)

But really, when it comes down to it I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time.

I'm twenty-seven years old. I've been married for almost eight years. I've held countless jobs, many in management, and I've accomplished a great deal in my life.

But I always manage to put myself between rocks and hard places.

There are many things I need to accomplish off of my adult to do list.

I have four wisdom teeth that need removing. Two of them have been causing me huge problems for over three years. I have put this off constantly because I use the excuse "we can't afford it". That's an excuse I use a lot. It's the go to excuse when all other excuses fail.

So what, I should get a job or something right?

Okay well here's another kicker . . . I don't drive.

My drivers license expired around five years ago (give or take) and I never renewed it. I had planned to renew it, but it just kept getting put off again and again and again. I didn't have time, I didn't have a way to get there, I forgot, and ultimately . . . I couldn't afford it.

Now I don't even know where to begin about getting a new one, which will cost a bunch more because I'll have to retake all the tests. Oh, and I still can't afford it.

Christmas is coming soon, and we don't have a tree up. We have a tree, sure, but instead of putting it and decorations up this weekend, we spent our time in our den watching a marathon of Cake Boss and then a bunch of scary movies. That's it. That's all that was accomplished.

Between paying bills, taking care of health issues, celebrating holidays (without it being last minute), and many many more things, I just don't do things. I used to be able to. Somewhere between 18 and 19 years old I was a fully functional adult. I worked fourteen hours a day at a job I hated (okay so fully functional but not quite happy), I paid all my bills, I found an apartment on my own, planned a wedding, created a savings account (and contributed to it), saw the doctor frequently, took care of dental issues right away, and I even managed to find time for holidays and family.

But somehow things are moving backwards.

A big part of depression is avoiding the things that stress you out. Like bills for instance. You avoid and avoid until they are in collection and then you avoid some more. Talking to bill collectors is stressful and living paycheck to paycheck just doesn't work into a debt reduction plan very often.

Sometimes I wish I had a manual (or instructor) that could tell me, "Okay, it's Monday and you have this much money available to you, it needs to be spent on this. You can go about doing that by taking these steps." It would also include reminders to change the oil in the car, do my taxes, put up the damn Christmas tree and somewhere in the back of the manual it would show me a prediction of what life would be like if I followed the manual properly.

(And yes, I can already see the whole manual=scriptures thought that's popping in at least four of your heads right now.)

It may be a mental illness thing. Especially all the avoidance. But I'm so tired of avoiding. It gets really exhausting and I know that things won't get better if I sit in the corner and just wish them to. But damn, that first step is hard.

Especially without an owners manual.