Love, Yourself (November Update)

For those just tuning in, last year I wrote letters to myself that will automatically post on my blog each month throughout the year. It's my way of keeping up with progress and showing myself the difference an entire year can really make. Instead of obsessing on the little things, I'm looking at the big picture.

So earlier this month the letter I'd written myself from November 2010 posted.

And here is the difference that one year can make.

November of last year you started really feeling the effects of your health problems. Fatigue was the biggest one. I'm not sure yet what we're going to do about it, but I'm hoping that by the time you read this, you've figured it out for the both of us.

Unfortunately no. Between dealing with mental illness, weight problems, infertility (which means hormones y'all).. the possibilities include thyroid issues, a number of other problems or something as simple (though not really) as Winter Blues. Either way, this time of year never works well for me (other than Thanksgiving). I'm always tired, always sick, and always a whiny little baby, lol.

Thanksgiving was amazing. You worked so hard to get everything done and it turned out great. This year here's a few tips. Make two turkeys because you're going to want leftovers this year. Also, when word spreads about your amazing food, there will be more people at your table this year.

Strangely there were less people, but it didn't mean it was any less amazing! Even though all of the parents were in Colorado - (Motherly because she lives there, and the inlaws because Matt's brother moved his family there recently) - my little sister came over and brought the kiddo with her. She and Trey spent Thanksgiving with Matt and I and it turned out amazing. Also, two turkeys wasn't needed. Just one BIG ol' twenty-two pounder.

This month you weighed 251 pounds, and you were dealing with a lot of swelling. I really hope you figure out what is with the swelling you get every now and then cause seriously, our feet and hands are so achy right now. Of course that might be because we were on our feet for three days straight preparing for Thanksgiving.
 

Swelling remains. It's gonna be an autumn tradition I guess. But I'm still proud because I didn't gain too much over Thanksgiving. And I certainly weigh less than I did this time a year ago! As of Saturday morning, I weighed in at 236.  

This is what you looked like in November 2010. One of your favourite pictures. Call Kristine and have her and Trey over so you can get another one and compare the two. It'll be good to see how you've (hopefully) shrunk, and how Trey has grown.

November 2010

November 2011

If Turkeys Could Talk

I've got a 22 pounds big boy ready to go for today. 22 pounds for myself, my husband and my little sister. The in-laws drove up to Colorado to spend the holiday with Matt's brother and the grandkids, and even though we love our family and would have loved to have spent the holiday with them . . . Thanksgiving is mine.

Since I learned how to cook a bird it's been my holiday. Everyone else can keep their Christmases, Easters and Halloweens, but Thanksgiving . . . is mine.

I get very predatory about cooking when it comes to Thanksgiving. Just thinking up ways I can torture this poor bird. I'm an animal lover for sure, but I have very little sympathy for anything that's already residing in my freezer (except for the squirrel that my FIL caught on a recent hunting trip that I've yet been able to get the guts to grill.)

So I'm cooking Thanksgiving for my small family this year, but it's still mine. I'm doing up my usual bacon butter and herb stuffed turkey (in that amazing brine I used last year), colcannon, green bean casserole, homemade cranberry sauce, homemade sausage stuffing and I'm pretty sure there's at least one other thing that I'm forgetting at the moment. The only difference between this year and the last couple is that I didn't do my hot orchard apple spice pies. I went and just bought a pumpkin one from the store. Because I have enough to cook already, and I've been craving some store bought pumpkin pie.

I've had requests in the past for my recipe for my turkey, so I thought I'd try something a little different (because I've already prepped everything in the kitchen, and I'm bored now):

Jia's Bacon Herb Butter 

Stuffed Turkey

"Hello! I'm Thomas the Turkey!"

1. Buy yourself a big ol' turkey, preferably one from the store unless you like killing them yourself. I usually go Butterball myself, and almost always around the 20 pound mark.

Thomas: Wait . . . what do you mean by kill?

2. Take your turkey out of the freezer about 2-3 days before the big day. You'll need around 12-18 hours for brining, so figure that into the defrost schedule. Put the turkey in a big container in your fridge to thaw, and ignore it for several days.

Thomas: *gasp* It's . . . so . . . c-c-cold in there. Thank you f-f-for rescuing me from this giant ice box. Oh, it's much warmer in here. Hey . . . where are you going? Don't close the doo-!

3. A few days later when the turkey is nice and defrosted, take it out of the fridge and give it a nice water bath. 

Thomas: You left me in there for three days! Three days! Do you know how depressing it is to listen to your leftovers talk?! Hey . . . oh well, if you insist on giving me a bath and a massage.

4. Make sure to pull the bag out from the inside. 

Thomas: *cough* Umm . .  that's not mine. I'm  . . . holding it for a friend.

5. Rinse and set aside while you make your brine (recipe in link above. I use Pioneer Woman's brine but I make a few adjustments to the amount of salt, plus I add mustard seeds and I cut the apple juice out completely.)

Thomas: Whatcha maaaaking? Smells good.

6. Take a big bucket (Matt bought one off of a sandwich shop a while back. They get them when they buy pickles in bulk and we bought ours off of them for like two bucks. Doesn't hurt to ask.) Clean the bucket, then add a large (unscented) trash bag. Put the turkey in the bag and pour the cooled brine over the top. Tie the bag, put the top on the bucket.

Thomas: *screams loudly* Nooooo! I can't swim!!! *gurgle gurgle*

7. Place bucket outside (or in your garage if it's cool enough). It needs to be kept cold, but not freezing. If it's not cold enough in your area, put ice in the brine (or around the bag inside the bucket). You can also just do up the brine in your fridge if you have enough room. Leave for 12-18 hours, or overnight.

Thomas: Please! Let me out! I'm ready to talk! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!

8. You'll make your bacon and herb butter the same day as the brine (or days ahead, doesn't matter as long as it has time to harden before the big day). Take a package of bacon and chop it into small pieces, then place into a kitchen aid mixer and three sticks of (cold) butter roughly chopped. Allow it to mix for about fifteen minutes. Scrape down the sides every so often, and by the time the fifteen minutes are up the bacon should be pulverized and mixed into the butter completely. Add in your choice of herbs. I use a little bit of rosemary, sage, savory, parsley and of course garlic. Mix together. Then scoop out the butter onto a large roll of plastic wrap and form into a log. Wrap tightly and stick in the fridge to harden.

9. Take the turkey out of the brine, rinse and lightly pat dry.

Thomas: You're a monster! Just cook me and be done with it!

10. Slice the bacon butter into small circles and slide under the skin of the turkey . . . all over. You'll have a little butter left over at the end (good for sauteing veggies for your stuffing or just anything else). I even cut slits in the legs, wings and thighs and put a good chunk of the butter underneath.

Thomas: It's like the Saw movies for Turkeys! OMG why are you doing this! Wait . . . do I smell bacon? Is . . . is that . . . Piggy? Is that you? Oh I'm gonna be sick. What did you do to my friend!? 

11. Preheat oven to 325, and stick the turkey in a roasting pan. Cook for 4 1/2 hours, checking after about 2 1/2 hours to see how it looks. For the last hour or so, cover with tin foil so the skin doesn't burn.

Thomas: . . . . (Don't worry, he's totally dead at this point. I mean you froze him, drowned him and stuffed him with the remnants of other farm animals before sticking him in a foil covered inferno.)

12. Remove turkey, cover with foil again and then allow to set for about a half hour to an hour before cutting up. Use juices for making gravy (but be sure to taste as you go because between the bacon, the butter and the brine it'll already be super salty.)

Love, Yourself (November)

Dear Jia,

November of last year you started really feeling the effects of your health problems. Fatigue was the biggest one. I'm not sure yet what we're going to do about it, but I'm hoping that by the time you read this, you've figured it out for the both of us.

You really started to think inwardly this month. Self esteem was big on your to do list and you wanted to make a difference. I hope you continue to do so.

Thanksgiving was amazing. You worked so hard to get everything done and it turned out great. This year here's a few tips. Make two turkeys because you're going to want leftovers this year. Also, when word spreads about your amazing food, there will be more people at your table this year.

This month you weighed 251 pounds, and you were dealing with a lot of swelling. I really hope you figure out what is with the swelling you get every now and then cause seriously, our feet and hands are so achy right now. Of course that might be because we were on our feet for three days straight preparing for Thanksgiving.

This is what you looked like in November 2010. One of your favourite pictures. Call Kristine and have her and Trey over so you can get another one and compare the two. It'll be good to see how you've (hopefully) shrunk, and how Trey has grown.

So take a picture of yourself today, November 2011 and post it tomorrow along with the progress you have made.

Love,

Yourself

Untypically in Love: What's Really Important

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Thirty-Seven
What's Really Important

A plan was immediately put into motion. Audra, Chris and I were moving to Utah. Except Audra ultimately wouldn't be coming. Her family had made plans of their own, to move to Arizona and she had decided that she would be going with them. Chris and I were steady in our resolve. Even if he hadn't wanted to go, I would have begged for money for a plane ticket to get out of New Mexico.

I needed to leave it all behind me.

As much as I knew I would miss my family and friends, I knew there were only two regrets I would be leaving behind me. Matt and Josh.

Chris and I had actually asked Josh to come with us, but family and a job kept him grounded in New Mexico for the time being. It didn't matter though. I was happier than I'd been in a long time. Despite not coming with us, Josh spent more time with me during those last few weeks than in the entire year combined.

Matt on the other hand wasn't speaking to me.

I'd gone to Church one Sunday back in my old family ward so I could tell Matt in person that I was moving. The last thing I wanted was for him to hear it from someone else. When we met up face to face it was like I was looking into a strangers eyes. Something very important was missing and I didn't know what. I told him that I was moving and he mumbled something about having a safe trip and then left the room. At the time I didn't know if he was upset I was leaving, upset that I'd shown up at all, or didn't care either way.

His parents on the other hand were both saddened by my choice to move, but thrilled for me and my future in Utah.

The holidays were impacting, but came and went too fast.

Every second until Halloween was spent building the haunted house in Chris' garage. By the time the big night came, Chris, Audra and I were so hopped up on sugary donuts that we could barely pour the fake blood all over ourselves without spilling. The turnout was great and it was an artistic expression the likes of which I would never forget.

"I'm never going to get this blood out of my hair," I laughed as I sat back on the curb of Chris' driveway looking up at the stars.

"Red's a good look for you," Audra chuckled.

"I think I'm gonna dye it again. Joseph never wanted me too. He didn't want me to cut my hair either." I rolled my eyes. "I had to look normal, appropriate or something." I sighed, still enjoying my newfound weightless self.

"You going to turn into a biker chick now to rebel?" Chris asked.

"No, but the first thing I'm going to do when I get to Utah is cut and dye my hair," I declared. "Then maybe get a tattoo." We all shared a laugh and then a bag of candy.

The roommates gathered together for Thanksgiving, breaking bread over three boxes of pizza because we were all too chicken to cook a turkey. By December Audra spent less and less time with us. Tina decided it was time to move back home, having reconciled with her parents. One by one all of the roommates moved out until it was just Tara, Chris and I.

One weekend in early December I took Tara down to the apartment offices and signed the lease over to her. She and Derek were engaged to be married and I hoped that having a brand new love nest all to themselves would be a good goodbye present from me.

Having stuffed most of our belongings in Chris' tiny green car, the apartment was barren with the exception of a Charlie Brown-ish Christmas tree which was held up by the dozens of Christmas presents surrounding it. Most were the same shape, all of us having stuffed gifts into empty Pepsi boxes before wrapping with newspaper and masking tape.

Since we all had families to go home to for Christmas, we decided to have our own little holiday gathering a week early and open all of our presents together. All of the old roommates packed themselves into the small living room and began handing over the gifts. Many were joke gifts, and everything from Tina was slightly inappropriate. Gifts given by Audra were incredibly personal, and anything from Chris or I was handmade since all spare change we had was being put toward the move. Tara bought the best gifts because she had the highest paying job.

Sitting there among my friends, people who had helped carry me during my darkest hours and build me back up again, I didn't think I could be happier. I sat in the middle of the floor, opening a gift over the black spot in the carpet where I had set a pile of Joseph's pictures on fire. I ran my hand against the black mark and laughed to myself before tearing into another Pepsi packaged stuffed animal.

"Say hi to the camera!" Tina grinned, having found my old video recorder.

"Ugh, I look like crap." I threw wrapping paper at her and then was immediately distracted by Audra.

"Did you get everything you wanted?" Audra asked.

"Well there seems to be a good looking male missing." I smirked.

"Oh, you didn't invite Josh?" Tina teased.

"Funny," I rolled my eyes. "We're just friends." I insisted.

RING!

Over the commotion I couldn't hear the phone.

"Someone hand me that big red box over there.."

RING!

"This one's for Tara.."

RING!

"We should go caroling!"

"No."

RING!

"Hey," Audra held out the phone to me, and I turned to take it, expecting my aunt or sister on the other end wondering when I'd be stopping by this week to exchange gifts before they drove up to northern New Mexico to visit more family there.

"Hello?" I smiled, and waved to Tina as she focused the video camera in my face.

"Jessica?" I heard a mumbled voice on the other end.

"Yeah?" I covered my hand over my other ear. "Guys, quiet a sec. Hello?"

"Are you there?"

"Mom?" I asked, hearing Matt's mother's voice. "Hey, what's going on? We're doing our present exchange over here. Do you want me to bring your presents by later this week or wait until Christmas?"

There was a long pause.

"Hello?" I asked.

I thought I heard something, but I couldn't understand.

"Guys, shut up!" The room went silent. All eyes, and one video camera focused on me.

"Mom?" I asked again. "Are you there?"

"Sweetie . . . . there's been an accident." She said.

My heart dropped.

"What?" I whimpered softly.

"Jessi . . . Matt was in a car crash tonight."

>>> Chapter Thirty-Eight

I Believe in Magic

There is something very special about me.
And I'm not the only one.

Call it magic, divine nature, or just plain quirky.
There is something inside of me that makes me special.

When I was four years old, I thought I was a cat.
I would lap milk from a dish and purr when anyone would scratch my head.

When I was five I had imaginary friends.
They were Care Bears.

When I was six I imagined that I had super powers.
Pre-Power Rangers, I gave myself the name "Lightning Unicorn".
I believed that I could listen to the voices in the rain and would pretend that I had a secret lair built into the trunk of a large tree in the playground.
My friends and I would fight an evil witch who wanted to steal our powers.

When I was seven my Grandmother had a stroke and lost her ability to speak.
Even through her incoherent mumblings, I could understand her.
I felt connected.
When I was a young teenager, I predicted the death of my aunt.
I've had visions, seen spirits and felt the presences of angels.

For a year I thought I had the ability to control the wind.
I could feel the heartbeat of the earth when I placed my bare feet in the grass.
I felt connected to nature.

All my life I've believed that wolves are my kindred spirit.
And when I met one in real life, it brought me to tears.

I loved Anne Rice and vampires before there was Twilight.
And I still loved Twilight.
For a month in high school I wore fake vampire teeth.
I believe geeks like me make life interesting.

I am superstitious and traditional.
I do believe in faeries.
And I do not mock the good people for fear of retribution.
I love four leafed clovers.
And believe that redheads are lucky.

I believe that stories can make you feel special.
Even if they come in the form of books, television shows, movies or songs.
I have the word "Chosen" tattooed on my back because Buffy the Vampire Slayer made me fee strong - at least once.
And once is enough.

I secretly prepare myself for the possibility of a zombie apocalypse.
(You should too).

I love Jedi and Vulcans and Hobbits alike.

I love the Fantastic, the Incredible, the Astonishing, the Ultimate, the Amazing.
I am a true believer.
And I'm in love with Spider-Man.

When I was fourteen I met the love of my life.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe in soul mates and kindred spirits.

I am a Whedonite, a Browncoat, a Xenite, a Twihard, a Trekkie, and a Gleek.

I played Super Mario and Donkey Kong and I love Pokemon.
I still love My Little Pony, The Last Airbender and Looney Tunes.
I sing along to Disney movies and I still dream of being a Princess.

I can cry to the tune of Reba McIntyre Country, be touched by an Eminem Rap, moved by Lady Gaga, and dance my heart out to anything on Broadway.

I can speak a few phrases of Greek.
Not because I loved the country or the language.
But because I wanted to be an amazon.

I write fanfiction and I role play.

I believe the secret to life is being silly.
And that you should never pretend that you're someone you're not.

I have a family history that can be traced through Ireland, Scotland, and Wales.
Blood lines that go through the royalty of England, France and Spain.
Heritage that traces through ancient Rome, Egypt and Scandinavia
And I believe a bit of my ancestors still lives somewhere inside of me.

I believe I am a Daughter of God, and therefore have a divine nature.
I believe in heaven.
I believe God still speaks to mankind.
I believe in spiritual gifts.
And I know that I have a few of my own.

I believe that you can't be perfect.
But you can be on a path to perfection.

The sweet, the wonderful, the divine and the powerful exist in my life.

As do the geeky, the awkward, the strange and sometimes embarrassing.

I am many things.
And I wouldn't let go of any of it.

Because call it what you will . . . it makes me who I am, which is special.

And a little bit magical.

They Can't All Be Winners

I've gotten a lot of requests for more posts about the conversations between Matt and I. Which makes me think that Matt and I need to be funnier. I've been trying to provoke him into blog worthy conversations but he catches on too quickly and then starts talking about things that I would never put on my blog, so it ruins the whole post.

Anyways, this conversation took place between Matt and I tonight . . .

Me: Be right back, I'm going to go put your stupid pizza in the oven.

Matt: But I don't want a dumb pizza.

Me: Well you really don't have a choice. Your pizza was just born that way.

Matt: Can't I please have a smart pizza?

Me: I'll tell you what, I'll put a little extra cheese on your pizza and then I'll put it through college.

Matt: Yay!

Me: Community College.

Matt: Aww . . . but, can the pizza major in psychology?

Me: Liberal Arts.

Matt: Ugh.

Me: Still want the pizza?

Matt: *sigh* Yeah. I guess I'll love it no matter what.

Then there were a few inappropriately placed gay jokes which referenced sausage and pepperoni. Let's face it, even I'm a little embarrassed about this post.

Untypically in Love: Back Where We Started

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

---------------------

Chapter Thirty-Six
Back Where We Started

I drove to my aunt's house to visit with my family, at least that was the excuse I used to drop by Josh's house, which was just where it had been four years ago - right down the street. Josh opened the door and I smiled and held up the note he'd left me.

"Miss me, huh?" I smirked.

"Well it's been a while." Josh smiled and leaned against the door frame. "What've you been up to?" He asked.

"Oh you know, work and not much else." I laughed.

"Same here." He gestured to his work shirt, stained with car oil. "Just got off actually."

"I thought I smelled engine grease." I teased, though in reality I found the scent oddly attractive on him. Four years ago he'd been the awkwardly skinny boy who kissed me on the corner between our houses. We'd been fourteen years old and incredibly naive. Now here we were, eighteen years old, adults - technically. He stood a foot taller than me and those skinny arms had gained some muscle. All this time when I was busy dealing with my personal issues, Josh had gone behind my back and grown into a man.

"What are you up to tonight?" He asked.

"Why, you wanna ask me out?" I grinned, surprised at how forward and relaxed I was being.

"Depends on what you're doing." Josh shrugged casually.

"I'm actually going to a Church thing," I said proudly. "You should come." I all but insisted.

Josh came to the activity, met my new friends and fit right back into my life like he'd never left it. He stopped by the haunted house that Chris, Audra and I had been working on and helped every now and then. Every so often I'd come home from work and find a note from him, sitting on my couch.

It seemed like we'd gone right back to where we started.

Or so I thought.

An old friend from High School came into my work one day just as I was clocking out. We smiled, hugged and began chatting up about old times. Eventually the conversation came around to what we'd been up to since High School.

"We should hang out. I'm just getting off work, do you want to do something?" I asked.

"Oh, tonight's no good," she frowned. "I'm actually going on a date, strangely with your ex-boyfriend."

"Which one?" I laughed, hoping for her sake it wasn't Riley.

"Josh." She smiled.

My heart fell into my gut.

I smiled as best I could and promised her that we'd catch up again soon, and wished her fun on her date though secretly I was praying for her to have a massive acne breakout.

How had I been so stupid? Josh and I hadn't even gone out on a real date since reconnecting and here I was, assuming already that we were an exclusive item. Somehow between fourteen and eighteen I'd forgotten how things worked.

No, Josh and I were just friends now. Friends that flirted, but friends nonetheless and I couldn't begrudge him dating anyone else. After all, hadn't that been the point of leaving Matt? So he could find someone else and be happy without me? Why couldn't I give the same thing to Josh? I'd loved them both, hurt them both and in the end didn't feel worthy of either of them.

Old feelings of inadequacy began creeping up my spine. Just when my karma couldn't seem to get any worse, I arrived home just in time for the phone to ring.

"It's for you," Tina held it out to me and I reached for the receiver. "It's Joseph," she added.

I closed my eyes and groaned. Did he have some sort of bat signal that alerted him to whenever my insecurities were high and my status was single? Against my own better judgement, I answered the phone and talked to him. He gave me the same old song and dance. The romantic words whispered just before the "we can't do this anymore". He talked about how much he missed New Mexico, and yet how beautiful Indiana was and that I should come and visit him, even going so far as to insist upon buying me a train ticket just in time for Christmas. I told him I'd have to think about it before I hung up the phone.

I knew the danger there. I'd seen it before. Heartache like I'd never before known, and after all this time and all the hard work I'd done in trying to repair the broken pieces of my life? I couldn't do it anymore. It seemed like no matter how many times I tried to rebuild myself, someone or some thing was there to knock me down and watch as I scrambled to keep myself together.

As if I couldn't handle anymore, another straw was added to the camels back and I broke in the biggest of ways.

A meeting had been scheduled at work the following day for all of the managers. Nothing too serious was on the agenda. We would go over the numbers, an upcoming health inspection, and perhaps if we were lucky we'd all get a raise. The night before the meeting, I'd received a call from another of the managers. A warning. The meeting was in fact not about numbers or the health inspection, and certainly not about a raise.

A month earlier, a rotten little sixteen year old kid walked onto my shift. He clearly expected to get a paycheck for sitting on his ass, gameboy in hand while he sent dirty dishes back to the front of the restaurant when he was supposed to be washing them. After explaining his job description to him several times, I'd been pushed to my limit and called my manager requesting permission to fire him, especially after he called me several colorful words to my face. The boy insisted I didn't need to make the call as he would not be returning, and he left my shift never to be seen again.

He was however heard from. The call of warning came to me proclaiming that the boy had called in a complaint to our district manager crying that I had made the workplace uncomfortable for him. That not only did I not properly train him, but I ignored his questions and showed favoritism to my friends. And then came the sinker. This kid lied and said that I had been having sex in the managers office with... Riley.

"What?!" I screamed over the phone, the taste of vomit creeping up the back of my throat.

"Calm down, we all know it's not true. You two weren't even dating at the time this kid worked for us," my friend tried to assure me. "Besides, you're not that kind of girl."

"You're damn right! If I was ever even in the office with Riley it was because I was training him to become a manager! I was doing my job!" I could feel my pulse thumping against my forehead. I knew I couldn't control my love life, that was fairly clear. But the one thing I knew I had control over was my job - because I was good at it! I worked hard at it!

"Everyone knows this kid is lying, but they're saying they can't ignore it. Riley's not doing well anyways, so tomorrow at the meeting he's being demoted back down to a trainer instead of a manager."

"And me?" I asked.

"You're being transferred to another store."

"I can't be transferred," I began to panic. "My car broke down last week so now the only way I get to work is if I catch a ride with Tina or if I walk. I can't walk to any of the other stores, they're too far." What was happening to me?!

"I'm sorry, I'm just telling you what I was told."

I hung up the phone and began pacing furiously. I called Chris and Audra and vented to them about the situation. Thankfully the two of them were able to calm me down. That's when I made the decision. That job had been the one to introduce me to a whole new set of mistakes I kept making. I just couldn't work there anymore.

The following morning, I'd arrived to work after the meeting had been scheduled. Uniform and managers keys in hand I approached the front counter as my boss came up and said, "You missed the meeting."

I glanced down at my uniform, placing it in front of him silently. Very quickly he realised what had happened, and without a word, he turned around and walked away. I walked out the front door, unemployed, but my own person again.

Joseph called back that night as planned. Though when I answered the phone I took control.

"Let me guess, we can't do this anymore?" I asked.

"What?" He asked, caught off guard.

"What do you expect to happen when I go up to Indiana with you? Are you going to ask me to marry you? Are we going to live happily ever after? Do you expect me to go to Church with you or are you going to respect my beliefs?" I launched an attack of questions at him, having recently tasted what real control felt like.

"Well . . . " he paused. "You'd have to come to Church with me."

I sighed and stepped out of the apartment, phone in my hand while my roommates listened and watched from the front window.

"That's not going to happen. I deserve better than whatever life you're willing to offer me. I'm tired of changing myself for everyone else." As the words left my mouth I expected them to be filled with a venomous hatred for Joseph, but they weren't. They were just the facts. I was calm, collected and I felt inspired.

"Joseph, I'm not changing my beliefs for you. I'm not changing anything for you. Not anymore." I turned around and caught Audra staring at me with a look of relief on her face the likes of which I'd never before seen. I smiled. "I'm a daughter of God and He has someone for me. I don't know who he is yet, but when I find him he will love and respect me for who I am and he'll do it for eternity. You can't offer me any of that."

"So . . . so wait, what're you saying?" Joseph mumbled.

"I wish you every love and happiness this life has to offer, Joseph. As long as it has nothing to do with me. Don't call me again." 

I hung up the phone and felt a weight lifted off my shoulders so suddenly that I could have tipped over from the change. I let out a sigh of relief that came out sounding part triumphant scream and part exhausted cry. Audra rushed out the door and hugged me tight, tears in her eyes. Chris soon joined in and my other roommates stood around looking astonished.

"I can't believe she finally did it," Tina muttered, wide eyed.

"So how do you want to celebrate?" Chris laughed as he and Audra broke away from the group hug.

"Yeah, we need to do something massive!" Audra grinned.

I thought for a moment about the last year of my life. Losing Matt and Josh, being beaten down by my relationships with Joseph and Riley, not to mention work. I wanted a fresh start at life. I'd never felt more free.

"I want to move." I grinned. "Let's just pack up and move to Utah."

>>> Chapter Thirty-Seven

Costume Contest and Home Organization Notebook Giveaway Winners!

Congrats to Risela, owner of Black Rose Minerals site and blog. Who won the Costume Contest! Even though I didn't offer any prizes for the winner, I've gone ahead and added your link to my Sponsors list for one month of free advertising. If you have a button or something that you would like instead, let me know!

As for the Home Organization 101 Notebook giveaway winners . . . .

Katrina and Stephanie!

Congrats! I will be emailing your copies of the Home Organization 101 Notebooks later on today. I would like to thank SweetPea Lifestyle once more for sponsoring this giveaway!

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PS: If you haven't yet taken my blog survey, please do and help me out. Also, due to thoughts from the survey already (see, things can change if you take a moment to offer opinions) I'm going back and editing up some old chapters of Untypically in Love to include links at the bottom that will bring you to the next chapter (instead of having to go back to the index and click from there.) I've also been editing a few things to bulk up some of the chapters (and changed a few names instead of just using initials for some of the "characters".) I hope this makes it easier to read.

PPS: Expect a new chapter of Untypically in Love to post tomorrow!

This giveaway is sponsored by SweetPea Lifestyle, no monetary compensation was given. I receive a similar gift for hosting.

I Still Remember Grandma

Yesterday was the anniversary of something I don't actually want to remember.
So I guess it was partially good that I forgot.

It's been twelve years since my Grandmother died.

The last few days of her life I've chronicled in the chapters of Untypically in Love.

The Sound of a Heart Breaking.

Promises.
My Heart Will Go On.

As important to my life those specific memories are, because they truly shaped me, I don't like them. They are filled with sadness, despair and they remind me about the dark scar that was placed on my spirit the day that the most wonderful woman left this world too soon.

My Grandmother was my best friend.

She wasn't just that, she was the best person.

When my mother died, Grandma quit her job and became a stay at home mother again. After raising eight children of her own, she took on another, and not because no one else would. I could have clearly gone to any of my aunts, uncles, even my Dad. But Grandma needed me, and I needed her.

She would bake apple pies every fall. We would watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune together right before Lawrence Welk and then she'd tuck me into bed, lightly rubbing my sore legs until I fell asleep.

She had a stroke when I was seven and lost the ability to communicate. It took some time but eventually I was one of a small handful of people who could understand what she was saying.

When we moved to California, Motherly did her best to give Grandma a life of vacation and excitement. We went to amusement parks on a monthly (sometimes weekly) basis. And Vegas, oh my gosh how Grandma loved Vegas. If we had a trip to Vegas planned, she would grin and make a motion with her arm like she was pulling down the lever on a slot machine.

She loved going to shows.

She hated going on rides.

Back to the Future and white water rafting will never mean the same to our family after Grandma screamed and threw her fist into the air, cursing us for bringing her on those rides.

Universal Studios was her favourite. So many people were dressed like the actors from her day. Lucille Ball was a particular favourite, but when Clarke Gable sat down at our table and put his arm around her you would have thought she was a school girl the way that her eyes lit up.

She loved her family very much. 

She loved me.

And I loved her.

I still do.

Home Organization 101 Notebook Giveaway! *Closed*

Ashley from SweetPea Lifestyle offered me a copy of her Home Organization Notebook 101 to check out and I think it's just darling (as is her blog!).

This notebook is great, especially for beginners who just would like a pretty print out with a ready made list.

I'm a sucker for all things organizing and my own home journal consists of a makeup of many different print outs, Ashley's now included!

Because she's a total sweetheart, she's offered to let me pass along her notebook (which still has more pages to come as she continues to build it up), to two of my readers!

So if you're hooked on print outs, lists and a good start up to creating your own homemaking binder and routine, then leave a comment below answering the following question:

What's your least favorite chore?

For extra entries like/follow SweetPea Lifestyle on Facebook and Twitter and leave a separate comment telling me that you've done so. (One comment each for Liking on Facebook and Following on Twitter).

This giveaway will end this Thursday, October 10th at Midnight and a winner will be chosen Friday morning.

Untypically in Love: The Midnight Mormons

Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

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Chapter Thirty-Five
The Midnight Mormons

After the first few days of ignoring Matt's phone calls, he stopped trying to contact me. I was still in a funk of useless emotions that wouldn't even be classified as "emo" for at least another five to ten years, and it certainly wasn't a trendy statement that I was making. I spent most days and nights working, and once at home I retreated into a shell of myself, hoping the outside world wouldn't see what was going on deep down inside of me.
Friday nights Damian and the other guys from work would come over to my apartment where they would box in my living room, creating our own version of a fight club. Tina's older brother would go out and buy drinks and while everyone else would celebrate their youth and newly found freedom, I did the best I could to hide the fact that I secretly hated my life.

Early one Saturday morning after a night of fighting and drinking, I woke before the sun even thought about rising above the eastern New Mexico mountains. Sick to my stomach from the contents within, I leaned over the toilet bowl in my bathroom and quietly cried, doing my best not to wake my roommates. Standing up, I leaned over the sink to wash my face, glimpsing briefly in the mirror I was unable to recognize the girl looking back at me.

I'd changed personalities and lifestyles so frequently I might as well have changed my name. Very few things reminded me of the lives I'd had before this, save the memories and the constant desire to go back to the way things were. Before Riley, before Joseph. Riley was still dating Tina and it was a thorn in my side. Joseph called every other day or so to talk to me, only half of the time I took the calls. Hundreds of miles separated us and yet he still pulled my strings, making promises of love and future - neither of us able to admit to a relationship or ending one.

I walked back to my room, my stomach still queasy. As I opened my bedroom door I saw something that was unexpected. Audra sat on my bed, her nose buried in a set of scriptures. I felt many things at once - panic, guilt, anger, irritation, and ultimately sadness. How long had she been there? Was she at the party the night before? What had she seen? What did she think of me now?

I looked at her quietly as the bitterness rose up inside of me. She had regained that lost light inside of her, and my own had been smothered. I envied her like never before and it made me angry that she was there, rubbing her spirituality in my face - or so I thought. Ignoring her presence, I crawled into my bed and shoved my face into my pillow.

"Fell better?" She asked, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"No." I mumbled.

"I'm going to tell you something you're not going to like," she began. "Grow up." 

I seethed.

"You're better than this. I don't know what these new friends and boyfriends have done to you, but you deserve better than this. You're a daughter of God and you're washing your divinity and integrity away like they mean nothing to you." 

I felt her get up from the bed, but I didn't bother to look. My eyes were already swollen and puffy from throwing up and crying, and I just wanted the pain to go away - but she was making it so much worse. Reminding me of things I already knew but couldn't control.

"Go to Church." She said. "That's not a request."

I heard my bedroom door close and I pressed my face harder into my pillow and let out a small scream.

When I woke up later that afternoon I was the only one in the apartment. I called work and said I needed the weekend off, if only to gather my thoughts and regain my strength. Riley was being promoted to a manager so it gave our boss a chance to spend time letting him learn the ropes instead of me taking control like I normally did, and Riley was happy to take on an extra shift.

I spent the day cleaning the apartment and despite my eagerness to ignore Audra's advice, before I went to sleep that night, I set my alarm clock for the following morning, allowing for just enough time to get ready for Church.

I couldn't go back to my home ward though. Matt was there and I still couldn't face him after how I'd left things. I knew it was better this way. Leave him alone and let him move on with his life. I'd spent enough time toying with his emotions, and the last thing I wanted to do was treat him the way Joseph had treated me.

I made my way to the singles ward, which was much further away but the quiet time alone in my car was needed. As I pulled into the parking lot, I realised that I could make a fresh start. People here didn't know me. I wasn't the strange girl who showed up to Church with purple hair. I wasn't Matt's girlfriend here. I wasn't a broken mess here. I could have a clean slate. It gave me some hope as I forced myself to walk through the doors and take a seat.

People were overly welcoming, immediately noticing that I was new to the ward. It was comforting to have smiling faces welcome me with hugs, having no ulterior motive other than to make me feel at home. I made friends immediately, and even recognized a few old acquaintances. Tara had been a member of the Church her whole life and was apparently in a long term relationship with an old co-worker of mine, Derek who had recently joined the Church. Another former co-worker, Chris, was Derek's best friend and he too was a new convert. The similarities between us made me feel even more relaxed, and soon the four of us were the closest of friends. Tara even became another of my roommates, and Chris soon after plopped a mattress on my floor and called it home.

The months began to pass with ease and summer drew to an end. Tina's brother moved out, taking his girlfriend with him and Tina broke up with Riley. I spent my Sundays at Church with my friends, Monday nights with the whole ward for activities, and my Wednesdays had been reserved for the Bishop who had become a dependable counselor in helping me find my long lost light. The friday night fights stopped and Chris and I spent one day dumping all the liquor down the sink, much to Tina's dismay. In the end though it was still my apartment with my name on the lease, and to better all of our lives I immediately instituted rules, many of which drove the party friends right out the door. Things started looking up, and Joseph had even stopped calling to remind me about our past.

Instead of spending my nights partying with my co-workers and hating my life, I spent it driving to the temple with Chris and Audra, just to walk around the grounds and look at the potential future. The late night security dubbed us the "Midnight Mormons", a lovable nickname. We'd sit there some nights long enough to watch the sun come up and reflect off of the beautiful stain glass windows. Chris had become my way back. While I had temporarily dealt with a minor crush, Chris had a crush of his own that he was trying to handle so the two of us remained friends. And despite my new cluster of good influencing friendships, there was still something missing.

"I thought I'd be married by now," I confessed to them one night.

"Really? But you're only eighteen." Chris said with wide eyes.

"Oh, you should have seen her a few years ago," Audra laughed. "She's been planning her temple wedding since she joined the Church."


"Only thing missing now is the husband." I smirked.

"And who do you think that might end up being?" Chris asked, wondering if I already had someone picked out, and if he knew that someone.

"Don't know." I shrugged. "I've had a few contenders for sure."

"And by a few, she means two." Audra added.

"I've had more boyfriends than that!" I argued.

"Yeah but only two of them were ever actually good for you. Someone you could see across the altar." She pointed out.

"Fair enough," I sighed and pulled my knees to my chest. The temperature was dropping and as the September sun began to rise, the air grew colder. I stared at that temple eagerly. It had been years since I'd been inside, and I knew that somewhere within, was a beautiful room where I'd be married to my eternal companion.

Whoever he was.

One day after driving home from Church, I walked into my apartment and plopped down on the couch, eager for a nap. Tina came out of her room, slipping her work shoes on as she tied her hair back into a pony tail, readying herself for her shift that night.

"Hey, some guy stopped by for you." She told me.

"What?" I rose a brow. "Who?"

"Some tall guy. He left a note." She pointed to the end of the couch where indeed, a small note was taped. How had I missed that?

I sat up and reached for the piece of paper and suddenly, an old familiar spark ignited inside of me, almost enough to make me catch my breath.

Stopped by to see you.
Miss you.

- Josh

>>> Chapter Thirty-Six

Costume Contest Finalists!

Okay so really anyone who entered became a finalist, but finalist sounds really important and submissions just makes me thing of submissive, and contestants always makes me think of The Price is Right. So finalists it is!

Strongman, Lion and Ringleader

Sam from Life as Wife.

Little Red Riding Hood and "Grandma"

Amy from So Aimlessly.

The Farmer's *Other* Daughter

Karen from A Peek at Karen's World.

Maleficent

Risela, owner of Black Rose Minerals site and blog.

Bar Matron

Amy from Amy's Adventures.

So check your favourites below!

30 Days of Gratitude

I'm sure you've heard about this, either seen it on other blogs, twitter or Facebook. I figured that it would be good for me to join in seeing that I've spent a good portion of the last few years considering myself "Pity, Party of One". Crystal Wilkerson started this challenge and is offering daily prompts to help you to be more grateful.


Even though I'm kind of ignoring the prompt, but wanted to take a moment to publicly talk about my gratitude for my husband who spent his last day off of work taking me Christmas shopping for the nieces and nephews, browsing (and shopping) for makeup, who insisted that I pamper myself with a haircut and then waited patiently instead of running off with Josh to play in a game store.

I am really blessed to have such a wonderful, doting, enabling man. 

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On an unrelated note . . . 

I've been really wanting to use photography as a creative outlet. And though I'm not even close to professional, I've taken up the challenge of a Project 365, as well as the 52 Project started by my friend Pepper Scraps. Since I don't want to flood this blog with random pictures, I've started a photography blog that you can check out if you want.