Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.
Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.
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Chapter Thirty-Four
I'd Forgotten
I was fairly proud of myself. Within a month of turning eighteen and becoming an official adult I'd already secured an apartment of my very own, repaired the broken friendship between Matt and I and successfully gotten over Riley breaking up with me with only one slightly large emotional outburst later at work the same day which ended with me sitting in the back of the restaurant between the shelves where we kept the sauces for the chicken nuggets.
That one day changed so much, but mostly my perspective. I'd started out thinking I knew who my friends were and weren't, and when it came to people I could rely on, I'd put them all in the wrong categories. Stephanie of course had her own life, Riley had clearly made his point on where we stood, and in the end like it seemingly always had been and always would be, it was Matt and Josh who were there for me.
I'd wanted to thank them both by spending more time with them, but over the course of a few weeks so much would keep me busy that I honestly didn't seem to have the time. Between work, car troubles, dealing with Stephanie moving and the ever constant presence of my ex at work I felt like my life was overflowing with things that needed to be handled. It was of course then that Tina, a friend from work approached me to tell me that she was pregnant and her mother had kicked her out of the house.
I'd lived in my own apartment for less than two weeks before I let Tina take the second bedroom for herself, and just like that I had a roommate. A week later Tina's older brother and his fiance came into town with no place to call their own, and soon they found themselves sharing that second bedroom with Tina and we had a full house - or so I thought. Over the following months I would have a total of ten people living with me, at one point eight at a time. My apartment became the place you could go for sanctuary if the rest of the world turned you out. A place where you could get a couch to sleep on in an emergency, where there was always Pepsi in the fridge and something happening. I became the den mother to a band of misfits who were just as screwed up as I was.
And naturally, off to the side as a constant form of support, was Matt.
Still recovering from my breakup with Riley - and ultimately the disaster of emotions that was my relationship with Joseph - Matt asked me out on a date.
Nervous for the first time in a long while when it came to Matt, I began preparing for the Friday night by getting ready and asking him to meet me at my work where I needed to stop by and check on a few things first as we were preparing for our yearly inspection.
"I don't like this," Damian told me as I filtered through my purse, searching for my keys.
I rolled my eyes at his over protection, recalling Stephanie's last week before she left for college where she instructed her boyfriend to take care of me and make sure I stayed out of trouble. Dating an ex boyfriend seemed like trouble so he was already on the defensive, despite not knowing one real thing about Matt other than the fact that Stephanie didn't like him.
"Well you don't have to like this but I'm still going," I declared, side stepping out of the way as Riley clocked out for his break and sat down next to Damian to add his own opinions on my love life.
"Didn't you two break up for a reason?" Riley snickered.
"Can you both just back off?" I snapped.
"And you really don't have any place to tell me a damn thing about who it is that I date." I said, glaring at him.
Staying friends with Riley was a necessary evil. Stephanie begged us to before she left, not to mention he was Damian's best friend and had already started dating one of my roommates, and therefore was at my apartment nearly every night. It was easier just to hide my anger and pretend that nothing had happened between us.
Neither Riley or Damian stopped pestering me about the date and others even joined in on the fun. By the time Matt showed up in his old rusty Suburban he had around ten to fifteen people I worked with betting against him. I however, still had hope.
Awkwardly meeting my friends, Matt was surprisingly kind despite their scowls and snide remarks though I was thoroughly embarrassed. We'd decided to take my car instead of his big truck seeing that I needed to stop and get gas anyway and didn't know if a station would be open by the time we'd return - just one more thing that Damian and Riley felt the need to comment on.
"He's not even driving? Is he at least going to pay for your meal?" They scoffed behind my back and seethed.
We approached my tiny yellow car and I smiled as Matt came to my side and opened my door for me. I breathed a small sigh, having forgotten what it felt like to have chivalry extended to me - despite the overly protective men inside who were still tossing around jokes at our expense regarding traditions, expectations and the fact that I was the one driving.
"I'm sorry about them," I frowned as we drove away from my work.
"Don't worry about it." Matt smiled.
"I'm not taking them out."
A smile crept across my face. He was being surprisingly mature about this.
"Though I'm not sure why you're friends with those idiots." He added.
And there it was.
Soon we put everyone else out of our minds as Matt directed me where to go. I pulled into the parking lot of a newly opened cajun style steakhouse near the mall, somewhere I'd never been before because the prices were out of my league. Matt seemed not to be bothered by money though as he held the door of the restaurant open for me, and insisted that I get whatever I wanted.
We sat there eating and talking as though very little time had passed between the moment our relationship had ended and the moment we were now sharing. The restaurant was romantically lit and was playing something that sounded like Sinatra in the background. I strangely felt like a real grown up on a real grown up kind of date, though reminded of the days what seemed so long ago when Matt's Mom would drop us off at the movie theatre and then drive us to get ice cream afterward.
We caught up on one another's lives, though I kept much of my own to myself insisting that all I did was work and go home, nothing more. Matt talked about his family, how his parents were doing, that they missed me. He told me that he had his own class at Church now, a group of eleven year olds underfoot each Sunday, looking to him as their teacher. Not only that, but he was now preparing to go on a mission soon. I was in shock and awe. Had he really grown up this much without me?
Matt paid the bill and soon we found ourselves on route to the local family fun center where we played miniature golf, rode the bumper boats and raced the go karts. By the time he let me win the race, I'd let go of all the stress of work, friends, and roommates. The wounds caused by Joseph and Riley were beginning to heal, but the scars were still there.
We drove to a local bookstore and sat down in big comfy chairs beside one another, relaxing. I closed my eyes and for a split second I thought that I could easily spend the rest of my life, doing this, with him. My eyes opened when his fingers brushed against the skin of my wrist and without any pause, me took my hand into his own.
I'd forgotten.
Forgotten the way it felt when someone took your hand in public, without worrying who might be watching. Forgotten the way it felt when someone was touching you without wishing it was someone else. I'd forgotten the feel of his skin, the smell of his cologne and the way that I relaxed when his thumb brushed against the back of my hand as if to remind me that when he held my hand, it wasn't just a typical thing to do, it was something he was actively participating in. Reminding me that even if he wasn't looking at me, talking to me, he was still there.
When our date was over, I returned him to his vehicle, thankful that everyone else at my work had gone home for the night. We sat in the parking lot, neither of us eager to go home and end this strangely peaceful existence.
"Come over tomorrow night. I want to see you again." He insisted.
Strangely hesitant, I agreed.
When I went into work Sunday morning, I was filled with the typical euphoria one has after a seemingly perfect date the night before. I was happier, kinder, and oddly more efficient without a burden of stress and anger on my shoulders. Soon I started counting down the hours left of my shift before I could go home and get ready to see Matt again.
"Well it's good to hear from you, son!" I heard my manager in the office on the phone as I clocked out for break and headed back toward the breakroom to enjoy a moment of silence before the lunch rush started.
"She's right here," he said and then tapped me on the shoulder. "Joseph's on the phone."
I stopped in my tracks as my heart sunk into my stomach. I didn't want to talk to him, but out of habit when someone hands you a phone, you just seem to take it.
"Hello?" I said as I brought the phone to my ear.
"Hi." Joseph said on the other end.
"How's Indiana?" I asked, almost a reminder to myself that he had moved and I had moved on.
"It's good." He paused.
"I miss you."
I'd forgotten.
Forgotten the way it made me sick when he played with my emotions. Forgotten how his words would leave me an emotional mess regardless of what was happening in my own life. Forgotten the way he could remind me of every up and down I'd gone through over the last year of my life. Remind me that while Matt had been off becoming a teacher at Church and preparing for his mission, I'd spent my year with Joseph . . . wasting away inside, destroying what little of myself was left.
"I heard you dated Riley." Joseph said.
I'd forgotten.
Forgotten that the mess Joseph left behind was picked up by Riley who took whatever good was left in me, and dried it up. Left me alone and feeling worthless.
"I . . . I have to go." I said and quickly hung up the phone.
I didn't stay for the lunch rush. Riley was scheduled to come in and I couldn't handle dealing with a phone call from Joseph in the morning, seeing Riley in the afternoon and have dinner with Matt in the evening. I told my manager I wasn't feeling well, and he sent me home early.
By the time I'd gotten ready for dinner and arrived at Matt's house, I still hadn't recovered. Instead of the romantic night I'd spent with Matt the evening before, I let the mistakes of the last year with Joseph and Riley play over and over in my head until I was sick with myself.
Matt's Mom let me inside and told me Matt was waiting in the other room. When I stepped down the hallway I tried to brush off the bad feelings that the day had left on me, but the scars were still there. When I walked into the other room, I looked down and a blanket had been laid out on the floor with dinner prepared. Matt had gone out of his way to cook for me.
He greeted me with a smile and sat down with me as we ate, telling me the details of what happened that morning at Church, and every so often mentioning how much fun he'd had with me the night before. It felt like salt in the wound and every time he said something kind to me, it was like someone was pouring lemon juice into the cut.
I went quiet, my mind clearly preoccupied.
"I miss you." Matt said softly.
"I miss you too." I admitted.
Then suddenly, Matt leaned in to kiss me like he had done countless times in previous years. Only now, instead of eagerly returning his affection, I felt a sharp pain deep inside, tearing open those scars and reminding me that I was screwed up and that he deserved better than me - at least the me that I was right then.
"I . . . can't," I uttered in a panic before scooting away and standing up.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this." The room was spinning and I could feel my heart pulsing in my throat, which only made it harder to breathe.
"I'm so sorry." And then, just like that . . . I left.
I'd forgotten.
Forgotten how painful it was to leave him.
