Love, Yourself - A Year in Perspective
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A year ago I had a strange idea. I thought about writing letters to myself in order to show the difference a year could make. I was tired of living day to day and seeing no progress in my weight, my health, my mental illness, my relationships and my spirit. I focused mostly on weight this year and paying attention to my body, which really did help - even if sometimes I didn't lose weight, or still ended up sick.
It's been a year now since that first letter posted, and I've learned some things . . .
January 2011
"We both felt great walking long distances."
Weight: 243 (Down from 250 in December 2010)
February 2011
"Panic attacks come and go on occasion, but I'm no longer paralyzed by fear!"
Something Learned: February was an anniversary for me. It had been a year since my mental breakdown. And a year later I was doing great. I had previously had issues with my friends and family getting pregnant while I struggled with infertility, but not only did I welcome my new nephew into the world with love, but one of my best friends had her first baby, and another is due any day now. I couldn't be happier for them!
Weight: 239
March 2011
"Even if I gain weight, even if I have to start over from the beginning, I
will not stop because I'd rather keep walking forward despite the odds
than sit down and let everything run me over."
Something Learned: Between fighting physical sickness and mental illness, March was a struggle but I came through fighting. I learned that instead of saying, "Oh I'm sick, might as well give up on everything," that I just need to take care of myself, push through and keep going once I'm better.
Weight: 234
April 2011
"I am still drinking water and have cut down on the soda I drink.
No more kidney stones!"
Something Learned: I started going to the doctor when I needed to, which continued to be a struggle but there is progress there. I cut down on the amount of soda I was drinking and really saw the improvement. I started taking control of my depression and sought out therapy which became a lifesaver. I even gave medication a try (which turned out not so good, but the important thing is that I tried.)
Weight: 239
May 2011
"While my first week as a 27 year old hasn't exactly been perfect,
I'm still alive and life is beautiful."
Something Learned: Perspective. Medication I was on was making things harder to work through, but I kept going and kept trying to see the difference in every moment. I really tried to seek out the good in the word even though my body was breaking down a bit.
Weight: 234
June 2011 - August 2011
Sometimes mental illness can put you down for a day, sometimes it can put you down for three months. But you get up and keep going when you finally can.
September 2011
"I have had a lot of feedback from family and friends telling me
how good I look and how much weight I've clearly lost."
Something Learned: I spent a few weeks with my little sister and Motherly which really helped give me the family connection I had been craving. I developed an addiction to makeup which helped because when you suffer from depression you don't want to get out of bed let alone look pretty. So when I put my makeup on, it showed a real effort to myself. We also moved back in with Matt's parents which was very stressful, but I held it together, got rid of tons of clutter and left behind a ton of stress that came along with our old apartment.
Weight: 239
October 2011
"I'm just amazed at how totally blessed I am right now
with the progress that I've made."
Something Learned: I was (and continue to be) amazed by the progress I've made when it comes to my OCD and agoraphobia. I used to be so afraid of so much and now, though I still have issues, I can actually look at the world with clear eyes and even a little bit of hope.
Weight: 233 - My Lowest Weight This Year!
November 2011
"I certainly weigh less than I did this time a year ago!"
Something Learned: November was hard. Between being sick, the family being sick, and of course depression, it was hard to get up and move, or get anything done. But one thing I was able to accomplish was an amazing Thanksgiving. I continue to make myself proud in keeping holiday traditions.
Weight: 236
December 2011
"It's hard, but it's a baby step type of thing.
You don't wake up one day cured of mental illness, and I know that."
Something Learned: I know that depression is a part of who I am, at least right this moment, and I have to move with it sometimes instead of struggle against it and wear myself out. There are still good moments that I can make out, which is still progress because in my really bad depression days I couldn't see the light anywhere. Now I can. I know that somewhere in the future, whether it's tomorrow or next month, I'll feel better.
Weight: 238
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I really want to thank you amazing readers for this year. These letters have been to me from me, but they've all been signed by you with love, support and friendship. Thank you.
Happy New Year, y'all.
