Guest Blogger : He Holds the Key to My Cart

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By Danica The Library Ninja

We speed-walked under the huge fans at the entrance, tummies grumbling, brain-gears grating against one another, nails on a chalkboard.

"Do you think we need a ca--" I begin to weakly mutter, but my husband is already past the pyramid display of neon cereal boxes. I catch up to him at the discount reams of cheese.

"Ok honey. We definitely need milk, toilet paper, toothpaste, batteries and dish soap. Then whatever you want for dinner tonight. What are you thinking? I know. Don't look at me like that. I'm hungry too. Yes, you're probably more hungry than I am. So lets hurry. Come on."

The promise of food fails to motivate either of us, though we entered with such hopes and dreams. In true American fashion we wanted the food in our bellies 15 minutes ago. Probably too much of it, too. We deserve it. We've been slaving over YouTube videos and Twitter and gossiping all day. I've had nothing but Diet Coke for 5 HOURS. This must be what the Holocaust was like. (This is what happens when a history teacher can't get a grip.)

Thank goodness that "survival of the fittest" thing is so 800 years ago. We'd have been voted off the island for sure. That's how they did it, right?

"A LOAF OF BREAD!" he exclaims, caressing a loaf.

"What?"

"A loaf. Of bread."
... "You want a loaf of bread for dinner?"

"Yes. No." (lowers head, trudges on.) The Deli section looks promising. I find a refrigerated stand as he is drawn to the meats.

"Oooooooooooh salsa! Chips and salsa. My favorite. Lets do this. I can snack on this all week." I'm loading up my arms with the largest tub as he walks over. "Babe. They have rotisserie chickens for $6.--"

"Ohmyword is that SUSHI?!" "Babe! A cheese ball and crackers!" "2 for 1 Coke on sale!" "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh I justwannaeat!"

Aisle after aisle. Shelf after shelf. We alternately sprint and funeral march along the boxes and jars, fighting the passionate excitement and disinterest with each new product. We abandon the Wheat Thins with the stacks of pasta sauce in favor of some Mac n Cheese. Sorry Wheat Thins. It's nothing personal. I mean, it's the Cheesiest.

The one-aisle stand with the Mac n Cheese ended with a frozen pizza/wings combo on sale. So that's where I left him. Cold and alone, far from his own kind. Well. Karma is a bitch, because soon my full, tired arms were freezing against the pizza box and I was no closer to filling my aching stomach. My husband was quickly becoming a grizzly bear, arms full of food he can't eat, weakened by walking the cold grocery store aisles.

"Ok," the adult voice in my head said to me, "It's time. Go check out now. This is ridiculous."

We dumped our treasures onto the conveyor belt with glee. I swiped my card without looking at the total. I knew I wouldn't like it. We skipped to the car (ok. I skipped to the car), and soon we were hauling the load onto the kitchen counter. I surveyed our bounty with equal parts horror and delight.

• Family-size Frozen Pizza and Wings
• Frozen Cheese Bread
• Chips and Salsa
• Mountain Dew
• Diet Coke
• Microwave Popcorn
• Margarita Mix
• Snack Pack Vanilla Swirl Pudding
• Tube of Cookie Dough
• Plastic Straws
• String Cheese
• Chocolate Frozen Yogurt
• Chips Ahoy
• Milk

Now. Math isn't easy. But how many of those items were on my original list?

Scroll up if you have to. Good. One. One item. And how many irresponsible spending decisions? Oh. All of them, you say? Correct. Ugh. Correct.

Marriage means you get to become the happiest, most embarrassing version of yourself. I'll take it!

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The Library Ninja is a marriage expert, after doing it for three weeks straight. She drinks too much caffeine and quotes The Office with precision. Check her at Library Ninja, Teach Me to Quote in the Ways of The Office, and Twitter via @Danica_Holdaway.