Now I'm Worried That Eating Kidney Beans is Just Asking For Trouble

Matt still doesn't understand how biology works.


Me: I'm tired but I don't want to go to sleep yet.

Matt: You can have one of my energy drinks if you want to.

Me: No cause if I drink three energy drinks my kidneys will shut down.

Matt: They won't shut down.

Me: Probably.

Matt: They might just explode.

Me: Just?!

Matt: Yeah.

Me: I don't want my kidneys to explode. I don't need pieces of kidney just floating around inside of me. I need my kidneys to work.

Matt: Technically they'd still be working.

Me: Not if they fucking exploded!

Matt: Technically since the action exploding takes energy, the kidneys would still be working until they completely exploded . . . they'd only stop working once they exploded because they wouldn't be there anymore . . .  like if you walked into a factory and were like, "Hey, where the hell is Ken and why isn't he working!?" . . . . people would be all, "Who's Ken? Ken doesn't work here." Make sense?

Me:  *brain collapse* . . . . Did . . . . did Ken explode?

(Okay so somewhere during Matt's explanation I stopped listening. I was more concerned that my kidneys would suddenly explode. Also it's hard to listen to Matt when he explains things, because if he's right in the end it's easier for me to NOT understand one word of what he said than to admit that he's smarter than I am and that maybe kidneys CAN in fact explode.)
Matt: *laughs*

Me: I'm pretty sure kidneys can't explode and you're just being an ass.

Matt: How do you know that kidneys can't explode? You're not Jesus!

Me: How do you even know that it was Jesus who made the kidneys!?

Matt: Because 'K' comes after 'J'.
 

It was pretty much at this point of the argument that we both broke and I alerted Matt that I was laughing so hard that I had to pee. Then he got up and ran to the bathroom before I could. Which proves that he's both an asshole, and that he's trying to make my kidneys shut down. Or explode.

So if I die of kidney explosion, I want proof that somehow Matt knew about it and thus is premeditated murder. Or arson. Except Matt just told me that arson is only for fire and wouldn't count in the case of kidney explosion.