Let's Talk About Sex

When I was seven years old one of my cousins got pregnant. I overheard the conversation from the other room and was only able to make out the words "pregnant", "sex", and "the pill". Since I didn't know what sex was, I immediately conjured up the notion that people got pregnant by taking pills.

That was the day I stopped taking my Flintstones vitamins.

Later that same year I did in fact learn about sex.

But not before using my best friends sisters condoms as a extreme water balloon, flooding their kitchen and then stumbling onto her father's porn collection while looking for towels to clean up the water with.

The truth was, I had an all access pass to the library, and even though I didn't know what a uterus was, the diagrams in various books insisted that I had one.

The one and only time my Dad and I have ever talked about sex (for which I was grateful) was when I was a teenager and he admitted the circumstances surrounding my conception which may or may not have included the term "jungle juice party".

I never got "the talk" from any member of my family. I think being raised by multiple parents throughout my life was the cause behind it all. One parent naturally assumed that the one who came before had already given me the need to know knowledge so there really wasn't anything left to do but wait until I came of age so I could be put on the pill.

When that time came, I was fifteen and Motherly made me swear on a Bible that I wasn't having sex. Then regardless of the answer, she took Kristine and I both to the doctors and put us on the pill. Just in case.

Sex wasn't something we talked about in a serious nature. But we did talk about it. Like when Kristine and I would come home from school and Motherly would say, "Oh you just missed it, we were having sex on the recliner." And we'd gag, threaten to vomit, and she'd laugh her ass off.

Once Motherly asked me if anyone ever gave me "the talk" and I replied with, "No need, we had HBO. I kinda figured out the details on my own." Which was actually true for the most part. Everything else came through books, internet, and friends.

Although when I was sixteen Matt's mother took it upon herself to give me "the talk". Scared to death of my boyfriends mother (who already had caught me sneaking out of Matt's bedroom window a year earlier), I played as innocent as I possibly could while I tried not to pass out. It made it all the worse that we were driving, so my means of escape would have actually been life threatening.

At our wedding reception, Matt's brother took him aside to have a one on one man talk. I've been spared most of the details of the conversation, but I gathered that the subject was in preparation for the wedding night. Touched by the bond of brothers, I sought out a table where my aunts and cousins had all gathered together.

Me: How come no one has taken the time to give me the wedding night talk?
Cousin: Because we all assumed you knew more about sex than we do!

Hilarity ensued.

Pretty much anytime you put two or more females of my family together, the subject of conversation ultimately leads to sex. Whether it's the old maids insisting that spider webs have not been spun in their nether regions, or the younger generations complaining about their overly-interested husbands, the conversation always comes back home to the gutter.

Earlier this year while visiting Motherly she asked me, "You and Matt never had sex on my bed, did you?" Gasping at the very thought of doing such a disrespectful act, I insisted, "No! Never! I promise you, anytime we came to visit - we'd always wait for Kristine to leave and then have sex on her bed."

The best sex talk I ever received was from my Grandmother. I'd been married for about 6 months and had gone to her home for a visit. While she and I sat around the table playing Monopoly, she looked up and with her 'sweet as southern ice tea' Texan drawl said:

"Jessi, I'm gonna tell you exactly what my Momma told me when I got married to your Grandpa Gerry. She said that when your man comes home after working hard all day, he better come home to a hot meal and a hot body. Even if you don't feel like it, don't tell him no cause eventually you'll end up enjoying yourself too. Besides, even if you don't, it ain't gonna take very long."

Grandmas give the best sex talks.