Friday, June 10, 2011

Top Ten Awesome Google Searches
That Land People on My Blog

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I'm always amused by how people get to my blog. I'll admit, sometimes I will purposely blog offensive material just to see who shows up to the party and what they searched for to get here. While I'll never reach the status of great Google searches like The Bloggess, I do have a little crowd of my own special freaks that I love, adore and feel the need to medicate and or sterilize.

 1. "you never know what tomato will bring"

Indeed. I am also reminded of several favourite inspirational quotes like, "The sun will come out, tomato," "Live today like you'll die tomato," and "Today is the tomato we worried about yesterday."

2. "whores you know"

Okay, let's be fair. I'm not surprised by the whore searches.

3. "sad stripper" and "fat pole dancer"

If I knew long ago that there was such a high search for fat pole dancers, I would have made a career change right outta high school! Seriously, with the amount of people getting to my blog in need of glitter covered cellulite, I think I could have made a killing in the naked shake and bake industry. Unfortunately I have no rhythm, can't dance and I can't balance in hooker heels.

4. "pork fat disposal"

This isn't amusing to me. Some people need to know how to dispose of pork fat. It's needed information and I'm glad that I'm here to help clueless housewives everywhere.

5. "end of my rope with needy basset hound"

Me too, pal.

6. "is my husband allowed to see my boobs"

If your boobs and husband are like mine, you never had a choice.

7. "not allowed to touch myself"

I feel your pain. We're talking about breast exams right?

8. "loook into my cleavage"

Feel free. But beware . . . it's where I keep my husband's wallet, a switchblade, a VHS copy of The Bird Cage, and my dignity.

9. "i got fat after high school"

Join the club. And pass the mayonnaise.

10. "do sex shops have laundromats"

Oh jeez . . . I hope not.

Wait . . . scratch that. I hope they do.

Either way this disturbs me on a serious level. Puts terrible images in my head.

I'm glad I buy all my sex toys online.


Kristin said...

Those are some seriously awesome and seriously weird searches.

MarcyTooTimid said...

Wow, these are great. I always check mine, too, but there's been nothing that compares to these! Visiting from SITS.

topperarnold said...

Thank you!

Rachel said...

Oh boy! I don't have any crazy search terms...but in my reffering sites list there are a couple of porn sites...which is completely mind boggling.

Gina said...

Wait... why wouldn't a husband be allowed to see your boobs? That has to be, hands down, the saddest marriage ever. :(

Kim said...

And I thought some of my searches were twisted. These beat out mine, that's for damn sure! Dude, I am so going to have to do a blog post on this...tomato! Er, um, tomorrow.

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

Those are pretty awesome!! I thought some of mine were weird! lol

Tonya the Hobo Girl said...

I have one this month, "sneezed dinner husband".  I just picture some wife on Google needing some type advice or forum because her husband won't allow her to sneeze during dinner.  Or perhaps her husband sneezed during dinner and she wonders if that is a sign of impending doom in their marriage?  Or maybe there is a fairy godmother out there who instead of using a wand to make carriages turn into pumpkins she instead sneezes out wishes in the form of food?

Comfy Mom said...

OMG!Love the sex shops search!

topperarnold said...

Holy sh!t this is hilarious!! 

Er...stupid question, how in the world does one find out the search terms that bring someone to a blog?

Lindsay said...

I love reading other peoples search words that bring them to their blog. They are always so funny, and a tad creepy. I wrote a post about the red light district once and since then, 95% of my serach words have something to do with whores, sex, and red lights. Sex really does sell!

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