Conquering My Fears

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I spent most of 2010 trying to repair the damage that a mental breakdown caused. On my own I was able to gain control over most of my OCD, and even eliminate 95% of my panic attacks. It was long, drawn out and emotionally exhausting. But I did it. I was even able to conquer one of my fears along the way.

Then recently I allowed others to help me with the mental illness that remains to plague my life. The depression. I've been to therapy and also to the doctor and I've been on medication for over a week now. And while it was hard to deal with at first, the side effects are fading and I am beginning to see the light.

I know I am getting better.

I know it for a fact because last night I conquered one of my worst fears.

Most of you know that the initial cause of my breakdown last year was due to a highly stressful job as an assistant manager of a gas station. One day, a customer with clear schizophrenia came in talking to himself about how he had been slighted by someone and that person clearly under estimated him, and that if he wanted to, he could kill people. I blogged about the whole event in my emotional declaration to the world.


Since that day - after quitting my job - I've not returned to the gas station. Which is terribly inconvenient because it is literally across the street from my home. Anytime we go to get gas, I sit in the car and hide my face. I've been afraid that someone I knew would see me and potentially hurt me. When I quit my job, things changed there. My manager at the time was getting ready to go to jail for 3 months for abusing her husband. I worked with several ex convicts who abused drugs and I did not trust any of them. They had bad tempers and I was worried I would be recognized.

Not only that, but being inside the place itself felt dangerous to me. I was worried that if I stepped one foot outside the door I would be reminded of that day when I lost control. And maybe, I would lose myself again. And so, for a year and a half, I have avoided, and have hidden, and have cowered.

But last night . . . we pulled into the gas station and as my husband turned off the car, I opened my door and said, "I got it," and I stepped outside and walked into the store with very minimal anxiety. No one I knew was there. I felt okay. I felt calm. No . . . I felt triumphant! I paid for my gas and then walked back to the car.

Then, I went back inside! I bought a candy bar for my husband and as the cashier rang me up, I casually asked who the manager was, to find out that there was indeed someone new. I thanked him and left feeling better than ever.

Who knows if it's really the medication doing the trick, or if somehow in the process of healing I've regained some of my strength. All I know is that the darkness is lifting, and I can see a resemblance of myself again.