Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Medication: Day Six
That feels like the best way to describe how I feel right now. Despite the fact that I look calmer than ever.
I'm tired, fatigued and my body hurts. The first few days on my new meds had me running around crazy. Restless and awake at all hours, I couldn't stop moving. Now I'm suffering the consequences with tired and sore muscles - muscles that still want to move. I get twitchy every now and then. Like I'm crawling in my own skin. Sometimes my teeth chatter. I can deal with those side effect though. I know that they will fade.
The mental side effects are so far the hardest.
A very typical side effect of most SSRI antidepressants, is that things can get worse before they get better. I'm sure if I wasn't as tired as I am right now, I would probably analyze and theorize it to death, but I just can't think straight right now. Who knows how it all works. It's not the same for any two people. Hell, some people even have a side effect of suicidal thoughts. But I'm used to that with having OCD (which causes intrusive and unwanted thoughts, sometimes in regards to death).
The depression has however worsened. I can feel it. Fogging up my brain. Making it harder to think, move, react. It feels dark.
But it only feels dark today.
I know that tomorrow it could be light again. And even if it's not, I know that it's somewhere over the horizon. I've taken the step needed to fix this. Now it's just a waiting game. Not waiting for a good day, or a good week. But waiting for things to balance, so I can maybe have a chance at living a normal life. Dealing with stresses and sadness in normal ways. I don't need to be maniacally happy - I just want to live on my own terms.
And I'd really like a nap right now.
And a massage.
And a Pepsi.