Untypically in Love: What Happens Now?

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Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

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Chapter Twenty-Seven
What Happens Now?

Matt and I so rarely saw one another as the months continued to pass by. Sure we'd be together every Sunday, but for a while, Matt stopped going to Church all together. He was still finishing school while I had powered through as fast as I could and graduated early. Though instead of taking my new found knowledge and freedom further by going to college early, I pushed into work and began taking on extra shifts.

Things were stressful at home and I didn't want to be there. Grandma had been gone for two years now but the pain lingered. Kristine, still in school had a social life like I used to have. Friends, boyfriends, dates and dances. I had the late shift, a waiter at work twice my age that liked to hit on me, and a struggling need to keep the gas tank on my Bronco full. Stress was building. I became angry that Matt couldn't share it with me. He had a family that supported him, a job he truly enjoyed, a schedule that was accommodating, and he didn't have to go home every night to sleep in the same room where the domino effect of his Grandmothers death began.

Eager to start fresh, I quit my job at the restaurant and started working for a woman who ran her own daycare in town. She was going back to college and needed someone to watch the kids while she wasn't there. It gave me a chance to have a strange peace and quiet during the day. The little ones napped, ate or watched cartoons and I could read a book or write in my journals. I did that a lot. Home was stressful and Matt and I continued to grow apart. I needed some way to express myself.

Desperate to let the pain out, I took to writing poetry.

One Sunday morning, I sat in the back of my Sunday school class. Our instructor had left the room to go downstairs to switch out a video for one he had grabbed by mistake. My peers mingled with one another, talking about the social events that week at school, things I no longer held concern for. The seat beside me was empty - Matt had stayed home sick. Buried in my notebook, I wrote rapidly, just to get the anger out of my head.

"What're you writing?" A voice on the other side of me asked.

I turned and realised that I hadn't noticed when Josh sat down beside me. Two years had passed and we'd barely spoken. He'd forgiven Matt long ago, but our once strong friendship was still rocky. I was no longer the loving girl he had once dated. I was the bitch who broke his heart and traded him for his best friend. I was his best friends girl now. And there was very little wiggle room.

"Just some thoughts," I shrugged. "Started writing poetry lately. Just to get things off my chest I guess." I yawned and closed my notebook, not wanting anyone to see the mixed emotions I carried around with me. Writing in my journals often reminded me of the many letters that Josh and I had written to one another during the short time we had dated. Letters I had secretly kept and read often.

"Where's Matt?" Josh asked.

"Home," I shrugged my shoulders. "Sick."

"Well if you guys want to hang out later this week, we could catch a movie," he suggested.

I paused and turned to give him my full attention. "Both of us?" I asked. "Didn't realise you wanted to hang out with me." I smiled softly, the guilt still heavy in my mind, even though it'd been years since I'd broken up with Josh in that high school stairway.

"Course I do," Josh smiled. "The two of you are the best friends I have."

Something pulled at my heart and suddenly the guilt felt worse. There was something else too, regret? No, not regret. I loved Matt, and I knew that. Even during all the bad times, the arguments, that was one fact I couldn't deny. But were we happy? I couldn't say yes. Even if I tried to lie to myself, I knew I wouldn't believe it, and I doubt anyone else would either.

"You okay?" Josh asked.

"Oh, yeah, I'm just . . " I sighed. "You know I'm sorry right?" I asked him. "I never meant to hurt you, never meant to lose your friendship."

"I know," he said, though there seemed to be a certain hesitation in his voice.

The instructor returned to class and put on a video while we all silently watched. I reopened my notebook and started writing again fervently. Once the video ended, a loud bell rang. We closed our class with a prayer and everyone scurried off to their next meeting.

"I'll let Matt know that you want to hang out." I smiled to Josh as I stood up, snatching up my notebook and scriptures as I headed toward the door where Audra and and another of my friends, Jenn, stood waiting for me. Josh smiled at me and then headed down the stairs.

"What was that all about?" Jenn asked with a grin on her face.

"Are you guys talking again?" Audra asked.

"Guess so," I shrugged my shoulders and smiled, despite the lingering feelings pulling at me inside.

"Do you still have feelings for him?" Jenn asked, hopeful. She had begun dating Josh's younger brother and I could immediately tell that the idea for double dates was playing in her brain.

"I love Matt," I insisted, offended at the thought that anyone else would ever, could ever make those feelings disappear.

"No one's saying that you don't," Jenn replied. "Is it possible to love more than one guy, you know."

"Yeah I know, and I've seen how that kind of situation ends." I sighed, recalling the bitter details of my breakup with Josh and how, despite being blissfully happy with Matt in the beginning, the guilt of ruining their friendship had scarred me deep inside.

The three of us walked down the stairs and off to our class, meeting with all the other girls our age. The lesson, naturally, was on choosing a future husband. Qualities you admire and look for. We sat in the back row, passing a piece of paper between the three of us quietly.

What's wrong?

- Audra

Nothing.

- Jessica

Problems with Matt?

- Jenn

We fight a lot.

- Jessica

You deserve to be happy.

- Audra

Do I?

- Jessica

Matt and I got into an argument later that night and it got completely out of control. I don't even remember what started it, but in the end we both said things we didn't mean. An hour after I went home he called me and we talked all night.

"I just want us both to be happy and it feels like all we do is make each other miserable." I held the phone to my ear, which was now turning red from being pressed against the receiver for over an hour. I was physically exhausted and emotionally drained.

"I know," Matt sighed.

"What do you want to do?" I asked him sincerely. "I can't not have you in my life, but I don't want you to end up hating me because we keep fighting."

"I could never hate you."

Dear Diary,                                    July 3rd, 2001

There are moments when I have the ability to be on top of the world. Then something changes it all. Matt and I have decided to date other people. I was perfectly fine with it until he had found a date this Thursday and I hadn't.

He wants me to ask Josh out. I don't know why.

I can't just ask someone out, it's not like me, it's not in me anymore. I fear rejection too much. Being alone terrifies me. More than anything. Why shouldn't it? I've been in a serious relationship for over two years! I don't know how to date. I don't know how NOT to be Matt's girlfriend. We're still friends, but . . . what happens now?

>>> Chapter Twenty-Eight