Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.
Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.
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Chapter Twenty-Eight
Same Mistakes
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Same Mistakes
Starting over from scratch was almost impossible. Despite the fact that Matt and I were in a "dating other people" status, I couldn't help but still think of him as my boyfriend. He was a big part of my life, not to mention his parents had practically adopted me. Regardless of dating status, I still came over for Sunday night dinners. I called his Mom to hang out on Saturdays, I called his brother to get spiritual advice, and I got my priesthood blessings from his Dad. So when Josh asked me on a date the day after Matt and I changed our status, I was hesitant to reply.
Immediately reminded of years earlier when Matt first declared his love for me, I had to wonder, is this a trick? Did Josh ask me out because Matt told him to? Is this going to blow up in my face? In addition to my failing self esteem, I was also struggling with my emotions. I was still very much in love with Matt, despite our constant fighting, but there was also this strange and confusing feeling for Josh. He reminded me of what it felt like so long ago, when the tingles still ran up and down my spine at the notion that love was a fairy tale and not something you actually had to work at.
I agreed to see a movie with Josh. And then Matt, Josh and I did something that would essentially set the tone for the rest of our lives: we went on a double date.
Unlike my previously ended relationships, I never went around hating Josh or Matt. Strangely, I felt more comfortable in their presence - even together - than I did alone with many of my girlfriends. The three of us able to spend time together gave me a strange sense of freedom - like I wouldn't have to ever actually make a choice, even though I wasn't being asked to. Unfortunately, the three of us became four when Josh took me to see Atlantis, and Matt showed up with a date.
Romantic setting firmly in place, I had to disconnect myself from Matt entirely. He was no longer my boyfriend and it was no longer the three of us hanging out - platonically. I chose my seat accordinly and stepped in first, allowing Josh to sit beside me, followed by Matt's date, keeping Matt and I as far apart as we could on a single row in a movie theatre.
A half hour into the movie and I had forgotten completely that things should in fact be very awkward right then. Looking over Josh's shoulder I watched Matt and his date, fixated on the screen, paying no attention to the two of us at all. Could this really work? Could we just move on as simply as we began?
It was in the middle of my desperate concentration when I felt something on my arm. I looked down at the armrest that separated Josh and I. His arm lingered there, every so slightly brushing up against mine. My face felt suddenly hot and those long lost tingles returned as I nervously moved my arm closer to his. By the time his fingers interlaced with mine I had completely forgotten how to breathe. It was also at this time that I remembered the awkward situation I had somehow gotten myself into, and when Josh wasn't looking, I peered over his shoulders to look at Matt again - secretly checking to see if he too was physically connecting with his date.
The date ended as easy at it had begun and I went to bed hoping for blissful dreams about Josh. Dreams that would pull me out of the confusion I was feeling. Those dreams didn't come however. My night was filled with more confusion. Mixed emotions weaving between thoughts of my missed opportunities with Josh and my potential future with Matt.
When I woke the next morning, I noticed a letter sticking out of the side of the mailbox, a place Josh and I had used years earlier to exchange letters. After bringing the letter inside, I laughed upon opening it, noticing that he had written it in the language of the Atlantians - a code that had to have taken him a long time to put together - and an equally long time for me to decipher. It let me know how much he enjoyed himself, though he had admitted to feeling uncomfortable and unsure of his feelings. Josh was going out of town that night, and had promised to call me when he got back in town a week later. I was looking forward to his call.
Unfortunately, I never got it.
Two days after Josh left town, in a melodramatic fashion that I was so famed for, I had called Matt up on the phone.
"I'm still in love with you. I think I always will be." I cried, desperate to find a solution to my endless emotional drama.
"I . . . I love you too," Matt replied and I felt relief swell inside of me. We could fix things and I wouldn't have to make any decisions, Matt could make them for me. We could just go back to normal and forget this ever happened. We could forget we ever even fought before. Maybe we didn't even really have problems to begin with. "It's just . . ." Matt continued.
"What?" I asked.
"I need time. We didn't break up for nothing," he said.
"We didn't break up." I insisted. "We decided to see other people, like as in addition to each other." Panic began to return, replacing the relief I so recently felt.
"Well, I don't know how I feel. I love you, but I need to figure things out on my own. I still want to date other people." His voice sounded distant. He hadn't forgotten the fights. He hadn't forgotten our problems like I had so emotionally tried to do.
"I . . I don't know what to do, I'm so confused," I cried.
"Maybe it would be a good time for you to figure things out too." He was still my ever sympathetic friend. He knew I was trying to jump back into a broken situation without thinking of how to repair it. He wanted to repair. He wanted to fix what was wrong, and he was right . . . we couldn't do it together. But I was stubborn.
"I love you," I said again.
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