Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.
Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.
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Chapter Twenty-Nine
Safety Net
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Safety Net
My stubborn persistence paid off. A month after my sobbing phone confession Matt agreed to be exclusive again. We didn't fix anything in our relationship. Made several empty promises that went on to be broken, and soon we were right back where we started: fighting. This time, we knew we had a way out. We'd gone through the breakup before so our arguments, no matter how large or small ended with threats of one of us or the other ending things.
Depending who made the threat, the other person would immediately beg for forgiveness, the fight would end and then nothing would change. We added it all up to meeting so young and growing up at different paces. The fact that my home life was getting worse and worse didn't help. I had completed high school early, and all I did was work. After leaving the daycare, I took a job working alongside Kristine at the McDonalds up the street. The closer I got to my eighteenth birthday, the more I wanted out of the house and into a new life. No one was getting along and I was taking it out on everyone close to me. It didn't help that I was getting closer to my new friends at work and an extra shift on Sunday was causing me to miss Church. I hadn't seen Audra or Jen in weeks, and I all but stopped caring.
Our relationship nearly imploded in late October when the anniversary of my Grandmother's death was creeping up on me. Instead of screaming and yelling like we normally did during our stupid arguments, Matt and I sat down and decided to talk like the adults we were so close to turning into. Matt was closing in on his eighteenth birthday as well, which meant that soon he'd begin preparations for a mission, as most young men of our faith do. He'd be gone for two years, and the weight of that decision was causing me to either cling to him with all I had in me, or push him away in order to prevent getting hurt. To save what little friendship we had left, we made the mutual decision to end things. Love or not, we needed to be apart for our own sanity.
A month later, Josh once again showered me in forgiveness and asked me out on a date. The more time I spent with Josh, the more I realised that Matt had been right all those months ago. I had jumped back into the relationship too quickly without thinking, and now, things were beginning to look up. A few months later and I even started giving up my Sunday work shift in order to sit with Josh in Sunday school.
One day after work, I went over to Josh's house, hoping that he had a chance to spend some time together as we rarely had a moment alone, seeing that I worked most nights, and during the day Josh was still in school. He took me outside and we stood on his front lawn, which here in New Mexico equaled about two tons of colorful rocks.
"Something the matter?" I asked, reaching for his hand which hung there limply, avoiding my touch.
"I'm sorry," he paused. "Now's not a good time for us to be dating, Jia." Josh called me Jia. It was a nickname I had long ago during our freshman year. My given name, Jessica, had been so normal I needed to change it. But Jia was another lifetime ago and I had changed my name back to Jessica the last year, hoping to bury Jia - and her rebellious nature - in the past where she belonged. I didn't expect to take it up again years later when a website named blogger began calling to me like a siren. At the time, Josh was the only one who still called me Jia.
I deserved his rejection of course. Not once but twice had I left him for another boy. And not just any other boy, but his best friend. When Matt and I got in too deep and ended things, I always seemed to go running back to Josh. They each had become my comfort zones, my safe nets. I was scared of anything else in the real world. Matt and Josh were all I knew.
"Why?" I finally asked him. "I want a reason." After all, anytime I broke up with him I had a reason - albeit a really selfish and crappy one - but a reason nonetheless.
"There are a lot of reasons," he answered. "I don't actually want a serious girlfriend right now and to be honest, I'm sorry but it's really hard to trust you." He didn't look me in the eye, and even if he had, I wouldn't have returned his gaze. He had every right not to trust me. "Besides, the other day at church you were going into a meeting and I hugged you goodbye, and Matt was standing behind you, and the look on his face . . ." Josh paused, turned away and then brought his gaze back to meet mine. "He's my best friend. I can't hurt him like that."
Mouth agape, I stood there dumbfounded. The world was upside down. Josh had rejected me and let it slip that the mere image of another boy hugging me was somehow painful to Matt. Afraid to not be with either one of them, I began wondering if once again, Matt and I had made a mistake.
Writing in my journal later that night, I fiddled with the gold locket that hung around my neck, a locket that Matt gave to me on my sixteenth birthday, my most treasured possession. I'd never loved anyone like Matt, and despite all the reasons we had for ending things, there was that passion that burned deep in my heart for him. It was something that I didn't think could ever go away. Then again, I'd always had a hard time with change. I gazed around my room at all the pictures of Matt that still hung on my walls, the presents and knick knacks he had given me adorned my book shelf, desk and dresser almost like nothing at all had ever changed between us.
"This is stupid," I mumbled and picked up the phone and dialed Matt's number, looking once again for my safety net.
"Hello?" Matt's Mom answered.
"Hi, Mom. Is Matt around?" I asked.
"No, he's a square," she replied and then went on to giggle at herself for several moments. "I'm kidding sweetie, I think he's actually out on a date with Kara." She finally answered my question, though not to my liking.
"Alright, I guess I'll talk to him later then." It's not as though I could judge him for being out on a date. I'd been going out on dates for months since we ended our relationship and I never once assumed he would wait around for me to change my mind - again. Nor had I wanted him to.
I didn't think to worry much. I would see Matt the following morning in seminary and I could talk to him then. For three years now I'd been attending early morning seminary and Matt always came to pick me up in the carpool we went with. Sometime close to five-thirty in the morning, there would be a knock at my window. We'd arranged it that way so no one else in the house was woken at such a horrible hour. Sometimes, if the weather permitted, I would leave my window cracked open, so I could hear Matt whisper in, "Good morning beautiful." And each of those days I would leave the house with a smile.
But as I woke the following morning, I knew everything was different. I would be driving myself to the church where our classes were held. There would be no light tapping on my window and no, "Good morning, beautiful," from Matt.
I sat up in my bed close to five am. I quickly jumped out from under the covers and started to get ready by throwing on a pair of jeans and moving over to my closet to find a shirt to wear. Digging through my small collection, I smiled as I noticed in the back of the closet where three sweaters that belonged to Matt hung there. During the course of our relationship, I often snuck one of his sweaters to wear home from Sunday dinner when I'd forgotten my coat during the winter months. They still smelled like his cologne and I took a nostalgic whiff before snatching one of my own shirts on a hanger nearby.
Digging through my jewelry box, I found every little gift he'd ever given me that I could wear. A small ring from three years ago, a silver bracelet I'd gotten the Christmas before last, and of course, my gold locket.
I laughed as I looked in the mirror, securing the locket in place, recalling the moment he had given it to me two years ago. It was the morning of my sixteenth birthday and we had arrived early to seminary. The rest of our class had not yet arrived, but several students and teachers roamed the hallways of the church building. It was early, I was grumpy, and Matt - despite the hour - was annoyingly chipper. Before I had the chance to ask him what his problem was, Matt immediately broke into song:
"When I wake up, yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you," he began softly.
A few kids in the hallway overheard him singing and poked their heads into the classroom. My eyes flew wide open and I threw the palm of my hand over his mouth to stifle the song. Of course it didn't stop him from singing, muffled through my hand as I squeezed tighter, begging him not to embarrass me. He then reached over, pinching at my side, tickling until I let go. The moment I did it was like I'd hit the max volume on a karaoke machine.
"Cause I would walk five-hundred miles and I would walk five-hundred more, just to be the man who'd walk a thousand miles to fall down at your door!"
My face, bright red, was hidden in my palms as I laughed at his display. He yanked one of my hands away from my face and kissed it before whispering, "I love you." Looking up from my humiliated expression, I smiled and echoed, "I love you." That was when he reached into his jacket and pulled a small red, velvet box.
"Forever," he said upon opening it to reveal the locket contained within.
Two years later I stood in the mirror, staring at the locket that hung around my neck, wondering what the hell went wrong.
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