Discovering Jia

I've always been a strange girl - untypical - if you will. 

Lately though, things are changing and I'm not sure where I stand. I remember being a teenager and going through so many different phases, trying to figure out who the hell I was. My freshman year of high school I decided to go by my nickname, Jia. I'd recently moved to a new city and I didn't have a friend in the world when I walked into that school on day one.

I went through stages of shyness, awkwardness, and eventually I came out of my cocoon. I could be wild and flirty, I could be sweet and gentle, I could be stubborn and often offensive. I was a member of the student council. I also threw a textbook at a teacher. I was an artist, and actress, and I loved to dance (despite my lack of talent). I was a drama queen. I was a broken soul looking for spiritual guidance.

With each change in my life, I changed my persona completely. With each new friend, I became what they wanted, what they needed, what they liked the best. I never fit in any real box though.

I still don't.

I'm still so many people...

Most of them are completely awkward.

Y'all know last year I became determined to stop wearing different shoes. To be my true self in front of everyone, regardless if it hurt their feelings, offended them or turned them away. Being too many different Jia's was too hard on my spirit. I had to just be myself.

But over the last year, I'm starting to wonder exactly who that is. Am I just the untypically awkward girl? And if so, is that enough? Can I build on just that? Can I BE just that?

I'm not expertly great at any one thing. Not like so many blogging friends that I admire who are so good at one - if not many - things. Art, comics, cooking, photography, poetry, crafts, writing . . . I've dabbled in so many things. Started so many projects and hobbies, and yet I give up. I can't figure out what drives me. What I find passion in.

I dabble in life.

And that's been okay for a number of years. But this year I overcame so much. I conquered fears. I survived the worst mental breakdown I've ever had. My marriage survived that same breakdown as well as a new job for my husband. We survived the loss of a dear pet, and welcomed a new one into our home. And I'm also changing my life. I'm losing weight. I'm no longer the 250 pound depressive mess that I was a year ago. I'm now the 236 pound occasionally neurotic mess that I am today. But I'm losing weight. And that's opening up so many opportunities. I know it will. And it scares the shit out of me. Cause I don't even know who I am now let alone who I could be 100 pounds less.

Last night I was running a program on the computer that makes it so nothing else can be done online. So I stepped away from my blogs, Facebook and Twitter and said, "I'm going to do something else." My usual go to after the computer is the TV, but Matt was in the middle of a game of his own. I stood there in the middle of the living room without a single thought as to what I could do with myself.

Of course there are things around the house that need to be done, but I quickly realised that there was nothing I wanted to do. I felt completely lost.

And I'm tired of dabbling.

I'm okay with being awkward though.

What are your hobbies? What do you find passion in? What websites perk your interest and make you want to get out and try new things? What do you consider yourself to be great at?