Matt: Sure. *comes into the living room* Here you go.
Me: Thanks.
Matt: Just so you know, I let Willow lick it.
Me: What?
Matt: Willow licked it.
Me: My tomato?
Matt: Your tomato.
Me: Are you kidding me?
Matt: No. She was curious, so I showed her and she licked it.
Me: Are you effing serious? You let our dog lick my tomato and then you just GAVE it to me anyway?
Matt: She was curious!
Me: I don't care! You let the dog lick my tomato!
Matt: So what?
Me: She licks my feet, your feet, her beefy chew toy and her own ass! My tomato is now covered in feet and ass!
Matt: Do you want me to go wash it?
Me: Yes! Please!
Matt: *washes the tomato for like 5 minutes*
Me: What's taking so long?
Matt: I'm washing the feet and ass off your tomato!
Me: . . . .
Matt: . . . .
Me: You're . . . No . . . you're not using . . . dish soap are you?
Matt: How else am I supposed to wash a tomato?
Me: Oh jeez, please tell me you're kidding.
Matt: What!? You asked me to wash it!
Me: You can't use dish soap on vegetables!
Matt: Why not?! You use it on plates and I've seen you lick plates clean.
Me: If you ingest soap, it'll give you diarrhea!
Matt: So eat the tomato and then take an imodium.
Me: You can't wash vegetables with dish soap!
Matt: Here. You're tomato's clean!
Me: It smells like apple scented Dawn.
Matt: *Sigh* Do you want another tomato?
Me: Yes, please. And thank you.
Matt: You should probably know for future reference, I let Willow check out most of our food.
Me: Umm . . . why?
Matt: Remember that discovery special we watched where they showed that dogs can detect cancer.
Me: . . . .
Matt: Don't look at me like that. It was scientifically proven!
Me: With dogs that were trained to detect cancer, yes.
Matt: They don't have to be trained.
Me: Pretty sure they do.
Matt: Don't look at me like that, you're OCD makes you wipe your face anytime someone touches it because you think it leaves finger prints!
Me: You know what? You're totally right. Fair enough.
Matt: Thank you!
Me: . . . . so is my tomato cancer free?
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| Bionic Pug Powers Include: - Cancer Detection - Spinning in Circles - Snoring |
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PS: To be totally fair, my OCD is WAY worse than his. Most of his concerns are legitimate. Mine usually involve my hands being the right temperature, I always think that I'm spelling "color" wrong and the fact that I can't properly pronounce the word "going".
PS x2: I'm pretty sure I once used one of those steel scrubbing pads to clean a potato once, so I shouldn't really be so judging.
Ps x3: The dog detected no cancer in my tomato. But she did rub her ass on the neighbors yard, so I'm not sure what to tell them about their grass situation.
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