Self Esteem Saturday: I Am a Work in Progress

Featuring Anastasia from Sweet Butter Bliss

I have low self esteem.

Actually a lot of the time I feel completely worthless. It's not so much about bad body image, although that does factor in. It's more like me as a person isn't good enough. My personality, my sense of humor, my work, my parenting, anything that defines me.

It's not everyday. I also have days where I think I am incredibly kick ass. I had an epiphany of sorts, I read that there are two basic psychological "types." One is that everything is every one else's fault. The other internalizes and thinks everything is their fault. That is exactly me. I always feel like I did something wrong. That they were rude to me because of how I look or something I said. Not because they are just asshats.

I get in dark moods where I can't understand why anyone would love me. It is incredibly frustrating for my husband because he is very loving and supportive and tells me constantly how awesome and beautiful I am but it's hard for me to hear when I'm in that place. With his help they come less and less. But when I do get there I feel defeated. I round my shoulders in and look in the mirror and hate myself. I berate myself for being stupid and I cry a lot.

My husband is allowed to get mad at things sometimes and usually I get mad back or we talk and joke about it. But on these days if he says so much as "What did the baby eat today?" I will immediately feel like he is accusing me of being a bad parent and that I haven't fed her at all. And I am always on the verge of tears. I am sure I am the worst parent of all time. I worry that my children don't like me and that I am not raising them "right." Worthless is the exact word. Who the !@#$ would want me? Sometimes I feel like my family might be better without me. (For clarifications sake, not in a suicidal kind of way, so please don't stage an intervention or anything)

My mother chose drugs and alcohol over me. My father got custody because she od'ed and she rarely took up her visitation. She would promise me things like Disney World and big beautiful Christmas's. I knew in my little heart that it was all lies, but part of me couldn't help believe it a little bit and get excited, only to be left staring out the window all day at our empty drive way.

My step dad molested me. Repeatedly. And when I finally told my dad and step mom, no one believed me. I think they still think I made it up. My mom actually called to tell me how disappointed her and my step dad were and that he was sitting right next to her. She chose him over me. This was in elementary school.

When my step mom and Dad got a divorce. She told me not to cry, because it wasn't about me.

My Dad and I use to have a great relationship until recently. He called me a slut and told me I need to go to church more. My dad doesn't go to church. Ever.

I, like every girl with low self esteem, have had a string of boyfriends who had conditions for their love and usually ended up choosing some one or something over me.

I get that all these people were adults and had there own lives and problems to deal with. And when I think rationally I know that it wasn't my fault. I just lost on the lottery of good adults in my life and got a bunch of asshats. But self esteem and self worth don't always listen to rational thoughts. Or the thoughts of my fantastic husband who firmly believes I'm amazing and has made it his mission to make me agree with him. Every day not just some days.

I have three daughters. My goal as a mother is to make sure they never feel worthless. That they know that they are not just physically beauty, because beauty comes in all kinds, but they are beautiful inside. I make it a point to tell them I am proud of them, that they are beautiful, smart and funny everyday. So does my husband. I think it's important for them to hear it from their Daddy. I want them to have a better mother then I did. Which basically means not being passed out drunk when they come home. So the bar isn't set that high. I want them to know that they are their own self contained awesomeness. They don't need an outside source to tell them about it. They know. And if people don't agree with them then they shouldn't be in their lives. Period.

This was a little hard. Some of it came to me as I was writing it. Like little explosions of self realization. I've also never written about it before so it may sound a little raw or unpolished. I am a work in progress. I feel like I am better then before. And I want to thank Jia for doing this series, so I can get free therapy from her readers.

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Parents have such a tremendous effect on the way our self esteem is built. And no matter how many times we are called wonderful, smart, beautiful by others around us, even one wrong word from a parent can leave a lasting, infected scar on our spirits. I know that pain personally.

And I know that it can be healed. Slowly. And not always permanently, but the healing can take place.

I want to thank Anastasia for talking about something so very raw and real, despite the hurt it may have caused her. THAT is true courage. For those who have had similar experiences, I would like to encourage you to speak out about your survival of abuse at Violence UnSilenced.

Be the voice of survival.

Each week we will use Self Esteem Saturdays to spread joy and love to one another.  Please show love for Anastasia in the comments below, for being brave and putting herself out there on display to the world. 

Note: Pass the word along about Self Esteem Saturday! We need more bloggers out there rebuilding low self esteems and spreading the word that healing is a progress that can be achieved! If you are interested in being featured on Self Esteem Saturdays, please send an email with the title  "Self Esteem Saturday" to untypicallyjia@gmail.com