Hi, I'm Natalie. This is my first time; please be gentle with me.
I've been doing this blog thing for a while, but I've never been asked volunteered to write for someone else's blog. I mean, my blog is boring, so who'd ever let me post on theirs? (I think Jia was probably just being nice - I hope she doesn't regret it forever.)
I've lost sleep for days trying to figure out what I'd talk about in this post. I mean, it's MY FIRST TIME!!! It's kind of a big deal - if only in my head. At first I told Jia maybe I'd write some sappy sentimental something about endings and new beginnings (working off that New Year's theme, ya know?), but in reality, I'm over the holidays. And I've done about as much personal reflection as I'm interested in doing for at least eleven and a half more months. Let's get on with this new year, already! Time to stop looking back and start looking forward, and all that jazz.
And when I suggested the sappy essay, Jia was all, "Well, my blog's usually a little more upbeat, but maybe you could work in a way to be sappy and talk about whores? That would be cool."
Okay. Whores. It's hard to talk about whores and not drop the f-bomb, and Jia specifically requested that her guest-posters not drop the f-bomb, so maybe I shouldn't talk about whores. I might try, though.
Whore.
That's not what I think of when I think of a whore. My beliefs about whores are closer in line with Merriam-Webster, who says a whore is a chick who sleeps with dudes for money, or, alternately, a venal or unscrupulous person. Seeing as how I've never knowingly met a woman who has slept with a man for money, but I've called plenty of bitches whores, I'm not terribly strict in my interpretation. I think we all often use whore and slut interchangeably; it's good to have a diverse vocabulary. (Speaking of vocabulary, I don't think I've ever used the word venal before. I like it.)
I've got a friend who greets her friends at bars by yelling - often across the bar, while the friend is still standing at the entrance, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the dark interior, trying to find a face she recognizes - "Dirty WHORE!!!" Imagine it: All eyes in the room turn, first to the yeller, then to the person on the other side of the bar, who's often struck still like a deer in headlights, wondering if she can pretend to look around, also, for the whore the crazy bitch in the back corner is heckling. But it's meant to be a term of endearment. I don't go to bars with her anymore.
One of my favorite uses of the word 'whore' is "Shut your whore mouth!". Say it out loud, for effect. Go ahead, do it. (Unless your kids are in the room. It wouldn't be cute to hear that from a 3 year old.)
(OMG, I'm lying. That would be effing hilarious!!!)
So yeah, "Shut your whore mouth" is a dear-to-my-heart favorite. It's best used in response to a friend when she tells you something unbelievable - be it from amazement or bullshit - and you need something really powerful to show the full breadth of your shock:
Her: "I'm so glad vacation is over! I can't wait to get back to work!"
You: "Shut your whore mouth!"
Her: "I don't know why you have such a hard time conceiving - I get preggo every time DH looks at me!"
You: "Shut your whore mouth!"
Her: "I just won the lottery!!! I'm giving you a million dollars!!!"
You: "Shut your whore mouth!!!"
Again, variety is the spice of life; in terms of almost-socially-acceptable uses of the word 'whore', this little phrase is like your little black dress and works in almost all situations.
But, I will admit, I thought about it twice before I posted it in response to a friend's Facebook status. I mean, what if she's friends with her Grandma? What if the correct intention meant by the words isn't conveyed across the waves of the internet and she gets offended? Then I read her last five status updates and realized "shut your whore mouth" was sort of an improvement. And really not bad advice. (People will post anything, won't they?)
But still, if you post it on someone's Facebook status, make sure you follow it up with a ;) smiley, so your friend knows it's a joke and doesn't lose her shit and say a bunch of things you probably wish she hadn't said on the internet.
Because people will post anything.
Trust me.
*********************
You know, that didn't hurt a bit! And I didn't drop the f-bomb, not even once. (I know what you're thinking, and no, that didn't count.) If you're ever bored and need something boring to read, I blog almost daily (because it's my only hobby) at My Blog Is Boring.
Jia, thank you for taking a chance on me, and I hope I haven't let you down. :)
~ Nat
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