Charlie's TOP TEN
So, Jia’s out of town, and I get to babysit her blog today! Which is exciting, because I enjoy being a guest blogger. It feels much more exciting to blog somewhere else than on my own blogs.
(Plug: Operation Shrink Charlie’s Big Butt AND Letters to Jia- my life is blogging.)
(Plug: Operation Shrink Charlie’s Big Butt AND Letters to Jia- my life is blogging.)
And Jia told me I could talk about anything I wanted. So I figure I ought to go for broke.
TOP TEN REASONS I HATE MY PERIOD
(and she told me I'm not allowed to use pictures. I understand. Thankfully, my shocking ability to create mental pictures should get the point across beautifully!)
(and she told me I'm not allowed to use pictures. I understand. Thankfully, my shocking ability to create mental pictures should get the point across beautifully!)
1. It’s been happening for 23 years, and I’m OVER it.
Sure, I was all excited the first time it happened. And the second time. And quite possibly even the third time. After that, it’s like watching the same episode of The Brady Bunch over and over again. Which is really annoying if it’s the one where Marsha gets her nose broken by the football. How many times do I really need to go through watching the football slam Maureen in the face? Speaking of noses…
Sure, I was all excited the first time it happened. And the second time. And quite possibly even the third time. After that, it’s like watching the same episode of The Brady Bunch over and over again. Which is really annoying if it’s the one where Marsha gets her nose broken by the football. How many times do I really need to go through watching the football slam Maureen in the face? Speaking of noses…
2. It stinks.
Literally. I pride myself on talking about the things no one else talks about. So let’s hit this one. What is up with that peculiar odor that comes with your monthly cycle? It’s not like normal “I cut myself and now I smell like a penny” stink. Nope, that odor is unmistakable. You can’t miss it. Mother Nature’s own perfume. {I wonder why Calvin Klein hasn’t marketed that yet? The commercial would be hysterical. A woman laying on a beach in a white bikini, a hot guy walks by (not wearing a shirt, of course, and resembling Nathan Fillion) and looks at her with lust in his eyes. She rolls onto her back, and there’s a huge white pad silhouette on her rear as she reaches out to him. Then the voice over says “Period. By Calvin Klein.” How can he go wrong with that?} The worst is when you walk into a public restroom and you smell someone else’s “smell”. It’s not like yours, yet eerily close enough that you recognize it immediately.
Literally. I pride myself on talking about the things no one else talks about. So let’s hit this one. What is up with that peculiar odor that comes with your monthly cycle? It’s not like normal “I cut myself and now I smell like a penny” stink. Nope, that odor is unmistakable. You can’t miss it. Mother Nature’s own perfume. {I wonder why Calvin Klein hasn’t marketed that yet? The commercial would be hysterical. A woman laying on a beach in a white bikini, a hot guy walks by (not wearing a shirt, of course, and resembling Nathan Fillion) and looks at her with lust in his eyes. She rolls onto her back, and there’s a huge white pad silhouette on her rear as she reaches out to him. Then the voice over says “Period. By Calvin Klein.” How can he go wrong with that?} The worst is when you walk into a public restroom and you smell someone else’s “smell”. It’s not like yours, yet eerily close enough that you recognize it immediately.
3. Period fingers.
This has got to be Jia’s favorite topic of mine that I have ever blogged about. She was one of the few who commented on it. But every woman knows what I am talking about. It’s when you wake up in the morning to discover you scratched the “area” in your sleep, and your hands look like you committed murder. What a way to wake up. Then you get to spend the next 20 minutes scrubbing your nails with a toothbrush. It’s probably best I don’t have a real job to rush off to in the mornings…
This has got to be Jia’s favorite topic of mine that I have ever blogged about. She was one of the few who commented on it. But every woman knows what I am talking about. It’s when you wake up in the morning to discover you scratched the “area” in your sleep, and your hands look like you committed murder. What a way to wake up. Then you get to spend the next 20 minutes scrubbing your nails with a toothbrush. It’s probably best I don’t have a real job to rush off to in the mornings…
4. It’s regularly irregular.
I know my body. I can read the signs- the PMS, the bloating, the frantic eating like I’m living on the green mile about to have my last meal… and yet, I am ALWAYS surprised when it hits. Why? Because it’s not scheduled like clockwork. I hate that.
I know my body. I can read the signs- the PMS, the bloating, the frantic eating like I’m living on the green mile about to have my last meal… and yet, I am ALWAYS surprised when it hits. Why? Because it’s not scheduled like clockwork. I hate that.
5. The triggers that start my period.
Those triggers include: Not having tampons or pads in my purse. Being asleep on clean sheets. Planning to have WMS (wild monkey sex) with the husband later that night. Wearing a pair of brand new unstained white underwear. (That one makes me nuts) Wearing light colored pants. Having something important to do that requires you not to be hemorrhaging from the crotchal region. Planning to swim. Getting married in an hour. (My something borrowed was a tampon. NO LIE.)
Those triggers include: Not having tampons or pads in my purse. Being asleep on clean sheets. Planning to have WMS (wild monkey sex) with the husband later that night. Wearing a pair of brand new unstained white underwear. (That one makes me nuts) Wearing light colored pants. Having something important to do that requires you not to be hemorrhaging from the crotchal region. Planning to swim. Getting married in an hour. (My something borrowed was a tampon. NO LIE.)
6. The fact that guys are mystified by it.
OK, gentlemen, here’s how it works. 3-7 days a month your wife will be clinically insane. She will be an eating machine, will criticize everything you do, scream and/or cry, possibly threaten you with death, and then she will start her period and everything goes back to normal. Except that then she will be crampy, bloatey, feel super fat and unsexy. Probably has something to do with her insides falling out. This is a completely natural process. Women have been doing it since the beginning of mankind. It’s not going to change, you wife cannot rise above her horror-moan-al urges, and if you want the pooty when she’s done ragging, you have to be understanding about it from start to finish. There is no mystery. There’s no cure. So why does it still shock and amaze you your wife morphs from Donna Reed to Courtney Love in a 3 hour span? Get over it!
OK, gentlemen, here’s how it works. 3-7 days a month your wife will be clinically insane. She will be an eating machine, will criticize everything you do, scream and/or cry, possibly threaten you with death, and then she will start her period and everything goes back to normal. Except that then she will be crampy, bloatey, feel super fat and unsexy. Probably has something to do with her insides falling out. This is a completely natural process. Women have been doing it since the beginning of mankind. It’s not going to change, you wife cannot rise above her horror-moan-al urges, and if you want the pooty when she’s done ragging, you have to be understanding about it from start to finish. There is no mystery. There’s no cure. So why does it still shock and amaze you your wife morphs from Donna Reed to Courtney Love in a 3 hour span? Get over it!
7. The fact that friends cycle together.
If you have a good gal pal that you spend lots of time with, or work with other women closely in your office, chances are you have experienced this. It makes no sense to me, but then again, neither does NASCAR. All I know is that for a week, every woman I love makes me crazy, then we all start our period and forgive each other with Fanny May chocolates and Margaritas. At least we can borrow tampons from each other cause we are all packing heat…
If you have a good gal pal that you spend lots of time with, or work with other women closely in your office, chances are you have experienced this. It makes no sense to me, but then again, neither does NASCAR. All I know is that for a week, every woman I love makes me crazy, then we all start our period and forgive each other with Fanny May chocolates and Margaritas. At least we can borrow tampons from each other cause we are all packing heat…
8. The fact we bloat.
I don’t see how this benefits us in any way shape or form. It kinda ruins my shape, and then I get all convinced that I maybe am preggers and get excited. Then the flood hits and I bawl my eyes out for 10 minutes because I’m not, and I move on. My stomach returns to its normal pre-bloat state (which shockingly resembles my bloated state- only a trained eye can tell the difference) and I move on with my day.
I don’t see how this benefits us in any way shape or form. It kinda ruins my shape, and then I get all convinced that I maybe am preggers and get excited. Then the flood hits and I bawl my eyes out for 10 minutes because I’m not, and I move on. My stomach returns to its normal pre-bloat state (which shockingly resembles my bloated state- only a trained eye can tell the difference) and I move on with my day.
9. The fact we bleed at all.
I once heard a comedienne say “Why can’t I shove a stack of post-it notes and a sharpie up there, and you can just stick a note in my panties that says not pregnant?” I agree wholeheartedly. That seems much kinder and gentler than the current method.
I once heard a comedienne say “Why can’t I shove a stack of post-it notes and a sharpie up there, and you can just stick a note in my panties that says not pregnant?” I agree wholeheartedly. That seems much kinder and gentler than the current method.
9 ½. PUBES AND ADHESIEVES.
We’ve all brazillian waxed half on accident at least once with a rouge wing. ‘Nuff said.
We’ve all brazillian waxed half on accident at least once with a rouge wing. ‘Nuff said.
10. The fact that the one week of the year our kids are gone, and the hubs and I can christen every room in the house with WMS, I start bleeding and it’s GAME OVER.
And those are the top 10 reasons I hate my period.
Thanks, Jia, for letting me vent on your blog. I love you, Whoreface.
Come back tomorrow to see the next guest blogger! She probably won’t be as low brow as me… at least I hope she's not for your sake!!!
