The Trouble with Luggage and Airports

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The last week of December, I'll be going to Denver.

I don't even think I have proper luggage. I could of course head over to my favourite place, CSN to get some fancy luggage, cause they've got everything from rolling bags to stylish briefcases. I'm looking at the site right now as I type this. I'm envious of people who have pretty luggage like this cause seriously, I usually have a backpack as my carry on and an old suitcase that once belonged to my Grandmother.

That suitcase is now sitting out on my front porch because it was recently found buried in the depths of my in laws garage and I'm certain that spiders got in it somehow. Just because spiders are out to get me all the time. You have to be alert 24/7. Since we never really travel, we had apparently been using the suitcase for storage of just random crap cause whenever we move, we skip the whole organized box packing and go straight to storing our junk in whatever receptacle we can find. In this situation, a suitcase.

Matt's mother insisted that we go through all the junk we left at their house because they were getting ready for a garage sale and wanted our crap to either be sold or taken away regardless. I was eager to toss the suitcase in the garbage myself (because of the potential spiders) but Matt insisted that we could have stored something valuable in it.

Once the case was opened, I was surprised to see an old Family Guy trivia game, a blanket that turned into a pillow, and among the action figures from Matt's childhood that we've lugged around with us these past 6 years of marriage, I spotted something oddly familiar.

"Shut the suitcase!" I shouted and then quickly leaped in front of my mother in law, thus blocking her vision.

"What's in the bag?" She asked.

"Hey, look at that!" I shouted and pointed in the opposite direction, kicking my foot backwards to point to the item in the suitcase that needed to be immediately hidden from sight.

Being the good Mom that she is, she did as she was told and turned away in order for Matt to quickly remove the secret item from the case and hide it in our car.

When he gave the clear for me to reopen the suitcase, I did so only to find the same secret item staring me right in the face. I screamed, jumped and repeated the process of keeping my mother in law in the dark by dramatically waving my hands in front of her face in order to disorient her and keep her eyes preoccupied while I proceeded to yell at Matt.

"I didn't see that there was another one!" He shouted back and then removed the item.

"What are you two hiding from me?" She asked.

"Certainly not sex toys that we got from a friend for our wedding six years ago and then apparently forgot about and shoved in a suitcase and left in your garage for the past four years."

No. Certainly not that.

So when I begin packing for my trip to Denver, I will need to double check the items in my suitcase. Cause I have a feeling that since TSA will probably end up trying to molest me anyway, finding a sex toy in my belongings during the luggage scan will only add to the problem.

In regards to the whole TSA issues that have gone public lately, I'm not even sure if my airport has those scanners right now. I think it's ridiculous some of the things that certain passengers have had to deal with in regards to the new "security" measures. I'm still wondering why we're not hiring Tim Roth to look for terrorists in the crowds. From what I've seen, he's pretty good at it. And he's sexy British. I'd much rather have Tim Roth accuse me of lying than have some angry TSA agent try to fondle my rack claiming that I could be hiding explosives in my cleavage.

I've never been to a Denver airport either. I wonder if their agents will be equally fascinated with my orifices. My guess is yes. Because I'm pretty hot regardless of what state I'm in.

I'll be traveling alone, which is really depressing because since Denver is also called the Mile High City because it's a mile above sea level. But since Matt is staying in New Mexico, that drastically limits my chances of getting in the mile high club.

Unless TSA hires Nathan Fillion. 

In which case, Matt and I have an understanding.