The "Self" in Self Esteem Can Be Hard to Come By

I feel tempted to break out singing, "All We Need is Love" but I have to confess, I don't know all the words.

I've been thinking about writing a post like this for quite some time now, and I've been planning a weekly feature on my blog based on my strong feelings in regards to a few issues. In the wake of tonights episode of Glee, I feel like now is an appropriate time.

You've no doubt heard about the suicides that happened recently that have gained much media attention. Several young gay teenagers decided that taking their own lives was a better option than facing what they were up against. What were they up against? Bullying.

My heart went out to their families, and still goes out to anyone who is being ridiculed and harassed for being one thing or another. At first I, like many people, assumed it was just about being gay. They were gay and being attacked for it. My opinion on gay marriage may say one thing about me, but that is another discussion that would no doubt involve a lot of religion and politics and I'm so not the political type. Nor do I feel that I am the religious pushy type. You'll never hear me tell anyone that they're going to hell. You'll never hear my pleas to the "heathens" out there, begging them to let me save them.

Cause I'm just as heathen as the next person.
I dunk my french fries in a milk shake like all the other sinners and freaks out there.

But I realised that this wasn't about being gay.
It was about bullies.

I'm not gay.
But I was bullied.

When I was a little girl, maybe six years old I remember being chased down in the open field outside of my elementary school on the way home. I lived less than two blocks away. My older sister was supposed to pick me up and I had forgotten and started walking home. Two kids, former friends began following me and making fun of me. They teased me because I had red hair. Freckles. They called me ugly and poor. They made fun of me because my mother was dead. And then one of them punched me in the face.

I'm not quite sure what would have happened had my older sister not shown up when she did. And frankly, I love her for it. Cause there's just not quite anything like watching your sixteen year old sibling scare the living hell out of your six year old bully.

But it didn't stop there.

In California I was teased for not being pretty. While other girls were already developing, wearing mini skirts, had tans and highlighted hair, I was the pale, shy girl who didn't know anyone because she was new. When a boy finally admitted that he liked me, his friends harassed him and told him I was secretly a boy.

When we moved to New Mexico I had a fresh start. I was filling out and looked like the other girls in my glass. Rounder shapes became beautiful. But one thing happened that I didn't expect, I was one of only three white girls on my bus home from school. Local Navajo teenagers who were the majority in the area would throw rocks at me the whole way home. When I tried to be nice to a new Navajo girl who I recognized from one of my classes, I was called a white bitch and spat on.

And that's all it took. I didn't have many problems in High School. I had many friends of all genders, sizes, races, and religions. They loved me for who I was, no matter how different I was from them. Despite my best friend being what I thought was model quality, I was the one who had six boyfriends my Freshman year. I was beautiful, full figured, and very, very loved.

But the damage had already been done. I was Fat. Ugly. Stupid. And unworthy of their love. Certainly they must have only accepted me for pity sake. In fact, when Matt risked everything to tell me that he was in love with me, a part of me waited for the ball to drop. I thought it was a joke.
How could someone as funny, wonderful, and handsome as he was   . . . want me?

I began making fun of myself.
Lied and said that if I was laughing first, no one else could.
But no one else was laughing.

When I became an adult, as girls with low self esteem often do, I fell in with wrong crowds. Dated men I shouldn't have. Lost track of what was important. Learned to be angry and to hate . . . and I hated a lot. When a boyfriend broke up with me and his next girlfriend was half my size, I assumed he left because I was fat and ugly. I've thought this for years. About eight years to be exact. When recently discussing the "good old days" with an old friend I made a nasty comment about my ex, and he seemed confused.

"Well he treated me like crap. Broke up with me and went out with that anorexic chick." I defended my anger.

"You don't know anything do you?" He said to me.

It wasn't my body that pushed him away. It was how I felt about it. I rolled my eyes when anyone said that I was pretty. I would make fun of my flaws when receiving compliments. I would take pictures of others but refuse to be photographed. It was my lack of confidence and self esteem that drove others away.

"You were very lovable, but so hard to love."

And I still am.

Believing I was fat for so long, I gave up and gained over a hundred pounds in less than ten years. Put my health in jeopardy. My relationships, and every inch of my life on the line because I didn't love myself. Because when growing up, I was told things by very mean children. Words that sometimes cannot heal in time before disease truly kicks in.

I know what it's like to be different.
And God help me, I don't want anyone to feel like that.

Fat, skinny, gay, straight, geek, jock, shy . . . It's unfortunate that we live by the darkness that comes with these labels instead of finding our inner and outer beauty. But we can't do it all on our own. Self Esteem doesn't happen by accident. You can't find it on the sidewalk like a stray penny. It needs to be built. And while it's being built by ones self, and hopefully those around them, it cannot be torn down at the same time by bullies.

I don't have kids now, so what little effect I can have on the growing generations remains to be seen. But I can make a statement to the adults who might happen to read my blog. And my statement is this:

I'm sick of not loving myself enough.

And I'm sick of you not loving yourself.

Sick to death of it.

I want to join other bloggers in helping rebuild torn down self esteems. Because self esteem can be torn away so easily, and no one should think that suicide is the answer. Everyone should feel beautiful inside and out.

So I will do my part in trying to rebuild my peeps.

Every Saturday I am going to feature a blogger (or whoever else wants to jump in the game). I want them to talk about how they feel about themselves, and why. I will post pictures. Because posting pictures of yourself online is so hard sometimes. Because sometimes, you just don't see yourself as the world sees you. So I will post pictures and let the world see. And let the world comment. Let my readers tell you how beautiful you are and specifically why.

Because you may hate your freckles, your weight, your hair color, or an unsightly mole . . . but if I've learned anything from the amazing support system that has come up since starting this blog, it's that people have a way of seeing the sparkle in your eyes when you feel lifeless.

If you would like to be featured on Self Esteem Saturdays, please send an email to UntypicallyJia@gmail.com with the title "Self Esteem Saturday" in the subject line.

*Note* I wouldn't be suggesting this if there weren't bullies out there, even on the world wide web, therefore comments on Self Esteem Saturdays will be heavily monitored. Anyone posting negative comments will receive a severe lashing from myself, and heaven help them if they're stupid enough to leave any identifying marks. I want people to feel safe, and to know that they are loved.

I wanted to also include a list of several posts regarding self esteem lately that have touched my heart in ways that you can't begin to imagine. I hope that maybe they help touch yours too:


Everything at the Blogger Body Calendar. A group of bloggers have gotten together and made a beautiful calendar to show different and yet all beautiful bodies. All proceeds go to the National Eating Disorders Association.

Everyone is Beautiful (by the Bloggess)


Thank You, From a Fat Girl (by Loralee's Looney Tunes) - This post hit home so hard that I honestly plan to write something similar because it was so damn inspiring to me.