Self Esteem Saturday: Validate Yourself First

Featuring Amberly, from The Haney Family

Thank you Jia for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts on Self Esteem. It was difficult to dredge up the emotions that surround my self-esteem, but I appreciate the opportunity, and hope that my thoughts help someone else.

You’re too short. You’re fat. You’re different because you are Mormon. You’re not smart enough. You’re not funny. You are a snob. You are not good enough. You are not talented enough. And so on and so forth.

Those are what the voices say, the voices that I constantly hear in my head day in and day out. I know that my self-esteem should be inward, but I know that my difficulties with my self-esteem begins with me, but have been woefully affected by outside influences.

I have battled self-esteem from the time that I was little.

I am the oldest of five sisters, and felt that I have been in a competition for love my entire life. In that competition for love, my self-esteem came under attack much of the time. The competition to be the smartest, cutest, most talented, and I have never been able to win that competition in my mother’s eyes. The self-esteem battle for me truly started at home.

I wanted to excel, but was always held to a higher standard. When I didn’t achieve that standard, I was looked down upon. This has continued to this day. I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. I realize that some of the issues come because we are very much alike, though I have never been perfect enough in her eyes. The defining moment in that relationship came when I finally stood up to her four years ago, and said I didn’t need to take it anymore and walked out. I know that she does love me, though; she has truly affected my feelings of self-worth.

I began to think of the experiences in my life that have affected my self-esteem, and the experiences have happened when I was in school. When I was in the sixth grade, I had a teacher who loved and encouraged me, and I felt like I could do or be anything, and I remember that year being fantastic. I had friends, and I was the “cool” kid in school. I was feeling confident and happy, and on top of the world. Then I went to the Seventh Grade, and as I went from being the “cool kid” to someone who was different, and suddenly not so confident, and I also became more challenged in school. Shortly after this time, we moved from a typical school to a K-8 school with a class of 13 kids. I became even more self- conscious, as I was very different, I came into a new class, and I was the “Mormon” girl who was not as cute or small as they were, and came from a huge family, with all of my sisters at the same school.

I tried really hard to fit in, but I believed different from them, and when my “best friend” was out doing things that I didn’t really believe were good choices, I didn’t feel like I could say anything, because I wanted a friend so very badly. I ended up ending that year with 12 kids passing the 8th grade with me, and being the Salutatorian. I finally felt like I had accomplished something, and pleased myself, it was a great day. And then I went to high school. This was an eye opening, and challenging experience. I really became the different girl, and felt that I didn’t measure up. I vividly remember sitting in drama class, and having a teacher tell me that I couldn’t be an astronaut because I was a girl. I told the teacher that I could be anything that I wanted to be, and walked out, and ended up getting out of the class. I felt proud of myself, but also felt like I was looked down upon because I was different.

Throughout high school, I just wanted to have friends. I tried so hard to be liked, but I was always seen as “the girl who was different, whether it was because I was fat, or not as funny. I know that a lot of this was in my head, or things that I felt. I ended up starving myself my senior year and felt so much better about myself, because I was thin. I started working, and after a month of working there, a boy that I had a huge crush on asked me out, and we started dating. I was on top of the world. And three weeks after that, he dumped me, with no reason, and like that, I was suddenly at the bottom of the barrel. The worry, fear and self-doubt settled in again.

I continued working, and ended up making friends from other schools, and life was turning better. I was asked to prom, and was so excited. I remember thinking that I looked so good that night, as I had lost a lot of weight, and finally felt cute. Then on the last day of high school, we were all signing year books, and in one of my “friends” year books, someone had written, “So glad, high school is over, we don’t have to worry about Amberly following us around anymore." That comment has stung for years. I have carried that hurt for years. 

After high school, I went to Ricks College. I finally wasn’t the weird Mormon girl, and I made new friends. I left all of the pain of high school behind and tried to make a new name for my self. This was a defining moment for me in my life. I felt confident, and happy. Fast forward 10 years, I have now been married for 9 years, and am very happily married to a man who has truly helped change the way I feel about myself.

However, there is a large part of my self-esteem that comes from not being a mother. I have battled infertility for 9 years. I have heard the comments, answered the questions, and cried every Mother’s Day. I feel the hurt, and am trying to work on the emotions that come from wanting to be a mom so badly.

I wish I could say that I truly love myself, and at 31 years old, I think I am starting to finally like myself. It has taken being loved by my husband, and friends who support me in my life. I have been battling my weight my entire life, I have finally begun to really enjoy exercise. I love the way I feel when someone I haven’t seen tells me I look great, it means the world. I know that my self-esteem is closely related to what others think of me. I also know that the media plays a part, as you see the commercials of skinny girls, or the diet pills, or the things that make people feel like that’s the way you need to look. I appreciate the ads for “normal size girls” and the platform for the self-worth of women. I feel like I am constantly trying to still keep up to be the cutest, smartest, or most fun girl there is. I know that this will be a continued battle for me, as it is for so many women.

Jia did ask me to share the one thing that I love about myself. This was a challenging question, as I know that I along with so many other women look in the mirror each morning and look at each of the flaws. I can say that I love my eyes, I love the color, I love that I smile with my eyes, and that they are different. I also love that I am a good teacher and friend and from what my husband says, an amazing wife. I have spent my entire life feeling the need to just be loved, and validated, and am finally beginning to realize that I need to validate myself first, before I can accept anyone else to do that for me. Thank you Jia for allowing me to share my thoughts, and to hopefully allow others to recognize how beautiful and wonderful they are.

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You know the type of person that seems to light up a room when they enter? I feel like Amberly does that for the blogosphere. Her smile is completely infectious and there is so much strength in her I find it easy to compare myself . . . but that goes against our self esteem rules, so I won't.

But I will say how much I adore Amberly and her infectious smile and her bright, shining spirit! And her bright eyes and adorable hair-do!

Each week we will use Self Esteem Saturdays to spread joy and love to one another.  Please show love for Amberly in the comments below, for being brave and putting herself out there on display to the world. 

If you are interested in being featured on Self Esteem Saturdays, please send an email with the title  "Self Esteem Saturday" to untypicallyjia@gmail.com


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