Back then.
Now I know what drowning in panic feels like.
It's frustrating that anxiety can so quickly lead to depression in just minutes. How a perfectly nice day can go awry within what feels like hours but in reality, can be as short as a few minutes passing. But those minutes are painful. And it's so easy to fall into the pattern.
Panic attack.
Depression.
Panic attack.
Depression.
Panic attack.
Depression.
And then in my case you add a few other key elements.
Obsession.
Panic attack.
Compulsion.
Depression.
It's hard to break the cycle. I need a reminder.
As I sat in my chair today in the middle of a panic attack, gasping for breath despite my properly working lungs . . . I thought of Eva. And how angry I was that my body wasn't letting me enjoy those breaths. At how gasping for air, the ability to fill my lungs inside of a panic attack was something terrible, and how the ability to breathe was twisted inside my body. Contorted into a darkness.
I was determined to live this year to the fullest. To love, love, love. To have that love mean something. Especially when it came to loving myself.
It's hard to follow through sometimes.
I need reminders.
A reminder that life is so short and it needs to be full of love.
A reminder that I am beautiful, no matter what my bad days tell me.
A reminder that I am not my OCD.
A reminder that despite my anxiety, I can in fact still breathe.
A reminder that depression does not define me.
And can be endured.
.
6 comments:
Did I ever recommend the Panic Away program to you? I haven't had a panic attack in over a year, and I recommended it to a friend who was having them daily, and she hadn't had one in 3 weeks the last time I talked to her. It treats panic attacks like an old friend, rather than the enemy. It works.
Email me if you want the info.
Oh, and I didn't know until 3 of them what they were. I thought I was having menopause hot flashes!
You are not your OCD. You are not your anxiety or your depression, either.
Remember that panic is a bully. There is nothing in a panic attack to physically or mentally harm you, but the fear is enough to incapacitate you. I've had panic attacks all my life; I literally don't know any other way to be. But I'm learning now to stand up for myself against the fear in my mind. And to remember that I'm stronger, and bullies can't cope with strength.
You are beautiful. You are strong - with what people like us have to go through, it takes Herculean strength just to get through each day, and you do that! You are AMAZING strong.
Fill your days with nothing but love and positivity from all the people who love you. Don't let doubt and discouragement make you forget all that you are and can be.
!!!!HUGS!!!!
Yeah you mentioned it before and I will try it out eventually when I have enough money for it.
Thanks chica. For a while I've been all happy go lucky on my blog and avoiding the panicky posts, but I need them here as reminders. Have you seen that video of Casey from Moosh in Indy that she posted recently? Tears to my eyes (the flowy bawling kind). I need something like that.
One of my favourite quotes that I try to use as often as possible is: "Worry gives a small thing a big shadow."
I could have written this myself.
I need to not let my OCD and my anxiety define me. It's so hard b/c those panic attacks seem to last forever when it's really maybe 3 minutes at a time. The world stops and I keep going, or I freeze and the world moves too fast...
those are good reminders. I'm going to make them post its and put them around my desk for myself.
I also have panic attacks and experience chest pains as well as tightness of breath. It's awful because you feel like you are dying. I need reminders too, Gia. Thanks for your post. I've committed myself to getting better a little at a time. Knowing other people out there are struggling makes me sad but also gives me a feeling of kinship. I'm not going through this alone.
Post a Comment