Who DOESN'T Want to Talk About Sex With Their Parents?

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About once every few months, my mother-parent-person (aunt) takes pity on her poor drivers license-less child and breaks her out of this apartment style tomb to go eat free salad. Free cause she pays. She brings along my baby sister too, but mostly because she's pregnant and needs to be fed at least once a day or I'm assuming a scene from Alien vs Predator takes place.

It's a special time where we bond as mother and daughter type people.

It's also a time where my sister and I repeatedly remind her of the horrifying shit we did as teenagers that she never knew about until now.

"Remember how the front window broke and we said we'd never climbed through it before?"

"Check out this scar. You never saw this cause I fell on a rusty nail one time."

"Remember that time you asked why the vodka tasted like half of it had been replaced with water?"

I'm kidding on some of those. I'll let you pick which ones.

It's also a time where we are reminded that we are women. And women in our family talk. A lot. About very inappropriate things. Get enough beer in several of them, and the night never ends. Luckily, a lot of the adults are getting up there in age and beer is no longer necessary for an amusing afternoon.

We went to the Sizzler today. I was reminded twice that my meal was free so I should stop bitching about it. I'll point out that I wasn't bitching, I was saying "I told you so". There's a big difference.

The three of us sat there in the restaurant: one senial old woman, one hormonally charged pregnant woman, and one hot tempered redhead going through caffeine withdrawals. We made a bit of a scene.


Here is a list of things that may or may not have been said  
(and I'm not saying who said what)

• Doesn't anyone speak English in this place?
• You've got boobs!
• I was checking the buffet for flies before I decided to eat here.
• Yes we're going up for seconds, she's two people and I'm fat and hungry.
•  . . . and then she found a condom under the doily!
• Yeah, he couldn't walk for days.
• I practically went into heat. Four times a day!
• I thought men had erections all day long.
• No, she threw out all of her sex toys.
• Women on the television lie. No one likes giving oral sex.
• Oh everyone knew Grandma was a wild woman in her days.

I won't lie. People stared.