If I Were Skinny . . .

Tweet

After writing yesterdays post I hesitated for a moment before clicking "publish post". I thought to myself, "I've gone too far. Certainly I will wake in the morning and discover nothing but comments telling me how inappropriate I am and how my readers are leaving me because they thought I had standards and I have genuinely disappointed them."

But the opposite happened. You people loved it. Wished you were there. Shared your own dirty little tales. The lurkers came out of the woodwork devoting their lives to my cause. Now I need to find a cause.

But you were not offended.

Clearly I am not trying hard enough.

So I thought I'd blog about being fat today. Not the downs of being a big boned girl, but the thoughts that enter your head when you think about your future skinny self. And while I'm down for the "health trumps image" card, image still makes an impact.

When I walk around the mall, I don't look at all the healthy looking people and say, "Wow, I wish I had her fully functional uterus and balanced hormones!" or "Did you see how great that girls cholesterol levels are?!"

No.

I walk around the mall and imagine what it would be like to be able to shop inside ANY store instead of wanting to burn the place to the ground, saving only Lane Bryant and Hot Dog on a Stick. I look at the girls with envy. Not because they are healthy. But because they fit in clothes. Because even though I rock out in my skinny jeans, my skinny jeans are still a size 22.

I can look into the future. I can see myself in sizes smaller than 18. I can see shirts that don't have any amount of X's on the tags. I can see it. I can also visualize my healthy self. I can see clear skin. I can see normal lab work. I can see knees that don't ache and feet that don't swell. I can see climbing stairs without gasping for air. I can see it all.

But I can also see doing things that future me could do. I can say things like, "When I lose weight, I'll be able to run marathons!" or "When I lose weight, I'll be able to play sports, go hiking, and enjoy the outdoors more."

But every once in a while, despite the fact that I'd NEVER actually do it . . .

"You know, if I were skinny, I could make so much money as a stripper."

Because apparently being thin is the only requirement. Well, thin and having an awesome rack. And I've already got one of those nailed down to perfection.

But there is one tiny problem, I have no rhythm. I can't dance to save my life. It's very sad. I once bought Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease DVDs. Those things are decent. It's a good workout. But you should never, ever do them in front of a mirror.

Especially if you're a stereotypical white girl who can't walk straight in silence let alone move to a beat.

I realise I should stick to goals of running marathons. People fall down in those all the time. It's expected that you'll injure yourself.

But falling off a stripper pole... that's just something you don't come back from.

Plus, skinny or not, I've never been able to pull off wearing  hooker heels.