There's No Anxiety in Neverland

When you're fighting depression and anxiety related illness, everyday can change in the blink of an eye. You can go to bed one night, thinking happy thoughts, and wake up the next morning, terrified for your feet to touch the ground.

I've begun to notice that with my particular brand of anxiety and depression, it's like this perpetual teenage land that you just cannot escape. You've very obviously lost the ability to run and play as a child would, imagine the things a child could, and believe in things only a child can believe in. But you are not yet an adult. Everyday moments in adult life are a struggle. Keeping house, holding a job, paying bills and planning for a future.

Children are not supposed to feel anxiety.

Adults are supposed to know how to overcome it.

As a child your worries are most often very limited. Your food is provided for, your shelter, your plans. You know that every day you go to school. Everyday you will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it will magically appear in front of you. The house is always kept as though fairies come out while you're gone and pick up everything you've left behind. You have little worry about health, because you, in a natural state, rarely feel pain. And when you do, there is always someone who, with a kiss, can make it go away. There is always somewhere to go to hide from the nightmares, and when you are alone, you're never really alone because there are worlds upon worlds of creatures to play with and lands to explore, usually all within the confines of your backyard.

As an adult your worries are most often very limited. Your food is provided for, your shelter your plans. You provide it. You know that every day you go to work. Everyday you will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it will appear in front of you, as long as you're the one putting it there. The house is always kept as long as you pick up anything you leave behind. You have little worry about health, because you have insurance, despite the pain of aging. And when you are in pain, there is always someone who, with a pill, can make it go away. There is no need to hide from nightmares, you are too busy. And when you are alone, you're never really alone because you have too many creatures to take care of, and lands to clean up after, usually all within the confines of your living room.

But the perpetual teenager struggles. We're not often taught how to handle the transition from Neverland to the future. We fear the responsibility, and often, in attempting to cling to the happiness of childhood, we make mistakes that follow us as we grow. We're stuck in a world where magic no longer exists, and responsibility has yet to properly develop.

This is what depression feels like to me sometimes.

I long for the day when the struggle to grow up will not be so difficult . . .
But I miss the fairies.

 There's No Anxiety in Neverland

(June 2010 - Jessica "Untypically Jia" Woodruff)

Halfway up a hill I go

Middle ground is empty, low

Who was the child I used to be?

Where is the woman that I should see?

Sinking deep into the land

Between a future and Neverland

Looking back on happy smiles

And tears were shed overcoming trials

Who am I now to become?

Can I move or fall, succumb?

Growing up, I bear the brand

Between a future and Neverland

Long ago I was a child

Unkempt hair, running wild

Dirty bare feet, picking raspberries

When did I stop believing in fairies?

Wish I could find a place to stand

Between a future and Neverland

How I'd love to sit and pick flowers

Play with mermaids, fight pirates for hours

Half of my soul wants to jump, run and play

The other half just wants the bills to get paid

Expectations are hard to withstand

Between a future and Neverland