I'm Not Allowed to Touch Myself Anymore

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Due to laziness problems with insurance, it's been a few years since we've been to the doctors. It takes a lot to get us there, for varying reasons.

The reason I dislike going to the doctors is because I over did it when it came to Eastern medicine. I worked for three years as a Healthy Living Editor for a website and that included hours of research on the latest health trends, scares and politics. I can't stand the politics. The fact that there are so many doctors who prescribe pills before taking tests or trying healthier options. The fact that once it took a doctor less than four minutes to pull out his prescription pad when all we were needing was a doctors note for a work absence. The fact that doctors are often over booked with patients and only given a limited amount of time to work. And the fact that insurance just isn't good enough by my standards.

The reason Matt dislikes going to the doctors is because he hates needles.

But we got there last week. It was time. Like the changing of the tides and seasons, there are some things you just can't change. The fact that I have OCD and Matt is a bit of a hypochondriac will eventually get us to a doctors office.

Somehow, we found one that is the balance between the world of extremes. She did not prescribe medication within the first few minutes. She did not tell us that we had to become vegans. She informed us on healthy ways we can exercise without injuring ourselves, certain things we can cut out of our diet, and stuff that may not be good for us, but is not necessary to leave out all together.

I may have momentarily fallen in love with her.

But our specific brand of crazy did not escape her.
She's smart.
And has ears and eyes.

Me: My breasts ache all the time.
Dr: Well sometimes there are women who just have sore breasts. We'll look into some things when we do your lab work though.
Me: Okay, but I just worry, cause sore breasts shouldn't be a normal thing.
Dr: Well, are you doing self breast exams?
Me: Oh absolutely!
Dr: Okay, well have you found anything abnormal before?
Me: Well that depends. Yesterday this one hurt more than the other, so I dug around and tried to feel as deep as I could, and I thought I found something, but I think it was a bone.
Dr: You "dug" until you reached your bones?
Me: Yeah, but the day before it didn't hurt as bad. But then the day before that, this one . . .
Dr: Wait . . . how often do you do a self breast exam?
Me: Once . . . maybe twice a day.
Dr: . . . . . .
Me: Maybe I'm not doing it right?
Dr: Well, I think I know why they've been sore.
Me: Did I rupture something!?
Dr: No, I just gave you a breast exam, and everything is normal. But . . . this is very important. Do not touch your breasts for another month.
Me: Do not touch my breasts for another month.
Dr: Right. A whole month.
Me: . . . . Could you reiterate that to my husband?


PS: For those who don't yet know how, here are some tips on performing your own self breast exam. Just don't do it daily.