Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.
Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.
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Chapter Ten
Missing Pieces
Chapter Ten
Missing Pieces
When Matt told me that he was falling in love with me, he asked me not to answer him with anything.
"I just thought you needed to know." He had said. "I don't expect anything back from you."
And he meant it.
But there was a very real truth that was burning up inside of me, tearing at me, piece by piece. I knew how Matt felt. He needed to tell me. To get it out. Holding onto it was too painful. I knew because ... I was falling in love with him. Rapidly. Painfully. Desperately.
And I couldn't keep it inside anymore.
But before I could tell Matt . . . there was something else I needed to do first.
I had to tell Josh.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't about to run up and tell him all the horrible details about how I had fallen in love with his best friend. But I also wasn't going to keep him hanging around just because I was too much of a coward to break up with him. Josh deserved better than that. Better than me.
I had broken up with boyfriends before. Most were no problem. But this, this had to be different. I needed Josh to remain a part of my life - regardless of the fact that I wasn't sure why. But he had done nothing wrong. There was no external reason for a breakup. The only thing that truly changed was me.
At night, I went over the details. I recounted every time a boy broke up with me, and of course the times I broke up with them.
The most recent of my breakups was ugly. The relationship wasn't much prettier. It ended with a mutual exchange between the two of us and less than a week later he showed up with a new girl at his side. Hell hath no fury like a redhead too quickly replaced. I cornered him and his new girlfriend in the hallway, a circle of other students gathering to witness as I not only publicly washed my hands of him, but began spreading rumors that he was incapable of pleasing a woman.
I made mental notes now, learning from past mistakes.
Do not do it in public.
The boy before had ended our brief relationship, saying that he didn't need a girlfriend, that he didn't want responsibility, and that he hated life. He threatened to kill himself.
Do not be over dramatic.
Another boy didn't even tell me that we had broken up. He passed the words along through mutual friends, moments before I found out that he had gone back to his ex-girlfriend.
Do not be a coward.
The cheater that came before him had created a rage inside of me that I didn't even know was possible. Not only did he go behind my back while we were dating, but after we broke up, he went after my younger sister. The rest of his high school years were spent being pumeled after school by friends of mine who remembered.
Do not let your emotions get the best of you.
Then there was my first high school boyfriend. He had been one of the first friends I ever had at the school, Megaera being the only other exception of course. He lived a few blocks away and we spent hours together watching movies, hanging out, and talking. How we ended up dating, I don't even recall. But I was so excited to have a boyfriend. I momentarily felt special. That was until he broke up with me because he supposedly didn't want to ruin our friendship. I found out later he was in love with Megaera. My best friend. How could he have done that to me?
I hung my head, letting out a self deprecating scream, throwing my fist into a pillow as I slumped onto my bed with a defeated thud.
"What's wrong with you?" Kristine said as she walked into the room, mid howl.
"I'm a hypocrite." I cried face first into my mattress.
"Care to elaborate?"
"I'm breaking up with Josh for a chance to date his best friend. I'm evil." I sobbed. "I'm doing exactly what Aaron did to me last year."
"I forgot about that," she cringed and sat down beside me. "So what're you going to do?"
"Probably go to hell." I moaned.
"Before that." She rolled her eyes.
"I'm going to break up with Josh." I sighed. There was no way around it.
"And why's that?" She asked, trying to get a point across.
I sighed, closing my eyes, trying to remember every detail.
"Because I'm in love with Matt." It was the first time the words left my mouth. I had been holding them inside all day, perhaps even longer, trying to deny it, trying to understand it instead of just accepting it. I looked up at my sister, who seemed caught off guard. She knew about my desire for Matt that had been going on for over six months, but the seriousness of my words resonated in my voice.
"It hurts." I sighed and she leaned in, wrapping her arms around me. I remembered how it felt, being rejected for my best friend. I felt less of a person. Megaera was my exact opposite. Where I was short, she was tall. Where I was curvy, she was slender. It made me feel worthless.
I couldn't do that to Josh.
Do not let him find out from someone else.
I didn't eat the next morning. My stomach was already in knots. I had swallowed my guilt earlier and my body was still feeding heavily on that. I needed it over with. I couldn't handle waiting any longer. Josh and I didn't have any classes together, but I couldn't wait until lunch. Matt would be there. It would be too much to handle then.
I snuck out of Science early, rushing down the hallway as fast as I could before the bell rang and waited outside Josh's second period class. He was one of the last to exit and I smiled halfheartedly up at him.
I looked around as the crowd dispersed to their individual classes.
Do not do it in public.
"Hey, can you hang out for a second?" I asked. "I need to talk to you." My voice echoed the guilt swirling around in my stomach.
"Sure."
Nerves were getting the best of me. My eyes almost began watering.
Do not be over dramatic.
I took in a deep breath, getting a hold of myself.
"Everything okay?" He asked, sensing that something was wrong.
"I . . ." I began, but the words wouldn't form.
Do not be a coward.
"I'm not happy." I said quickly, then taking a step back to review what I had said. Where had the words come from? I needed to clarify. "I mean . . . I feel like we're drifting. Like everything was okay before, but lately . . ." I was making excuses now, but what else was I supposed to say? Frustration was building up inside me.
Do not let your emotions get the best of you.
"I don't think we should be together anymore." I said with a loud, mournful sigh. "But . . . I still want to be friends. I know how cliche that sounds, but you're one of my best friends . . . I can't lose that."
He remained silent for a few moments, taking it all in. I could never read his emotions. Was he going to be angry? Sad? Would he care at all? After a minute of nodding his head, presumably understanding everything I had spoken, he looked up at me.
"Are you going to date Matt?"
My eyes widened a bit and I breathed in deep, ready to argue.
Do not let him find out from someone else.
I paused. "Yes."
"Will he make you happy?"
I gave myself permission to allow one tear. One tear was all I needed. I had to let one tear fall. I couldn't hold back anymore. If I didn't let one escape, I would lose control of them all, and I couldn't turn myself into a victim.
I was the bad guy here.
"I don't know." My voice cracked. "But I feel like I have to try."
Josh leaned in, wrapping his arms around me. I closed my eyes, hesitant to hold him back, but eventually I did. I didn't know what was happening. He was supposed to be angry. He was supposed to hate me. Call me a whore, and tell me that he'd never speak to me again.
"I want you to be happy." He said, letting me go, smiling sadly before turning and walking up the stairs to his next class.
I stood there, not able to feel my hands or feet let alone move them.
"Wait!" I yelled, blood rushing back into my limbs long enough for me to chase after him. I turned the corner in the stairwell and looked up at my now ex-boyfriend. "Are we still friends?" I called up desperately.
"Yeah." He said, his eyes not meeting mine. "Of course." And then he was gone.
I felt like I should have sighed with relief, but I couldn't. My knees felt weak and I leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down until I was sitting in the corner, looking up at the empty stairs above me, and I knew it:
Josh's last words to me, were lies.
At night, I went over the details. I recounted every time a boy broke up with me, and of course the times I broke up with them.
The most recent of my breakups was ugly. The relationship wasn't much prettier. It ended with a mutual exchange between the two of us and less than a week later he showed up with a new girl at his side. Hell hath no fury like a redhead too quickly replaced. I cornered him and his new girlfriend in the hallway, a circle of other students gathering to witness as I not only publicly washed my hands of him, but began spreading rumors that he was incapable of pleasing a woman.
I made mental notes now, learning from past mistakes.
Do not do it in public.
The boy before had ended our brief relationship, saying that he didn't need a girlfriend, that he didn't want responsibility, and that he hated life. He threatened to kill himself.
Do not be over dramatic.
Another boy didn't even tell me that we had broken up. He passed the words along through mutual friends, moments before I found out that he had gone back to his ex-girlfriend.
Do not be a coward.
The cheater that came before him had created a rage inside of me that I didn't even know was possible. Not only did he go behind my back while we were dating, but after we broke up, he went after my younger sister. The rest of his high school years were spent being pumeled after school by friends of mine who remembered.
Do not let your emotions get the best of you.
Then there was my first high school boyfriend. He had been one of the first friends I ever had at the school, Megaera being the only other exception of course. He lived a few blocks away and we spent hours together watching movies, hanging out, and talking. How we ended up dating, I don't even recall. But I was so excited to have a boyfriend. I momentarily felt special. That was until he broke up with me because he supposedly didn't want to ruin our friendship. I found out later he was in love with Megaera. My best friend. How could he have done that to me?
I hung my head, letting out a self deprecating scream, throwing my fist into a pillow as I slumped onto my bed with a defeated thud.
"What's wrong with you?" Kristine said as she walked into the room, mid howl.
"I'm a hypocrite." I cried face first into my mattress.
"Care to elaborate?"
"I'm breaking up with Josh for a chance to date his best friend. I'm evil." I sobbed. "I'm doing exactly what Aaron did to me last year."
"I forgot about that," she cringed and sat down beside me. "So what're you going to do?"
"Probably go to hell." I moaned.
"Before that." She rolled her eyes.
"I'm going to break up with Josh." I sighed. There was no way around it.
"And why's that?" She asked, trying to get a point across.
I sighed, closing my eyes, trying to remember every detail.
'I'm falling in love with you.'
"Because I'm in love with Matt." It was the first time the words left my mouth. I had been holding them inside all day, perhaps even longer, trying to deny it, trying to understand it instead of just accepting it. I looked up at my sister, who seemed caught off guard. She knew about my desire for Matt that had been going on for over six months, but the seriousness of my words resonated in my voice.
"It hurts." I sighed and she leaned in, wrapping her arms around me. I remembered how it felt, being rejected for my best friend. I felt less of a person. Megaera was my exact opposite. Where I was short, she was tall. Where I was curvy, she was slender. It made me feel worthless.
I couldn't do that to Josh.
Do not let him find out from someone else.
I didn't eat the next morning. My stomach was already in knots. I had swallowed my guilt earlier and my body was still feeding heavily on that. I needed it over with. I couldn't handle waiting any longer. Josh and I didn't have any classes together, but I couldn't wait until lunch. Matt would be there. It would be too much to handle then.
I snuck out of Science early, rushing down the hallway as fast as I could before the bell rang and waited outside Josh's second period class. He was one of the last to exit and I smiled halfheartedly up at him.
I looked around as the crowd dispersed to their individual classes.
Do not do it in public.
"Hey, can you hang out for a second?" I asked. "I need to talk to you." My voice echoed the guilt swirling around in my stomach.
"Sure."
Nerves were getting the best of me. My eyes almost began watering.
Do not be over dramatic.
I took in a deep breath, getting a hold of myself.
"Everything okay?" He asked, sensing that something was wrong.
"I . . ." I began, but the words wouldn't form.
Do not be a coward.
"I'm not happy." I said quickly, then taking a step back to review what I had said. Where had the words come from? I needed to clarify. "I mean . . . I feel like we're drifting. Like everything was okay before, but lately . . ." I was making excuses now, but what else was I supposed to say? Frustration was building up inside me.
Do not let your emotions get the best of you.
"I don't think we should be together anymore." I said with a loud, mournful sigh. "But . . . I still want to be friends. I know how cliche that sounds, but you're one of my best friends . . . I can't lose that."
He remained silent for a few moments, taking it all in. I could never read his emotions. Was he going to be angry? Sad? Would he care at all? After a minute of nodding his head, presumably understanding everything I had spoken, he looked up at me.
"Are you going to date Matt?"
My eyes widened a bit and I breathed in deep, ready to argue.
Do not let him find out from someone else.
I paused. "Yes."
"Will he make you happy?"
I gave myself permission to allow one tear. One tear was all I needed. I had to let one tear fall. I couldn't hold back anymore. If I didn't let one escape, I would lose control of them all, and I couldn't turn myself into a victim.
I was the bad guy here.
"I don't know." My voice cracked. "But I feel like I have to try."
Josh leaned in, wrapping his arms around me. I closed my eyes, hesitant to hold him back, but eventually I did. I didn't know what was happening. He was supposed to be angry. He was supposed to hate me. Call me a whore, and tell me that he'd never speak to me again.
"I want you to be happy." He said, letting me go, smiling sadly before turning and walking up the stairs to his next class.
I stood there, not able to feel my hands or feet let alone move them.
"Wait!" I yelled, blood rushing back into my limbs long enough for me to chase after him. I turned the corner in the stairwell and looked up at my now ex-boyfriend. "Are we still friends?" I called up desperately.
"Yeah." He said, his eyes not meeting mine. "Of course." And then he was gone.
I felt like I should have sighed with relief, but I couldn't. My knees felt weak and I leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down until I was sitting in the corner, looking up at the empty stairs above me, and I knew it:
Josh's last words to me, were lies.
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