Untypically in Love: Decisions

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Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

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Chapter Nine
Decisions

Hours.

We talked for hours.

Hours about everything and nothing. 

I told him how I got the scar on corner of my nose. He told me how he got the one between his eyebrows. I told him about my older sister in Utah, and how much I missed her. He told me about his older brother, who was on a mission. I told him about my ex-boyfriend who hit me. He told me about his ex-girlfriend that cheated on him. 

We shared deepest secrets and the most superficial jokes. We talked about school, family, and friends. We shared the fact that neither of us really felt like we fit in anywhere. 

We talked so much that he got in trouble for staying up too late.

We talked so much that I got in trouble for neglecting a light fixture I had set on the ground while cleaning the fish tank, and burned a hole in the carpet.

And into the night, we talked until we fell asleep, phone still clutched against our ears.

Monday morning rolled around and I felt myself more excited to go to school than ever before. Despite the fact that I knew I would eventually have to choose between Matt and Josh, I felt good right then. I felt happier than I had in a long time. And it wasn't because Matt was gorgeous and somehow he had some apparent seizure that made him think I was worth his time ... but because I actually was worth his time. Because he wasn't anything that Megaera made him out to be. He was real. He was human. He was flawed. He was so beautifully flawed.

During school, I could feel the distance between Josh and I. But I couldn't tell where it had come from. Did he suspect something? Was I acting different with him? Was this void always here before and I never knew it? I tried to close the gap. I tried to hold to Josh closer, but it was difficult. Opening up was easier before, but not like it was talking to Matt. When I was with Josh I felt blocked. Like there was a wall there, and hidden somewhere beneath was his soul, something I'd never before seen.

I didn't feel that way with Matt.

Small moments began adding up into bigger ones. I didn't want to lose Josh. He had been my closest friend for so long. I've never been a patient person. I don't wait for things to happen. I don't observe the bear sleeping, wondering when it'll come out of hibernation. I poke the bear until it wakes.

"I have to tell you something," I admitted, sitting beside Josh on the bus ride home that day.

"Hmm?" He muttered looking up at me from his sketch pad.

"Matt and I have been talking a lot." I admitted. Guilt burned my throat. "Cause you know, the whole Megaera thing." I tried to make excuses. "I don't want to mess with your friendship," I said. "But I thought I should tell you. I think Matt likes me."

I gulped down hard, waiting for the jealous anger to rise in him. I had never before seen Josh very emotional. He was always cool, calm and collected. But this - surely this - would bring out some cave man like tendencies. I was his woman, and no other man should have the right to stake a claim on me.

I prayed they wouldn't fight.

Josh thought about what I said for a minute and then went back to sketching. "He's probably just depressed cause Megaera broke up with him."

"I just . . ." I stopped mid sentence. "Wait, what?" I was confused. Where was the fire that I was already prepared to douse?

I thought about his response for a minute. Matt never seemed depressed to me. Not after the first day, and even then 'depressed' was an exaggeration. And why would Matt being depressed have anything to do with liking me? Did someone have to be clinically diagnosed to have feelings for me?

"Technically you're the closest thing to Megaera he's got. He's trying to fill the void." He added.

Void? I was something to fill a void now?

Part of me was enraged at the thought. Was that what I was? A generic version of my best friend? As I sat there comparing the similarities of Megaera and myself, I couldn't help but also notice the similarities between Matt and Josh, and I wondered: was I doing the same thing?

I didn't call Matt that night. I needed time to think. To be by myself.

The following day, we all sat at lunch together. Megaera sat with another group of our friends. It was just the three of us now. I should have felt uncomfortable sitting at a table with Matt and Josh, but the truth was, I felt at ease. I felt at ease even though they were joking around, playing tricks on me all throughout the hour.

"Have you told her yet?" Matt asked, a loud enough whisper for me to hear.

"Tell me what?" I hated secrets.

"Nope." Josh admitted.

"Are you serious? Do you think I should tell her?" Matt continued.

"Do you think that's the best idea? I wouldn't." Josh looked away.

"Tell me what!?" My hairs stood on end.

The bell rang.

"Looks like she'll never find out." Matt shrugged.

Josh laughed. "Looks that way."

"No!" I screamed. "Tell me!" My body was pumping pure adrenaline. I couldn't stand not knowing something. Especially when it apparently involved me.

"Alright, I'll think about telling her for you." Matt chuckled. Both of them were laughing now.

Was this some sort of game? What was going on? They both looked so amused by my pure panic. Josh laughed and got up from the table, not even kissing me goodbye as he walked away.

"What the hell!?" I screamed at Matt.

He laughed. "Nothing."

"No, tell me!"

"Seriously. We were just messing with you. There's nothing to tell. You're cute when you get angry." He grinned at me.

I believed about half of what he was saying.

"You suck." I exhaled roughly.

"There is something actually.." He said, softer now.

We both stood up, gathering our backpacks and heading toward the exit. "What?" I turned and looked at him. So there WAS a secret! I moved to continue through the doorway, but Matt reached out and took my hand, pulling me back inside. Nearly pinning me against the wall.

I gasped for breath, wondering why the air was so thick and heavy. My lungs couldn't get a full breath in. Was it this hot in here two seconds ago? Others crowded around us, not caring one way or another who we were or why we were blocking most of the pathway. I looked up at his face and felt warmth all over. A single lock of his dark brown hair met the corner of his eye. I wanted the courage to reach up and lovingly push it back.

He leaned in close to me, like he had at my birthday party. Before his rehearsed one liner that changed everything. But this time, he looked less rehearsed. He looked on edge, worried even.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he laughed softly, as though my concern caught him off guard. As though his answer was a humorous revelation. "Nothing's been this right in a long time." He looked at me with a smile.

I knew what he meant. Everything else in my life up until that moment was so hard. Like trudging through mud on a daily basis. Always thinking ahead of time. What to do, what to say, how to look, what to think. High school was a constant reminder that you cannot be yourself. You have to fit in. Even when you're a part of the group that stands out, you still blend with your present surroundings.

It was exhausting.

But the small moments of my day when Matt was in my life, everything came easy. The days were fluid, moments running with one another instead of crashing against some harsh reality. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could say whatever was on my mind without being judged.

Matt apparently felt the same way.

"I'm.." He began, looking away from my eyes as he reconsidered speaking.

"Go ahead." I encouraged him.

My voice was the push he needed.

"Jia," he reached up, touching a single lock of my red hair, tucking it behind my ear tenderly as I lost all feeling in my legs. He smiled slowly, etching the moment into history before turning his gaze back to my nervous eyes.

"I'm falling in love with you."

Chapter Ten>>>