Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.
Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.
---------------------
Chapter Eight
Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too
Chapter Eight
Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too
"If Josh wasn't in the picture, I'd move on you so quick."
The words replayed over and over in my mind and I still didn't fully understand them. Once my heart beat fell back down to a normalized level, my self esteem issues kicked in and new thoughts, worries, and concerns flooded me like a broken dam of crazy.
What if Matt had been joking? What if Megaera changed her mind about breaking up with him? What if he changed his mind all together? And the worst case scenario . . . what if this was some sort of trick? What if Matt had done this just to prove to Josh that I wasn't worth his time? I would lose everything I loved. I would not only lose the friendship of the boy I had been admiring from afar for so very long, but I would lose the respect and friendship of my current boyfriend, who in fact had nothing wrong with him to begin with.
"Are you going to break up with Josh?" Was Kristine's first reply when I told her detail for detail what happened.
"What? Of course not!" I snapped. "How could I?"
"Don't get all pissy with me, I just figured you'd want to be with Matt. You've been in love with him since before Christmas."
Had I been that obvious?
"Plus you're always complaining about how Josh isn't even allowed to date. Aren't you tired of sneaking around?" She added.
She was right about that. Josh wasn't allowed to date. It was "a Church thing," he had told me. Despite not seeming to care too much about breaking said rule, the fact that the only time we could ever be seen together was at school was going to soon become a problem: school was going to be out for the summer. Would I never see my own boyfriend then? Were his parents going to be lurking around the corner anytime he left the house? Even if they weren't, Josh had a younger brother that followed him everywhere, always saying how he was going to tattle on us just for sitting beside one another on the curb between our houses. Shortly after Easter we had been able to get a break when I bought Josh's brothers silence for the cheap price of a giant chocolate bunny. But that arrangement was only good for a week.
"Who says that Matt will be any better?" I asked her. "He's apparently Mormon too."
"Well maybe his parents aren't so strict," she naively suggested. "He was allowed to go places with Megaera after all."
My sister had a point. Mentally I began weighing the pros and cons between the boys as though they were a new car I was interested in buying. This one has many more reliability features, but the paint job on the other was flashy. This one is brand new, while the other one is previously owned. This one is a safe model, while the other one goes much faster.
I was torn between security and my desire for speed. Adrenaline. Butterflies and the flushing of my skin when he touched me. I wanted the danger. I wanted the passion. I wanted the speed.
The guilt overwhelmed me. I was thinking about people like they were objects, things I could own and play with.
"I'm going to stay with Josh." I concluded immediately. "Besides, I'm starting to really think that maybe Matt was just playing some sort of cruel joke on me."
I would have to figure it all out by Monday, that much was certain. I wouldn't see Josh again until then since he had Church on the weekend and I wasn't allowed to call his house. Matt on the other hand was different. I could call him. I had before when I begged him to come to the party.
By Saturday night I had nearly rubbed the piece of paper with Matt's phone number on it raw in anticipation. My nerves were getting the best of me. I had always been able to talk to boys with no problem. I was always in control of my emotions. I never let them get to me, not like this. So how was one boy causing my heart so much questionable excitement and pain at the same time?
Saturday night left me laying on the bunk bed I shared with my sister, miserably listening to the Backstreet Boys on my CD player. Drowning my sorrows in music was something I did ever since I was a little girl, and it was not a habit I would ever give up. By the time the CD reached "All I Have to Give" I was banging my head against the metal bed frame.
"Why does my life suck so much?" I moaned aloud.
"You have two guys in love with you," Kristine glared at me. "I would love to have your personal problems."
"You have no idea what kind of torment this is. Everything is going to change no matter what I do. If Matt's serious about this, he's practically thrown down the gauntlet. I have to make a decision. No matter what I do I'm screwed. If I choose Josh, and it doesn't work out, I'll forever wonder if Matt was my soul mate." I wallowed. "I'll have ruined my entire life. And if I choose Matt, it means that I'll have broken up with a really great guy for no actual reason."
"Are you happy?"
"What?"
"Are you happy with Josh?" She asked me.
The question caught me off guard. I had been happy since dating Josh, certainly. Of all the boys I had dated thus far, Josh was the only one to not cheat on me, hit me, or break my heart. "I love Josh," I said. "I want him in my life."
"As what?"
"Doesn't matter," I answered after a full minute of silence. "If he's not my boyfriend, I don't think he'll want to be anything to me."
Anxiety was building as the night went on. I was not going to make it one more day in this miserable state.
I didn't even hear the phone ring.
"Phone for you," My aunt said, walking into our room, tossing the cordless phone toward me.
"Hello?" I answered, assuming it was Megaera.
"Hi." A male voice replied.
My breath caught, guilt, like acid burned my throat as I spoke. "Josh?"
There was a long moment of silence.
"I needed to hear your voice."
I suddenly felt myself exhaling in relief, an immediate sense of calm coming over me.
0 comments:
Post a Comment