Untypically in Love: Anticipation

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Read the full story, chapter by chapter here.

Some names and events have been changed to protect the identity of certain individuals.

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Chapter Eleven
Anticipation

I missed my next class. Just sat there in the stairwell staring up at the empty space where Josh had stood. I knew I made the right decision. I couldn't date someone and be in love with someone else. It wasn't fair to anyone. But a part of me, and a big part, realised how unbelievably selfish I was being.
And how premature my choices were.

Self doubt settled into my soul and I began to panic. Did Matt really love me? Was my mind playing tricks? Did I even hear him right before? What if he had asked me not to answer him back, because regardless of how he felt, he knew we couldn't be together?

My breathing became shallow and my face flushed with panic.

A quick run to the bathroom where I soaked my face in cold water was just the trick I needed to calm down. Water dripping down my chin I rose my head to face myself in the mirror.

"I hope you know what you're doing."

The bell rang and within seconds the bathroom and hallway flooded with students headed for lunch. I cringed at the thought of food as I moved with the herd into the cafeteria, eagerly looking for a safe place. Our usual table was already occupied. Megaera sat at one end with several of our closest friends and a few I'd not even met. At the other end was Matt, and the empty seat where Josh usually sat.

I moved over, pulling out the chair directly in front of Matt. My nerves standing on edge.

"You feeling okay?" He asked me.

"Not hungry." I said, not really hearing the question.

Everyone was going on with their own conversations. Megaera was exchanging CDs with another girl who was leaning over the rail nearby the table. Another two of my friends were comparing notes for a test they had after lunch. Everyone else was face deep in taco salad, chicken nuggets and watered down ranch dressing.

Everything was buzzing in my head.

"Hey, where's your better half?" Megaera laughed as she turned to face me.

I looked up at my friend and cleared my throat. "We broke up." I said quietly.

"What?" Megaera said, not having heard me.

"I broke up with Josh." I said louder.

The table fell silent.

My friends knew me too well. My previous relationships were pushed to the edge before anything happened. If I ever broke up with someone, I had a damn good reason for it. Reasons that usually involved my friends teaming up with me in acts of embarrassing revenge.

They were all paying attention now.

"What?" Megaera laughed. "No you didn't."

"Actually I did. About an hour ago." I could feel my face turning red.

"I don't get it." Another friend turned, looking to Megaera for an explanation. She shrugged, looking equally perplexed as everyone else.

"Did you seriously break up with Josh?" She leaned over the table, making sure I was okay, checking to see if I was hiding some sort of secret. Did Josh cheat? Did he hurt me? No. None of those. He did nothing wrong. "Why?"

I didn't answer. What was I supposed to say? The truth? Right there in front of everyone?

It took only thirty seconds or so before everyone had returned to their own conversations and concerns. With the exception of one person.

My eyes finally rose up to look at Matt, sitting there across the table from me. His eyes remained wide, almost confused. His mouth gaped open in shock.

"You broke up with Josh?"

"Yeah." I bit my lip, nervously.

"Really?" He asked.

"Yeah." I echoed myself.

"I didn't think you would." He muttered softly.

The air immediately emptied from my lungs. My safe place had been compromised. "I . . ."

"Are you okay?" He asked, shock and confusion leaving his face, replaced by concern.

I didn't have time to answer. Megaera came up and wrapped her arms around me from behind. "Well whatever he did, I'm sure he deserved it."

I cringed.

"Besides. You deserve better," She was practically reciting the friendship code, word for word. "I hope it was worth it." 

I looked across the table into Matt's eyes. "Me too." I whispered.

I didn't see Matt the rest of the day. Lack of food, overload of emotions and being drained of all my tears was making me feel faint. The day was beginning to blur. I don't even remember that night. I didn't take the bus home. I walked. I couldn't face Josh. I couldn't sit on the same bus, get off on the same stop and walk home down the same street like nothing had changed.

Everyone had forgotten about our breakup the next morning. My friends were already talking about plans for summer vacation, trips that would be made, concerts to see, events to attend. I was headed up to Utah with my Grandmother, where we went every summer to stay with my aunt Debbie. I hadn't been too excited about visiting before. But now, as I waited nervously in the courtyard, trying to spot Matt from afar, Utah seemed like a perfect escape.

"I bet he'll ask you out today," my friend Melody said as we counted down the seconds of our first period class together. "Remember when he asked out Megaera after she dumped Eric?" She reminded me. "He said he usually waited a day."

Hope was finally being restored. Melody also convinced me that even if it didn't happen, it wasn't the end of the world - despite it feeling like it. Summer was coming and after three months away there was a strong chance I'd have forgotten all about Matt. Next year we were going to be sophomores, and everything would certainly change then.

I smiled, though I didn't fully believe her.

I walked alone to lunch, glancing at our table. I contemplated eating today, but reconsidered after seeing what was on the menu. Most of my friends hadn't arrived yet. I glanced at the clock. I was early. Soon they'd all flock together like usual.

Matt was there though.

"Hey," I said in greeting.

His forehead was pressed into the table, his arms hanging down at his side. He mumbled something, I couldn't hear.

"Are you okay?" I asked, taking a seat beside him on the long stretch of bench that ran along the entire wall.

He lifted his head up. "Headache." He muttered before slamming it back down into the table.

Whatever maternal, soothing instincts I had kicked in. "Poor thing," I frowned and reached up without thinking, running my fingers through the back of his hair. "Anything I can do?" I asked.

"Keep doing that," He sighed. "I just need to lay down."

I immediately scooted over, assuming he would lay down on the bench. I was wrong.

Breaking through my personal bubble, Matt turned, bringing his legs up onto the bench, and throwing his head in my lap, face looking up at mine. I gulped down hard, hoping my stomach didn't make any rumbling sounds. While one of my hands continued to run through his hair, I held the other up against my ribcage awkwardly, having no where else to put it.

"That's better." He said with a happy sigh, reaching up and taking the awkward lonely hand into his own, holding it against his chest.

My body immediately reacted to his touch. My spine curved in a small jolt, and a soft whimper escaped my lips. "Yeah," I exhaled. "Headaches are b..bad." I stuttered, suddenly finding myself unable to look down at him.

My hand continued to move through his hair. I imagined what it would be like for him to run his hands through mine. My eyes grew heavy and my face flushed as my imagination got ahead of me.

"What was that?" I asked, finally looking down at him.

"I said that you're good at this," He smiled up at me.

I grinned.

"You know what you should do?" He asked, eyes closed as he relaxed into my lap like it was a pillow. I silently squealed, my stomach turning stiff while my legs went numb.

"What's that?" I asked, assuming he wanted me to go fetch him some pain killers.

His eyes opened and I looked down into them. They were a light shade of brown, with flicks on the inside. So many shades. I would spend hours looking into them if he'd only ask me.

"You should go out with me." He said, a grin crossing his jaw.

I exhaled. Was this real? The immediate smile forming on my face said that it was.

"Oh is that so?" I smirked.

"Yeah, that's definitely what you should do." He nodded, not even caring what my answer was. He had made the decision for us both apparently.

"Are you asking?" I smiled.

"Do I need to?" He opened one eye to look up at me.

"No." I chuckled softly.

No one ever joined our table. It was just us. The whole hour, sitting there, very nearly in silence as I ran my hands through his hair, and he traced the lines in my palm with his fingers. Time passed and we didn't even care. Time didn't matter anymore.

I looked down at him, a content smile on my face. It had been worth it.

"You don't really have a headache, do you?" I asked, raising a brow.

"Nope."

Chapter Twelve>>>