Dear Gordon Ramsay

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Over at MamaKat's Writers Workshop, we were prompted to write a letter to a reality tv star.

My first idea was to write a letter to Kate Gosselin, but I think breaking all ties with Kate immediately will help in the future should I ever get super powers.

I asked my husband who promptly said, "Adam Lambert!" And then began orating his own letter to the American Idol star, which would no doubt gain me some very angry fabulously dressed haters with great skin and decorating style.

His next suggestion was the one I took.

Matt: Gordon Ramsay.

Me: That would be a dirty letter.

Matt: So?

I take that as his permission to get dirty with Gordon Ramsay.

Note to self: Find a way to get Matt's permission to rub baby oil on WWE Wrestlers and gold paint on a naked Nathan Fillion.

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Dear Gordon Ramsay,

You had me at, "!@#$ off!"

After working in and around kitchens for ten years before becoming a housewife, I was glad to see that at least someone in the world was expressing the things we all wanted to say. I've on more than on occasion called a member of a kitchen crew a "donkey". Of course it was at a McDonalds in New Mexico, so I probably said, "burro."

I know you get a lot of people on your case about your language, but to be completely honest, my television programs would not be the same without a giant blur over your mouth and loud bleeps coming out of the speakers.

Thank you also for yelling at the idiot chefs on Hell's Kitchen. I don't care how mean you are to them. Once I see someone sweat into food, I give you my personal permission to stuff them into a tiny cage, bread them, serve them with marinara sauce and feed them to vegans!

Speaking of vegans. I've read that you have a distaste for the bacon-less species, almost as much as I do. Despite the fact that apparently Paul McCartney has attacked you (as well as most of the internet), I applaud your efforts to keep the old tradition of killing things and eating them alive. Not the animals alive. The traditions. Keeping the traditions alive and eating the dead animals. I like my steak rare, but not THAT rare.

Unless it's offered?

And lastly, I know that you're married, (which frankly makes fantasizing about you a little depressing) but I'd like to also thank you for taking your shirt off every now and then on Kitchen Nightmares. Really, it makes me happy. Did you know though that when you Google things like "shirtless Gordon Ramsay" the pictures aren't very flattering. Some aren't even of you.

So I had to come up with something for myself.

Yes it's John Cena's body.

Forgive me.

Sincerely,

Untypically Jia

PS: I'm forwarding an edited copy of this letter to Curtis Stone. I hope you don't mind, but he's not married. Which makes me feel a little better about including a bit more racy material and a possible request for any recipe in his repertoire that he's cooked naked.