This week I submitted a writing prompt to MamaKat's weekly writers workshop. I honestly don't know what prompted it:Write a letter to yourself from someone who has passed on. (ie: parent, grandparent, famous person, friend, pet, etc)
Maybe it's the darker side of me coming through. Or maybe I just need to feel connected in some way. Who knows. Either way I'll end up crying through this whole stupid thing.
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Dear Jessi,
When you were a little girl I was your guardian angel. I protected you as best I could, despite the scars on your knees from falling down so much. But you had to learn. Even when you grew up I was there. Talking to you in your dreams, telling you what you knew needed to be done, what was right, and even scolding you when you'd done wrong. As a grown woman I've been at your side in the temple, when you've knelt to pray, and in the darkness when you think that you're alone. I've been there.
So I'll skip some of the motherly doting and get to the hard stuff.
You're not alone sweetie. Even when everything around you is closing in, I'm there. It's okay to be scared. I know why you're scared so often. I know why you're so afraid of death. You cheated it once. Somehow, almost twenty-four years ago you survived. You made it. And you ran through life like nothing could touch you. You flew. You embraced every emotion the world threw at you and sometimes you spat right back in the worlds face without a hint of fear. Because you had escaped death, and it was okay that I didn't . . . because I lived through you.
And then you turned twenty-two. And you had a really bad breakdown. Little fears and compulsions you had been hiding from the world starting seeping through. Growing up got real. And reality brought a cold hard fact to the surface: I never made it to 22.
You lived through stories of my life, trying to connect to me somehow. Stories of my childhood helped you adjust to moving across the country. Because you knew I had moved a bit too. Stories of my wild adolescence gave you courage to be different and find your own voice. Stories about the sadness that came with my marriage helped you see the blessings you had in your own. But then I died. And you suddenly became older than I ever was.
And you lost yourself. And suddenly life was precious and scary and you realised how I didn't get to live much of mine in the long run. I'd always just been "Mom" to you, but now I was a woman, a girl even, who didn't get to experience enough. And that scared the hell out of you because you realised that you hadn't cheated death at all. That death would come eventually. And so you grew cautious, and scared of the world. Piece by piece I've watched as you've broken down what used to be your beautiful courage. And only recently have I seen that spark again.
Good for you for being yourself again. I never hid who I really was from anyone. I wore my heart on my sleeve, even when I picked fights with grown men - fights that I won, by the way. So keep doing what you're doing and screw anyone else that doesn't understand. Keep your head up and your spirit strong. You know that what happens makes us stronger.
No one knows you like I do. I'm your mother. I know what's best for you. And right now . . . you're it.
Love always,
Mom.
23 comments:
Beautiful writing, thankyou for sharing.xx Visiting from mama kats..
beautifully written.
dropping in from mama kat's.
Great post thanks for visiting my blog i hope you come again. would love to have you as a follower
Oh that was so sweet!
I wanted to do this prompt, but was not only afraid to pick some of the people to write "from" but also the things that I would struggle with in doing it. I think you handled it wonderfully. I get the sense that you have the self-confidence to walk anywhere you wish to these days, barefett and all; and that is a good thing. Cheeering from the sidelines for you!
Fantastic. I didn't have the heart to write a letter. It may be one of my "write and never post" writings sometime in the future.
Jia, your amazing. Your ability to communicate through the written word is a gift, a gift from your mother I'm assuming. She's your angel sitting on your shoulder helping you to write all that is inside. I've watched you over the last 3 years have your ups and down and I know your mama is there watching over you, proud!
Wow, that was so touching. I didn't realize your mom had died so young. What a tragedy.
I took your challenge, twisted it a bit, and cried through the whole thing too. I cried when I read yours. People at work are going to start worrying because I'm crying so much...sending you a virtual hug.
that was so sweet. would've love to meet your mom. you portrayed her beautifully. she sounded like a really cool mom :)
This was beautiful and is what prompted me to write on the same prompt (so to speak). I am now a follower. Thanks for stopping by. :)
Thank you for stopping by and reading about my daughter Hannah.
I loved you letter from your Mom. There is no doubt that she took you hand and help you write it. You write with words that reach out and make you feel. Thank you for sharing this.
And please stop by again soon ;)
I am incredibly moved by your story, and so thankful MamaKat's prompt led me to your blog!
Thank you for sharing with us!
That was very touching and beautifully written.
Thank you for sharing
such a beautiful letter! Thank you for sharing!
Perfect! I'd write more but it's hard to see through all the tears!
Wipe, wipe, sniff...Ok that's a little better!
So I have to know what it was like surpassing your mother in age? Mine was 32 when she died and unfortuately that is fastly approaching.
You letter from your mom was so much more deep than mine. I think I hid a little. Maybe I'll try this prompt again. Your's was so beautifully written!
Thank you all for your kind words!
Christie - Passing my Mom in age was scary. When I reached 21 (the age she died) I immediately thought that something bad would happen. But it wasn't nearly as bad as turning 22. Because from that point forward I could never ask anyone in my family what my mom was like at that age. It made death a much bigger reality than I ever thought, and I had a pretty big breakdown. Once a year (on the anniversary of her death) I allow myself to have a sad day. My husband is aware of this and every year he knows that I might just need time to myself. Most years I go through it just fine, but that year I just didn't know anything about anything regarding the future.
I'm 25, going on 26 now and while it's still a little freaky, it's gotten much better. But I won't lie. That first year was scary.
What a touching letter! So beautifully written!
Oh my goodness! This really resonated with me, especially the part about passing your mom in age. When I turned 24 (the age my dad was when he died) it was surreal. And that was the same year that I found my first skin cancer (what killed him). Scary stuff.
That was a great letter. I can't imagine passing my Mom in age. That must be so hard and yet you have a great understanding of her love for you through the veil. It's true, you will always have that.
Oh, Jia. What a beautiful letter. It really sounds like it could be from your mom. She sounds spectacular. And your thoughts about your own mortality make a lot more sense now.
Thanks for being so authentic and sharing this with us.
Found you on MMB Post of the Week. I love your header!
Thanks for sharing this, it must have been hard to write. I'm so sorry that you lost your mother so young- I can't even imagine.
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