I'm trying to stay positive.
I really, really am. For instance despite the fact that I only slept from 10pm to 2am I was able to wake up and watch some stand up comedy with Matt for a while before he crashed on the sofa. Silver lining.
I've been trying to get together information (and inspiration) to start a post regarding this big new health regime I'm going to embark on. But really, I'm so disorganized I have no idea what I'm wanting to do. I want to get healthy. That's it down to the core, but how? I'm not joining Weight Watchers, I'm not going to be on any specific diet plan, or join a gym. It's all going to be just me. Just me picking exercise videos off of Netflix and lifting my 3 pound weights at home. Just me trying to cook more and eat out less. Just me needing to set timers to remind myself to eat every few hours so I can hopefully kick start my metabolism.
I even got a new scale for only $10!
But here's where the dominoes kick in: I've waited so long to get my health back that I don't know what all needs to be done. I have joint problems, hormone issues, possible insulin resistance... most of these can in fact be completely solved or at the very least eased by losing weight and getting in shape. But then there are other things. Things I cannot see. (Of course I can't see insulin, but that's besides the point).
I've been suffering from a lot of pain recently. Like a horrible balloon is expanding inside of me and shoving my organs into one another like some horrifying traffic jam. Nothing seems to ease it, and since my anxiety assisted in me leaving my job, we're sans a second paycheck and I refuse to toss $200 into the trash can by going to the ER. After enough research (and a proper emotional meltdown) I'm fairly positive that what's causing this problem is uterine fibroids, which unfortunately . . . cannot be cured. They can be removed surgically, but more often than not, they grow back.
The most common treatment appears to be a full hysterectomy. That word sends chills down my spine that only women with fertility problems can truly understand. It's one thing to suspect not being able to concieve and carry a child . . . but the thought of no longer possessing the machine to even make that a dream? It scares the hell out of me.
And yes it's completely extreme, and I'm totally over reacting, but seriously, when don't I over react?
In the meantime I have to wait until Monday to call for a doctor's appointment. I hate waiting. I'm horrible at it. It makes me think about things too much. I don't like thinking. I need to watch more cartoons. Brain killers. It's relaxing.
So in the middle of this whole health revamp, I have to consider all aspects. My mental health, emotional health, spiritual health. Which only leads me to think of my downfalls. I have come to accept the limitations that my OCD, depression and anxiety have put me in. And slowly, I will break through them. They will not define me. But it's the things I should be able to grasp that I fall short of.
Religion is a big one.
I believe everything about my Church to be true. There's not a single part of it I question. But I look to other religions (or even some people in my own) and I have such respect. For my Catholic friends who know each and every saint, prayer and holiday that coincides with their beliefs. For my Jewish friends who wear beautiful hair coverings when they get married. For my Christian friends who not only know the Bible back and forth, but they truly live it. And of course for my LDS friends who unlike me, seem to be able to attend Church every Sunday, read their scriptures everyday, and function in their callings.
I wish I were them.
Domino effect.
And I'm one of those people that is constantly saying, "Tomorrow I'm going to start doing this! I'm going to have a spotless gorgeous house, and I will learn to scrapbook, and read my scriptures everyday, and I will have dinner parties and we will have many friends, and cook healthy meals and one day I will run a marathon!" And then tomorrow comes too soon.
The Self Help aisle in the book store keeps a constant reservation on my standing spot. It's right between the "How to Deal with OCD" and "Organizing for Dummies".
Is anyone else like me? Just waiting to find that perfect key to unlocking the normal you?
Man this post got serious. Here's a video of a cow eating a chicken to end things on a lighter note.
Update: I should never watch Julie & Julia when I'm in a fragile mood. It just makes me all goopy.
Update x2: A part of me still wants to blog my way through Paula Deens cookbook. But I have a feeling that would contradict all the health changes I want to make. At the same time, Paula Deen suffered from agoraphobia (which is actually something I've been dealing with recently). Perhaps the FDA has not thought to test the usage of butter on anxiety related disorders.
Update x3: This makes me feel goopy too. But in a good way.
12 comments:
That domino effect can work in reverse, you know. As you lose weight your health problems as well as your life can improve. Positive thinking coupled with motivation, wherever you find it, will help enormously. You have your blogging friends, myself included, who are here for you.
As for me, I don't think I could have done it without Weight Watchers. I think their eating plan is great and the gym has helped too - water aerobics especially.
Good luck Jia. And you can count on me for support if you need it.
You sound so much like me. I think really the best advice anyone can give you is be gentle with yourself. I too am a 'do it tomorrow' person. I flit between hobbies and bore of them quickly (or more accurately get frustrated with myself when I can't do it straight away and so stop). I think that's one of the qualities I'm here on earth to develop. Patience with others and with myself. Don't compare yourself to other people just be happy being you. We're all different, we all have our weaknesses but equally we all have our own unique strengths and beautiful qualities that make us irreplaceable to the people in our lives.
I love your blog (just found it recently) and I think you're great. I also LOVED your post about wrestling. I too am a fan off the Lycra and unbelievable story lines.
Keep smiling and be nice to yourself.
Claire xx
hey jess! i love you. in that friendly brotherly way. not the creepy stalker hiding outside your window way. cus that would be awkward O_o...
I think people often get to a point where they are so overwhelmed, they just have no idea where to start. Make a list. And start with the easiest things.
I have to be honest, I have a really hard time getting up and going to church. I feel very, very disconnected from our branch, and with Adam being gone a lot, it's not easy for me to go. And I don't always go. I do more than not, but I should be going all the time. So my small goal is that I will at least go to sacrament meeting every week. Because once I do that, I almost always stay. Small things.
Health-wise, start small with simple things.
Religion-wise, remember almost no one has bare feet. At the moment I'm working overtime at home and work, stressing, worrying, planning, and fretting about impressing a fellow blogger friend flying over to see me. I want her to think I'm an amazing housekeeper, tour guide, cook, etc., etc., etc. And it's not true, it's just me with my best heels on. So when you see these women you envy, keep reminding yourself that you are not seeing anything like the real picture!
And just so you know, your bare feet have inspired me. I think if we all were more honest about ourselves and our lives we could do so much to build each other up and help us all realize we're not alone!
Hi. Depression is awful and it makes it extremely difficult to settle on a healthy lifestyle of good food and exercise.
My experience included seeing my Dr. I hated going on antidepressants but it helped so much and I realised what an awful person I had been. Then I tried a low carb but still balanced, not high fat eating program. I have discovered that the starchy foods contribute to the depression and foggy brain. Now I focus on proteins, fruit and vegetables. The less white flour, any flour really and sugar, any sugar except what occurs naturally in fruit & vegies, I consume the better I feel and the dominoes begin to stack up nicely. It's not easy to begin with and I do often struggle but it's do-able.
Wesh you all the best as you work out your 'plan.'
This is why I stalk you. Because we are so much alike, it is scary. I know exactly what you mean, especially with the whole "tomorrow!" thing. That's like the story of my life. Bleh.
Come visit Utah. You know you want to hang out with me :D
Wow . . . lots of comments . . . bare with me:
Thanks so much. I can't wait for our pool to open because I do enjoy swimming as I have hip and back pain that even makes walking harder. I just hate how muddy the waters of weight loss are. All programs say to consult a doctor, but every doctor I've consulted has no idea and refers me to a nutritionist that my insurance won't cover. Conspiracies I tell you.
I think I'm going to try listening to Paul McKenna, he does hypnosis type tapes that have helped me in the past with sleep and stress management, and a lot of what he says about weight loss makes perfect sense to me and I think might be doable.
Kristina - I think my big problem is that I hate crawling out of the hole. I'd rather start from scratch. Like when we moved into a new ward, I felt such relief. We could just go and people wouldn't have any preconceived ideas about us. But slowly we trickled away due to illness or other reasons like work and such, and now we're just the inactives again.
Claire - I know I'm not supposed to compare myself with others but that is such a slippery slope because I just look at others and go, "Wow they are so inspirational" and then OOPS! Comparing. LOL!
Josh - Stop defining your love for me. Matt's not reading the comments waiting to pounce on you. Love you too . . . . . . bro.
Annike - Yeah, but I still like the fake picture. LOL! I can't even wear heels. I fall over. Seriously. It's rather pathetic in a funny way. Except when I sprain my ankle. Heels are forbidden in this house, which sucks cause I'm sure they'd make my legs look awesome!
I'm glad that my bare feet are inspiring some of you. Truly. It makes it easier and that was the whole point right? To help everyone be honest about themselves because honesty is beauty, despite the flaws.
Kris - Honestly I'm hoping we can come home to Utah for a visit sometime this summer. It's not for certain of course but Matt wants to go on a vacation and it's been too long since I've seen my family. I have a niece I've not met before, my sister has a store I'd like to go see, and I have so many friends that I've never met that I'm dying to get together with. I miss Utah.
People should send me things from there. Like La Puente, Cafe Rio and Arctic Circle!
MargieAnn - Thanks so much MargieAnne. I know the sugar is a big part of everything. It's not a food, it's a drug. My husband and I have wanted to quit drinking soda for a while now - but oh those caffeine headaches!
I think the fact that you recognize this is a domino affect, and you know what you need to do, you are in a little bit of a better place than you think (I hope!) I am just like you, and I tend to get in a circle of I need and want to's and then get more depressed when I don't get them done. It is definitely a struggle, and I hope you win. I KNOW you can!
Vicki - There are good days and there are bad days. I know how you feel. Thankfully I've been met with such a supportive group of people online, and they get me through the bad days.
Geez woman (women? I guess!)...I totally get you guys! I think bird of a feather blog together here....
I suck at church attendance. I get so busy with designs and try to justify "working" on Sundays. I'll usually go to just sacrament...then I'm like "GAH! I really need to get that done!"...Now that Brad's gone it's WAY easier too. When really I just don't like my ward anymore. They know the "real me" TOO well and I don't like it! LOL!
On that note...I don't think there's anything wrong with putting your "best" foot forward. I always put on a "front" for everyone so they think I'm perfect or whatever(and it rarely works anyway) but it doesn't stop me from trying. It shouldn't stop you either. If I came over to your house, I'd want you to try to impress me - even though I'd know you're just like me and storm cleaned the house right before I got there. That just makes me like you more! LOL!
Also, your brain is always going to automatically go to the WORST possible scenario. That's just how you work. A hysterectomy might happen, but it probably won't. Don't pysch yourself out. Easier said than done right? I'm horrible at this. If someone dies, I'm very solemn. It happened. It's over. There's nothing I can do about it. So I'm never completely obliterated emotionally when something irreversible happens.
As far as diet goes - you've gotten great advice already. Esp. with carbs.
Just remember - if you fall off the wagon, just get back on ASAP.
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