Today I found out that someone close to me is pregnant. Someone I never thought would be pregnant before me. It caused a lot of feelings to go through me. Mostly because after 6 years of marriage - 6 years of trying, we are still one person shy of a family.
This does not mean I am not happy for those around me that do get pregnant. I am. Believe me I am! I want to stress that as much as possible because another friend said she would feel bad if she got pregnant and I did not. I want the world to experience what I - so far - cannot.
But it still hurts.
It hurts when in the 6 years I've been trying . . .
16 new babies have been born into my family. 2 sets of twins. 2 of the parents are younger than me. For them I celebrate.
3 friends have accidentally gotten pregnant, and given their babies up for adoption. For them I am proud.
4 friends have accidentally gotten pregnant, and had abortions. 2 of which did not have a choice. All of which remain emotionally changed forever - and not for the better. For them I mourn, I grieve, I support through their healing, and I weep for their broken hearts.
2 of my best friends knows how I feel. For them I cry alongside, and I pray.
3 of my best friends have gotten pregnant 3 times while trying - - - for them my heart leaps for joy.
For my baby sister, who found out today that in 8 months she's going to be a Mom . . . I am happy for you.
So please . . . do not take my tears personally.
Before anyone comments, remember my rule about pity words.
And because this post was WAY WAY serious, here's a post I previously wrote on a similar subject that's a little more upbeat.
12 comments:
:( I pretty much could have written the same post. That stupid video makes me cry every time. You probably already know all this, but after three successful (meaning, I ovulated) rounds of Clomid, we still weren't pregnant. My periods are still irregular. Right now my left ovary hurts a little...and I think there are bad things brewing in there. (Like a cyst??)
Anyway, I have NO idea what your doctor has told you or what your personal problems are. But MY problem is basically...I'm too fat. That sounds HORRIBLE because there are a lot of people fatter than me who get pregnant, and a lot of people thinner than me that can't. But it's so hard because my PERSONAL problem is that I'm too fat - and it is COMPLETELY preventable and reversible if I just worked hard enough and tried hard enough. Literally, a CHILD is the ONE thing I want, more than anything else in the world...and I can HAVE it. If I just do the one thing that everyone else in America is trying to do - lose weight. The one thing that's the HARDEST for me to do. I mean, I have the FREAKING LAP BAND and still can't manage to keep my hands off a meatball sub. *mmmmm*
Anyway - from your posts and some comments on my Babymakin' Blog - I've decided that it really is time. I may fall off the wagon, and it may take time - but it's better than what I am doing right now, which is being in denial that I'm too fat to get preggo and that just having sex every other day should get me pregnant. It won't - that's obvious.
Moving on - I hope that you can get a good doctor and really find out what's up. Or if you already KNOW what's up, I hope you can find a way to fix it. In the meantime there's nothing anyone can say to you or me that will make us feel less sad, bitter, happy, emotional, etc... when someone announces that they are pregnant. So we are just going to have to deal with it. Deal with it like a guy who lost his arm has to deal with it.
But I DO love you and I highly doubt that we will get pregnant at the same time....so I look forward to being jealous of you when you finally tell me...
Sorry for writing a BLOG POST in your comments section.
I just read your other post again though - and LOVED it. BWA HAHA HA HA HA HA!!!!
I love you to death April.
There aren't even enough words.
Mostly because you said them all.
Okay.. I wrote a long comment and then deleted it because words can't describe how much I understand. Especially since I am finally in the place to make a baby.. and in the last year I gained 35 lbs. Making it even scarier. Life is precious and God has a plan. We pray. Being twenty-five is scary. But we are alive and keep trying.. I cry thinking of my friend Ben who died in Haiti after being married for two years.. he was 25 and won't have kids. I know God will give us what we ask for.. just in time. Uhm..yea. Congrats to your sister and I have joy in store when we all have the good news!
April - I secretly cheer every time I see an obese woman with an infant. It's like a myth come true! Fat women can have babies! It just seems that this fat woman can’t!
-and- ovary pain is the worse. My right ovary flairs up every few months. You have my sympathy.
Jessica- You still are a family, even if your mortal existence is childless, you have an eternal future of being a heavenly mother. I know I personally hate hearing that so I suspect you do as well, but there is some comfort in the back of my mind remembering that.
I totally understand what you mean though! I think I've had worse post-partum blues than my friends did when they have had their babies. It's hard to be happy and devastated all at the same time. Even if I weren't a member of the church I've been married over 6 years, it's time already! And as a member of the church (albeit inactive, but I'm working on that) and feeling the social pressures that come along with that, I should be on number 3 or 4 by now, right?
I swear my husband and I were greeted as "It's the newly weds!" until our first anniversary and then the next day it changed to "Are you pregnant yet?" That went on for about 18 months, and changed to "Why aren't you pregnant yet?" I can't believe anyone feels like they have the right to even ask that question. When they do, I feel like I've sprouted antennae, warts, and a third eye because I'm mormon, married and childless.
Anyway, I hope you don't see this as a pity post because it's not what I intended. It's an empathy comment, because I'm right there with you. It freaking sucks to feel so left out for something that you want so bad and seems to come easily to everyone around you!
We should do lunch sometime and catch up. I’ve been craving Osakas for months now. The only time I’ve been there is with you, so it would be fitting that another visit would be with you.
I KNOW how much this hurts, girl. I can empathize with you and April both, this feels horrible. This month marks 3 years of trying to get pregnant with nothing to show for it. Every word you said resonated with me, because it's happened to me too - my brother's wives have had babies, my best friend, my friends over here, cousins, *everyone* is getting pregnant but me. At least that's what it feels like. It is so hard to not get bitter; it's a daily struggle to keep myself upbeat and positive.
It's amazing how you can feel two emotions so strongly at the same time for the same thing. I was finally able to conceive and have my daughter, but even now, it hurts me inside when I hear how easily others around me become pregnant. It's not fair how it works and that you're always supposed to be happy for them. Of course you are, but you have to be allowed to feel screwed too!
ok so sympathy out the window because everyone above did it for me. i am lacking the ovary's to associate with not being able to bear a child. but i can definitely understand having to deal with loosing my arm. if you chop off my arm jess i am going to ninja hunt you down with one arm, and kick your ass. and i think the best quote ive heard for this situation is "Those bitches" i think that fits, and that video sucks. ur evil but i still love yah
I found you through your 'stalker' as we are 'bloggy buds' as well. All I want to say is:
I understand, completely. I cry every day, multiple times. Words cannot explain how much I understand. The End.
Thanks everyone, for making my comment seem less "novel-y"....hehehehe.
I pray that your wish will come true. I've had many friends that have experienced your desire and we cheer a thousand times over when it comes true. I pray we'll be near you when it happens. Love you.
Bah. Well, I'm right there with you tonight. One of my best friends just found out she and her 'sterile' boyfriend are having an accident in 8 months.
I know you don't want pity words hun, but I'm hoping so so much for you and have my fingers crossed so hard it hurts. You and your handsome hubby deserve a baby so much and i truly hope you get your wish someday xx
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