Brain Fluster

I'm having an off day.

Not depressed really, and no panic attacks so far, but my brain just won't shut off - which is what usually leads to my panic attacks. One thing leads to another and sooner or later my brain is telling me that a bear is gonna break through my front window and eat my cat (slight exaggerated modification.)

I'm so tired. Like unbelievably so. I'd been tired the last 6 months or so, and I chalked that up to working at 5am with only 4-5 hours of sleep at a time. And before that my exhaustion was believed to be because of stress. And before that because of something else.

But I'm still tired.

And the last few days I've been able to concentrate on my body. My bare feet are showing me new signs. My body is trying to tell me something. It's saying that something is wrong. But until we figure out our insurance and get to a doctor to get evaluated, blood tests and such, I'm stuck where I am wondering. I'm pretty sure it's diabetes, and despite the fact that it's treatable and in a lot of cases reversible, it's still the unknown. It runs in the family and I know where the extreme of it can lead to. My Grandmother has it. She is missing at least 40% of her feet and legs.

This should make me go, "Wow, I should get up off my ass and exercise!" But then there's my brain. My brain that says, "Remember the last time you tried to exercise and you jacked up your knee? Hey remember that show you were watching where that lady got all into exercise and didn't even realise that she had fractured her hip?"

Plus any time you watch those exercise or weight loss shows at the end they always say things like, "Consult your doctor before taking up any weight loss or exercise regime." So now what?! I just have to sit and wait. It's frustrating! Being tired and unmotivated at the same time. I hate being frustrated. I want to just be happy and funny and make people laugh.

I promise. It'll come.