Photo Caption Contest

You know what's great about blogging? Copying other bloggers ideas. What? Do you expect me to lie and be all, "Oh I totally just came up with this awesome idea! I'll post a photo and you guys make up some funny caption to go along with it! It'll be hilarious! I'm so original!"

Well I'm sorry, but I'm not a liar.

Unless it's amusing.

Anyways, have y'all seen these things called face shaking pictures? I don't even know what the technical term would be. Basically you shake your face back and forth really fast and have someone take a picture. It's hilarious! There are websites dedicated to these pictures. So naturally since I lack dignity and self restraint in any form, I decided to play along!

So here you are Untypical Readers! The first (of many) photo caption contests! Submit your caption for my stupid looking photo in the comments section below and we'll vote when I feel we've got enough entries. The winner gets my love and respect - and possibly a pony - but probably just my love and respect - or you just get to be called "winner" which let's face it, is like the best prize ever.

If I Could Be a Superhero . . .

If I could be a superhero, I think I would be the Fertile Fairy!

It's like the tooth fairy, only instead of getting money when you put a tooth under your pillow, you get pregnant. Considering how many friends of mine suffer from infertility and other gynecological problems (myself included) I think this would be an awesome power to have.

While you're "baby dancing" I would perch on your headboard and throw "baby dust" at you. Baby dust is like pixie dust, only less like glitter and more like fertility drugs

My sidekick would be a stork named Frank.

And while we weren't stalking your bedroom at night, we would go out in search of teenagers having unprotected sex, and we would punch them in the face. Cause really, would you want to ever have unprotected sex again if you were punched in the face mid coitus? I'd be all, "Let's wait 'til we're married so we can have our own place and lock the frickin' door!"

Of course you wouldn't know that I can totally jimmy the window open. But by then it'll be okay cause I'll just throw "baby dust" at you instead of punching you in the face. Then we'd be cool. Cause really, if someone gave me a baby, I'd get over the fact that they once punched me in the face.

And then I would egg Kate Gosselin's house and leave a note that says, "I'm Not Affiliated With You!"

And she'd get all angry cause I would steal her celebrity status so she'd team up with her ex and they'd become my arch enemies. Like the Wonder Twins only instead of having the ability to turn into things and fight crime, they're just really crappy parents.

But they would not defeat me because I would team up with the Duggars, and the Duggars have God on their side. And the Fertile Fairy.

Boo yah.

What kind of superhero would you want to be?

(This video may be offensive to some, hilarious to others. Watch at your own risk.)


PS: It would also be cool to have a blue tail like Nightcrawler.

PPS: This post is not meant to judge anyone who's had premarital sex or children out of wedlock. If it weren't for people like that, some of my favourite people in the world wouldn't even exist. Like . . . everyone in my family. Myself included.

Welcome to the Caribbean Love

Hey do y'all remember that one time where I went on a cruise to the Caribbean?

Me too.

I miss it there.

Well I thought for Wordful Wednesday I'd share some of my favourite photos that I took. Don't worry, they're totally . . . almost . . . completely . . . . kinda safe for work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Excitement. We haz it.

New Mexican Moxie!

Hola, my name is Untypically Jia, and I live in the Land of Entrapment Enchantment, here in Albuquerque, New Mexico! I had the opportunity of giving a tour of this beautiful land to my new friend Mona! Mona's been completely exhausted cause she's been traveling all over the states thanks to these chicas:

Hosted by:
Better in Bulk
Mama’s Losin’ It
Mayhem & Moxie
Scary Mommy
& 7 Clown Circus

So I told Mona since there's so little to do here in New Mexico, she could take a break and enjoy the rain that so rarely touches us here in the wasteland.

After Mona finally sobered up from her trip to Vegas, I began to tell her all about me and my life. She cut me off kinda early because apparently she'd already been to Utah, where Kristina already told her all about Mormons. Which seemed kind of funny, because she still got all liquored up in Vegas.

Mona needed an intervention.

Of course that was put on hold when I had to explain to her that, no, she hadn't actually left the country by mistake and that New Mexico really wasn't in Mexico, but was an actual state. She didn't believe me, especially when a bunch of my neighbors half red chillies hanging on their doors, and she didn't understand the language.

I realised that perhaps New Mexico had some interesting culture to offer Mona.

Here she learned that when a waiter asks you if you want red or green, they're referring to chilli, and no matter where you eat, you're probably going to get haphazard New Mexican food instead of the Mexican food you were craving.

She found out that here in New Mexico, tumbleweeds really do exist!

Coming from other greener states, Mona was confused as to where all the grass was. I explained to her that we didn't need grass because we just covered our lawns with pretty gravel and crushed rocks. We're very smart we New Mexicans!

We're also very happy to announce that Mona is now fluent in Spanglish and can half way communicate with anyone in the state!

Mona and I went shopping and I told her about how every Christmas here in New Mexico, in addition to the crushed rock on our lawns, we decorate our yards with paper sacks filled with sand, and then we light them on fire! She wished she could stay for those fun events, but since she had so many other places to visit, she hung out with me while the rest of the city prepared for the annual balloon fiesta which happens every October.

All in all the trip was a pretty good one. I made a new friend, Mona got to learn about a new culture, learn a new language, try her hand at some spicy cuisine, and she even had a chance to relax a little, watch some television and read some comic books.

Unfortunately she turned out to be a DC Comic fan. We didn't speak much for the rest of her trip.

I Might Offend

Do you have a blog you and then a real you? I do! I do!

I was talking to my friend Jess today about how I should probably create a brand new blog under a different email so I could post things that I really think about because if I posted them here I would offend some readers, scare my family, and ruin the perfect image that you people have obviously created of me (hint: I weight slightly more than 135lbs.)

But honestly lately it seems like the only place I can really be the real me is with my husband. So how on earth can I function as a balanced person, or at the very least pretend I'm more than 50% sane when all I'm doing is living another life online? Something I might add, I make fun of other people for (Not bloggers, just World of Warcraft people. Hi Josh!)

So I've decided to let the real me out. As crazy, inappropriate, thoughtless, sarcastic, redneck, smart mouth and frankly, sometimes a little dumb . . . she's going to be let out. I'm not perfect! It would be awesome if I were (mostly cause I assume perfection would include super powers) but I'm not. I'm totally flawed. I'm not the perfect wife. The perfect daughter. The perfect niece, sister, cousin, friend. I'm not the perfect Mormon. I'm not a perfect person. But gosh darn it . . . I like me!

So, to ease y'all into my imperfection . . . I've made up a little list of things that I've been hiding from you up until this point:

1. I make fun of almost everything. 
2. I am completely foul mouthed. I try to keep my blog curse free though because frankly, my mother in law occasionally reads my blog and I just don't want to hear about it.
3. I invented the perfect curse word . . . and yes, I use it often. It's too perfect to blog about tho.
4. Farts are still funny at 25 years old.
5. 'Tarded' is what I was called as a child when I was purposely being dumb. I use the word often and it in no way is in reference to the mentally handicap.
6. I have friends of all races, genders and religions. But I use politically incorrect terms and all the jokes are still funny.
7. I loved George Bush! But the jokes about him were still funny! I can't stand Obama . . . jokes about him are hilarious.
8. I hate PETA. I would totally wear a fur coat if someone bought me one. 
9. I purposely do things to annoy people sometimes. Like say "boobs" around my mother in law. She hates it. I think it's hilarious.
10. I've never wanted kids more than when my 3 year old nephew dropped the F-bomb.
11. I resent people who get pregnant too easily.
12. Being stupid and childish is just sometimes more fun than being a serious, educated adult. Even if you have to fake it. I'd rather watch cartoons with my husband than the news. I never watch the news. If it's something important enough for me to know about, someone online will tell me.
    
13. Just because we don't agree on politics and religion, doesn't mean we can't be friends. It does mean that sometimes when you talk, I whistle the tune of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" in my head.
    
14. I have tattoos! And I love them.
15. I snort when I laugh.

There's probably a ton more, but I felt I should ease you into this transitional period. I still have serious moments of course. I still have OCD and I want to help people. I still love my husband more than anything and I believe that my place is in the home. I'm still LDS, I love God and my faith has never been stronger! I wish I could be a perfect classy lady, but in all honesty, my husband loves me for who I am. He gets me. I get him. We're 'tarded for each other.

Daily Gratitudes:

1. I know who my real friends are.
2. Humor. It sustains my life force.
3. Blogs like these that keep me laughing even if they're totally inappropriate.
4. My husband who seems to be perfectly fine with my pulling his arm hair when he's asleep just to make sure he's still alive if I can't tell if he's breathing. That's love right there.
5. The ability for us all to be ourselves - no matter who that might be.
   

A Southern Accent is Like a Free Pass

 While out to dinner one night . . .

Me: I have no idea what I want

Matt: Me either.

Waitress: (A 40 something year hispanic woman with a valley girl accent) Hey there sweetie! (says to Matt) What's up girlfriend? (She says while sitting down NEXT TO ME!) Man if I could sit down and make money that would be the best.

Me: Umm . . . Hi?

Matt: *Snicker*

Waitress: You guys know what you want?

Me: No.

Matt: Yeah, sorry, we need a few minutes.

Waitress: Okay sweeties! (Leaves)

Me: Bubble! Bubble! She broke my bubble!

Matt: It's not a real bubble.

Me: Personal bubble!

Matt: That was kind of weird.

Me:  She broke my bubble and called me girlfriend. I feel violated.

Matt: Your OCD amuses me. It's like a party trick.

Me: I want my bubble back.

Matt: I'm sorry. Did it really bother you that she called you girlfriend and me sweetie?

Me: Yes. I firmly believe that unless you have a Southern accent you don't have the right to call a customer any pet name.

Matt: Why just them?

Me: Because Paula Deen calls people "Darlin"

Matt: You used to call customers in Utah "Doll".

Me: Yes, and I did it with a Southern accent.

Matt: But you don't have a Southern accent.

Me: I do when I talk to my Grandmother. It rubs off.

Matt: So only people with Southern accents, or third generation mental problems can call customers by pet names.

Me: Darn skippy

Matt: Who can break the Personal Bubble space rule?

Me: . . . . Firemen.

Second Chances

Warning: If you haven't watched the season premiere of Biggest Loser, spoilers are below.

Being a woman who's overweight and has been for years and years, I find great inspiration in watching Biggest Loser. But never so much as tonight when I sat down to watch it with my husband.

I can admit that perhaps a good deal of my eating issues stemmed from things I've have to deal with. The death of my mother, my disconnection with my father, my Grandmother's stroke and eventual death, not to mention countless other deaths in my family, including the death of a friend in High School. We stress eat. It's how society seems to deal with things these days. We eat.

Aside from whatever food addictions were developed (and my OCD), I've handled death fairly well. Growing used to it in a way has prepared me to help others deal with it themselves - even though it can still be hard for me. I've mentally prepared myself for the passing of those around me. My husbands parents, my remaining aunts and uncles, siblings, friends, and other loved ones. Everyone dies.

But . . .

I've often said that if I ever lost my husband . . . I don't even know what I would do. I would not be one of those inspirational people. It would not be said of me, "Look how strong she is." I would not be a good example of how to heal in grief. Just thinking of such a day brings tears to my eyes. It's 2:25 in the morning and honestly just thinking about such a day is making me want to go make sure my husband's still breathing as he sleep soundly in the other room.

I've seen what the death of a spouse - a soul mate can do to a person. I've heard the stories of how my father fell to pieces when my mother died, despite their recent divorce. I've seen the memories in my aunts eyes when she's told me of how, at twenty-seven years old she was forced to pull the plug on her terminal husband. I've seen pain in the eyes of Grandparents, aunts, cousins, friends . . . I never want to feel that pain. I couldn't survive it.

So when I see something like this, it makes me so grateful for the time we all have on this earth. For the fact that I know families are reunited in heaven. and for those who are left on earth . . . we are given life to make something of it.

This is Abby . . .

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

And I think she's going to be the next Biggest Loser.

Because her story is of survival. And the world needs to hear it. It will give hope to others.

Pillow Talk

Me: A mosquito bit me on my thigh

Matt: Ouch

Me: It itches

Matt: Don't scratch it.

Me: But it itches

Matt: Don't scratch it!

Me: Fine, you scratch it

Matt: No!

Me: I'm gonna spit on it.

Matt: What?! Ew! Why would you do that?

Me: When I was little, my aunt told me to put saliva on bug bites and they stop itching.

Matt: That's not true, you don't have magical spit

Me: What if I do?

Matt: You don't

Me: Fine . . . you spit on it

Matt: What's wrong with you?!

Me: Well maybe you have magical spit

Matt: Even if I did, I'm not going to put it on your bug bite, a faerie might crawl out of it and then I'd have to kill it.

Me: Fine, then just smack the bug bite or something. It'll feel like you're scratching it.

Matt: No, because then the dead faerie would come back to life. Smacking sounds like clapping, did you even watch Peter Pan as a kid?

Me: You're so hateful towards faeries

Matt: And Leprechauns

Me: My thigh itches

Matt: Don't scratch it

A House of Order

You would think that having OCD I would be the very organized one. And I am. I can tell you the date and time of day my husband and I met. I can tell you great details of almost any day of my life. I can recall the exact position of any object in my entire house.

But to schedule my own day, I'm too OCD. I've tried building routines, but they always seem to fall apart. I criticize myself too greatly. "This isn't good enough," "Not enough time here," "Too much to do there." So this weekend when my husband sat down at the computer (of his own accord) and typed out a schedule for the two of us to keep to, relief washed over me.

We both agreed that we're trying too hard when it comes to work, bills, our health, and being organized and happy. We're trying too hard to be happy and it's making us miserable! Every few months I literally go through a self-help mode where for some reason I try to reboot our lives to somehow fix whatever problems lie underneath. This time, while talking we both asked, "What if it's simpler than we're making it out to be? What if it has nothing to do with money, with the housework, with having kids or college or any of the other stresses going on? We always act like our spiritual lives are just another part of the routine. Something to work on. Something to do. But what if that's the solution to the rest of the problems?"

"Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;" (Doctrine and Covenants 88:119)

Of course we both knew the answer. So hubby turned around and got on the computer and pulled up something he's familiar with (but I'm not). A missionary schedule. My husband served a mission for our church. It's grueling work. Hard labor, strict schedule, but the rewards are unbelievable!

So he has adapted us to a similar schedule (though with MUCH more free space.)

Family Daily Schedule

Tuesday-Saturday

4:30 a.m.

Arise, pray, exercise (30 minutes), and prepare for the day.

5:00 a.m.

Breakfast

5:30 a.m.

Hubby: Goes to work

Wife: Personal scripture study.  

(Right now I'm studying the Doctrine and Covenants)

6:00 a.m.

Hubby: Begins work

7:00 a.m.

Wife: Feed dogs and take for a walk

11:30a.m.

Hubby and Wife: Lunch 

12:00p.m.

Hubby: Returns to work

Wife: 1 load of laundry or dishes or both. Other chores optional depending on the need.

2:30 p.m.

Hubby: Off work on way home (exception for overtime)

All work remains at work

Wife: Finishing laundry or dishes

3:00 p.m.

Hubby: Arrives home take dogs for a walk

Wife: Starts or finishes dinner

3:30 p.m.

Hubby: Personal scripture study.  

(He is currently studying The Book of Mormon)

4:00 p.m.

Hubby and Wife: Dinner 

4:30 p.m.

Hubby and Wife: Family/TV time

6:00 p.m.

Hubby: Free Play on Xbox

Wife: Free Play on PC

7:30 p.m.

Hubby and Wife: Companion scripture study 

(We're working out of Preach My Gospel which will cover all the standard works at some point or another. Standard works being The Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants and The Pearl of Great Price.)

8:00 p.m.

Ready for bed companion shower (you have to appreciate his subtly here) and companion prayers.

He left Sunday and Monday off because not only are those days his days off of work, but Sunday is devoted mostly to Church anyways, and Monday is considered an errand/family day.

Daily Gratitudes:

1. A brand new schedule that has gone off without a problem so far today.
2. My sleeping (and not urinating in the house) puppies.
3. Mac n Cheese.
4. My wonderful playlist of music (right sidebar) that has been running non-stop all day preventing the TV from even being looked at.
5. I found where the weird smell in my kitchen is coming from! And now it's gone!
   

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net