Working Outside the Home vs Being an Adequate Homemaker

So often, when I am confronted by those who do not understand my decision to remain a homemaker. I often feel backed into a corner and I search for answers that will please them, or at the very least make them go away. "It's just what I believe." has always seemed to go over well . . . with everyone except people of my own faith, my family members, or close friends who are in similar situations.

"Well I'm LDS and I work outside of the home. Our Church doesn't say that women without kids should be forced to stay home."


"I know your situation. You're in debt. Why aren't you working?"


"Listen, I'm a housewife too, but sometimes, you just need to sacrifice, suck it up and go make a paycheck if you have to."

I know what happens when I work outside of the home. My home is destroyed. And I don't mean the actual house. I mean the peace within it. The love in my marriage. And yes, the dishes pile up. Bitterness rises. Lethargy kicks into overdrive . . . and don't even get me started on the prospect of making a bigger paycheck than my husband.

I've been going back through old Q and A's on the Fascinating Womanhood website, just to read. I happened upon this response from Helen Andelin to a reader:

"As a matter of principle, if a husband has financial disasters and they have no children, the wife should be willing to work outside the home during a temporary emergency."

So there was my answer. But then I thought, "What qualifies an emergency?" Where is the line that is drawn when a woman forsakes her beliefs on the role of homemaker and enters the working world? A late car payment? Incurred debt? A new tv? Or is it in dire circumstances when a husband has lost his job due to economic crisis or health reasons? How lucky am I that my husband is in good health and can go back and forth to work.

So if this is the definable line qualifying an emergency . . . it makes me wonder why am I so influenced by people who question my lack of a paycheck? I've had several emails from readers asking that same question:

"If I know that being a homemaker is right for us, why do I feel so put down when I'm questioned? Why do I begin to second guess my beliefs?"

I have to then ask . . . . if we believe it, are we truly living it?

Obviously we're doing something about it if we're not going to work. But does that make us homemakers? Have you ever been asked, "What do you do all day?" by your own husband? I have, and I've gotten defensive, argumentative and bitter. Why? Because honestly, I wasn't sure at the time. I did a load of laundry, certainly. But what else? Did I sleep in til noon? Did I watch television all day or surf the internet? How on earth was I making my home a place of refuge for my family from the outside world? How was I keeping our lives in order? How was I making my home a place of where the spirit of God could dwell? How was I making this my job, my calling, my duty?

We are in debt, certainly. We sometimes live paycheck to paycheck. But would that be remedied by a second paycheck? Or would we continue to live the same lifestyle, learning nothing, if not making things worse? More money means more to spend right? It has in the past.

What about learning to be frugal? What about making bread from scratch? What about finding pleasures in sewing, and cooking, and in the word of God instead of television? Would our homes find some financial peace if we all sought to pay an honest tithing? Would our marriages be stronger if we let Heavenly Father council us on a daily basis? If I took great pride in all that I did at home, leaving everything in my footsteps a thing of beauty, would I have reason to back down from my beliefs?

So I challenge anyone who is having this conflict:

If you've reached the point of financial insecurity where you are being pushed into the workforce by peers, family, or social protocol . . . add your current job - your role as a homemaker - to the top of your resume, and honestly write down your qualifications.

• Do you perform your job adequately? 
• How often do you call in sick? 
• Are you a happy person, who enjoys their work? 
• What do your customers (children, family, friends) think of your service? 
• How would you co-workers (husband) describe your attitude, performance and quality of work? 
• Do you communicate your needs effectively to your superior (God)?
• Do you obey company rules (scriptures)?
  
• Would anyone honestly give you a good recommendation based on the quality of work, consistency of work, and overall attitude you've shown in this job?

Daily Gratitudes:

1. People who say what I'm thinking anyways.
2. Friends who add Doritos to taco salads . . . and then leave the bag of Doritos for me to munch on.
3. BYU television.
4. Vitamins! Cause I got my energy back today!
5. My husband for always being funny and making my day wonderful and humorous even when my toe is broken and disfunctional and in pain.

Featured at: Gratituesday

Who Needs Sympathy Pains? I Give You the Real Thing!

One of my best friends Tish broke her foot recently. She has to wear a cute little foot brace and everything. Can't go up steps. Can't even get a real cast because the place where it's broken isn't in an area where a cast would help.

I feel her pain doesn't even begin to describe things at this moment.

Nor does this:

"Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."

About 20 minutes ago I ran my right foot directly into our dvd stand. I hurt. That throbbing stubbed toe pain. I fell over and sat down on the coffee table, silently cursing myself for being so dramatic over a stubbed toe. Matt ran and got a flashlight and that's when we noticed the blood . . . all over the floor.

"Gah! The carpet!" Was my first natural thought.

He ran me into the bathroom where I spent ten minutes rinsing, washing and hydroperoxiding the heck out of my injury, only to discover that the only bandages we have in the new apartment are tiny Spider-Man bandaids.

Pretty sure it's sprained.

Might even be fractured.

One thing I do know is that I'm currently missing my poor pinky toenail and I feel naked (and swollen) without it.

My carpet is still stained too.

"You're like the best friend ever." Tish said to me when I called her in hysterics to let her know she was no longer the lone pedestool in a bi-ped world. It's kinda worth it, but not really cause it wasn't on purpose. And here I thought I would have nothing to blog about today.

People I Blame for my Broken Toe:

1. Tish - for starting a new trend.
2. My little sister - who texted me resulting in my original need to get up from the couch.
3. Tiffany - for having to leave, cause if she was here, it wouldn't have happened. Okay well it probably would have anyways.
   
4. Matt - for owning a DVD rack in the first place.
5. Myself -  for being such an awesome friend that subconsciously I wanted to break my own foot to make my friend feel better.

Daily Gratitudes:

1. An awesome husband who momentarily put aside his issue with blood to help me.
2. He also cleaned the carpet.
3. My puppies who cried because I was in pain and they didn't know what to do.
4. I'm grateful the DVD rack was made of wood and not steel.
5. Spider-Man bandaids.

PS: While I was in the surgeon mode I was tempted to ask Matt for my camera so I could take pictures to blog about it later . . . but I was afraid of what his reaction would be.  

PPS: Ironically earlier today I went to see my acupuncturist to help get rid of the pain in my knee . . . so I could WALK BETTER. 




Featured at: Things I Love Thursday, Miracle Monday, and My Husband Rocks

It's About Being Accountable

My daily progression from strange, ill-tempered red-head to smoking hot, awesome domestic goddess constantly leads me through moments of self instruction:

"Self, you need to start eating healthier!"
"Self, you need to get the dishes washed before you go to bed!"
"Self, get off the computer and spend time with your husband!" 

(It's okay right now, he's sleeping anyway.)

You know what I love to do in my daily self evaluation and progression? I love stealing ideas from other people on how to better myself. Seriously. It's great. One fantastic idea is from my dear friend Liss, who posts a weekly accounting of things she wants to implement into her life at her blog, A Year of Wisdom. So I've decided to go ahead and steal her great idea and make myself more accountable when it comes to the goals in my life.

Goals

Mind

• Read at least 15 minutes of any book everyday.
• Write at least 1000 words everyday.
  
• Turn off computer at 8 pm (unless it's Friday, when I work).

Body

• Wake up by 8 am every single day.
• Go to bed by Midnight - if not earlier - every night.
• Take vitamins daily.
• Take dogs out for a walk at least twice before Matt comes home and at least twice after.
• Drink 6 bottles of water daily.
• Eat every 2-3 hours.
• Eat dinner no later than 7 pm
• Go to the gym at least twice a week.
• Do stretches twice a day.

Soul

• First thing in the morning, say prayers.
• Spend at least 15 minutes of the morning outside reading scriptures.
• Read scriptures for at least 15 minutes before bed.
• Say prayers together every night.
• Have a companionship inventory every Sunday.
• Go over the budget the day before pay day.
• Go to Church every single Sunday.
• Have FHE every single Monday.
• Fast at least once a month.
• Pay an honest tithing.
• Go to the temple at least once a month.
  

Home

• Start dishes and laundry before touching the computer.
• Have dishes and laundry done before Matt gets home.
• Clean out the sink before going to bed.
• Focus on daily chores and one additional room to deep clean per week.

So what are your goals?


Daily Gratitudes:

1. Bulk cooking ahead of time that saved me tonight when I had to cook dinner for 6 and my original recipe plans fell through! Yay for bulk cooked ground beef and crock pot chicken!
2. Avocados. Really, there's just nothing better.
3. My 2nd accupuncture appointment tomorrow!
4. Getting ahead of work.
5. Spending time with my sweet, wonderful husband!
   

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net


Featured at: Talk About Tuesday, Mondays Muse, and Finer Things Friday

Life Doesn't Suck So Much

Hotdog Pizza.

That's right gentle readers. Hotdog Pizza.

Invented by my husband about 6 months ago when we were determined to give ourselves cardiac arrest by combining two foods that no one should ever eat by themselves. Chopped cheddar wurst on a supreme frozen pizza, covered with shredded Mexican cheese, Parmesan and cayenne pepper. It's wonderful, and guilty enough to get you to confession to your Bishop, priest, dietitian, whoever. I however cannot make it. It's one of those things that ONLY the husband can make. Like Mac n Cheese. 

I don't know what exactly he does to it, but it's genius enough to make me forget I know how to boil water in the first place.

image

Daily Gratitudes:

1. Decent food on a cheat day.
2. Spending hours playing games at a kids arcade to get insane amounts of tickets which will inevitably buy me nothing worth the price I paid to begin with. Yep. Grateful cause it was a lot of fun.
3. The fact that somehow separately, my dogs can be housebroken - prayers would also be helpful in this area.
4. I get to go to Church tomorrow with my husband for the first time in a very, very long time.
5. I may not have kids of my own, but I still have this surrogate maternal feeling that kicks into gear when I interact with my friends kids. Today was one of their birthdays, and it was nice to see the kid so happy.

 Featured at: Kitchen Tip Tuesday, Tasty Tuesday, and Tempt My Tummy Tuesday

Working Outside the Home

I have always wanted to be a housewife. Even when I was a little girl. Though my dreams and aspirations of being an actress or singer were rampant, being a wife and mother always strongly dominated.

However, when Matt and I first married and we decided that I would stay home and be the housewife, I struggled. I didn't know how to clean or cook or be organized, so I found myself in depression and dealing with boredom (though there was plenty to do). So I would go out and get a job. I even gloated over the fact that while it took Matt 2 months to find a job in Utah, I was offered 3 management positions within an hour period just by walking around the block. It had nothing to do with skills, rather the fact that when we both went into the workforce at 16, he went into retail and I went into the food industry.

Every job I took brought dire problems into our marriage until I left completely in 2006.

Throughout our marriage I've always been able to get a job quickly because of my experience with food. I also have the ability to brown nose like mad, and make my supervisors hear anything they want to. I'm a people pleaser. I'm a company girl. While my husband on the other hand is a man of the people. He is for the customer, and he's never brown nosed anyone in his life. In fact, while in High School I earned extra credit by kissing up to my teachers, Matt got his good grades practically by intimidation and standing on equal ground with his professors. His intellect far excelled mine.

Not being the bread-winner in a society where two-income families are the norm is a bit of a struggle. It's sometimes difficult to go against the grain. To fight back for the traditional ways that I believe once made society and families beautiful. But it's worth it. 

The Happy Housewife and Fascinating Woman in me struggles sometimes to remain silent and supportive, but the control freak inside is striving to find extra money laying around the house, and is secretly looking at classifieds in the paper. I don't lack faith in my husband's ability to provide, but something inside me needs to have control of the situation. I need to know the future.

As always, I look to Fascinating Womanhood, Happy Housewives and other inspiration for guidance, especially from that of my friend Liss, the Fascinating Woman. And go figure, she talks about woman in the workforce.

She states, "The fascinating woman must choose femininity. She must live the principles of fascinating womanhood to see the fruits for herself. Then she must look to her own person, her own family, her own situation and say to herself, “What is best for all concerned?” Not merely what is best for the children, or my husband, or myself but what is best for all? In all likelihood the answer will change from time to time. Now resulting in one answer, later in another."

I'm firm in knowing that if I needed to, I could easily acquire a job outside the home to help provide income should we absolutely need it. Skills I learned as a teenager taught me that. But for now, I will support my husband, pray for his continued success, and pray that my inner control freak will have a faith in him, and in God


Daily Gratitudes:

1. My hard working, wonderful husband was able to achieve a goal at his job this week now allowing him to take Sundays off. This is something that will greatly bless our life, and we're both very excited about it!
2. I heart that man ♥ 
3. We've both been fairly successful at our new healthy eating regime.
4. A husband who's wonderful enough to go to the store and get things for my poor sick puppy, including air freshener!
5. Air freshener that smells like apple pie!
   

Featured at: Homemaker Monday, and Coffee's On

Good Old Fashioned Funny

 

Welcome to Good Old Fashioned Funny! Where every Thursday I post something funny on my blog. It will be clean and appropriate for all viewers. If you care to play along, post something on your blog for Good Old Fashioned Funny. It can be a comic strip, a picture, a video clip, or just a funny joke. Then come back here and sign Mr Linky below. You can get a button and read complete instructions here.

 

My love for Dick Van Dyke is just outstanding. I've never seen more than maybe ten full episodes, but that show can literally have me in stitches rolling around on the floor giggling like mad. This is a clip from one of my favourite episodes. It's a flash back episode where Rob and Laura are telling their son about how they met and fell in love. It's too cute and really shows off that adorable love between Rob and Laura, and what talented dancers and singers Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke are.

Daily Gratitudes:

1. My own "Wonderful You".
2. Learning the difference between an air conditioner and a swamp cooler and no longer melting in the apartment.
3. This awesome tip on cooking ground beef from Southern Plate.
4. A forgiving husband who easily forgives my quick temper (and irrational mood swings).
5. A (hopefully) cheaper phone bill.
   

Shepherd's Pie

• 1 lb Ground Turkey
• 1 Bag (about 2 or 3 cups) Frozen Veggies (carrots, peas and green beans)
• 6 Large Russet Potatoes (boiled)
• 3 Cups Shredded Cheddar Cheese
• 2 Packets of Brown Gravey Mix

Brown the ground turkey and mix in the brown gravy mix, you can add about 1/2 cup water to the mixture but not enough to make it watery, just thick and wonderful! Then add the veggies and mix together.

Boil and mash the potatoes. Then add 2 cups of the cheddar cheese to the mix.

In a 9x13 pan, pour the ground turkey and veggies gravy mixture all into the pan. Then take the potatoes and cover the meat mixture completely. Take the remaining cup of cheddar cheese and sprinkle over the potatoes.

Cook in a 350 degree oven for about a half hour to 45 minutes or until the cheese and potatoes on the top are brown, or until your mouth begins to drool obsessively. 

Small suggestion . . . put a baking sheet under the 9x13 pan because the gravy sometimes tends to boil through the potatoes and can overflow a little bit.

Enjoy!

Daily Gratitudes:

1. Grocery shopping with the hubby. I actually enjoy most of it.
2. Having a home phone again.
3. The rain. I actually don't like standing in the rain. I hate hot rain, but on a hot day, there's nothing fresher than a cool light drizzle of rain.
4. A working can opener.
5. Yummy looking tilapia on sale!
   

Handbook for 2009

This was shown to me recently over at Happy Housewives Club by Darla Shine herself. I think it's a wonderful list of goals. I'm going to try my best to look over this everyday! I've also added my own personal thoughts/goals in italics.

Handbook for 2009

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water. - I'm going to try for at least 6 glasses per day.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. - And also eat healthy snacks in between meals.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s—Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time for prayer. - Especially morning and nightly prayers with the hubby.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008. - So at least more than the Twilight Saga.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. - I'm going to use this time for meditation as well.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile. - This will be easy since I have to take the dogs out anyways.

Personality:
11. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about. - This is actually a problem of mine that I really do need to work on.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment....
13. Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. - When do I ever take myself seriously?
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip...
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often. - I really need to do this more often, especially now that we don't live nearby any of them.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:
40. Give a copy of this to everyone you care about.


Daily Gratitudes:

1. Sleeping in.
2. Spending hours writing something that makes me happy.
3. Writing alongside friends.
4. Roses.
5. Dion's Ranch Dressing.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Please Stab Me So I Can Get Rid of This Pain..

Have I mentioned lately that I have very little faith in western medicine? Apart from the few doctors that have tried to work with me in upgrading my health, I just have issues with drug dealer western doctors. By western I mean drug dealing, cutter surgeons, 4 minute evaluations, 3 hour waiting room, money grubbing egos with stethoscopes.

Now if you are a doctor, or you're married to one, I'm certain you're not the type I'm talking about. But seriously, these people are out there! And I don't trust them.

So I finally went to see an acupuncturist today and it was awesome! My normal 4 minute evaluation was overshadowed by an hour and a half conversation talking about past health issues, current health issues and goals for the future. In eastern medicine, they believe that everything is connected, so they need to know everything about you in order to treat the problem, not hide the symptoms.

The treatment consisted of a thing called cupping, which was really weird but awesome! My doctor lit a cotton ball on fire and stuck it momentarily inside a little glass bulb to suck out all the oxygen, and then placed the bulb on my lower back and legs. No, it wasn't hot. She removes the fire before touching me. It sucks against your skin, lifting it up. It helps circulation (which I'm in desperate need of) and the color of my skin tells her what circulation problems I actually have. It was so weird.

She left the room for a minute and I couldn't help it. There were like 30 glass bulbs attached to my backside. So I started wiggling around to see what kind of music I could make.

Once that was done, I rolled over and she stuck the needles in. It really didn't hurt, like at all. But please keep in mind that I am not afraid of needles, I have a high pain tolerancy, and I actually enjoy getting tattoos. She left the needles in for about 45 minutes while I took a nap.

When I woke up, I didn't feel much different. My legs were still swollen like normal, my back still ached and my knee still hurt. I was still kind of stressed. Did this even work at all?

YES.

Once I got home I climbed the two flights of stairs with ease - no back pain - little knee pain.

Also . . . she stuck two needles in my ears and said, "This will help with your sleeping." Boy howdy! I thought she meant "right now" as in, during the treatment. I don't think so. I came home and plopped on my bed to relax a bit and conked right out! 4 hours later Matt woke me up. I haven't sleep so well in weeks! It was amazing! I'm so excited to go back next week!


Daily Gratitudes:

1. A pain free back.
2. Insurance that covers eastern medicine.
3. Matt's best friend Billy, who had me laughing (at his expense) for over an hour today.
4. Tish, who is about to say goodbye to her 3 year old son for two months so he can stay with his dad. It's heartbreaking to watch this happen to my friend, but I'm so grateful to be able to see her interact with her kids. Motherhood is such a beautiful thing, and I'm so blessed to have so many friends who are wonderful mothers.
5. Homemade lemonade!

image by migrainechick

Those Who Didn't Have to Be

Today is a holiday which means every blog on the block is posting about Fathers Day. With someone who didn't have much in the way of male role-models growing up, Father's Day is a little confusing. I've never really celebrated it much to be honest.

My Dad and I don't have the closest relationship. In fact, we haven't spoken in years. Who knows if that will change.

In the meantime . . .


I have other father figures in my life today.

This is my uncle, and when I was ten years old, he was the only father I had. Separated from his own children from a previous marriage, it was certainly not his decision or plan to have his wife's orphaned niece move into the bedroom that should have belonged to his daughter.

To say that we didn't get a long when I was young, would be quite an understatement. I had been let down by men, so I refused to reach out. There were moments in time that I remember very vividly though. Spending school nights on the couch watching Wrestling every Monday and Thursday, cheering beside him and feeling like "one of the boys".

We get along very well now, and he's become an inspiration to me having turned his health around recently, losing plenty of weight and taking charge of his life.

As a teenager I had very little in the way of fathers. I didn't have the blessing that many other Mormon kids had: priesthood. So when Andy came home fresh of a mission, he was who I sought out for advice, spiritual guidance and blessings.

Andy is Matt's brother, but filled a role in my life that should have belonged to a Dad. Andy also has children, and has showed by example how a father leads his family, treats his wife, and loves his children.

Even during the times when we were teenagers and Matt and I would break-up (for a few weeks), Dad never turned me away. I was never his 'son's girlfriend'. I was 'daughter' nearly from day one. Shared laughter, father's blessings, and the often occasional borrowed $20 for a tank of gas was done through him. He showed me hard work. He showed me how to sleep in church and make it look like praying (LOL), and certainly how to poke fun at myself.


Then there's this man  . . .

The man who let my four year old niece dance on his feet at our wedding.

The man who can have a tickle fight with a 2 year old that lasts over an hour.

The man who can talk to a 3 year old on the phone for more than 20 minutes without getting bored.

The man who sneaks candy, soda, and everything else that parents don't allow.

The man who buys noise making toys, because to kids, those are the best kind.

The man who will one day be called "Daddy" in our house.

The father of my future children.

Happy Father's Day to You All!

Daily Gratitudes:

1. The chance I had to go to my new ward today.
2.  Beautiful dreams of the future.
3. Afternoon Sunday naps.
4. Family gatherings.
5. Fathers - even the ones that didn't have to be.
6. I'm doing an extra one today -- I'm grateful for a friend who understands something of what I go thru every Mother's Day . . . I love you Desi.
   

Nothing Smells Quite Like Cilantro

I love cooking. It's one of the things in this world that I truly enjoy, and have some small talent for. I may not be able to cook for fancy restaurants or world class chefs, but I can make my husband smile, and that's enough.

It's raining right now, outside our little apartment, and all I'm wishing was that I had bought another hanger garden. Cause even though my strawberry plant is no longer dying, and I have one teeny, tiny tomato . . . I lack some herbs! And there's nothing like fresh herbs to brighten up a salad, soup, or a rainy day.

There's nothing in the world that smells better to me than fresh cilantro. I crave it, and need it on so many levels that it makes my mouth watering just to think of all the things I can put it in. I was so excited when I bought some last year that I went home and planned out a whole weeks worth of meals surrounding the beautiful herb. White lightning chili, pico de gallo, tequila lime chicken . . . oh I was in heaven when I bought it.

Does anyone see the problem here? Yup, if you have a keen eye for herbs, you know that me - the girl who proclaims to the world to love herbs more than life - bought flat leaf parsley, assuming it was cilantro. Hey, when I get in the mood to cook, I don't really take the time to be observational.

Unfortunately I didn't realise this till I was nearly done with my chili and picked up the "cilantro" to smell it once more to find that it didn't have that sweet and spicy scent to it. Ruined the chili as far as I'm concerned. I did eventually go and get some actual cilantro, smelled it three times just in case, and the tequila lime chicken turned out beautifully.


Daily Gratitudes:

1. Beautiful things in the world.
2. Wonderful and Amazing friends.
3. Season 3 of Army Wives
4. Fresh orange juice
5. A husband who, despite his better judgement (and my awnry, tired mood) wakes me up at 4:30 in the morning, just to have family prayer before he leaves for work.
   

Images: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

June 19th, 1986

June 19th, 1986 was supposed to be a good day.

Lisa Crew had a hair appointment with her sister and afterward she was going to take her two year old daughter over to a friends house to have dinner. Perhaps later into the night they'd all go out to the local amusement park and spend the night riding the rides and eating bad park food.

The youngest of eight children, Lisa had turned twenty-one the year before but had already been living the life of an adult for several years. When she was eighteen years old, Lisa and her high school sweetheart found themselves with a surprise baby on the way. Born a month premature in the spring of eighty-four, the newlyweds did their best to create a family. But sometimes the happily ever after doesn't come out right the first time. By the time their baby was two years old, the couple were divorced.

Lisa wasn't going to let anything stand in her way though. She was already in college studying to become a elementary school teacher. She was a young single mother. She was unstoppable.

Always positive, Lisa had the energy of a ten year old. 4'11 and weighing no more than 110 pounds, she was working on becoming a female body builder. Stories of the events in her life would be passed on for years to come. The time she broke into her ex-boyfriends house by sneaking through his cat door. She once took on an abusive boyfriend of her sisters. He - being over six feet tall and weighing over 200 lbs - was arrested in her stead. The cops didn't believe that a feisty little redhead under five feet tall had beat him senseless.

June 19th, 1986

After leaving their home, Lisa and her daughter headed out in their tiny red car. Doug Smith - a drug addict - was driving at the same time, under an extreme amount of alcohol and cocaine in his system. When the cars collided, Lisa's daughter was tossed from her car seat under the dashboard where both of the two year old's legs and pelvic bone were broken. Lisa - crushed by the weight of the steering wheel - reached across the dashboard to shield her daughters eyes from falling glass.

No one knew whether Lisa died in the car, the helicopter that lifted her into the sky, or at the hospital where she was rushed into the emergency room. All they knew was that June 19th, 1986 a family lost a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt. A man lost the love of his life and any chance at reconciliation. Friends lost a light in the darkness.

 And a two year old little girl was left without her mother.

The world was now less perfect. 

Lisa's friends and family were called one at a time and given news that would change their lives, test their faith and ultimately they were left in a state of shock and horrific confusion.

Lisa's ex-husband had been called at a friends house and given the message second hand, "Your wife is dead and your baby's in the hospital."

Lisa's funeral was held days later, and her two year old little girl wasn't even able to attend. Strapped into a body cast after surgeries to mend her shattered body, all she knew was that her Mom wasn't there anymore.

 Doug Smith was charged with vehicular homicide, driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs, intent to use and possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia.

A murderer was sentenced to only five years in prison.

When released in 1991, Doug Smith was arrested again for vehicular homicide, this time killing an entire family. After receiving another mild sentence for his crimes, he took his own life in prison.

No remorse for the lives he had taken, or for the mother he had stolen from a child.

I know all of this, because my mother - Lisa Margaret Sanders Crew - was murdered June 19th, 1986 by a drunk and drugged driver. And twenty five years later, so many people still don't seem to care. They drink, they use drugs, and then they drive. A large percentage of the ones who do get caught, ultimately get away with it.

Former Miss America, Jennifer Berry said, "The fact remains that drunk driving is 100 percent preventable, yet it continues as a plague of human behavior that we as a society continue to tolerate."

I've outlived my mother by four years, as I recently turned 25. Every year the week of June 19th, I honor my mother. I give myself a moment to cry, to be angry. All other days I remember, and I am thankful that my life was spared.

Pains in my body still plague me from my once broken bones. Other health problems caused by the collision continue to rise as the years move on, though the emotional scars are more apparent. And though I was raised by a wonderful Grandmother, and loving aunts, nothing replaces a Mother in a child's life.

Nothing.

Don't drink and drive.

I've been asked in previous years to pass on this message on a larger scale. Please take a moment to spread the message with me. Feel free to take a button below and post it on your blog or website, pass along the story (and link back here) and sign your name to pledge not to drink and drive!

<a href="http://www.untypicallyjia.com/p/you-could-save-life.html"> <center><img src="http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f32/untypicallyjia/Family/mom2-2.jpg"/></center></a>

Please Pledge to Never Drive Under the Influence

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Dear Readers: I get emails and comments often about my mother and your words are so kind and loving. And while your words mean the world to me, they would mean more if they continued beyond my corner of the world. Please spread the message. Add this link to Facebook, blog about it, post the button on your sidebars and tweet the following message:

"Please RT @untypicallyjia  Remember #LisaCrew - Don't Drink and Drive http://tinyurl.com/3g8yo46"

Good Old Fashioned Funny

When my husband first rented Dick Van Dyke from Netflix, he was worried I wouldn't like it. So when I laughed myself silly, he thought I was faking it for him. I insisted that no, I genuinely thought the show was funny and that some of the funniest things I've ever seen have come from older television shows. When things were funny because they just were! When slapstick was at it's prime and cruelty and crude behavior weren't humourus at all.

Matt found this hilarious video online the other day and I cried I laughed so hard watching it.

So I decided to create a new fun weekly carnival/meme for everyone to enjoy!

 

Every Thursday I will post something funny on my blog. It will be clean and appropriate for all viewers. If you care to play along, post something on your blog for Good Old Fashioned Funny. It can be a comic strip, a picture, a video clip, or just a funny joke. Then come back here and sign Mr Linky below.

Don't forget to take a button and add it to your blog post, or to your sidebar and link back here:

<a href="http://colormeuntypical.blogspot.com"> <center><img src="http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f32/untypicallyjia/Modern%20Molly/Clipart/GOFF200.jpg"/></center></a>

Here are some quick guidelines for Good Old Fashioned Funny:

1. GOFF is open to anyone who wants to participate.
2. Please link your individual GOFF post and not your blog URL. Otherwise the link will be removed. 
3. While you're not required to use the banners or buttons, please link back to the weekly GOFF post, or to ColorMeUntypical.blogspot.com directly. 
4. Do not host your own Mr Linky at your site for your GOFF post.
5. Please keep it appropriate. No foul language, mean jokes (at someone else' expense), nudity or crude humor. Just Good Old Fashioned Funny!
   

Daily Gratitudes:

1. Humor.
2. A husband who's willing to share his laughter.
3. Good Luck.
4. I found an acupuncturist across the street that takes my insurance.
5. I know how to laugh at myself.
   

Boys Night In - The Male Slumber Party

Did you know boys have slumber parties? Neither did I. But apparently even adults can still have them too. Matt's best friend Billy came over last night with Tish's son Thomas for a boys night in. A night full of video games, conversations about super heroes and their movie counterparts.

No pillow fights.

In my observations of this strange event, I've put together a list of how to properly pull of a Boys Night In:

Equipment:

• 1 Xbox 360
• 1 Play Station 3
• iTunes (because apparently the in game music isn't good enough)
• 1 video rental store account
• A large collection of blu ray movies (most movies that girls would never watch)
  

Menu:

Chili Parmesan Chicken Nuggets

I originally got this recipe from Heart Smart Advice and it's become one of Matt's all time favourites. Kids love chicken nuggets, so instead of the full chicken breast or tenders that I normally do, I chopped the chicken into small bite size portions.

• 8 Chicken Breasts (cut into bite size pieces)
• 2 Cups of Grated Parmesan Cheese
• 4 Tablespoons of Chili Powder
• 1 Tablespoon of Salt

Mix together the salt, chili powder and cheese. Coat all the chicken nuggets in the cheese mixture and arrange on a greased baking dish. Cook at 375 degrees for 20 minutes. Turn the nuggets over and cook another ten minutes or until cooked all the way through. Serve with ranch dressing (cause blue cheese is gross).

Chicken Corn Chowder

• 1 Chicken Breast (Diced)
• 5 Medium Sized Potatoes (Peeled and Cubed)
• 2 Stalked of Celery (Finely Diced)
• 1 Carrot (Finely Diced)
• 1 Large Yellow Onion (Finely Diced)
• 4 Strips of Bacon (Cooked and Set Aside, Reserving Grease)
• 4 Cups of Chicken Stock
• 1 Can of Corn
  
• 2 Cups of Milk
• Spices: Garlic Salt, White Pepper, Cayenne Pepper

After cooking and setting aside the bacon, add the onion, celery and carrot to the bacon fat and cook until soft. Add in the chicken, potatoes, canned corn and chicken stock. Cook for 1-2 hours on medium-low heat, stirring frequently. Add in spices to taste. Pour in milk and cook another 2-3 minutes before removing from heat. Serve with bacon crumbles, cheddar cheese and green onion slivers.

Brownies

Be lazy brilliant . . . buy brownie mix.

Or if you have time (and they are in season) make up a big batch of Strawberry Soup Cake.

Make sure you have extra blankets (my mistake) and don't forget to serve Better Than IHOP Pancakes in the morning!

Daily Gratitudes:

1. Joy in homemaking.
2. Being able to occasionally be "one of the boys".
3. Awesome friends who give blog love.
4. The fact that even though Jasper is now drinking out of the toilet, I've figured out why he's going to the bathroom so darn often!
5. A toilet seat that closes.
   

images by dichohecho, rexipe, and cmcgphotography

Featured At: Kitchen Tip Tuesdays, Homemaker Monday, Tasty Tuesday, and Tempt My Tummy Tuesday

Wives Are Nags and Husbands Are Stupid

Do you ever notice a trend when watching television?

I was having a conversation about husbands and wives with a friend of mine and we were wondering what things have impacted people in a way that teaches women to be so mean to their husbands, or that we are so superior to our beloved men. It didn't seem to matter our upbringing. Parents divorced or happy. Working mothers or housewives. There usually seems to be a common result, so there had to be a common action.

Television.

Now I'll sit back and watch just about anything to be honest, but I can't help but notice how marriage is portrayed even in "happily married" sitcoms.

When Matt and I were first married, we joked that we reminded ourselves a lot of certain couples on some of our favourite television shows. It was funny how alike we were. But then I looked closer at the wives and wondered . . . am I really like them? Do I want other people to see me speak to my husband in this way?

Let me give you an example. Here are several quotes from the sitcoms we used to laugh about, and the wives, that I no longer want to be compared to.

Carrie from King of Queens

Doug: Do you think I'm a big sac of crap?
Carrie: Have you been reading my diary?

Judy from Still Standing

Judy (to her husband Bill): I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.

Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond

Debra (to her husband Raymond): You know what, I'm tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?

Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that each and every television show depicting marriage will have it's good moments and bad, but I was suddenly appalled at myself. Did I say similar words? Heck, do I still speak this way to my husband? When other people watch us interact, what image am I portraying? Do I make my husband look good? Or do I make him look stupid, and in the process make myself look very, very mean?

I hope that I can try to speak with kinder words toward the man I'm going to spend eternity with. Perhaps something more along this line:

Laura From The Dick Van Dyke Show

Laura: Let me put it this way: I have a happy, semiwell-adjusted husband who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss - and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world.

Appreciation.

Rob: Well, I'm wondering how long we're going to keep on with this polite talking before we get down to serious kissing!

Laura: About three seconds.

Passion.

Laura: I realize you have to do what you think is right. I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself get pushed around by anyone, including me.

Respect.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd much rather be a Laura than a Carrie, Judy or Debra any day!


 Nightly Gratitudes (since I've already posted my daily ones):

1. A sweet, hard working husband whom I respect and admire.
   
2. The fact that the passion has yet to fizzle in our marriage.
3. A forgiving husband, who loves me despite my flaws.
4. All of his wonderful traits - flaws included!
5. How amazingly smart he is!

Counting Blessings - Daily Gratitudes

I don't know about the rest of you, but I find that I complain WAY too much. Even for someone who actually doesn't complain all that often - and can find humor and blessings in any situation - I'm still not showing enough gratitude for the great blessings in my life!

I should know better than to forget my blessings. I even once wrote about it on Happy Housewives Club. So, following alongside my dear friend Liss, I am joining in with Natasha over at Becoming Something. I'm going to help Happy Up the Internet!

Now what this entails, is adding at least 5 things I'm grateful for everyday, at the end of each post on my blog. So to begin the first of my gratitudes, I'll go with the very, very obvious ones:

1. My Heavenly Father
   
2. Jesus Christ
3. My dear, sweet, loving husband.
4. A beautiful new home to call my very own.
5. A plethora of friends and family members to share life with.
   

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Olive Garden Ain't Got Nuthin on Me!

Untypically Chicken Alfredo

• 1 container (large) of heavy cream
• 2 cups of cooked chicken
• 1 container (small) of Parmesan cheese
• 1/2 chopped onion
• Parsley
• cayenne pepper
• salt
• 3 cloves of chopped garlic
• ground pepper
• 1 package fettuccine pasta
• 1 cup chicken broth

Saute cooked chicken in large pan in a small bit of olive oil with the garlic and onion, season to taste. Add in chicken broth and bring to a boil. Slowly add in heavy cream and bring to a simmer. Let the cream slowly reduce. Do not leave this alone, it will boil over and that’s a mess NO ONE wants to clean off of a stove! Add in the salt, pepper and cayenne pepper (to taste). When the cream begins to reduce slightly (it will still be very thin) add in all of the cheese and stir until completely melted. The cheese will be what thickens the sauce. While still hot, add in the chopped parsley and remove from heat.

Add in cooked fettuccine noodles (Yes, put the noodles into the sauce) The noodles will absorb some of the sauce and it’ll be that much better! Serve immediately!

I found a cheaters recipe for Olive Garden Alfredo and tweaked it until it was even better than theirs! And it is!

image

Feminist vs Feminism - Too Broad of a Brush

 I received several emails the other day after my post discussing my thoughts on feminists commenting on my blog. One reader pointed out that - in the heat of the moment - I painted with too broad of a brush when it came to feminists. So I wanted to clarify what I meant.

When I think of feminists, I'm thinking of bra burning women who not only want the same rights as men, but want to be better than men, want to put men under their feet and stomp on their heads. Want to show how much better they are than men. They are prideful, masculine, and often unbelievably offensive! These are not the women that fight for the rights of women everywhere to have any choice in life. These are women who don't settle for equality, but seek power, and often criticize good women who "choose" to be homemakers, calling them uneducated and weak.

These are the feminists that I am strongly opposed to.

I do not believe women are weaker than men, should be abused by men, used and discarded. I also do not believe that men are weaker than women. I believe in equality at it's most celestial core, and that is that though we are equal, we are different. I believe there are things that my husband can - and should - do that I cannot, or should not. I likewise believe that there are things that I can - and should - do that he cannot, and should not. And no, I'm not talking about the dishes.

Some of my friends have spoken about the different between feminists and feminism before, and since they say it better than I do, I'll simply quote them (and please, to read more from these great women, click on the links to their blogs. It will further explain their thoughts on the matter in full context):

Liss, from Fascinating Womanhood said, "I am a feminist—yes and yet I write this blog, and live by the principles of Fascinating Womanhood! I am what would be referred to as a conservative feminist. Sometimes referred to as a first-wave feminist. This is the feminism that wants equality under the law. It culminated in the 1920s and 1930s. Second-wave feminism was begun in the 1960s, continued during the 1970s and petered out in the 1980s ... Third-wave feminism ... is typically cited as having begun in the 1990s but it (along with conservative feminism) actually is rooted in the writings of several 17th century writers. This is so-called progressive feminism which declares that there is no real material, emotional, mental, ideological or biological difference between the genders."

In the same dicussion on Fascianting Womanhood, April from April Showers said, "Many feminists attempt to make themselves equal to men by appearing more “masculine” and attempting to be LIKE men rather than be EQUAL to men."

Anna from Domestic Felicity, one of my all-time favourite bloggers said, "I understand that feminism probably didn't grow out of nowhere. There must have been men who abused their power and their role of leadership, and mistreated their wives and daughters. There are still such men out there. The right answer, in my eyes, would have been to make those men behave the way they should ... reminded that he is supposed to love his wife as himself, and respect her more than himself, there would be no need to "protect" women. But feminists preferred to cast off masculine leadership altogether - with the disastrous consequences of broken society, ruined homes and marriages, and children who don't know their fathers." 

There are plenty of others that I could quote, but I think my thoughts are obvious. It's not the feminst movement that offends me. It's not the fact that I have the right to vote, the ability to choose, to own property, to achieve success in the work force - if I decided to. It's the fact that I've seen - first hand - how extremely liberal, masculine and sometimes brutal feminism has destroyed families. Has made good men weak, and marriages pointless. It has made the idea of being a homemaker, raising children, and loving - and yes serving - your husband, a position of slavery.

It is this, that offends me.

So for those who emailed me, stating that my broad brush painted you a militant or masculine feminist, when you, like Liss and perhaps myself are more conservative feminists . . . I do apologise.


Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Better than IHOP Pancakes

I got this recipe from my health freak of a sister. We ate them every morning while I visited her and I’m addicted to them now. Best of all, they are healthy, and easy to make!

Mix together in a bowl:

• 1 Cup Wheat Flour
• 1/2 Cup Milk
• 1/2 Cup Applesauce
• 3 teaspoons Baking Powder
• 1 teaspoon Cinnamon
• 1 Tablespoon Brown sugar
• 1 egg

Mix well and spoon on a hot griddle until lightly browned. While they are cooking I also add chopped walnuts or almonds, bananas, or even tiny chocolate chip cookies for my nieces and hubby!

These pancakes are sooo good.

You can also substitute things like instead of applesauce, use canned pumpkin for holiday pancakes. Instead of wheat flour, use 1/2 C wheat flour and 1/2 C wheat bran. Also adding in a few Tablespoons of ground flaxseed is good too!

image

Regrets - What About Past Relationships?

So after my post yesterday about not having regrets about the deaths that have occurred in my life, I walk talking with a friend online and she posed the question, "What about ex-boyfriends. Past relationships. Do you ever regret the people you've dated?"

Honestly. My instincts want to say, "Of course! You should have seen some of those guys!" But my OCD brain than has to analyze everything in the world tells me "No, because everything and everyone has a purpose."

I had my fair share of bad relationships before I married Matt. I had good moments with some good guys, and some moments that caused great heartbreak, and others that were stupid mistakes (not regrets - mistakes. I learned).

But everything has a purpose, or even a chain linked pattern. How do I know if one of those ex-boyfriends might have somehow lead me to Matt?

The Best Friend - My first boyfriend in high school was one of my closest friends. He was one of the first two people to even speak to me in a new school, in a new town. He was funny, and kind, and I adored him for his friendship. We dated for less than one week when he said, "I don't want to ruin our friendship." It seemed like a logical reason - that was, until he started pining after my best friend, who happened to also be one of his friends. So I made a rule, don't date close friends - their judgment cannot be trusted.

My Wolf - Heart hurting, ego gone, I was a sheep for a wolf - easy prey. The wolf came too, oddly quickly. He knew the right words, the right moments, the right everything. He was skilled at preying on the weak. But he was also very stupid. Stupid enough to get caught cheating. Cheating was one thing I always knew drew the line, ended things automatically. It was high school for crying out loud. There wouldn't be any, "Oh we can get past this - work it out." Done. Over. Finito! He wouldn't leave my life forever, oh no. The wolf in sheeps clothing would prey on my younger sister, one of two ex-boyfriends who would actually do this.

My Rebound - I actually had a rebound. I just now realised that. Oddly enough I was also his rebound girlfriend. I was risen, new found confidence and a sense of womanly integrity for having the guts to end a relationship myself. The fact that many of my friends beat the crap out of The Wolf really boosted my new ego as well. But I was still young, and Rebound was a friend of a friend. I was too young to understand what a rebound actually is - so when he ended the relationship early December of 1998, I was shocked. Wasn't I good enough now?

My Non-Boyfriend - I met The Non-Boyfriend during a dark period that year. Recently abandoned, recently cheated on, and recently dumped I had to wonder what was the point of it all? Not to mention my best friend had a new love interest of her own - Matt. So my Non-Boyfriend was there. A friend who was adorably attractive, and dark, just like how I felt. We spent massive amounts of time together. I wore his jacket. We held hands. But when I mentioned the word "boyfriend" he spiraled. I wasn't his girlfriend. This wasn't a relationship. So then what was?

My Thug - My relationship with The Thug began in early 1999. A friend of a friend. I really should have stopped listening to my friends at this point. I had somehow regained what little confidence I had from my previous break-ups, and non-break-ups. I was the one to take charge. I asked The Thug out myself. He adored me. He took me to meet his parents. He wrote me gobs of sappy poetry. He took me to the school dance. He gave me a ring and embarrassed me (not in a good way) by proposing in front of all of our friends (we were high school freshmen for crying out loud!). But his heart was in the right place. His mind - not so much. He had an anger problem. He had black outs. I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. He would get into a fight with someone else, black out, and I would try to break it up only to get knocked to the ground myself in the process. He became a stick I beat myself with. But somehow, I was able to move through it. I was able to see problems in myself, and correct them. When we split - mutually - I shed no tears. I was glad to leave - happy to see him go.

My Jacob - Jacob is not his real name. But anyone who's read Twilight will completely understand my meaning. My Jacob was my best friend (not at the time we dated - remember I had a rule about that). He was however Matt's friend. My Jacob was my boy-next-door. He was innocent and wonderful -  the perfect way to dilute the rebel in me. He was my first love. But it wasn't a love like I have for Matt. It was a love that still remains today -  as we are oddly still friends. It's a love that settles somewhere between kindred spirits and siblings. Protective. Wishful. Prayerful. If I have any regrets in life, it's that I hurt My Jacob more often that I made him smile . . . even though hurting him somehow lead me to Matt.

My Alternate Universe - Matt and I dated for about two years before we decided to see other people. As per usual, I returned to My Jacob, only to hurt him again. So when Matt had a girlfriend, and I could no longer be with My Jacob . . . there was My Alternate Universe. The way I planned my life with Matt was the way I planned my life with My AU. It was the future. A future filled with marriage, family, friends . . . maybe even children. It was long term. It was intense. It was the most painful thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. If I weren't Jia. If I didn't believe what I believed. If I hadn't still loved Matt the way I did. If My AU came from a different life. A different way. It might have worked. But we were in two worlds, trying to co-exist together in some strange cross-over that kept fighting against us, trying to show us the truth. It was a year full of tears, anguish, painful heartbreaks, long distance phone calls that began with excitement and ended with agony. He was a muse to the poetry that would somehow heal my heart. Somehow, he was also the small line that lead me back to God.

My Mistake - Did I mention I have no regrets. Well, regrets and mistakes are totally different things. I don't regret My Mistake, but he was just that - a BIG mistake. If I run into any ex-boyfriends, I pleasantly say hello, ask how their lives have turned out, and it's almost as though the bad moments never happened. Heck, I'm actually friends with at least five of them on FaceBook and MySpace! But not My Mistake. My Mistake causes nausea instantly to stir in the pit of my stomach. My Mistake was a loose canon. A weak moment in time. A break in reality. He was there to try and heal my broken heart in between the tears from My Alternate Universe. He was The Wolf . . . but more skilled, and lacking a heart. He not only dated my roomate after breaking up with me, but my little sister. But without the bad . . . how could I understand how great the good actually is? Using My Mistake as a comparison . . . it's much easier to overlook the imperfections in my husband, and find the great joy in life.

Thank you My Best Friend, for showing me what true friendship isn't, so that I could see who my real friends are.
Thank you My Wolf, for running into me ten years later only to forget my name . . . it means that I can now forget yours.
Thank you My Rebound, for doing what rebounds do, and not lasting.
Thank you My Non-Boyfriend for showing me that I need to stand up for what I want, and be clear about it.
Thank you My Thug, for your poems, your embarassing romantic gestures, and for your apologies.
Thank you My Jacob, for being my friend after all the times I never deserved it.
Thank you My Alternate Universe. You showed me how far a heart can break . . . and still manage to heal.
Thank you My Mistake . . . for never giving me a reason to regret our breakup.

So regrets in relationships, I still have none. I wish them happiness and love . . . I wish them marriage and children . . . I wish them endless joy and bliss . . . so long as it's not with me.

I have my own.

Regrets, I Have None

So my friend Dana recently posted an interesting query on her blog: "What event/events have occurred in your life that have shaped who you are today?"

That's a question that I don't even need to think to respond to.

One thing always comes to mind.

Mom.

The death of my mother has shaped my life in ways that are both obvious and very subtle. Naturally had her death not occurred, I wouldn't be where I am, how I am, or who I am. Not without taking significant personality and character traits from my person.

Had my mother not died when I was so young, I never would have been raised by my grandmother, who was the strongest woman I've ever had the honor of knowing. Was she perfect? Hardly. She smoked when I was little. She spoiled me rotten. Gave hospital orderlies the finger after she had a stroke when I was ten. She laughed when she saw people trip or hurt themselves. She once threw a television remote at me for threatening to change the channel, and once, she forgot to lock the door when Grandpa came to visit.

The scars this woman inflicted on my soul are rough and deep.

And I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I learned to laugh at myself and at the world. That pain can be healed, and abuse can be used for the benefit of others. That a person is only as good as the people whose lives they change. That nothing smells better than fresh baked pie with apples stolen from a neighbors tree.

I learned the three most important things in this world were family, love and God.

The memories of my mother's death seem more or less dreams. Unfamiliar sights and sounds that come and go with mixed colors and flashes of light. I can never determine if they are real memories, or an overactive imagination mixed with too many stories from family members who didn't know any better, or were possibly looking for the truth themselves.

But I remember that in her last moments in life, she reached her arms across the front of the dashboard in our car - broken glass raining in on us both - to sheild me from harm.

Likewise, my Grandmother, in her last words for me -"Take care of the family. Marry Matt. Find God," - were to shield me from the world. Giving me a purpose in life, a soft place to land, and knowledge that this isn't the end. That those who I loved didn't die in vain. That they had a purpose, lived it, served it, fulfilled it, and were called home.

And that I too have a purpose. A life. I am myself because of this. Because of the death that surrounded me. The darkness that has at times engulfed me. And I would disgrace their names to regret those dark days. Those empty nights wondering why I was left without a mother. Wondering why so many times I was left asking, "Why?"

The death and the darkness has shaped me.

Into a light for others.

Blog Comment Etiquette

As many of my readers know, I am strongly opposed to feminists. Not the idea of feminism, but the way that it's sometimes carried out by women.

Yesterday I posted about a women who strongly influenced many lives through the art of femininity, something that is apparently very offensive to many women who are more in touch with the feminist movement (or perhaps something else that angered them, I'm not sure.) Now, while I believe everyone has the right to their own thoughts, beliefs and opinions . . . I also believe in expressing them appropriately.

For instance:

I believe marriage is between a man and a woman.
I believe in God.
I believe that abortion is wrong.

I have gay friends - and I do not attack their lifestyle.
I have atheist friends - and I do not shove scripture in their face.
I have friends who are pro-choice - and I do not accuse them of murder.

There are ways of expressing your beliefs and still showing respect. While I am republican and conservative, I can still appreciate the sense of pride that my black friends experienced when Obama was elected. While I am a Latter-Day Saint, I still smile brightly when my mainstream Christian aunt, or my Baptist Grandmother speaks about Jesus, or my Agnostic friend talks about God.

Whether or not you believe in something, it can still be good. The feminist movement caused a great change in our world, some change I believe was very good, other changes I believe were bad. Which is why you will never find me on any pro-feminist site, bashing Betty Friedan and anyone who says she made a difference. Honestly, if I were to say anything negative about her, I would do it on my own site.

And that is what makes me curious about people who comment. While I appreciate all comments, I do not understand why feminists come to my blog of all places to tell me that they are disgusted with women who believe in marital equality (because they think women should be more powerful) or insist that me and "my kind" (I'm assuming housewives or women who believe in femininity) are a drag on society and are ruining women around the world.

Likewise I would not understand any Christian going onto an atheists website and proclaiming that they are going to hell. Or a homosexual going onto a conservative website and bashing them there. Or a white supremacists going into any anti-racist movement.

What is the purpose of spreading hate in someone else's home. Would you walk into your neighbors house and wipe dirt on the walls? No. If you're going to speak your beliefs (hatefully) you do it in your own home. So don't come to my blog (or anyone elses' blog) and spread hate. You have your own blog for that I assume. Show respect for the people, even if you don't respect the beliefs and ideas.

Should I ever say, "What do the liberals/feminists/democrats/etc think about this?" on my blog, I fully expect those who read to give me their full and honest opinion, as I have done in the past when I've read a request for comments from someone like me.

This isn't a political blog where I'm discussing in deep the differences of the world at large and how that impacts life. I don't dive into the comments section to argue at great lengths with those who might disagree with me. There are plenty of websites like that, and I frankly don't get much out of them.

So to those feminists who left comments full of disgust, hate, and negativity yesterday (and any other day) in regards to my beliefs about femininity, feminism, conservatism or anything else you don't happen to agree with . . . take it somewhere else. Negative comments are deleted. Why would I leave them there for others to read? Negativity and hatefulness will be deleted as easily as a comment full of vulgarity, or spam. If I want vulgarity, hate and negative comments on this blog, believe me, I will be the one to put them here. Then you're free to go to your own blog and whine and complain about how much I suck.

Now, for the record, I do have friends (best friends) who disagree with me on certain subjects when it comes to politics, etc. And I wanted to showcase one of them, to show EXACTLY how a polite, appropriate, respectful and decent person leaves a comment, even when they don't agree:

April said...
Sorry this has such an impact on you! But having such a legacy - she will definitely be remembered! Of course you know I didn't agree with all she wrote - but like you said - she changed your life! So that's what counts.

So thank you April, and all other friends who know how to be adults. Who know how to show love, kindness and respect when you're in someone elses' home/blog, while still expressing your beliefs and not disrespecting anyone elses'. There is a reason my welcome mat is still displayed for you.