I was having a conversation about husbands and wives with a friend of mine and we were wondering what things have impacted people in a way that teaches women to be so mean to their husbands, or that we are so superior to our beloved men. It didn't seem to matter our upbringing. Parents divorced or happy. Working mothers or housewives. There usually seems to be a common result, so there had to be a common action.
Television.
Now I'll sit back and watch just about anything to be honest, but I can't help but notice how marriage is portrayed even in "happily married" sitcoms.
When Matt and I were first married, we joked that we reminded ourselves a lot of certain couples on some of our favourite television shows. It was funny how alike we were. But then I looked closer at the wives and wondered . . . am I really like them? Do I want other people to see me speak to my husband in this way?
Let me give you an example. Here are several quotes from the sitcoms we used to laugh about, and the wives, that I no longer want to be compared to.
Doug: Do you think I'm a big sac of crap?
Carrie: Have you been reading my diary?
Judy (to her husband Bill): I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.
Debra (to her husband Raymond): You know what, I'm tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?
Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that each and every television show depicting marriage will have it's good moments and bad, but I was suddenly appalled at myself. Did I say similar words? Heck, do I still speak this way to my husband? When other people watch us interact, what image am I portraying? Do I make my husband look good? Or do I make him look stupid, and in the process make myself look very, very mean?
I hope that I can try to speak with kinder words toward the man I'm going to spend eternity with. Perhaps something more along this line:
Laura: Let me put it this way: I have a happy, semiwell-adjusted husband who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss - and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world.
Appreciation.
Rob: Well, I'm wondering how long we're going to keep on with this polite talking before we get down to serious kissing!
Laura: About three seconds.
Passion.
Laura: I realize you have to do what you think is right. I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself get pushed around by anyone, including me.
Respect.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd much rather be a Laura than a Carrie, Judy or Debra any day!
Nightly Gratitudes (since I've already posted my daily ones):
- A sweet, hard working husband whom I respect and admire.
- The fact that the passion has yet to fizzle in our marriage.
- A forgiving husband, who loves me despite my flaws.
- All of his wonderful traits - flaws included!
- How amazingly smart he is!
8 comments:
It is so easy to fall beyond the fine line of humour and insult. My marriage was definitely over the edge with that humour and it took a while for me personally to change it once it had become part of my sense of humour style. Its not till we look back that we realise we aren't being true to our partner or ourselves.
I love this post Jia, its not just fitting with our spouses but our children, family and friends too.
Debs
Hubby and I noticed that a long time ago, because we love those horribly stereotypes shows. I think it's just more entertaining nowadays then the lovey-dovey sweetness. I've never met a real Debra or Carrie, but if I do, I won't have a problem pointing her out to herself.
Love, love, love "The Dick van Dyke Show". When we first got married "our" first show was "Dharma & Greg" and we were amused at how alike we sometimes were to that couple (me a bit crazy and go with the flow and Cory more thoughtful and precise) but then last year we watched "The Dick van Dyke Show" and were shocked to realize that was US!
I think sitcoms are great for pointing out - in a very humorous way - what our own flaws are . . . and our strengths.
Cheers!
Great post. I was thinking along these lines the other day--it is shocking to me the things that come out of my mouth to my husband. And since I didn't grow up with a dad in the house, I think I formed my idea of marriage from TV. It's stupid to think that we can push them around and expect them to take it but if they push back, "oh heck no," you know? Dumb. This is why I need Fascinating Womanhood....
Hallelujah, Jia, THANK YOU for posting this! It irks me to no end to see this on TV, and it's something I've thought a lot about. I think my husband tries to fall into the stereotypical 'fool' sometimes, but I won't follow him into the stereotypical 'nag' - I just don't want that kind of marriage. And I can't even watch 'Everybody Loves Raymond' anymore - it upsets me too much. It seems to me that all these marriages would be in serious, serious trouble in real life, but on TV, they're happy with this level of dysfunction. And it is sad, because a whole generation is learning that this is normal behavior - wait till reality hits in a few years!
I know I'm posting well beyond when you wrote this, but you got it right. I would never speak to my husband like the TV wives speak to their spouses.
And if you want a real life (sort of) example - I thought Kate Gosselin was just awful to her husband. Granted, he was less than responsive to her - but she was a major control freak.
Girl don't even get me started on the Gosselins. Kate is a giant super freak. Jon has his own problems and such, don't get me wrong, but she certainly didn't make it better. And he didn't make things any easier either. I've literally seen first hand women tear men down into lazy, ignorant jerks. I've watched it happen.
I know exactly what you mean! I don't watch any of those sitcoms, especially Everybody Loves Raymond because it seems like they have the worst perceptions of marriage. Strangely, not necessarily true of the other couples relationships, but it's accepted that Raymond and Debra are a normal couple, when she clearly thinks he's stuipd and annoying and he ignores most of what she says, only wanting physical contact.
This is clearly a pet peeve of mine! I've never seen the Dick Van Dyke Show, but now I'm gonna try and find it - you make it sound amazing!
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