Regrets - What About Past Relationships?

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So after my post yesterday about not having regrets about the deaths that have occurred in my life, I walk talking with a friend online and she posed the question, "What about ex-boyfriends. Past relationships. Do you ever regret the people you've dated?"

Honestly. My instincts want to say, "Of course! You should have seen some of those guys!" But my OCD brain than has to analyze everything in the world tells me "No, because everything and everyone has a purpose."

I had my fair share of bad relationships before I married Matt. I had good moments with some good guys, and some moments that caused great heartbreak, and others that were stupid mistakes (not regrets - mistakes. I learned).

But everything has a purpose, or even a chain linked pattern. How do I know if one of those ex-boyfriends might have somehow lead me to Matt?

The Best Friend - My first boyfriend in high school was one of my closest friends. He was one of the first two people to even speak to me in a new school, in a new town. He was funny, and kind, and I adored him for his friendship. We dated for less than one week when he said, "I don't want to ruin our friendship." It seemed like a logical reason - that was, until he started pining after my best friend, who happened to also be one of his friends. So I made a rule, don't date close friends - their judgment cannot be trusted.

My Wolf - Heart hurting, ego gone, I was a sheep for a wolf - easy prey. The wolf came too, oddly quickly. He knew the right words, the right moments, the right everything. He was skilled at preying on the weak. But he was also very stupid. Stupid enough to get caught cheating. Cheating was one thing I always knew drew the line, ended things automatically. It was high school for crying out loud. There wouldn't be any, "Oh we can get past this - work it out." Done. Over. Finito! He wouldn't leave my life forever, oh no. The wolf in sheeps clothing would prey on my younger sister, one of two ex-boyfriends who would actually do this.

My Rebound - I actually had a rebound. I just now realised that. Oddly enough I was also his rebound girlfriend. I was risen, new found confidence and a sense of womanly integrity for having the guts to end a relationship myself. The fact that many of my friends beat the crap out of The Wolf really boosted my new ego as well. But I was still young, and Rebound was a friend of a friend. I was too young to understand what a rebound actually is - so when he ended the relationship early December of 1998, I was shocked. Wasn't I good enough now?

My Non-Boyfriend - I met The Non-Boyfriend during a dark period that year. Recently abandoned, recently cheated on, and recently dumped I had to wonder what was the point of it all? Not to mention my best friend had a new love interest of her own - Matt. So my Non-Boyfriend was there. A friend who was adorably attractive, and dark, just like how I felt. We spent massive amounts of time together. I wore his jacket. We held hands. But when I mentioned the word "boyfriend" he spiraled. I wasn't his girlfriend. This wasn't a relationship. So then what was?

My Thug - My relationship with The Thug began in early 1999. A friend of a friend. I really should have stopped listening to my friends at this point. I had somehow regained what little confidence I had from my previous break-ups, and non-break-ups. I was the one to take charge. I asked The Thug out myself. He adored me. He took me to meet his parents. He wrote me gobs of sappy poetry. He took me to the school dance. He gave me a ring and embarrassed me (not in a good way) by proposing in front of all of our friends (we were high school freshmen for crying out loud!). But his heart was in the right place. His mind - not so much. He had an anger problem. He had black outs. I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. He would get into a fight with someone else, black out, and I would try to break it up only to get knocked to the ground myself in the process. He became a stick I beat myself with. But somehow, I was able to move through it. I was able to see problems in myself, and correct them. When we split - mutually - I shed no tears. I was glad to leave - happy to see him go.

My Jacob - Jacob is not his real name. But anyone who's read Twilight will completely understand my meaning. My Jacob was my best friend (not at the time we dated - remember I had a rule about that). He was however Matt's friend. My Jacob was my boy-next-door. He was innocent and wonderful -  the perfect way to dilute the rebel in me. He was my first love. But it wasn't a love like I have for Matt. It was a love that still remains today -  as we are oddly still friends. It's a love that settles somewhere between kindred spirits and siblings. Protective. Wishful. Prayerful. If I have any regrets in life, it's that I hurt My Jacob more often that I made him smile . . . even though hurting him somehow lead me to Matt.

My Alternate Universe - Matt and I dated for about two years before we decided to see other people. As per usual, I returned to My Jacob, only to hurt him again. So when Matt had a girlfriend, and I could no longer be with My Jacob . . . there was My Alternate Universe. The way I planned my life with Matt was the way I planned my life with My AU. It was the future. A future filled with marriage, family, friends . . . maybe even children. It was long term. It was intense. It was the most painful thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. If I weren't Jia. If I didn't believe what I believed. If I hadn't still loved Matt the way I did. If My AU came from a different life. A different way. It might have worked. But we were in two worlds, trying to co-exist together in some strange cross-over that kept fighting against us, trying to show us the truth. It was a year full of tears, anguish, painful heartbreaks, long distance phone calls that began with excitement and ended with agony. He was a muse to the poetry that would somehow heal my heart. Somehow, he was also the small line that lead me back to God.

My Mistake - Did I mention I have no regrets. Well, regrets and mistakes are totally different things. I don't regret My Mistake, but he was just that - a BIG mistake. If I run into any ex-boyfriends, I pleasantly say hello, ask how their lives have turned out, and it's almost as though the bad moments never happened. Heck, I'm actually friends with at least five of them on FaceBook and MySpace! But not My Mistake. My Mistake causes nausea instantly to stir in the pit of my stomach. My Mistake was a loose canon. A weak moment in time. A break in reality. He was there to try and heal my broken heart in between the tears from My Alternate Universe. He was The Wolf . . . but more skilled, and lacking a heart. He not only dated my roomate after breaking up with me, but my little sister. But without the bad . . . how could I understand how great the good actually is? Using My Mistake as a comparison . . . it's much easier to overlook the imperfections in my husband, and find the great joy in life.

Thank you My Best Friend, for showing me what true friendship isn't, so that I could see who my real friends are.
Thank you My Wolf, for running into me ten years later only to forget my name . . . it means that I can now forget yours.
Thank you My Rebound, for doing what rebounds do, and not lasting.
Thank you My Non-Boyfriend for showing me that I need to stand up for what I want, and be clear about it.
Thank you My Thug, for your poems, your embarassing romantic gestures, and for your apologies.
Thank you My Jacob, for being my friend after all the times I never deserved it.
Thank you My Alternate Universe. You showed me how far a heart can break . . . and still manage to heal.
Thank you My Mistake . . . for never giving me a reason to regret our breakup.

So regrets in relationships, I still have none. I wish them happiness and love . . . I wish them marriage and children . . . I wish them endless joy and bliss . . . so long as it's not with me.

I have my own.