Obsessive and Compulsive

Hi, I'm Untypically Jia, and I'm having a panic attack at this very moment.

Why?

Because I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and frankly, it just happens sometimes.

Looking at me, you may never even guess that I have this issue, mostly because OCD has been dramatized in film and television, but not properly explained. When most people think OCD, they imagine those who wash their hands 70 times everyday, people who count their steps, lock their doors 11 times before turning shutting the lights off 4 times, or people who have homes that rival the organization and cleaning skills of Martha Stewart.

While those are fairly accurate examples of OCD, there are a few more. I thought I would explain. Mostly because I need to get my mind off of other things to help ease my panic, and oddly, talking about my disorder helps. Also, I didn't know for a long time that I even had OCD, and thinking that you're crazy (without knowing what kind of crazy) just makes things worse. So maybe, just maybe, I might be able to clue someone else who's struggling, in on what might be their actual problem.

I never really knew much about OCD other than the fact that I had it, and the type that I had was different than the other types that run in my family. I was discussing this at great length with my Relief Society President a while ago, and she's apparently researched the disorder in great detail. I began talking about my older cousins who are both germaphobes, my aunts who are hoarders, and so on. When I began talking about my own personal OCD problems, my RS President frowned and said, "Oh you poor thing, you're an obsesser."

She knew exactly the type of OCD that I had, and frankly, I would trade it for any of the others!

Here is a brief description of the general five types of OCD (some believe there are 7, and they break down into further categories . . . I think those people have OCD too.)

Washers & Cleaners - These are the germaphobes. The people that buy bleach in bulk, wash their hands until they crack and bleed, and they wash and re-wash their homes, clothes, and selves because of an irrational fear of contamination. Disease, sickness, germs . . . it's all a great big panic. You cannot get dirty because getting dirty means having germs, germs lead to sickness, which leads to disease and eventually death. It's all one great long process of fear. It doesn't have to be about sickness either. Fear of bad repuations and appearances. One person I know has an emaculately clean home, not because she's afraid of germs, but because she's afraid of what people will think of her.

Checkers - Is the stove on? Did I lock the door? Did I leave the keys in the car? Checkers are the people that have to lock the door 18 times before it feels right. They turn off lights, check the stove, windows, and every other thing in their life in order to protect themselves and others from great problems, whether it be burglary, natural disasters, or accidents in the home. It starts off with going to check the door to make sure it's locked, then going back to bed only to wonder, "Did I really lock the door?" They go back and forth until it feels right to them. Then, usually, the number of times it took to feel right becomes a ritual. They now must lock the door 18 times in a row before they can go to bed.

Orderers - Have you ever not wanted someone to clean your home because they won't do it right? That's a few people in my family. These are orderers. People that need things done their way, a correct way, to an extent that even if something is organized, they will re-do it just to make sure. People that color coordinate not just their closet, but their lives. I had a friend in high school that color coded her years. 1999 was pink. There was a pink dot on every school paper she wrote that year. Every note, every letter, every email, every moment of her life. 2000 was blue, and the pattern repeated. Once she told me her routine consisted of waking up at 4:05 am, putting her clothes in the washer, taking a shower, putting her clothes in the dryer, doing her hair and makeup, getting dressed and then going to school. One day, while she was in the shower, her father saw the washer was done, and moved her clothes into the dryer for her. When she got out of the shower, she flew into a panic, and had to start the whole day over, rewashing her clothes, and getting back into the shower. This is an Orderer.

Hoarders - Pack rats! This is my family in perfect description. When my mother died when I was two, my Grandmother and aunts packed up every single belonging and put it into boxes. I'm not sure if they even looked at what was inside. Mostly because when I was thirteen and I opened the boxes, I found a McDonalds bag, a brush with hair still on it (for cloning purposes I'm assuming), dirty love letters between my parents (cause that's always fun to find), my baby clothes, and weed! Everything might be needed one day is the train of thought. Likewise, my Grandmother died ten years ago, and yet my aunt has not cleared out her closet. She still owns every coat, every dress, even my Grandmothers old wig. Just in case. Another aunt buys everything in bulk and never throws a thing away. After all, she might need it one day.

Obsesser - Hi, I'm Untypically Jia, and I'm an obsesser. While I don't have the other types as strongly, so I can't say this from an unbiased opinion, I believe that this is the worst type of OCD. Do you want to know what symptoms it has? Have you ever thought about smothering a loved one with a pillow? How about running over a pedestrian with your car? I would never want to cause harm to anyone (sans a few ex-boyfriends) however, thoughts come into your mind, "What if this happened?" and they don't leave. Needless to say, I hate driving. I also hate getting into arguments with my husband because as we sit in silence, angry, all I'm thinking is, "If he says this to me, this is what I'm going to say, and then he'll say this, so I'll say this, and he'll get angrier, and I'll do this . . . " I don't control my own thoughts. Abuse, divorce, affairs, violence, anger, and every other dark thing you can imagine comes into your mind. It's scary, it's painful, and the only thing that helps to get the thoughts under control, is little impulses like saying a word or phrase over and over, counting, or personally, I have to shake my head like and etch a sketch, to get the thoughts to erase.

So what brought on my panic attack this morning? You of course. You other bloggers that are more famous than I am. Those who have been offered book deals and have thousands of subscribers, and hundreds of followers. When you're brain doesn't shut off, you think of every scenario. "Why don't I have that many subscribers? Are people even reading me? What are they thinking? What is she doing right? Did they sell their soul to Satan to get those Sponsors? I think I need to change my layout again . . . and again . . . and again . . . and again . . .  and again . . ."

Get the point?

The good thing is, I can laugh at myself. Some of my compusions are amusing, and Matt likes to provoke me at parties, because I react without thinking, like a puppet. I'm okay with it, it makes people laugh . . . which also helps the obsessions.

So seriously, if you think you might have OCD, if these conditions, actions, symptoms look very familiar and your way of life is being hindered, research. Don't just go to some doctor and let them pump you full of meds, take action yourself.

Here are some great sites that have helped me:

Organized Chaos
OCD Free
Phobias Help
5 Common Types of OCD (They say it better than I do)


I'm genuinely thinking about doing a weekly support post for those who also have OCD. Something to share with, laugh with, cry with over our own little impulses. If you're interested, let me know in the comments.