Tuesday, April 22, 2014

30 (Days) Before 30 (Years)

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The countdown has officially begun. 


As of today, it is 30 days until I turn 30 years old.

I honestly don't know how I feel about it. My heart changes from moment to moment. I've always been the type of person that reads too much into things, or makes a big deal out of just about anything. I'm the type of person who says, "This is my song!" to every song that comes on the radio, because somehow I can always relate. So turning 30? It's a big deal to me. But I'm not afraid of turning 30. I'm not afraid of getting older. I find the tiniest hints of aging endearing. I excitedly look forward to grey hair (though you'd never be able to know if it's there beneath the pink), I love my little laugh lines, and the way the skin around my fingernails is beginning to pucker a little in the shape of thin wrinkles that make me smile because they remind me of my Grandmother's hands.

I am not afraid of the future.

But I am afraid of wasting time.

I wasted nine years of my marriage focused on infertility to the point where it destroyed so much of myself and I threatened to bring my marriage down with me. I wasted years worried about what other people would say in regards to how I dressed, acted, spoke, looked, and even prayed - that I lived in a shell of my former self. I wasted years of my life thinking that I was a worthless, lazy human when in fact I was living with a chronic illness that caused pain and severe fatigue. I wasted years of my life hiding my OCD because I was afraid of what people would think. I've wasted most of this year (and countless years before it) because of stress and depression. I've spent years forcing myself into roles, personalities, jobs and situations that made me uncomfortable just so I could please people who don't actually matter if they can't accept me for who I am, as God made me.

And I just wasted a whole paragraph complaining about the past. ;)

So no more wasting time.


My 30 Before 30 List is no where near complete, but I am celebrating the things I DID accomplish. The rest just get added onto a 35 Before 35 list and I get to use the next five years to celebrate my time, my life, all for the purpose of creating joy! And I am so looking forward to that.

In the meantime, I've still got 30 days to go, and I'm going to use those days. Use them to document my life (Instagram #Jias30Before30Countdown), I'm going to use them to experience new things, to remember who I was when I was in my 20's, and how I've grown into the person I am - a person I am proud to know. I'm going to use these last 30 days to be grateful for the good things in my life - and all the time I have NOT wasted.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Depression Rears It's Ugly Head

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I haven't been able to write much lately.

I feel like I haven't been able to do much lately.

This whole year so far consists of big events filled with days in between where I am useless and completely unable to function as a human being. Where I can go to a comic convention one day, but can't even manage to do laundry the next. Where I can have a big girls day out with my best friend one day, and not even be able to wash my face the next.

Depression brings up apathy, and that's how I know when I'm in a bad place. When painting my nails, blogging, or watching my favorite movies doesn't even slightly interest me. Depression brings up a mixture of agoraphobia and claustrophobia all at once, where I'm terrified of leaving the house but at the same time I feel sick and trapped if I don't get out.

I've been trying to get work recently. I wanted to financially contribute to my family, especially since it's been a hard couple of months. But after the one job I was offered turned south in a horrible way (that everyone but me could see coming), I haven't had much luck. I dyed my hair a "normal" color, I redid my resume and began applying for everything. But still no takers. No interviews. No calls.

That does something to your self esteem.

It also does something to your blogging.

Social media plays a part in the job hunt now. I began worrying that prospective job hunters were looking at me online and somehow realized I wasn't good for them. So I stopped blogging. I stopped writing honestly. Despite the fact that 1 in every 4 adults is diagnosed with a mental disorder every year. Despite the fact that over 2 million Americans have OCD and over 15 million have some sort of social anxiety. Despite the fact that blogging about my disorders helped me deal with them, heal through them. I stopped. Because stigma still exists and I didn't want to get caught up in it.

And then I got worse.

I've been letting anxiety take the lead now for months, and I'm so ready to take it back. I don't have the energy, or the will power, or even the know how to do that - but I will. Because somehow I've done it before. I've come out of this before. But something needs to change.

Because I'm exhausted from feeling afraid all the time.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

I Am #NotYourBeforePhoto

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It's been a few months since I've actively blogged, and frankly during the last week I've been hesitant. One of my blogging idols, the amazingly beautiful Rachele had an empowering bikini photo of hers stolen and used to advertise for a weight loss company. As a self proclaimed body acceptance blogger I was mortified. It's not only illegal, but insulting and degrading. But frankly, it caused me to panic. I look up to bloggers like Rachele who put themselves out there so powerfully - and if this could happen to her, then could it happen to me? I didn't know if I could stand the heat of such an intense trial, and I wondered if I should stop blogging altogether.

But then I watched with amazement as the body acceptance community rallied around Rachele with fever, and I thought, if something like that ever happens to me, I am not alone. I have accidentally fallen into the most amazing community of strength and passion that I've ever known. People who have helped pulled my self esteem out of a wreckage and put me back on my feet with a foundation to stand on.

So I'm here, fat and blogging, and I am joining in with Rachele in the #NotYourBeforePhoto campaign - because I am perfect in my body, and I do not give anyone permission to use my photos, my body, or my life as their THINspiration!





Join in on the greatest community ever! 
Jump on the #NotYourBeforePhoto Campaign!



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