Love, Yourself *May*

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For those just tuning in, for the last three years I have been writing letters to myself that automatically post on my blog each month throughout the year. It's my way of keeping up with progress and showing myself the difference an entire year can really make. Instead of obsessing on the little things, I'm looking at the big picture. 

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Dear Jia,   

It's that time of the month again, the time for self review.

Past Years:

• May 2010 Letter (2011 Update)
• May 2011 Letter (2012 Update)

Past Problems:

• Perspective.
• Birthday blues.
• Losing focus.

Past Achievements:

• Taking charge of health.

Past Weight:

• 2010 - 255 lbs
• 2011 - 234 lbs
• 2012 - 242 lbs

Past Pics:

2010                     -                     2011                     -                     2012

 

Note to Self: It's one more year and we're 30. It's scary, but we're totally going to deal with this. So start now. Why is 30 scary? Dig down deep and address your fears. You were never scared of turning 30 until you turned 28. Also, keep working on your 30 Before 30 list. Don't think of the time going too fast, because you of all people know all the amazing things that can happen in one year.

Love,

Yourself

Bloggers Who Changed Everything: The Militant Baker

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Thanks to fellow bloggers who changed everything, I felt well on my way to pushing through my self esteem issues and working on loving myself and having body and size acceptance. But I needed one more thing.

I needed an anthem.

Something that resonated so well within me that I could lean on it for strength and courage when faced with the onslaught of societies expectations and ignorance. I am not a confrontational person, and even when I have strong beliefs and convictions, I buckle under pressure as a means to just keep the peace. But I've been doing that my whole life. Not just keeping the peace, but keeping quiet about my fat is no one's business but my own. About how my body is mine and I should love it, not want to constantly change it. About how my health issues have nothing to do with my weight, and I'd rather focus on an overall health than be skinny and still have mental illness and fibromyalgia.

I needed to know there was someone else out there like me. But stronger.

I needed a fat girl blogger version of P!nk. Someone whose words repeated in my head under times of stress and self loathing. Words that told me I was perfectly imperfect and I was one of many in an army of girls who refused to be pushed back.

And I found her in The Militant Baker.

A foul mouthed, tattooing, hair dying, feminist power house who thinks everyone is beautiful.

A long, lost twin sister from an alternate universe.

I found Jes thanks to a good Samaritan I follow on Pinterest who happened to pin her amazing blog post, Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls . . . So I Will. And I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her (cause y'all need to go and read the whole article), but I made it to the end of the post, nodding my head the whole way when I landed on the last paragraph:

You are fucking beautiful. I'm saying this with a straight face and seriously meaningful look where I maintain eye contact for an uncomfortable amount of time. I know you don't feel like you fit into the category of gorgeous that our world creates. I know that its hard. I know that its a daily battle. But fuck their fascist beauty standards. The second you stop looking for a skinny model in your mirror and start looking at YOU... is the second you will start to appreciate what you are. Stop looking for flaws. Stop looking for differences. You are perfect. You are more than enough. You are the best thing that has ever happened to you. And you are fucking beautiful.

Anyone else here those words playing to music? Cause I sure as hell did.

Like with most bloggers I develop sudden love for, I devoured her archive in a full day. Not only does Jes blog about body acceptance and self love, but she actively proves that fat girls can do anything! She feeds off the haters. And much like my own issues with having to wear so many different shoes, Jes herself has been put into many boxes. But just as I decided to go barefoot, Jes has redefined her boxes and made them her own.

Reading The Militant Baker was like looking at pieces of my life being lived by someone who was not afraid of confrontation. It's inspiring. It's motivating. 

And I hope one day soon to be my own, pink version, of her.

Bloggers Who Changed Everything: Brittany, Herself

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Swim suits.

Ah, the well known bane of a fat girl's existence.

But why? Because it shows off what we work so hard to cover up. A swim suit pulls tight against the skin making everything else visible. Every roll, every curve. It reveals stretch marks and cellulite and arm flab and back fat. Swim suits seem to be where most girls (even slim girls) lose their self esteem and focus ONLY on the negative.

I have two pictures of myself posing in a swim suit. Two. One when I was fifteen, thin but curvy and confident. But it was still taken by my sister in our backyard, and I used my dog to cover my stomach. The other photo was taken when I was twenty-four and fat. It showed off almost every flaw, and I didn't want the photo taken, but someone had a camera and insisted. I used the photo to try and see the good in myself, but I lacked the confidence to truly gaze past all of my obvious flaws.

I had convinced myself that swim suits would always be a problem for me.

And then a blogger I love did something bold.

Brittany, Herself wore a bikini on the internet.

As long as I've been reading blogs, Brittany has been a force in pushing the acceptance of women of all sizes. She launched the Curvy Girl Guide and frequently addresses subjects of social size issues, health, and fashion! All while modeling the clothes on her plus sized self.

Now I have to admit, despite my love for her sense of humor and writing style, I originally had a hard time connecting with Brittany on the subject of size. Brittany is considered plus size. But in my eyes, she's still tiny. Smaller than me. Which means not-so-plus-size-in-my-eyes. And I couldn't connect to her issues. How could she face similar problems that I did? She was gorgeous!

And then she posted the bikini, and her exposed heart was what hit me. Brittany struggled to find a bikini that fit her. Not because she was plus size. Not because she was small. But because she wasn't the shopping average. Because no woman really is. We're all different, and those of us with bigger hips, bigger breasts or bigger everything struggle when it comes to clothes, regardless of how much smaller than me you might be. And Brittany faced these issues with a few breakdowns, some tequila and a lot of determination.

And she inspired countless women! Including me.

So while I haven't found my perfect swim suit yet, I plan to this summer. And I have Brittany to thank for it.

Bloggers Who Changed Everything: Laci Green

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While I've always known that my self esteem is nothing close to healthy, it wasn't until this year that I realized just how bad it was. There were things I liked about myself, sure, and I had good days and bad days. But there were body parts I hated. Outright hated just the way they looked. It didn't matter that they were healthy or functioning perfectly. It didn't matter that they kept me alive or not. They didn't look like models and actresses or other girls I knew, and therefore they were worthless to me.

So in an attempt to fix this poor mindset, I joined several body and size acceptance groups on Facebook. Many introduced me to new bloggers that were my size and loved themselves and they taught me so much! But one post was a video of a YouTube blogger named Laci Green, who was not near my size and yet she had the most to say about why I should love my body.

Her confidence has nothing to do with her looks (despite being gorgeous). She has a light inside of her that I desired. She loves herself - heart, body, mind and soul and you KNOW it! And I want to be that type of person.

When people look at me, I want them to know that I love myself. 
I love my body.
That I love them and their bodies.
And that imperfect is beautiful.

The first video I saw of Laci Green, was about Fat Shaming, a term I only learned recently but realized it had been used against me for YEARS.


Wait . . . so just because I'm fat doesn't give strangers the right to confront me about "my health", even if they're sooo concerned? Wow. I know it sounds like I'm being a smart-ass, and I am, but in reality I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself. When people (friends, family and strangers) confronted me about my weight, I actually thought to myself, "Well it's not like I don't deserve this." But guess what? I totally deserve better! I deserve to be cared about regardless of my weight. Weight does not define my health OR my value as a person.

Other wonderful videos by Laci that I love are:

BMI Bull$#!%, The End of Diets, and Love You!